Nineteen Candles Make a Lovely Glow in The Hills

There is a big day coming up in the lives of our newly reunited couple. J-Wahl is having a birthday! He’s turning 19. It’s astounding to realize that these people are still teenagers after watching them carouse Hollywood like they’re 35. It’s also astounding to realize that they’re teenagers after listening to dialogue that could only make sense coming from the mouths of 10-year-olds. Such a paradox. Only one of the many intriguing enigmas that contributes to the glory of The Hills.

We join our favorite idiot twins, Lauren and Heidi, “getting their shop on” in a golf store. (The preceding quoted phrase is used courtesy of Kathy Griffin. I like it.) They have no clue what they’re doing, as usual, so the scene only serves to announce Jason’s birthday and lead into the opening credits… Feel the rain on your skin! Do golf stores sell umbrellas? Let’s ask Lauren and Heidi.

We return to our friendly Conversation Driver, Whitney, who, in an apparent lack of recapping material to fill us in on, discusses how addicting jeans are. So far this episode is pretty lacking. But wait! Lauren soon learns that her bosses at Teen Vogue want her to – of all things! – work on Wednesday! How dare they? Don’t they realize it’s her boyfriend’s birthday? Don’t they realize it’s just not fair because he doesn’t have to work that day (or any day) and so Lauren doesn’t want to either? She’ll probably have already worked part of Monday and maybe even an hour or two on Tuesday, so why, why, why does she have to show up on Wednesday? Why? No fair!

Now Audrina and Heidi fill the hot tub with their pearls of intellectual wisdom discussing Audrina’s upcoming date (not another one, please), and how it relates to her former date with Brian. If you’ll all recall, the date with Brian was so incredibly stupid that we got a restaurant review instead of a recap. Audrina has obviously decided she’s had enough of stupid boring guys because this next date is with Model Dan. We’re all crossing our fingers that this will be the cerebral shot-in-the-arm that Audrina so desperately would like to find in a man.

Jason busts into Lauren’s apartment and flops down to complain that “You have to work? On my birthday???” Isn’t that pretty much a given, unless you’re born on Christmas? Jason and Lauren both remain stumped over the terrible irony of it all.

Oh ho! We are getting to something really funny now. Audrina has a date with who is clearly not simply Model Dan, but is in fact Hollywood Douchebag Dan.


Hollywood Douchebag Dan does not need to open his mouth to live up to his name – it is very obvious just looking at his hair, but he does open his mouth and share with us just how complex a person he is. “Yeah, I moved out to LA to do modeling and acting, you know, give it a shot. Get my douche on.” Wow. That is so unique. How interesting, Hollywood Douchebag Dan. Please tell us more about your fascinating life choices. I would love to hear about how you saw someone famous at the grocery store and you are learning to surf. Hollywood Douchebag Dan is, in fact, so very important that he simply must make a cell phone call during dinner to check his messages! After all, his big break could be waiting on his machine and he may need to make a mad dash to the wardrobe trailer. Audrina asks if he has a lot of messages. Hollywood Douchebag Dan waves her off. “My agent,” he says knowingly. Uh huh. I think we can all safely assume that would be Hollywood Douchebag Dan’s collection agent, not talent agent. If he doesn’t make good on his promise to pay for those headshots, his credit score is going to be really messed up. Then how can he charge his makeup? Hollywood Douchebag Dan shocks us with the news that he’s never had a long-term relationship. What? No! Then Audrina pops open her own cell phone to report to Heidi – in code – that her date is a little bit greasy. (She covered it all up by pretending to say the food was a little bit greasy. How clever.) Wow! Audrina actually noticed that Hollywood Douchebag Dan is a Hollywood Douchebag! Have I not given her enough credit? I almost thought she would swoon over his ordering a salad for himself. Well done, Audrina. Way to think.

We now join the rest of the gang having some dinner somewhere else. Heidi tells everyone to keep Audrina’s date on the down-low once Brian arrives, because you know, Brian hadn’t gotten to take it to the next level yet with Audrina and we wouldn’t want to hurt his feelings. True, very true. Audrina is the last to arrive and Heidi immediately begins to fire questions at her about the date. Everyone else joins in as well. So much for sparing poor ugly Brian’s feelings. That idea didn’t even last long enough for Audrina to sit down. Thank you Heidi! Do you remember how I just said that maybe I didn’t give Audrina enough credit? Well I take it back. I gave her way too much because the next thing she says about Hollywood Douchebag Dan is, “He feels like a genuine guy.” Come on, Audrina. Did you already forget how greasy that food was? Luckily Brian swoops in with the universal insecure heterosexual male response to a girl of interest going out with any other guy in the world: “He’s GAY!” Ok, Brian, we get that you are threatened. Heidi did not do a good job sparing your feelings. But jumping right to the gay conclusion? Actually, in this case, Brian is probably accidentally correct. Brian ends the awkwardness by toasting to Jason’s birthday. We fade to commercial hearing a voiceover of Lauren once again complaining that she has to work on Wednesday.

We come back to a shot of some unknown girl walking down the street. Who on earth could that be and why are we following her around? I don’t get it. Wait! The producers throw us a clue by including a subscript of her name: Lauren. Thanks, producers! I wasn’t able to recognize the star of the series by sight yet. I really appreciate the identification tools. Lauren is arriving – on Wednesday! – to work. We get to see her doing some gopher work at this photo shoot, but our Conversation Driver is noticeably absent (she had a class at noon) and we are left to try to piece together a lot of information on our own.

Switch to Jason arriving with Jordan and Brian at a golf course to enjoy a Wednesday not working. Jason goes to get his clubs out of the back and… SURPRISE! There is an entire new gift set of clubs just waiting for him to find! Jason immediately asks if the clubs are from Jordan. He’s GAY! Brian? Any sexual orientation insights on this situation? Um no, dumbass. They are from your girlfriend, Lauren. Remember? You guys got back together recently? The producers sent her flowers and all that? The producers grab Jason’s cell phone, dial Lauren’s number, and hand it back to him so he can thank her (instead of Jordan) for the clubs.

Without Whitney at hand to drive any conversation, Lauren actually does a pretty good job telling everyone at the photo shoot that she is missing her boyfriend’s birthday. It’s still afternoon right now, but I agree with Lauren. Everyone should be as angry as she is that she had to work on this Wednesday of all Wednesdays. It’s really quite infuriating when you think about it. The biatch in charge tells Lauren she needs to pack up a bunch of crap and then wait for DHL to come and pick it up. Huh? Why aren’t they putting Lauren on an airplane with the boxes of crap to take them safely wherever they need to go? Won’t Lauren worry that her duties are being outsourced? Really, Teen Vogue, let’s have some consistency please. When the biatch asks Lauren if she would like to come to the final phase of the photo shoot, Lauren chooses the tacky route and once again explains that it’s her boyfriend’s birthday and she has to go. I guess explaining about a prior commitment wasn’t graceless enough for Lauren’s quick exit.

In Jason’s car, Jason encourages Lauren to go home after dinner. In fact, she can even take his car! Lauren makes a face that reminds us of Heidi taking down Brent Bolthouse’s lunch order. After she worked on a Wednesday and narrowly escaped to come to Blowfish Sushi all in the name of love, Jason wants her to go home early and without him? You see, Jason has clearly moved into Phase 2 of his relationship cycle. Phase 1 involves him (or producers as the case may be) sending flowers and pretending to be sorry about past wrongs in order to reel in the latest catch. Phase 2 is when the girl has gotten comfortable with the idea of dating Jason and he graduates into acting like a total jerk all the time, then pretending to be confused when the girl is angry. It’s all part of the act of looking like a giant playa. We’ve seen this historically with Jessica, Alex, and even Lauren once already. Phase 3 is rapidly approaching as well. Then it will be back to Phase 1. It is a cycle, after all.

We are shocked to learn at dinner that Audrina used to be a Hooters girl. Will wonders never cease? Brian tells her “It’s okay.” You sure there Brian? It’s okay that Audrina used to make tips off of her breasts? Or were you actually trying to say “He’s gay,” again?

Jason is a champagne-bubble-about-the-restaurant all through dinner, continually leaving Lauren to enter Phase 1 with other girls who have attended his birthday dinner. Lauren seethes, and tells everyone who will listen that she will not fight with dear Jason on his birthday. Very gracious, Lauren. Leave it for tomorrow when everything will be different. Jason quickly switches back to Phase 2 for Lauren and puts on the confused-why-are-you-mad-at-me persona before leaving her standing alone in the street waiting for the valet to bring her Jason’s car to go home alone in. Feel familiar Lauren? We have been at Phase 2 with you once before…