Thursday, August 24, 2006

[Jack]POT on the Runway

Ah, Project Runway, you are a gem indeed. This time, you've gone where no other reality show has gone, in terms of creating a despicable conflict, and by fulfilling NoiXdeCoco and HoneyGangsta's wishes...

The show starts with psycho Jeffrey declaring that Alison was his best friend. I find that interesting because Jeffrey is an unstable maniac and Alison was so sweet and grounded. What do they have in common and how could one relate to the other? Ponder.

The Knight Rider won last week, and he's still so excited, he grinned himself a headache. I've totally done that, and I'm being serious. I laugh so much all day long, sometimes I get tired of laughing. Between IMs from my brother, posts from TVGasm, and Kevin & Bean online, I laugh so much that I go through a whole box of tissues wiping my face of the fluids that get excreted from the I feel ya Hoff!

Did you see me foreshadow the mom thing at the end of the last post? M'kay?!?! I will be foreshadowing two more things in this just wait. We meet Uli's mom, and her name is none other than....drum roll please, HEIDI! Ha ha ha ha ha ha. And we also find out that Jeffrey is from Costa Nostra. Excuse me? Where in the world is that?? Turns out, it's his own design line and it's pretty hot. Ugh, can't believe I said that.

So the premise of this episode was to pick someone's else's mom or sister to design for. Let me just say this - I would be sooooo protective of my mother in the hands of my competitor. I was really feeling for all of them. And how was the mom supposed to help another designer when what they really want is to see their children/sibling win. When it was Vincent's turn to pick a mom or a sister, he picked "you-lee's" mom...ha ha ha, he said you-lee. That was great. He ends up winning with his atrocious outfit.

The first of about a thousand adds show up on the bottom left hand corner of my screen and it's for a delightful romantic comedy called "Million Dollar Listing" and to my surprise, Heidi is in this show too...there she goes prancing at about two inches tall, across my screen in her white suit mini-skirt. Ladies and Gentlemen, PLEASE do not forget who this show was created for!!!!

At 10:06pm my favorite PR cast member shows up on screen: Jackpot #1!!! It's Michael Kors, in daylight! He's tanner than me this week (but does he have a heart shaped un-tanned spot in a suggestive place? Probably.)

You don't think I use the stickers in the tanning salon too?

He's there at Tavern on the Green with his mom, I already feel closer to him. Robert Best makes a comment not worth remembering, but the way he says it makes me question if he's actually a woman! He is THAT gay. Almost like a parody. Everyone has lunch, they look at fat and ugly picture from the past and then we say goodbye. Michael Kors is wearing Top Gun glasses - so hot!!! I'm getting really confused at this point about my attraction to Michael Kors and his Top Gun sunglasses and ultimate tan. I love you! Is that going too fast?

I feel the need. The need for an insanse crotch!

Back at the board room room, Vincent declares his genious contribution to American society: "You-lee's mom has this European flair about her." Hmmm...could that be because she's EURO and can't even speak English? Have you noticed that You-lee has a European flair about her? You quacky Vincent, you.

Angela's mom got Jeffrey as her designer. He was so frustrated at working with her because she was larger, she totally picked up on it and said: "I feel bad. I feel like I want to cry. I feel like maybe I'm limiting you." Cut to Jeffrey's mom yapping about how proud she is of her son for cleaning his act up and going to rehab, blah blah blah. Cut back to Jeffrey calling Angela's mom "that crazy bitch" and telling to her face: "I don't appreciate you even standing here" and also telling to her face: "You're insecure - what do you think about that?" Let me remind you what he said to Laura one week: "I hope she has a stroke." These aren't like minor stabs at others, this is calling someone's mom (who, by the way was sweet as a chocolate covered coconut macaroon) a crazy bitch and wishing your competitor died of a stroke. Way to go Jeffrey's mom - still proud?

I guess he's come a long way, and I get that he cleaned up his act as far as living like a marginal non-participating member of society, but he's not that far up from that. I'm suggesting some counseling, it could really help him.

This is really an akward situation, especially since Jeffrey's mom is right there, and she goes and tries to talk to Angela's mom. I feel uncomfortable and I'm at least 3 months (and 30 min - DVR) removed from this actually happening. Yikes! Kudos to PR for coming up with a new twist on things.

Caricature Butler comes in and declares, completely shockingly, that they have 1.5 hours to get their models to the Treseme hair salon, Loreal make-up (oh, make-up, how I miss you) room, and don't forget to use the Macy's accessories wall and hydrate with aquafina water, and walk in Aldo shoes, and do their confessional into the Toshiba camera and make sure to speak loudly into the Groove Tubes GT55 microphone, and sit in the chairs provided by Staples, and enjoy some almonds from Blue Diamond, and...

I feel the need to wash my hair all of a sudden. But I don't have any treseme. Hmmm, is Duane Reade open 24 hours a day?

Jackpot #2 was at the jugding when Heidi and Heidi had a convo in German!! HG's dream come true, right??? Did you wet your pants? I almost did, in your honor.

Here are some of the comments:

This is Stevie Nicks in Black
Very strange

Angela said that her mom's outfit (made by psycho Jeffrey) is embarrasing..ha ha ha.
Comme de Garçon went to the Amish Country...ha ha ha! I love you Michael Kors.
(In a very obvious voice over (YOU SUCK HEIDI (Klum, not Uli's mom))) Your outfit was a failure, your client didn't like it and neither did we.

Snore..boring, boring, boring, over and over
You've bored us more than once, and this time is no exception (harsh!)

Vincent wins...Arghhhhhhhhh

Robert Best (ha ha, not so much) is Auf'd

Next week: They're designing for jetsetters. Who are also hermaphrodites.

Damn it - go home Jeffrey.

One last photo for you lucky, lucky people!!


Honey Gangsta said...

Wow! I love that you are the PR poster. These are sooooo funny!!! I'm totally laughing and can't see straight to write my comments.

Ah hem! Ok, first Cosa Nostra. Hilarious. That phrase is Italian and I learned it when I read The Godfather. It means “code of silence.” It’s a total mafia thing. Yeah, Jeffrey with his mammoth neck tattoos is sooo mafia. Dangerous with his little needle and thread. Um, no. I briefly visited the Cosa Nostra site (thanks for your link!) and I’m not a huge fan. I just, however, looked up Cosa Nostra on Wikipedia and it means, literally, “our thing.” So it’s not the code of silence so much as the mafia in general. Yes, very Jeffrey.

I agree that this was a stroke of genius on the part of the producers to have the designers design for someone else’s mom. Of course the first person to pick chose Robert’s sister because she was nice and thin. Then it went down from there in body type. The worse the body type, the bigger the challenge (no pun intended). And yes, so rude the way Jeffrey hushed up Angela’s mom and did whatever he wanted, which turned out to look like some country patchwork quilt and not a fashionable outfit. I do have to say, though, that I wish Angela’s mom hadn’t taken it so hard. Imagine if he’d talked like that to Laura’s mom. She would have smacked him around. Who is he? Mr. Cosa Nostra. Yeah right, the pin cushion mafia. Give me a break. Angela’s mom should have stood up for herself! I’m glad Angela stepped in.

I OF COURSE loved the German convo. I rewound it a few times to make sure I got what was said. Spread Eagle Heidi said, “Gefallen Sie ihrem Kleid?” Which means, “Do you like your dress?” and then Heidi #2 said, “Vincent hat es für mir gemacht. Und es hat mir sofort gefallen.” Or something similar, which means, “Vincent made it for me and I liked it right away.” So cute! She was so sweet to be nice to Vince Clortho, Key Master of Gozer. Then Spread Eagle Heidi goes, “She likes it.” Hmm. It sounded like a lot more was said (more than I caught), but whatevs. Spread Eagle Heidi can’t be bothered with fellow countrymen when she has her own show to rule.

Again, I LOVED Uli’s outfit. She took a paisley print and put it with stripes and of course, made a masterpiece. Why, oh why did she lose to Vince Clortho? Inexplicable! It was kind of funny when Angela’s outfit (on Laura’s mom) got ripped on because Laura’s mom was all bossy during the creation and thought she added so much with her glorious opinion, but alas! It was strange, and so not Audrey Hepburn.

BTW, did you see how now Laura is going to have 6 kids? Will we ever hear the end of it?

Also, love your man-crush on Michael Kors. I personally prefer Tim Gunn, so… carry on! Ha ha ha.

Honey Gangsta said...

Oh, I forgot to mention that the first person to pick was the Knight Rider himself and he made that amazing reversible dress!!! Would have been much more impressive if he designed for a large model, but I loved it anyway. That dress was joyous!

Honey Gangsta said...

I forgot again!!! Yes, that Amish Country remark by Michael Kors. I had no idea what the first part was, either, but I laughed so hard! Ha ha ha! (Whoever) goes to Amish Country! So funny, and I couldn't even really explain why.

NoiXdeCoco said...

Ya I can totally see gay Jeffrey thinking he's so bad ass making outfits!!!!!!!!!! HELLO! And he's on TV sewing! And getting into bitch fits. DUDE get a life. Jeffrey is soooo weak sauce.

See I thought Angela's mom did stick up for herself. She totally told him to stop talking to her like that. It's not really in her personality to throw a bitch fit herself, so she was trying to get respect in a dignified way. Albeit that shit doesn't work on psychos like Jeffrey. *I* felt bad watching the whole thing, and especially for her. I can't imagine how I would have reacted and I definitely would have taken that hard. It was soooo uncalled for! She's probably not used to being around psychos (unlike her daughter Angela, who is borderline herself).

I wasn't sold on the reversable dress, maybe it was the stiffness, or the ricockulous belt tied around her waist. The idea was great, execution, not sold.

Honey Gangsta said...

My favorite lines from the TVgasm recap:

When Vincent's sister comes out wearing Roberts outfit she looks like a giant walking hurricane warning flag.

Not speaking German I'm not sure what they were talking about but I'm sure it had something to do with the Jews.

OMG!!! Too hilarious!

Bijou Clochard said...

yes, caught that "She has this European flair about her" line too... Whata load of crap! What an idiot!

I swear that Vincent is not even real and that he has been planted on this show. He is an actor - there is something abou thim that just does not jive...

NoiXdeCoco said...

I posted a link for both Comme des Garçon and Amish Country wear...