Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Young Innocent Love Rekindled in The Hills

This week we open on a shot of 3 twenty-something guys, all wearing headsets and credentials hanging from their necks standing around a telephone in a tiny production office. One reads off a 310 phone number from a clipboard he’s carrying while another one dials the number. There is a mistake. The phone dialer hangs up and asks the clipboard guy to repeat the number. He does. At last there is ringing. The third guy makes a victory fist as the dialer shoves the phone into the hands of… Jason the Mute. Jason appears slightly hung over, yet still maintains his usual blankness. He stares, confused, at the 3 guys.

“Go dude, you’re on!” prompts the dialer.
“What do I say?” says Jason, monotone, of course.
“Dude, tell her you want to see her. We’re not paying you for the fun of it!” Clipboard guy is becoming irritated. Who wouldn’t?
Jason looks very confused and slightly alarmed. He springs into action. “Hey Lauren, it’s Jason. Just seeing what you’re up to…”

♫ Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
♫ Let the sun illuminate the words that you can not find…

Wasn’t it nice of the producers to also send Lauren a gigantic bush for her parents’ apartment? As Lauren hands the note to a curious Heidi, I’m wondering what the producers came up with for Jason’s love note to his long lost beloved. Wait, Jason may have actually done this part himself:

To: Lauren
Love: Jason
I miss you.

Poetry! Lauren almost swoons, though she keeps her angry eyes for the camera. Next we visit Lauren and her conversation driver Whitney, hard at work in the Teen Vogue intern closet. The girls, obviously swamped, have a conversation about Lauren, Jason, and why they broke up. Let me correct myself. Whitney has a conversation about Lauren, Jason, and why they broke up. Lauren interrupts every few sentences to say, “Yeah,” or “You know,” but we pretty much get the lowdown from Whitney, who articulately explains to herself and the audience that Jason is from Laguna and he “did something bad,” and Lauren knew in her “right mind” that she wasn’t “just going to let it slide.” Thanks, Whitney! We’re all caught up now.

Hooray! We now get to look in on Heidi at her nightmare job to see what humiliations she will be undergoing today that don’t involve partying with celebrities at nightclubs. Some dorky worker gives her a huge stack of binders and asks her to file them in the library. Heidi looks at him, insulted, and says, “Really?” It is unclear whether she is questioning the reality of her task, or the reality that this loser had the nerve to speak to her. He says, “Yeah,” meaning “Yes to both, bitch!” and leaves the crap on her desk. Heidi is then inundated with highly degrading tasks like returning phone calls and making lists. She makes her displeasure blatantly clear to everyone in the office and on the phone.

We return to our 3 production assistants who have again cornered Jason in the tiny office.
“Dude, I don’t know her number,” Jason attempts at an escape.
“We’ve got it a**hole,” snaps Clipboard Guy. Dialer Guy once again shoves the phone at Jason.
“Make a plan this time, dumbass. Then maybe she’ll call back.” Clipboard Guy is clearly exhausted from all of his coffee fetching.
“Uh… Lauren it’s Jason. Haven’t heard back from you… wondering if… want… get together…?” Jason searches the production assistants’ faces for approval. Dialer Guy snatches the phone from him and hangs it up. “Unbelievable,” he mutters. Yes, yes it is.

However, the Location Scout has done an outstanding job at finding a lovely place to film Jason and Lauren having their flame-rekindling conversation. Apparently it is called Pane e Vino, and unfortunately I do not have a review of this eatery. We get to see it after watching Lauren put on her makeup for 15 minutes. (She needs to get her roots done, but so do I. Laura, I’ll be calling you.) There are tiny lights in all the trees and they get to dine on the heated patio. It is purely painful to watch Jason try to stumble through his explanation – not of hurting Lauren, but of calling her again. You can see him struggling to read his cue cards and finally giving up. Apparently the word “infuriated,” was too big, so he just said, “pissed.” It fit anyway. So much silent space. No apology from Jason, no acknowledgement of guilt or offering of restitution (which is WAY too big a word for him), just fragmented stammering. Lauren sweeps in and rescues him from himself by explaining that she wanted to forgive him because she likes him so much, but just felt like she shouldn’t, so she was conflicted. Saved. Jason knows that he can coast and not say anything else – ever again. He comes up with something though. He thinks that since they’ve moved to LA – 30 minutes up the road from the betrayal, they can start fresh. Lauren considers this and it seems to make perfect sense.

Back from commercial, we get a very quick shot of Bolthouse Productions planning their unbelievably fabulous weekend in Vegas and telling Heidi she’s not invited. Ha!

Now to the intern closet. Wow! Whitney gets to make some copies. That’s the first time we’ve seen work since Lauren usurped Fed Ex. Lauren really needs her roots done. Laura, stand by. Cut to our 3 PA’s shoving Jason through the entrance of Lauren’s office building with another flower arrangement. Jason walks, dazed and robot-like into Lauren’s closet. He wants to take Lauren out to lunch, but neither she nor Whitney knows whether they get lunch breaks. (uh hem, ha ha ha!) While Lauren goes to find out, Whitney makes a fuss to Jason over the flowers and wonders when it will be her turn. At this moment we seriously see Jason undergo an inner conflict as he almost switches his affections over to Whitney. He takes a big breath and is about to lay the mack down when our PA friends frantically begin making the throat-cutting signal. Flustered, Jason stands there, mute as usual. Lauren apparently got permission to eat, so she and Jason leave while Jason takes one last longing glance at Whitney.

Another meal full of meaningful conversation. We find out that Lauren’s billionaire father used to take her fishing. How interesting. Jason wants to buy a boat. Fascinating. Lauren doesn’t like salmon. Riveting. (It actually is riveting to Jason. Look at his reaction.) This is truly the world’s most boring couple. They keep having to play all these love songs to cover up the enormous silences. On their way out Jason suggests a movie later. (Please, no, no. Not another silent date for us to sit through.)

Yes! Back to Heidi’s nightmare job where she’s once again retreated to the bathroom to bitch about not already being the CEO. The event planner girl tells her she has to pay her dues. What? Me? Heidi’s clearly never had to pay anything in her life. She considers quitting. (again.)

Whitney and Lauren (okay really just Whitney) contemplate the meaning behind Jason’s flowers. Here’s a hint ladies: He didn’t do it! The producers did. Contemplate that one.

Next Lauren and Heidi sit by the pool. Lauren thinks she’s text messaging with Jason, but it’s really our PA’s typing in cryptic messages like “hi,” to Jason’s Sidekick. Heidi and Lauren giggle that Heidi’s swimsuit will give her a funny tan line. Hee hee. How funny. Remember when it really did that one time? That was like so funny! Heidi is a bit dismayed to learn that Lauren and Jason have taken up again. Lauren insists that it’s different this time. And it really is. Last time they were in Laguna. This time they’re in LA. Totally different. Everything has changed. But at least she’s going in with her eyes open this time.

Sweet! Heidi’s being degraded again at work. She has to order office supplies and she doesn’t know the difference between a label dispenser and a label maker. Landon can’t explain – she’s busy on a conference call. Heidi is in a quandary. Now we get to learn a little more about the Entertainment Industry Boss. Mr. Bolthouse sends Heidi to fetch him lunch. What a dick. Yes, Heidi deserves it, but it’s still a dick move. In my years in Entertainment I could always tell who was a cool boss and who was a crappy boss by which ones sent me to fetch lunch. It’s so unnecessary and it’s all about reasserting who has the power. Gnomecorp will recall a boss who called her in Los Angeles from Georgia to have her order him a sandwich through his hotel’s room service – while he was in the hotel! Yes, you read that correctly. Dick. This is the Entertainment Industry Boss. I have more power than you so you will do humiliating things for me. Do it! There are 50 people outside who would do your job for less money! Do it, slave! Heidi forgets Mr. Bolthouse’s drink, which was ordered from a separate restaurant than the rest of his lunch. He is clearly very annoyed, and so is Heidi because she goes outside to call her boyfriend and threaten to quit. (again.)

Please, no, we are back to the Silent Couple. They are seeing a movie at the Arclight, where you pay $15 per ticket to get assigned seating. And it’s a good thing, too, because the theater is packed! (Read: empty) I’ve been there once and I still haven’t recovered financially. They don’t even have regular popcorn. They have gourmet caramel corn and smoothies. And those are also exorbitant. (Another Jason word.) At least our PA friends get to take a load off and watch a flick while Jason and Lauren say NOTHING!!! It’s back to work, though, when Jason drops Lauren off and moves in for the kiss. Cue the cheesy song about forgiveness. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Too funny. Do you think Lauren knows how close Jason was to dropping her for Whitney? And Whitney totally would have gone for it. She’s great at having conversations with herself.


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