Friday, July 14, 2006

Oh Holy Night in The Hills

This episode was hilarious. It was an inch deep and a mile wide (really, really shallow). Presents, presents, presents. For me, me, me! And I really noticed the absence of Conversation Driver Whitney. She provides most of the meaningful dialogue, so there wasn’t much to go on this time.

So! Lauren has been pinching her pennies from her Teen Vogue salary so that she can buy Jason a very special Christmas present – diamond-encrusted platinum dog tags. Oh that’s right, she has no salary, and her parents will be purchasing the extravagant dog tags for Jason – just like his parents will be purchasing her gift and Heidi and Jordan’s parents will be purchasing their gifts for each other. Jordan has been so kind as to take a day out of his busy out-of-work-actor schedule to accompany Lauren to the jewelry store to help her design Jason’s dog tags. He proclaims that the black diamonds are “sick.” I’m wondering here if either of our think-tankers even know what dog tags really are. Of course to them they are ghetto fabulous accessories, and as we all know, Jason is nothing if not ghetto fabulous – uh hem. Dog tags are actually kind of a sad item and seem such an odd choice for a fashion statement. They are what soldiers wear so that when they are killed their bodies can be identified. But I digress! I’m sure none of this has ever entered Jason’s realm of consciousness and it is ghetto fabulous or bust for our bright hero!

Next our newly formed family of morons is gathered in the girls’ living room to decorate the Christmas tree. Jason reads from the Bible as Heidi, dressed as the Virgin Mary, hums “Silent Night, Holy Night.” Ha ha! Never! The discussion, of course, centers around that all-important aspect of Christmas – presents! Specifically, receiving presents. Heidi wonders aloud who will cry because someone always cries at Christmas. When pressed, she announces that at her home, it is she who always cries because she never gets the present that she wants and her sister gets all the attention. Poor Heidi. That is really, really awful. And here I thought Christmas at her house would probably be looking like a million-dollar shopping spree. I was so wrong.

Heidi and Lauren skip down the street to Doughboys for some pancakes and orange juice. I just can’t resist noting here that doughboys is an old-fashioned slang term for soldiers and soldiers wear… wait for it… dog tags! I just love how The Hills comes full circle and never fails to deliver poetic justice. Our clueless heroines discuss – what else? – what they want for Christmas. It seems that Lauren is going frugal this year and just wants a Chanel bag - that looks sort of like this:

(From all of my research, I think the bag in question goes for anywhere between $1,000 - $1,500. Apparently Chanel is too maloof to include prices on their website. You only deserve a Chanel bag if you are too rich to care how much it costs. Anyway I tried for a while to find the price and I just can’t care anymore. If you know how much it costs, please leave your knowledge in the comments – thanks!) As for Heidi’s gift, she wants a poopy. A poopy? Oh yes, she’s doing baby talk and wants a puppy. How special. Is it a good idea to entrust a living creature to Heidi’s care? I’ve already notified the American Humane Association and they are on high alert. Leaving Doughboys, the girls quiz each other on their favorite presents ever. I’m sorry, but my brain hurts trying to keep up with this conversation. Where is Whitney when we need conversations to actually lead somewhere? That’s right, she’s a supermodel now.

The two couples decide to spend a romantic evening strolling around The Grove, which is, of course, a shopping mecca. The Grove is totally decked out for Christmas to look like a small town main street in Anywhere USA. Clearly the producers have requested this dreamy interlude because we all know that the only thing on the minds of our protagonists is getting their hands on some presents! It was so nice of them to cooperate so that we could see fake snow. The cheesiest music on earth starts to play, as if these four idiots represent sweet, untarnished, heartfelt, lasting, selfless love. It begins to snow because when a shopping center would like to capitalize on its proximity to the film industry, snow in 65 degree weather is a nightly occurrence. Heidi begins to perform the African Anteater Ritual, and Lauren and Jason have a fantasy sniggle-snoggle. Guess what! At loooooooooooong last, it’s time to open presents!!!

The next scene is pretty much what can be expected. Jason LOVES his dog tags and Jordan almost craps himself with jealousy (sorry, had to throw back to last week’s phrase – it was just too fitting). I’m seriously beginning to suspect that Jason swings both ways because of the way he keeps calling Jordan “Bro” in this episode. The epithet is meaningless in itself, but Jason has this very effeminate – and dare I say affectionate? – way of saying it just for Jordan. (Remember when he thought his golf clubs were from Jordan, too?) After Jason shows his “Bro” his pretty new necklace, Jordan opens his gift from Heidi and confirms all my suspicions when he pulls out a bracelet. Hmm. The girls gave their boyfriends jewelry. Wake up, ladies! They’re in love with each other! They just need you for camera time and accessories! Heidi gets a stuffed dog from Jordan and seriously tears up. We’re just missing her sister to shift all the attention to and really bring on a tantrum. Lauren opens up – what on earth could it be? – her Chanel bag and screams. She and Jason kiss passionately because that is what you do when you are in it for the money and have just received a lavish gift. Now Jordan brings out Heidi’s real gift so that she can dry her eyes. It’s a little poopy! Heidi barely looks at the dog and just keeps screaming, “This is my puppy! This is my puppy!” Jason puts his dog tags on the dog. Ha! Wouldn’t that have been way over his head to think of doing? Heidi names the poopy Bella. It’s either a girl, or one of Jason and Jordan’s kind.

Back from commercial break, the elegant ladies are heading for the salon to prepare for New Year’s Eve. At last! At last! Lauren is finally doing something about her hair! This has been bothering me for weeks. When I see her in the foil I breathe a sigh of relief. Jason has apparently been taking relationship lessons from his new lover, Jordan, because he shoots Lauren a mean, jealous text message just while she is getting woven. This must be what you do when you are pretending to be in a relationship with a girl to cover up your torrid gay affair with her friend’s boyfriend. I bet Tom Cruise throws jealous tantrums at Katie all the time. It seems that Lauren used to like some guy named David for a few days during the time that she and Jason were on a break. David has evidently called Lauren, and she evidently had the audacity to answer the phone when he did. This is the cause of Jason’s accusations. The girls discuss it all with their stylists and I really have to say – who cares? This is so boring.

Later on the boys are primping and trying to decide just how to wear their new jewelry. They have also stumbled upon the mistaken notion that they will look cool if they wear top hats. Um, no. After they kiss the mirror several times, they proceed out to the car and Jordan swings his arm around like he’s a prince (queen?) and totally falls on his butt. It was really pretty funny and I did rewind it a couple of times, but seriously, it’s just too easy to make fun of him for this. TOO EASY.

The girls are also getting ready for the big night and Lauren confesses that she’s never had a real live New Year’s kiss. And she’s 19!? Of all of the tragedies on earth, I don’t know if I’ve ever been as sad as for this one.

Our lovely foursome arrives to party the night away at Lobby, an exciting new club in West Hollywood (how convenient, Jason and Jordan!). I wonder if this could possibly be a Bolthouse Productions event? Nah, how silly! Anyway, I have been to Lobby, and it was a ridiculous display of Hollywood snottiness and I’m not really even sure how we got in. (I think we confused the bouncers.) But we were lucky enough to see this guy and this girl (both MTV reality show stars) and they were both being followed around with cameras. I felt so honored to be in their presence, which is how everyone at Lobby must have felt on New Year’s Eve as well. WELL, it is now time for Jason to lay the fight down. And I must say that he chooses a most opportune time to do so in the packed deafening club while he is completely smashed. “I wanna tah.. goo friens,” The subtitles inform us that Jason is telling Lauren he wants to talk about just being good friends. Oooh, still upset about David ringing Lauren up, are we? “I luh oooh…” Translation: I love you, and Jason leans in for the kiss. Lauren pulls away and demands to know why he is talking like this. You know, threatening to break up and all. Jason has already forgotten what he said and is surprised and denies the whole thing. I actually believe him – he can barely talk at this point. Lauren is having none of it and she storms away. The next thing is quite remarkable. Lauren and Jason have an actual conversation! Yes, it’s an argument, but it’s the first time I’ve seen Jason do anything besides stammer and kick rocks. In fact, this is the most I’ve ever heard him speak! He tells Lauren that everyone he’s talked to about the “situation” thinks that she is in the wrong. This can only mean Jordan, and what else is he going to say? He just barely got finished throwing a diva fit over the exact same thing with Heidi. “You’re wrong. I don’t care what you say. Shut up!” Jason informs Lauren that she keeps making mistakes over and over. I guess he would have preferred white gold to platinum for his doggy tags. Lauren storms outside and gets in a cab. Heidi follows and Lauren tells her to stay, but OH NO! Heidi is COMING WITH! Jason begins drunk dialing and Lauren wishes him Happy New Year and hangs up.

Back from commercial, we now begin the chase. This next segment should have been set to the music from Mission Impossible, or at least Itchy and Scratchy. We keep seeing the time – to let us know how close it is to midnight when their limo turns back into a pumpkin. Jason runs to new lover Jordan and confesses that he has totally messed up – their charade might be in danger – and he needs to know what to do! Jordan’s thoughtful advice is for Jason to go back to Lauren with his tail between his legs and she’ll totally go for it. Drunk dialing continues and Heidi screens Lauren’s calls. You never know – it could be David again. Jason demands that Lauren be put on. Heidi hangs up. Heidi tells Lauren it’s not okay that Jason treats her like this – ever! Oh boy! I just got back up on my chair after I fell on the floor laughing. Heidi, what on earth are you talking about? You and Jordan just had this same fight outside of LAX last week (at least in TV time)! You know full well neither of you are ever going to do anything about it so long as you keep receiving Chanel bags and poopies. Give it up!

In an act of sheer desperation, Jason purchases an entire supply of roses from a passing immigrant on the street. It’s hard to do while smoking a cigarette, but leave it to clever Jason to figure out a way. He and Jordan clamber into the limo and proceed to race to Lauren’s apartment, scheming all the while. Jordan’s next advice is to throw Lauren on the bed and have sex with her. Um, Jordan – that would only work with you. Women are little more complex when they’ve had their feelings trampled on. Good try, though. Jason will remember it the next time he has a fight with you. Next is a battle of wills on the telephone between Jason and Lauren.

Jason: Come down.
Lauren: Come up.
Jason: Come down.
Lauren: Come up.
Jason: If you love me, you’ll come down.
Lauren: If you love me, you’ll come up.

Stop the madness! It’s getting altogether too complex! Thankfully Heidi pulls Lauren into the elevator and Jason wins as Lauren comes down. Jason pounces on her with his dozens of roses and smashes his face into hers for the midnight kiss. “I’m so sorry. I love you!” The cigarette is still dangling between his two fingers about to set the rosebush on fire. Heidi and Jordan kiss and the credits come up. We hear Heidi’s brainless voiceover, “Happy New Year!”

Whew! That was a close one.

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NoiXdeCoco said...

Ghetto-fab JWahl is the biggest tool that walked the face of the earth. I can NOT believe that after his birthday fiasco, the droid would go and make another very large purchase for a boy who treats her like crap. Despite her lacking in the departments of: personality, humor, character, experience, intuition, education, worldliness, interestingness...and every other department that doesn't involve looks, she is a very attractive young lady. And let's face it, that meets about 90% of guys' requirements right there. So why is she spending Bo coup bucks on jewelry for an asshole????? Why? Does she like him THAT much? He's not even cute! Not handsome, not funny, not interesting, not rich, no ambitions, no career, no future. And on top of all of this, he doesn't deserve it. Sigh...I don't understand the expensive gifts to total losers game.

Nice notice of the army connections...I bet the writers were so damn bored they had to make things interesting by weaving a theme into it.

When Heidi said she cries at Christmas, I totally thought she meant out of joy. Like, Christmas is such a special time for me and my family that I am touched so deeply that I cry, every year. No, NO!!!!!! She cries because Jesus brought her THE WRONG GIFT! Way to go Heidi - and while we're at it - Way to go MTV for painting a model for all of our young'ns to look up to. Heidi cries because her squelling voice and rambunctiousness is overlooked on Christmas. For her, the ideal way to celebrate the birth of our savior (Jesus, not Robert Smith) is to have all eyes on Heidi complementing her every move and giving her all the presents in the world, all of them!!!!!!! Damn it, is that too much to ask????

And then she says - "In L.A. no one thinks it's Christmas." As opposed to in 'Guna where it was snowing by now!?!?!?

And then after the gifts were exchanged (which was ricockulous) Heidi says - is Christmas over? Yes, now that presents have been exchanged, Christmas is over, so get out and go home. No Christmas dinner or spirits or reminiscing - this is it. Gifts and ME. Oh my gosh, what does she have to give to her bf besides her body when everything is about her?

Apparently, JWahl's memo on speaking and being a guy had the 'asking for forgiveness' section blurred out. Good thing Jordan's memo was clear so he could inform JWahl what the right answer to this dilemma was...and here it is: "I love you, I'm sorry. I understand what you're saying. We'll talk about it later, but it's ok." Then Jordan says - I promise that works - ah- HA! Proof - in a moment of weakness, man kind was exposed, even if for a second...there is a memo of proven ways to speak and be a guy.

P.S. I am going to re-create this memo one day from the bits and pieces I've learned along the way. Like - I only married her because that's what she wanted. I only want to lie next to you, I'm too tired to even try anything, etc.

And then the midnight kiss...ahh so romantic. It's what I've always dreamed of: a sloppy, cigarette tasting kiss from a drunk who just made me cry AND in an underground parking lot. Who says New Year's isn't the most romantic holiday of them all?

HG - thanks for this post, it was amazing. Laugh out loud funny.

P.P.S. I love how TV Gasm is hell-bent on proving that Lauren does NOT live in the Hills. And I totally believe them too. As I mentioned in a previous post, I think "The Hills" is somewhat inappropriate for the title of this show anyway. So as I was watching it on Tivo last night and trying to brainstorm on what fitting titles would work, there was really only one title to this show that I feel fits it perfectly: "The Reason Bin Laden Bombed Our Country." So I guess "The Hills," though it may be a lie, turns out to be a really good title after all.

NoiXdeCoco said...

Oh, one more thing. Absolutely, positively LOVE the graphic to this post. So clever you are...truly you're a master blogger HoneyGangsta!

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Honey Gangsta said...

I recently had the immense priviledge of entering a Chanel store and discovered that the prices are actually available in person. Lauren's bag goes for a cool $1,495. Wow! I guessed within 5 dollars.

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