Friday, August 11, 2006

Online [H]ating

This post is inspired by a friend of mine's blog. She tried's online dating and chronicled her experiences. This intrigued me enough to get on NY's creme de la creme dating web site lavalife, and check out what's out there, you know, just for fun. Here are some of the photos I would contemplate on using in my bio if I were ever brave enough to create one:

This one says - look, I know how to keep my eyebrows perfectly arched and I'm easily separated from my trench coat.

This one says - I like my beer like men: from Latin American countries and I have a killer earring collection.Finally, and I believe most importantly, this one says: I'm not afraid of bed head (and again, check out the earrings!)

Any-who, I digress with pictures of me...who wouldn't.

I went and I browsed a couple of profiles, and I came across a GEM that I wanted to share here...and thus the purpose of this post. (The pictures of me are purely self-indulgent, and not relevant to the hating I am about the embark on.)

Here's the profile:

I'm 5'10", 210, I don't use drugs and I don't play games. [gnomecorp: well, ok. Tall enough, and no drugs, that's good. Good start!] I chase bad guys for a living [gnomecorp: translation, he's a cop...he just went down about 4 points out of a 10 point sysyem. At this time, I would have stopped reading his profile and moved on, but he was CUTE!!! And I'm shallow, deal with it!] I'm in the gym on the weekdays and I try to eat clean but my sweet tooth doesn't make it easy. [gnomecorp: ok, I'm the same. I empathize. Except I'm not in the gym on the weekdays and I don't really try to eat "clean" but I do wash the fruits I eat and the counter from which I eat on, so if that's what he means by clean, then too! And everyone that knows me, knows that I will give up my first born child for a coconut macaroon - sweet tooth, check]

I want someone who's laid back and fun, doesn't stress easily, I'm not looking to spend my down time with Ms. Miserable, or Ms. Everything-is-a-Crisis. But I'm not on the hunt for Ms. Perfect either. [gnomecorp: Ah, ok. This is like on K&B when people call and say they like to have fun...although, I know for a fact that my brother does NOT like to have fun, and Sputnik does NOT like to laugh. Nevertheless, I feel like it's a given that we are all avoiding nut cases...but don't be TOO PERFECT! ]

Two important points I gotta address: (1) IF YOU CURRENTLY POSSESS OR HAVE EVER
POSSESSED A PEN1S, I'M NOT INTERESTED. [gnomecorp: You sure you're not interested? Maybe you're bringing it up, cause subconsciously you really do want a penis...NYPD boy, you're stock is now below street value. I'm now in debt if I own your stock, catch my metaphorical drift??] (2) IF YOU DON'T HAVE PICTURES, OR CAN'T SEND ME PICTURES IN A TIMELY MANNER [gnomecorp: fair enough - I mean, I'm only reading this cause he's a hottie] (to prove to me that you won't be the heavy end of our see-saw), [gnomecorp: WHAT????] I'M NOT INTERESTED. [gnomecorp: DOUBLE WHAT??? RUDE!!!!! Does this really have to be spelled out? Is there a non-heavy gal who's now thinking - what a catch, he knows what he wants and it's not penises or fatties. This is TERRIBLE. I now want to punch him in the face. Who does he think he is? Have a little consideration! You don't have to write back to the fatties or the transexuals, but my gosh, do you HAVE to let everyone know you're a dick? Actually, now that I think about it, he's doing everyone a favor. Ladies - if you go out with this dick, you will get exactly what you bargained for!]

Turn-ons [gnomecorp: I don't even know why I keep reading]

Nothing better than a girl who knows how to be sexy. Eye contact. Creativity. Decisiveness, but not dominance. [gnomecorp: Don't forget to be creative while you're being sexy, ladies.]


(1)Dramatic narratives..."I long for the one who'll make the wind smell sweeter, who shines like a star in the heavens..." [gnomecorp: he's VERY particular about everything, isn't he? Including the type of monologues you have with yourself...I'm wondering if he has a preference for the types of thoughts that I have inside my head, and the order I ask for a non-fat, tall, vanilla, iced latte <- I bet that would NEVER fly with this guy.] Christ, sweetheart [gnomecorp: uhh, condescending much??]...I think Fabio's already got a boyfriend, sorry to burst yer bubble. [gnomecorp: He definitely has penis envy]

(2)Geographical desirability (if I gotta fly there, do you really think we have a shot?) [gnomecorp:Hey, NYPD boy, If I gotta hear you talk, do you really think YOU have a shot?]

The end :)

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