Fed Ex Takes a Day Off (And a Restaurant Recommendation)

Okay, so Lauren and I are BFF’s now, according to My Space, so I feel kind of bad crapping on her show, but there is just no other option. It has to happen. There are a couple of major issues I have to mention to begin with. Lauren’s story line for the entire episode was that she had to take a dress to New York to Lisa Love. What? Why? Was Fed Ex not running that day? Why on earth would the company pay hundreds of dollars to cart Lauren cross-country to hand her boss a dress and then get right back on another plane to come home? This is so absurd. How much could it possibly cost to Fed Ex the dress? What, could it not be folded? I’m sure Fed Ex has handled that in the past. I know this is all a setup and I know they did it for the show, but it is so freaking contrived that I really just can’t even pay attention to it. And we have to keep coming back to revisit Lauren during her trip to Never-Never Land to deliver the dress! Every time it shows her somewhere in the process of that errand I get annoyed all over again. Court TV wouldn’t even fly me to New York for their company Christmas party (and mind you, I was the only employee not in attendance, even the TEMP from the office went and I didn’t). But Teen Vogue is flying Lauren to New York to do Fed Ex’s job. Too bad this episode didn’t air around Christmas of 2004 so I could have sent it to my boss’s boss at Court TV and show them what some companies fly people to New York for. And those people aren’t even employees, they’re INTERNS. And they’re not even real interns, they’re FAKE interns.

All right, issue number two. This is the fact that Heidi is certain that her job will be just like Samantha on Sex and the City and she will be handling guest lists and night clubs and having lunch with important clients to talk about how great she is. I believe her words were something about meeting the celebrities and being in the clubs. We had to hear at least 12 more times about how she’s landed her dream job and it’s so amazing and she is so set. Okay – we get it. Heidi is delusional. We didn’t need this point driven home 47 times before the first commercial. Luckily there was disappointment in store for Heidi (and my good friend Lauren, too).

I shall now proceed with a recap so that I can drop pot-shots along the way. We can startwith Audrina, whom I have pretty much ignored so far, but will stop to crap on now. Firstly, she is not at all attractive. Isn’t that one of the requirements for participating in a show like this? Apparently she slipped past the censors. Secondly, she has dropped out of college and still somehow qualifies for a receptionist position at a studio. Please refer to the post entitled Heidi's Turn to "Pound the Pavement" if you need a refresher on what is actually required to get a job at a studio in Los Angeles. It’s ho’s like Audrina (okay and Heidi and my BFF Lauren) who are making it so impossible for qualified people to get hired anywhere. They prance in with their rich parents and their camera crews and snatch up the jobs that people who have actually graduated from college, not to mention actually held jobs before, are trying to get so that they can afford the rent on the tiny studios that their parents aren’t paying for. Nuts to Audrina!

Audrina’s ugly-ass suitor (Heidi’s boyfriend’s roommate) comes in to visit and wonders if all the models running around the studio are jealous because the receptionist is prettier than they are. Do I really need to comment here? Even Audrina looked confused.

Back to Heidi to listen once again about her dream job and how she doesn’t need school. She also pontificates on guys and their actual motives when they tell girls they are looking for someone special. Surprise! They really just want to get laid. I bet I know where they can find a sure thing!

Back to Lauren arriving on her red eye and giving me a marvelous glimpse of what I get to do in just a couple of short weeks! This is really the only reason I was paying attention at this point. I had to think about which outfit I would bring to change into in the bathroom when I arrive at JFK after my overnight flight. BFF’s must stick to similar schedules and abide by similar habits. Tomorrow I’ll be purchasing my hot pink suitcase.

Back to Heidi who arrives at her dream job to discover that she is expected to work full time. Gasp! What? She explains to Mr. Bolthouse that she didn’t know it would be full time and he didn’t fire her or even offer to let her leave quietly. He put her to work stuffing envelopes. Her face was hilarious. She totally looked like she was choking back the tears.

Back to Lauren who is sporting Marc by Marc Jacobs for the Marc Jacobs fashion show on the advice of her second best friend, Heidi. She saunters into the Marc Jacobs show (wearing Marc by Marc Jacobs), finds her boss, and proceeds to be ignored. After being ignored for about two minutes, she is finally acknowledged, only to be given the BIG BRUSH OFF. “Oh hi, Lauren, thanks.” Grabs dress. “You’re going back to L.A. tonight.” The end. Lauren looks extremely deflated (bless her heart) and retreats back to the waiting town car wearing her Marc by Marc Jacobs outfit, perfect for the Marc Jacobs show. (Ring up another $250 for Teen Vogue and Lauren’s car service.)

Back to Heidi who is calling Lauren from the toilet at Bolthouse productions to complain that her dream job turned out to be her nightmare job. I’d like to take a moment here to guess what it is Heidi thought was going to happen. I think she thought that Brent Bolthouse would take her under his wing and teach her everything he knows in the ways of meeting celebrities and holding fabulous events. She pictured herself lunching by Brent’s side and luring the likes of Paris Hilton and Tara Reid to the glorious party they would be hosting that night. Then later, she would again be right next to Brent at the door of a beautiful nightclub with a glittering clipboard in hand and unhooking the velvet ropes to allow Paris and Tara into the party while they kiss her on both cheeks on their way through the door. I really think that’s what she imagined! And she was genuinely shocked when that failed to materialize on her first day. She actually had the nerve to step into Brent’s office and lodge a complaint! “I didn’t know I’d be stuffing envelopes.” And she said it the same way you would say, “I didn’t know I was eating dog food.” And he still didn’t fire her! Or invite her to leave quietly! He actually explained that she had to crawl before she walks and that she was there to work.

We change pace for a second to join these two idiots, Audrina and Gay Boy on their little datie-poo. Neither one of them is the least bit attractive, and they both want to be actors! My head is spinning. I can not bring myself to give one single crap about what went on during this date, so instead I shall tell you about the restaurant they patronized. It is called Gyu Kaku and I actually had my birthday dinner there last year. It is great fun because each table has itsvery own grill in the center and you grill your own meat, making it an activity on top of a meal! It is supposedly a Japanese barbecue restaurant, but in reality it is a Korean barbecue restaurant with a couple of Japanese twists on the marinades, and much less smoky grills than Korean barbecues. I always start off with the assorted Kimchee, which includes several vegetables pickled with garlic and chile peppers. I proceed to the garlic Kalbi, miso Harami and basil chicken for the grill. The Kalbi and Harami are cuts of beef and must be barbecued in the center of the grill for just a minute or two on each side. The chicken does well on the outer edges of the grill and takes a bit longer to cook through. All very delicious. Finally, I enjoy the delectable Bibimba, which is rice and vegetables in a sizzling stone pot and mixed with chile paste. This is the menu I always recommend to Gyu Kaku first-timers. They even offer s’mores for dessert and take the grill plate away for you to roast your marshmallows over the coals. Lovely!

We now cut back to Heidi (ugh, we’re still on this?) who is writing down orders from Mr. Bolthouse and seriously almost starts to cry when he tells her to bring him a sandwich. She then proceeds to her computer where she pulls up her Outlook calendar and enters in a daily task that includes the following: 9:00– Start Work. 6:00 – Finish Work. Just in case she forgets to do that one day. Way to stay organized, Heidi! You’ll be Samantha in no time at this rate!

We end (mercifully) with my BFF Lauren receiving a message on her machine from the Mute! Hooray! There will be another favorite to add to the delirium that is The Hills. Can’t wait to see the ennui that he will add to the mix of overwhelming charisma!