My Favorite Shows: A Really, Really, Really Stupid 6 Months in The Hills

Welcome to another very special episode of The Hills. Someone else has a big day coming up this week, and that someone else is Heidi. Heidi and Jordan have their six-month anniversary fast approaching and the trio of brain children (Heidi, Lauren and Audrina) are having lunch and discussing the situation. Lauren pontificates that in high school six months was such a huge deal because if you were a good girl, that’s when you gave it up. I’m sorry Lauren, but how do you know what the good girls did? Or is that just your best educated guess? Notice she didn’t say that’s when she gave it up.

Back at the glamorous offices of Bolthouse Productions, Mr. Bolthouse is barking at Heidi to get into his office. What will it be this time, Mr. Bolthouse? More tuna? A special trip to an oxygen bar for your mid-morning refresher? Turns out that Mr. Bolthouse has seen fit to offer Heidi a promotion. After all, she has been working hard at the BP for almost two solid weeks now and has been nearly complaint free for the last 10 minutes. That pretty much spells entertainment-industry-promotion to me! Has she even managed to bring back the correct lunch order yet? Well, no matter. Apparently Heidi has learned to crawl and it is now time for her to walk. She has paid her dues and she will now reap the rewards. Congratulations, Heidi, on a job well done! But wait, just when we thought that Heidi was to graduate into her dream job – again – we encounter an eerily familiar conflict of dates. You see, Heidi is to begin “working the club scene” on none other than… Wednesday night!!!! The BIG anniversary! What is it with these unreasonable Los Angeles employers who keep wanting everybody to work on Wednesdays? Don’t they know that birthdays and anniversaries sometimes fall on Wednesdays and no one should be expected to work on a birthday or anniversary? It’s really quite uncalled for.

So the producers have driven Jason to a street corner and confiscated his keys so that he has no choice but to step out of his car and enter Phase 3 of his relationship cycle with Lauren. This is the phase where he stumbles around and drops fragments of explanations here and there that when carefully pieced together and analyzed still don’t make any sense. Apparently to Lauren this serves as an apology and she once again totally lets him off the hook by saying, “Oh I wasn’t really mad, I was just kind of bummed. You know, we already didn’t get to spend the day together and then you go off…” Jason seems to have gotten a haircut, which makes up for most of his misdeeds. He says he understands and he would have been bummed, too. He’s glad they “talked things over.” That’s really funny. These two have yet to have an actual conversation. Fumbling fragments is all they can manage. But he’s glad they’ve talked things over. So am I because now we get to go back to Phase 1 of the relationship cycle where Jason knows he’s in the doghouse and the producers can send Lauren a gift and she’ll totally let him get away with murder again during Phase 2.

Lauren goes into Fashion School to take a test about stripes and plaids and whether it’s okay to wear them together outside of China. We cut to Whitney who is frantically taking notes in a meeting at Teen Vogue. It seems there is an enormous fashion show coming up and who better to assign total responsibility to than our dear fake interns, who so far have proven that they can sit in a closet like nobody’s business? It is altogether too amusing to watch this unfold. You know this really means there will be a team of actual assistants who work for MTV who will be putting together and running the fashion show and we will see snippets of Whitney and Lauren doing the glamorous parts because that is what it is really like having an internship at Teen Vogue or being a 2^nd Assistant at Bolthouse Productions. Whitney calls Lauren to let her know about the impending show and that they are going to have so much work to do! It will be such a change from browsing the racks in the intern closet.

Now to Heidi and her regular state of confusion at Bolthouse Productions where she asks if she can skip work on Wednesday and begin on Saturday. Um, no! Jen, the scary dark-haired lady laughs off Heidi’s request and tells her that she should not expect to have fun at the club on Wednesday night because she will be working. Heidi asks what about when we finish working? Jen says when we finish working the club will be closed. That’s the thing about jobs, you see. She proceeds to list off all of the ways that Heidi will NOT be having fun when she works the door. You can tell that Heidi is only hearing what Charlie Brown hears when an adult talks. Wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha… and Jen’s voice fades out as the Black Eyed Peas “Don’t Phunk with My Heart” fades in to announce a commercial break – again! This little ditty has been the announcer of the last 3 commercial breaks on The Hills. Yes it works nicely, editors, but really, can we find some other song? It is MTV after all, so surely there should be one or two other musical tracks lying around somewhere. Or maybe not. I do tend to expect more than I should where this show is concerned.

We return from commercial to Lauren dinking around with Jason one morning resulting in her being five minutes late to work. This is a very important day at Teen Vogue as the subscript informs us that it is a “Fitting and Rehearsal Day” for the big DKNY show. Whitney calls to find out just what Lauren thinks she’s doing and all of this is clearly very puzzling to Jason, who, with no job of his own to tend to, is driving Lauren to hers. Teen Vogue is on the verge of sending out a search party to find Lauren when she finally shows up. A legitimate employee quizzes Lauren as to the time she was supposed to arrive and Lauren sheepishly admits that she should have been there at 2:30. Okay, I’m really lost now because right before Jason drove Lauren to work and they were dinking around in the kitchen, Lauren goes, “Good morning!” and now it’s apparently 2:35 in the afternoon. Either Lauren takes several hours to get ready for work or Lauren and Jason wake up way past noon. Anyway, the legitimate employee proceeds to scold Lauren and tells her that being on time is really, really, really important around here. Lauren’s like “sorry.” It’s very odd not having the universe revolve around you.

Next Heidi gets ready for her abbreviated anniversary celebration and complains again about having to work on this day of all days. I got to thinking right around here that won’t it always be something? It’s my anniversary, I have to work? I have my period, I have to work? There’s something in my eye, I have to work? The phone is ringing, I have to work? Seriously, I still can’t figure out what these girls thought working would look like. I guess just something fun that they could do when they felt like it – like tanning.

The best thing about the Teen Vogue DKNY fashion show is that is takes place at Smashbox Studios, which makes me excited to buy makeup. I’m seriously low on my Smashing Champagne Taupe eye shadow duo. Lauren immediately gets assigned the task of trying to track down the model who is late. Karma? This model is just absolutely nowhere to be found and there is just no other conceivable option on the face of the earth except to let Whitney fill in! (See, Whitney was on time this “morning.”) Whitney pretends to be composed when she hears the news, but Lauren is less so, and she almost craps herself with jealousy – right there in front of the MTV cameras and everyone.

We now join Heidi and Jordan at their anniversary dinner. How nice! Jordan’s parents have gone and purchased Heidi some earrings! Heidi tells Jordan, “It’s been a really, really, really special 6 months.” Special is, indeed, a nicer word for handicapped. It’s also really, really, really important that you’re on time. I’ve also noticed this time around that Jordan is really, really, really not attractive. He must be trying to be an actor, too!

With Whitney busy at Smashbox Studios becoming a model, all conversations have come to a screeching halt. Lauren has nothing to do but look on in envy (what did I tell you about the MTV assistants actually running the show?).

We return to Heidi, who has left her really, really, really handicapped dinner and is now on LAX patrol – her dream come true at last! There is some major high stress at the door as Jen is seriously about to have a “f***ing cow.” Wow, is someone trying to get in wearing jeans from Mervyn’s? Major trouble. Too bad Heidi isn’t allowed to go in and join the ugly twins, Jordan and Brian, whom she let in with her all-powerful clipboard. Wait, she goes in anyway. Work, schmork. Some 45-year-old with the clever subscript “Heidi’s Ex-Date” joins the really, really, really special table and tells Jordan he and Heidi went out once. Jordan almost craps himself with jealousy. After spatting for a moment with Heidi (which actually drives her back out to work) Jordan turns to Brian and they continue to go up in a cloud of ugly smoke turning themselves inside out discussing just how wrong it is that Heidi had any kind of a life pre-Jordan. Brian, really, don’t you have anything else to worry about? Plastic surgery maybe? Do you really care this much that Heidi once went out with an old ugly guy? Please! Heidi goes out to whine to the event planner girl about how unfair her boyfriend is. When the event planner girl asks if Jordan is super-jealous, Heidi cuts her off and says, “Well, so am I, so I totally understand.” Oh yeah? Then why are you still talking? It’s really, really, really annoying.

Back to Whitney becoming a model and there is still a serious lack of conversation. What could be the reason for this? Ah yes, the conversation driver is otherwise occupied becoming a star. I really like how they do her makeup though. Shiny face, pink cheeks, red lips.

I would much like to copy. Lauren watches and almost craps herself with envy. Whitney is now ready to make a U-shaped walk down the runway with no stops, no pauses, no poses. Those were her instructions. The most annoying song ever written comes on and is somehow quite perfect for this show and all of its goings-on. Here are the lyrics:

♪ I got a problem with you
♫ You got a problem with me
(repeat)

You may think I exaggerate, but those two lines were repeated so many times that I almost crapped myself with envy. Ha ha, no not envy, irritation, but I had to keep my writing parallel. After Whitney does her ever-so-complicated loop, Lisa Love remarks on how composed she is – all the time. It’s actually true, she is – even in the face of addicting jeans. Lisa’s bitch, Blaine, says, “She did fine. She did great.” Thank you Blaine, for just reading the cue cards. That’s all we ask. Things get out of hand when you try to improvise.