Heidi's Turn to "Pound the Pavement"

We start in on another unpredictable, totally surprising episode of our favorite dynamic LA girls, The Hills. Lauren is hanging out on her bed, talking to her super-good-friend Heidi, who has just finished crashing Lauren’s first big “non-staged, totally realistic” red carpet party at Teen Vogue. Lauren decides to lay down the law, practically under her breath. “You can’t crash any more of my work things.” Heidi laughs it off. “We’ll make that a rule. Hee hee hee.” Then just to make sure Lauren knows it’s really not that big of a deal, she says, “You didn’t get fired, right?” Yes ladies and gentlemen, this is the drama of a new age.

I have a few bullet points about things that I noticed that are either totally silly, totally fake, totally alarming, or all of the above. Here we go:

• We have a new Conversation Driver. Remember how Kristin’s friend, Alex, was always prodding Kristin to talk about certain things or certain people? Her replacement is Whitney, who oh-so-slyly says to Lauren, “What about the party? We didn’t even get to talk about it.” I was busy looking for the stylist to come in and fix their outfits, but alas, they were left alone to discuss the drama of the party.
• While the highly qualified Teen Vogue interns are busy doing NOTHING – wait, that’s not fair. Lauren was erasing something in a notebook and Whitney was browsing through the clothes racks – someone’s bitch came in and told Lauren that Lisa Love (is that her name?) wants to see her. Here we go! Lauren is obviously going to be chewed out and fired for totally blowing her first assignment. We can’t have interns here that make us look foolish and bring in underage children to our parties and give them alcohol on television. I’m ready for the tongue-lashing and am almost disappointed when Lisa Love closes the door to her office on the camera man. What? We don’t get to see the – no, no, false alarm. Cut immediately to the inside of Lisa’s office where cameras have been strategically placed at every possible angle. She wants to know what happened and then says she doesn’t condone substance abuse. WHAT? Underage drinking, no problem. Irresponsible interns, no problem. It’s substance abuse she’s worried about. She then sniffs and wipes her nose on her hand. Just kidding. The “chastising” ends with Lauren being told to behave while Lisa is gone next week. Way to put your foot down, Lisa! Thank goodness MTV is liable for all of this so Teen Vogue can pass the buck. Which brings me to…
• Five teenagers being escorted to the front of the line at LAX, which is a trendy nightclub overflowing with drunk Hollywood. (This is where an uncharacteristically drunk Tara F***ing Reid stumbled out the door as I was walking in one night.) The velvet ropes are pulled aside to usher the children in to their own table, where alcohol a-plenty is waiting to be consumed. Let’s think about this for a second. Is MTV not concerned AT ALL with showing these little kids being let into these clubs to drink? So what, just because they’re letting people video tape them while they do it, suddenly they don’t have to obey the laws? Is LAX not at all worried that they can lose their liquor license for serving alcohol to minors? I guess there is no limit to what money can buy. It’s pretty disgusting, really. Alcohol is the LAST thing these brainiacs need to be messing around with. The next morning we get a lovely shot of Heidi waking up in bed with her naked boyfriend. 19, ladies and gentlemen, 19! This is ever so responsible on everyone’s part. I hope their parents are proud of what they are funding. They are definitely making the world a better place.
• It’s now Lauren and Heidi’s first day of school and Heidi is just SO fed up with school that she decides to skip class. Later when she and Lauren are talking, she very practically explains that she couldn’t find her class, and that’s why she didn’t go. Yes, I’m sure that the fashion school is so huge and overwhelming that poor little hung over, oversexed Heidi’s brain just couldn’t process all of the numbers on the doors. Those darn numbers can get VERY confusing. “Attention Fashion Students: We have a MISSING art class. Repeat. One of our art classes is MISSING. Please feel free to skip class and play solitaire.” That is exactly what Heidi does.
• On the second morning of school, Heidi is very busy trying to decide what on earth she should wear. Lauren scoffs and says, “I wear sweats to class.” I’m sorry, what? I thought Lauren just claimed to wear sweats to class. Um, those were some interesting designer sweats you were wearing. In fact, I was under the silly impression that you were sporting couture and high heels, but – duh – my bad, you were just wearing sweats. Heidi says she’s not going to class because she has an interview for her DREAM JOB with Brent Bolthouse! If he hires her she will not be going to class today, tomorrow, or ever! After all, the whole reason she would go to school in the first place is to get a job like this, so why bother if she can get this job first? Plus, how many more countless hours can we expect Heidi to roam the expansive fashion school campus looking for her classes? She’s only one woman. Enough of the cryptic, winding, labyrinth of classrooms at fashion school where classes disappear, Heidi is going to be a PR executive! Or a second assistant.
• Lauren returns to her Conversation Driver, Whitney, at Teen Vogue, to talk crap about Heidi and her silly dreams while Heidi prances off to her big interview wearing jeans. (Or do my eyes deceive me? They could be sweats.) I must note that Lauren is looking quite disheveled in this scene. Perhaps one of her classes went missing today too? One never knows what one might have to track down in the jungles of fashion school.
• Heidi brings a resume to her job interview. I am SO curious as to what on earth could possibly be on that resume. School? No. Work experience? No. Sexual abilities? Most likely. There’s just no other explanation. None. Here is this RETARD in jeans (sweats) with no school, no experience, no brain and no personality, and she’s HIRED ON THE SPOT! Please! This is Los Angeles where you have to have already won an academy award to work in the mailroom at a studio. Video pirating operations want to see a college degree and 3+ years of experience before they hire you to clean their toilets for free. And they NEVER hire you on the spot. You go in for a preliminary interview with HR, then a first interview with your prospective supervisor, then a follow up interview with the supervisor and her dog, then you go around and interview with everyone in the office (all on separate dates), then you wait for 3 months until they remember they wanted to hire someone to begin with. No one walks out of a first interview with a job. Unless of course, MTV has set it all up for you while you were getting drunk at a club they paid off to let you in. Her interview, by the way, was SO butchered. You could totally tell that it was edited together so out of order. It barely made sense at all. I’m surprised it was still in English after how much they messed with it.
• Our final editing patch-up of the day was the conversation between Heidi and Lauren when Heidi called to gloat about her new job while exiting the building from her interview. Heidi is jumping around in the street screaming that this is a REAL job (we all know that means not like Lauren’s fakey internship). She gets a salary AND a lunch break. Nuts to you, Lauren! I’m only 19 years old and I’m getting PAID to party – which is my dream job! And I didn’t even have to go to school for it. As if getting paid matters to these trust fund babies. Lauren is edited to hang up on Heidi mid-gloat. We end with Heidi saying into her phone, “Lauren? Lauren?” Then strutting off in the wrong direction before realizing what she did and making an elegant circle to get her back in the right direction so that we can watch her butt bounce away in her tight little jeans (sweats).

Previews for next week make it look like Heidi’s bubble is getting burst when Mr. Bolthouse sends her to fetch him a sandwich and then tells her, “If you’re going to work here, you have to WORK.” I’m not getting my hopes up. I saw Lisa Love “bust” Lauren earlier.