Dog Bites Man

You have to check out this new show called “Dog Bites Man.” It’s in the same vain as The Office, but the characters are from a news program. So you have the reporter – Kevin, the producer - Tilly, the assistant, and the camera guy. I’ve only seen one episode so far, but from the first 10 minutes, I knew this is my new favorite show…Oh, and Tilly is that lady from that great, fantastic show that we watched on a VHS tape once about the couples, but I can’t ever remember the name of the show. See picture.

The episode starts with them going to sensitivity training and they talk inappropriately about other races and homosexuals. They even debate the meaning of butt-pirate and recall that they nick named a gay guy in a wheel chair Rolaids. So they decide to do an undercover story on gays and they bring in a gay guy to find out things like – what they eat, etc. The first interviewee turns out to be a lady. The second interviewee is a masculine guy who they keep directing to say “girlfriend” at the end of sentences and to use the word “fierce.” Then Tilly directs Kevin to ask in his line of questioning how many times a woman can experiment with other women in college before being considered a lesbian. So Kevin asks: “Speaking for women, do you think if a woman has experimented with lesbianatics (ha ha ha) in college more than 3 times, would it make her a lesbian?” And the gay guy says, I don’t know. And Tilly whispers – “I heard it’s five times.”

Then they ask the gay guy what is the biggest misconception about gays, and he says that people think they dress in leather pants all the time. So the next scene is of Kevin jumping in a minivan with his co-workers, dressed undercover as gay in a multi-colored bright blouse and leather pants – and Tilly says – “wow, leather pants, that is exactly how homosexuals dress, you nailed it!”

Their first assignment is for the straight guy to go into a sandwich shop and order a sandwich and then the undercover gay guy to do the same after. So the undercover gay guy goes in and says – “Hello, I’m a homosexual and I’d like to order a sandwich. I’d like a 10” turkey with mayo and mustard. I just need my 10 inches; you know what I’m sayin’?” Then they compare the actual sandwiches outside (not the service) and the gay guy (Kevin) got less slices of cheese, so they go back into the sandwich shop to “bust” the employees. But then it turned out that the straight guy asked for extra cheese.

They’re next assignment is to check into a hotel room as a gay couple and they bust the hotel employee for telling them that the hotel has a queen sized bed. The hotel employee claimed she didn’t know that that would be offensive to gays, and the assistant says: “Everything’s offensive to gays, you’ll find.” And he kept saying “busted” to the counter lady at the hotel.

This was Kevin’s news expose piece speech:
‘Over the past day and a half, I posed as a realistic homosexual, wallowing in their secret world and learning their sordid ways. During this time, I discovered one thing – homophobia is gone forever, never to show its face again. Does this make me a modern day Martin Luther Queen? Let history be the judge. My simple reward is peace of mind; knowing that the fight for gay rights is over. This is Kevin Beacon, a card carrying heterosexual, for KHBX News.’