Where's YOUR Party at? (In The Hills)

WELCOME BACK, WHITNEY! I have missed you and your conversation driving skills over the last couple of weeks when you ran off and became a model and then disappeared into thin air over the holidays.

Apparently I’m not the only one who is glad to see Whitney, either, because she has joined the trio of smarty sisters in Beverly Hills where they are all… getting their shop on! Lauren is ready to turn one year shy of the legal drinking age and she is looking for the perfect cocktail – I mean outfit. This is such an important mission that Whitney has cut class to attend. Heidi tells everyone she LOVES to cut class, which we remember from her first day of school. In fact, Heidi reminds us that she is now permanently cutting class to work at Bolthouse Productions. Yipee! She is so dangerous.

The important mission undergoes a serious switch of objectives. Now instead of looking for a party dress for Lauren’s birthday, the girls are looking for wedding dresses. This is actually not hard to believe. As a female, I too, have fallen prey to the lure of the wedding dress siren song. It is very tempting to dress up like a princess and imagine a huge party being thrown in your honor. Given the right dress, you can admire yourself in the mirror for hours. Anyway, as Lauren picks out a gown to strut around in, I am remembering the promos for this season of “The Hills.” There was a shot in the teaser montage of Lauren as a bride lifting her veil. What? Is Lauren getting married this season? To Jason? To Brent Bolthouse? To some Teen Vogue model? No, none of the above. She is trying on wedding dresses with the girly-friends. Aw shucks. Good tease, though!

♫… the rest is still unwritten.

Lauren and Whitney are back at work after the holidays and they are summoned into a meeting with Lisa Love. Now this is surprising, there is another very important event coming up and Lauren and Whitney are yet again being entrusted to carry out the entire thing on their own. Yes, once again, this means that the legitimate employees of Teen Vogue and MTV will be doing all the work and Lauren and Whitney will pose for camera snippets of themselves doing the glam bits. L-squared tells the girls that they will be running a giant casting call for bathing suit models. She then explains that in this business, that is called a “go-see.” I have to pause for a moment and brag that I already knew that because Tyra Banks explained it to me on America’s Next Top Model. I mean, who doesn’t know about a go-see? Come on. The editors make it look like Lauren and Whitney have a silly giggle at the prospect of seeing male bathing suit models, then L-squared gives them a sharp look and they snap back to attention. I’m sure that some version of that actually did happen because, you see, to L-squared, nothing is funny. Nothing is even happy. Nothing is even cheerful. And she tells the girls to “act accordingly.” As we will soon see, they don’t.

Now to Heidi who has been promoted to President and CEO of Bolthouse Productions. Oops, not quite yet, but maybe next week. Mr. Bolthouse has a very charming way of yelling out, “Hey Heidi!” whenever he wants her. Such a crappy-entertainment-boss thing to do. I have had bosses like this who just yell at you like you’re a dog and you have to drop whatever you’re doing to fetch them a stick. Heidi’s realistic news of the week is that she will be running LAX Patrol by herself on Wednesday. What’s this? No tantrum about working on Wednesday? It seems that Bolthouse Productions has a more important event elsewhere, so it is up to Heidi to make sure LAX is a screaming success. Mr. Bolthouse suggests that she call up some of her girlfriends and invite them over to try on wedding dresses. Woohoo! Heidi gets her dream job handed to her – again! And there is no one more deserving.

Back to Teen Vogue, where Lauren and Whitney are back in their closet cruising modeling agency websites for cute guys. Hee hee. Blaine comes in and announces another big surprise. Yes, another one! The go-see will be taking place at… drum roll… Quixote Studios! No way! Lauren and Whitney get to spend a day at Audrina’s work? What are the odds? These girls are so lucky! Whitney helps us out by explaining, “So that will be fun. She’ll be there when we’re there.” Um, yeah. As always, thank you Whitney! Back to the internet where the girls point out who is cute from which agency. Hee hee!. There is a puddle of drool on the keyboard and Nelly Furtado’s “Promiscuous” chimes in. How very apropos.

That night as everyone files in to LAX, Heidi thanks the gang for coming out to support her. Yes, this was such a stretch for these guys to come butt into the front of the line and drink free alcohol at the underage table. Thanks guys, for doing me this huge favor! At said table, Lauren tells Jason all about the go-see she and Whitney get to do. It will be so much fun going to Audrina’s work and seeing all of these girl swimsuit models. Jason asks whether there will be any buff guys around to see if it will be worth his time to drop by. Lauren tells him no, just girls, so Jason decides not to bother.

Later in the living room, Heidi complains to Lauren that she is getting no sleep. Lauren confesses that that she lied to Jason about the go-see by telling him it would just be girls. Hee hee. Giggle, giggle. Heidi predicts that Jason will be so mad when he finds out because he would really like a chance to meet some hot guys. Then guess who leads us into commercial? That’s right, the freaking Black Eyed Peas with “Don’t Phunk with my Heart.” Apparently the producers don’t read this blog or heed my pleading. Sigh.

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We come back to a shot of a girl jogging on a green mountain top singing “Climb Every Mountain.” The producers have really dropped the ball this time because there is no subscript to fill us in on who this girl might be. I thought it was Lauren, but they label her for us. Ha! Lauren exercising outside of an air-conditioned gym? I don’t think so! Whee! Here we are at Quixote Studios and Audrina is there when Lauren and Whitney are there – just like Whitney predicted! The busy interns head into the casting room and proceed to – get this – pretend that they are models! So funny! They run around unsupervised and start fiddling with some expensive looking piece of equipment. Just when I think they are about to cause some real damage to a camera, it turns out that it is just an easel they can’t figure out. You just set the board on it girls. It holds things up!

Audrina dutifully points models to the go-see room and the background music kicks in:

Booty, booty, booty, booty rockin’ everywhere
Booty, booty, booty, booty rockin’ everywhere

Douche Fest in The Hills
Oh dear, now this is getting good. If everyone can please take a moment and remember Hollywood Douchebag Dan, that would be lovely because we are about to meet a passel of his brothers. First is Hollywood Douchebag Brad. Whitney, excited to drive Hollywood Douchebag Brad’s conversation, asks him if he’d like to take his shirt off. “Hell yeah,” Brad would like to take his shirt off and give Whitney and Lauren and all of us in TV Land a great big treat! He gazes into Lauren’s Polaroid camera and says, “Here I am, you lucky, lucky people.” Jason is going to be so pissed that he missed this. Lauren and Whitney giggle. We turn our attention to Hollywood Douchebag #3, who is being interviewed by Blaine. “Yeah, I’ve been in LA for about six months. I came out here to do modeling, acting, AND music, so that makes me unique. I’m what you might call a triple threat. You’ll never believe who I saw at the grocery store last week.” Wow. He must be Hollywood Douchebag Dan’s roommate or something because this is just too familiar. No wait, there are hordes of douchebags here who are fresh off the boat from Anywhere Else and think they are Colin Farrell. As HD #3 exits his oh-so-individual interview, Whitney giggles and says, “He’s really cute. Hee hee.” Over to Audrina, who is inviting Hollywood Douchebag Brad to join the girls tonight at Bella – (Heidi’s poopy?). Of course, to Hollywood Douchebag Brad that means camera exposure and that means another bullet point on his resume.

• Featured Player, The Hills, MTV.

You can see the wheels struggling to turn in Hollywood Douchebag Brad’s mind as he begins to look for the exit. Audrina turns away from him and blurts out, “He’s hot!” before it’s even remotely possible that Hollywood Douchebag Brad is out of earshot. Hearing her, Hollywood Douchebag Brad takes his shirt off again for America to take one last look at what they’ll never get. He winks and saunters off into a closet, thinking it’s the exit.

Next, Hollywood Douchebag #4 chats it up with Whitney in the waiting room. He asks where the party’s at and Whitney says, “In your pants, baby.” Just kidding. She really says, “Where’s your party at?” Then he really does say, “In your pants, baby.” Ha, just kidding again. He says, “I’m gonna be all over.” Whitney almost collapses in giggles at this news. It’s understandable, too. I’ve never in my life heard anything quite so amusing as a Hollywood Douchebag announcing that he’s going to be all over – he’s just that cool. Anyway, Whitney struggles to regain her composure after bearing witness to the wittiest remark of the century. After she (and I, too) put ourselves back together after the roaring humor of Hollywood Douchebag #4, we return to the casting couch where Blaine gives the girls yet another undeserved congratulations on a job well done.

Later at Bella, the girls giggle, giggle over the events of the day. Audrina totally clicked with Hollywood Douchebag Brad, giggle, giggle. Whitney totally told him to take his shirt off, giggle, giggle. Heidi complains that her job sucks. Thinking back to her profound conversation with Hollywood Douchebag Brad, Audrina comments that pretty boys are fun to hang out with, but they are boring, and that’s why she ultimately likes mysterious bad boys – like Brian. Ha ha ha! Lauren pontificates that Jason isn’t a bad boy, he’s just rough around the edges. Yes, nothing screams rugged-outdoorsy like a pair of platinum dog tags with black diamonds. I hear they’re great for hammering in tent stakes. They also serve well when repelling down a – OMG! Hollywood Douchebag Brad is at the bar and I am not kidding! He is with a clone of himself who is clearly also a Hollywood Douchebag because he seems to be making some kind of sub-zero fashion statement.


Audrina pops over to say hello and bring the Hollywood Douchebags back to the girls’ table. Audrina then discloses that she, too, moved to LA to pursue modeling and acting. Hollywood Douchebag Brad scowls and goes limp because he thought he and his clone had that market cornered. “What? There are other people trying to be models? Next you’re going to tell me that you saw Carmen Electra at Ralphs, too.”

And it’s over to the Casa de Ugly Boys, where Brian is mixing up some orange Gatorade and orange soda. M’kay. He begins blathering about how Audrina always has these random guys, like every day it’s someone new and he just doesn’t do that. I wonder why that is, Brian. It can’t be because you’re unattractive. It must be that you are caring and sensitive and take lots of time to get to know and appreciate each girl you consider dating. Jordan slips and blabs about the male models at the go-see today and Jason freezes. You can see in his mind this parade of beautiful men that he’ll never get to meet because Lauren had to be a greedy selfish twit and keep them all to herself. Brian continues to talk nonsense about how he never goes around telling people he’s a model. Yeah right. Then how did I know? You obviously told someone while you were on camera, so the jig is up, Brian. Your secret is out. P.S. There’s a huge difference between being a model and being a poser, even though the words imply similar actions. You should look into that. Still not a word from Jason as he continues to mentally envision floods of male models slipping right through his fingers. Jordan starts to catch on to Jason’s train of thought and become jealous when Jason slowly and silently gets up and leaves the room – presumably to burst into tears over scores of potential lost loves. Cue the blasted Black Eyed Peas to announce another commercial break. Please don’t phunk with Jason’s heart.

We rejoin America’s Sweethearts, Jordan and Heidi, who are tenderly doing a load of laundry together. Along with a load of crap about Jason and Lauren. Here we have the world’s most overt case of the pot calling the kettle black. Jordan starts listing off reasons that Jason and Lauren are no good as a couple: “They are insecure, immature, not ready to be in a relationship, and shouldn’t be in the first place because Jason is sleeping with me! Er, uh, I mean…” Heidi is too busy listening to herself talk to notice this little slip and she ponders how sad it would be to be stuck in such a relationship. Jordan counters that no one is “stuck” in a relationship and then they proceed to have an insecure, immature, not-ready-to-be-in-a-relationship argument about the whole thing.

Heidi then continues her complaints to captive listener Audrina in the kitchen. She explains what a dumbass Jordan is for telling Jason about the male models on Lauren’s birthday! I mean, if he had told him yesterday or waited until tomorrow, that would be totally different, but it’s her birthday for heaven’s sake. Doesn’t Jordan have any tact? It’s a huge scandal. Huge. What will become of Lauren’s birthday?

Over to Lauren and Whitney, who are driving along in Lauren’s car when Lauren receives a text informing her that the cat is out of the bag and Jason knows all about the male models. Lauren goes into panic mode, justifying her lie, not wanting to talk to Jason, worrying that her birthday is ruined. You know, this is striking me as strangely insecure, immature, and not ready to be in a relationship. Weird. Whitney then delivers the quote of the week: “He needs to get over this trust ‘ish’.” Ha! That is why I love you, Whitney! You have such a way with words. You are supremely brilliant at making pithy summations of the information we need to have. It’s like chocolate silk dripping from your tongue. Well done! Very well done, indeed! Jason has seemingly come to terms with his lost opportunity for meeting male models because next he calls Lauren’s cell phone, tells her she’s a liar, then explains that he doesn’t care who was at the go-see, he just wants Lauren to tell him the truth. I think we can all thank our MTV production assistant friends for this little exchange. They spent too much time decorating a room at the Downtown Standard to let it all go to pot over Jason pouting about not meeting hot guys. It was a nice, strangely mature little speech they wrote for him to give to Lauren. Thanks, guys!

Now Jane from the British Coupling shows up at Lauren and Heidi’s apartment with birthday flowers for Lauren! Again, thanks to our production assistants for sending the flowers and adding a clever note telling Lauren to pack a bag for school. How cryptic. Luckily, Lauren uses her Junior G-Man skills to decode this message to mean that she won’t be coming home tonight! Super tricky. Lauren is then whisked away in a limo to the afore-mentioned Downtown Standard hotel, where the production assistants forgot to help Jason out with his wardrobe. He clearly thinks that wearing his pretty new dog tags makes him look like this:


It does not. He looks like a complete retard in his grubbies with his bling. The PA’s did, however, do a bang-up job on the candles and flowers all over the hotel room, where dinner is also waiting to be served. Lauren nearly swoons as she sits down to enjoy her birthday feast.

The next set of dialogue is what we call the “circular conversation.”

Jason: What do you want to do tonight? Go out or stay here?
Lauren: Stay here.
Jason: Brian has this thing at National. Do you want to go?
Lauren: It’s up to you. I just want to hang out.
Jason: Do you want to go out or stay here?
Lauren: It’s up to you. I want to stay here.
Jason: Do you want to meet up with Heidi and Jordan later?
Lauren: It’s up to you, but I want to just stay here.
Jason: So what do you want to do? Go out, or…?
Lauren: (finally) Jason, I’ve explained. I WANT TO STAY HERE.
Jason: And do what? Watch a movie? Or something else?
Lauren: Can’t you just be with me?
Jason: I can.
Lauren: (Smiles)
Jason: So do you want to watch a movie, or…?
Lauren: (no more smile) It’s up to you.

Can anyone say “learning impaired?” I think we all know that Jason is secretly hoping Lauren will say they can meet up with Heidi and Jordan later, after all, Jason is probably starting to miss Jordan by now. But alas, Lauren cock-blocks and condemns Jason to an evening of staring, bored to tears, in the direction of the television. Lauren stares, hurt to tears, in the same direction. So romantic.

Happy 20^th Birthday, Lauren!