Friday, February 03, 2006

Episode 4: Chocolate Covered ANYTHING

How is this for totally retarded – they brought back the last two girls who were kicked off the show, the last two rejects if you will, to determine who gets to get the two solo dates with Sweet Travis. What is the reasoning behind this?? (Feel free to address in your comment)

So the rejects interview Moana, and ask her when she sits down “Are you scared? You should be!” WTF?!?! I’m scared watching these bitches. Then they totally harass her and pick at her until the Chocolate Covered Macadamia Nut breaks down and starts to cry because she’s been so hurt before, that’s why she so closed off, OKAY?!?!?! “That’s all” the bitches then declared after they made her cry and sent her off to sit in a box (of chocolates, ha ha ha).

It was a very uncomfortable moment in Bachelor history.

Sweet Travis went on a date with Jehan (who is a Vitamin Sales Rep – possibly the least impressive job in the history of all professions) and she told him – GASP – she’s been married before. So sweet Travis freaks out and doesn’t give her a rose, but asks her to stay anyway so that he can “get to know the others better” while she waits. WTF? That sounds mean! It’s like Trista’s sixth rose for Bachelor Bob – “If I had one more rose, it would have gone to you” – in other words, you would have been my sixth choice, isn’t that great? Not really.

So Jehan hangs around. All divorced and everything, like she’s a rotting head of lettuce waiting for inspection. Poor girl. Sweet Travis eventually sends her packing at the horticulture distribution.

Then they go on the group date where I could barely recognize Sweet Travis for his bandana wearing ghetto ways…right. The whole time Moana hogs Sweet Travis’s time, again. The bitches complain and cat fight about this time hogging, again. Yawn. Then, little Ms. Canadian says in her confessional – Moana is hogging all the time with Travis, it’s not nice, I don’t get it, blah blah blah. Maybe you should look at the earlier episodes of the Bachelor little Ms. Canadian, where you were holding hands with Sweet Travis in front of everyone (with your eyelids half way closed), like he was your boyfriend (and you were drunk). Now do you get it?

One of the funniest parts of the group date was when the Chocolate Covered Macadamia Nut and Sweet Travis (chocolate and sweet – meant to be????) were off on their mini one-on-one when she won a challenge. The bitches were (surprise) talking shit about her, and asking how could she be fooling him, and then the scene cuts to them holding hands on the massage table and violins playing. It was AWESOME.

The second private date was with Sarah #2, who is so ordinary and plane Jane. The whole date was one giant yawn. Except for the parts where Sweet Travis tries to fumble his way through communicating with the French by making faces.

The red head who slurs her speech and Holy War (Jehan) are out! Cause you know in the dating world, one day you in, and the next, you OUT! Oh wait, that’s a different show.

So in this episode, Sweet Travis says NO to drunks (but still keeps the Canadian around) and YES to Brunettes. He just might be the best Bachelor ever.

Current tally – Brunettes: 3; Blondes: 1

I can see myself having a future with Sweet Travis: II

1 comment:

Honey Gangsta said...

Ok, I have to say that I am so not into Sweet Trav. He is the typical RETARD. I'm picturing one of these guys who barely made it into and through medical school and now rides on the doctor title for everything. I have seen this particular episode in its entirety (thanks to the miracle of my newfound technology) and I agree with most of your commentary. I do, however, find the chocolate covered macadamia nut to be completely insane and over-the-top dramatic. "I have been SOO hurt in my past! Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo!" What? Did someone step on a Barbie doll when you were young? (This remark courtesy of the great Adam Corolla.) I mean give me a break. Anyone over the age of 20 has been hurt. So what? It doesn't make you special. It doesn't make you more deserving. It just makes you human. Oh well!

All I can ever think when they say Jehan is "Islamic Holy War." And then you put that in your commentary! Ha ha ha! And yes, I agree, she acted like she was about to tell him something truly terrifying - like she used to be a man, and it's that she's been married. She's 29! Welcome to MY world, Sweet Trav. EVERYONE has been married. In fact, why haven't you? You're a doctor, you're conventionally good-looking, what is the problem? Someone once told me that my theory of never-been-married, Thirty-something mormon men is also true of doctors. Doctors shouldn't have trouble finding someone to marry. And Sweet Trav doesn't strike me as the overly thoughtful, cautious type. No sir.

Yeah, I have no idea what they were doing bringing in the kicked-outs to choose the next dates. And they were idiots.

I also agree about Plain Jane, the kindergarten teacher. And then Sweet Trav goes, "I am sooooo impressed that you are a kindergarten teacher." No way. Really, Dr. Travis? You're impressed with that? The surface of the earth is CRAWLING with elementary school teachers. It's so boring. It's like if she were a nurse. Oh, how original. How outside-the-box that in the 21st century a liberated woman wants to be - gasp - a teacher! Or - double gasp - a nurse! Don't get me wrong, I know that those are truly what some women love, but for the most part, they're "easy-way-out" careers in my opinion.

You know, I am getting less and less impressed with this whole series. It's like they made one season, and then digitally changed everyone's faces to keep showing it over and over again as new seasons. Blah! Blah, blah, blah!!! At least they're picking bachelors who are completely original and different from the other ones. And each one with his own startling personality. Oops, I meant to say exactly the opposite of that.