Princess Heidi Puts Her Foot Down (In The Hills)

So… did something happen this week on The Hills? Okay I know Jordan and Heidi broke up, but that took like two minutes, tops. What happened the other 28 minutes? Eight minutes were commercials, but the other 20? I think there were lots of montages of Los Angeles from many different angles at different times of day. We also watched Lauren and Jason walk down the street for much longer than remotely necessary. I saw the building where Teen Vogue is. I saw the outside of the apartment building where everybody lives – in the rain. I saw Pink’s on La Brea and the El Capitan theater. It was basically a tele-tour of LA. This episode should have been called "Let's Go Los Angeles" but in reality – and I use that term loosely – it was called “Love Is Not a Maybe Thing.” How inspiring.

We begin with Heidi and Audrina lunching and discussing the status of Heidi’s relationship with Jordan. Heidi says she and Jordan are over the honeymoon phase. Audrina lays down a shocker – she’s never been in a serious relationship. I’m sure Hollywood Douchebag Dan and Hollywood Douchebag Brad are still available. They’re probably reluctant to settle down though, and that leads us back to – Brian.


Ah, poor Brian waiting quietly in the wings for Audrina to grow tired of all of the random guys she’s always getting stuck on. Brian is different because he never tells anyone he’s a model. Perhaps Audrina will come to her senses and discover what has been right there all along. In the immortal words of Survivor, “♫ The search is over... you were with me all the while.” ANYWAY! Heidi reveals that she is on the big bad verge of a “turning point!” She may mean lighter highlights, she may mean apple martini instead of cosmopolitan, she may mean Hermès over Prada. It’s all very mysterious and I, for one, can’t wait for the reveal!

Now for opening credits introducing us to everyone who will be reintroduced whenever they appear onscreen.

Big montage of LA and then over to Audrina’s apartment where Heidi arrives apparently mid-cell-phone-conversation with her dog, Bella. “Don’t you talk to me like that, you naughty-waughty puppy.” Actually she is talking to Jordan, but in that exact tone. “Bad boyfriend. Bad Jordan.” Heidi hangs up and suffers a nervous breakdown. “I don’t know what to do when he cusses at me like that and I… I… don’t know what to do! Waaaah!” Audrina moves a strand of Heidi’s hair in an awkward attempt at comforting her. It seems that Jordan thinks Heidi is his driver and is very displeased at her shirking her responsibility to come and pick him up. Heidi is obviously very busy going down the hall to Audrina’s apartment and can’t be bothered to give her loser boyfriend a ride. “I’m not his chauffer, I’m a princess! Boo hoo hoo hoo.”

Speaking of driving, following another montage of LA, we cut to Whitney who is in the Teen Vogue closet driving a conversation about Lauren’s birthday. Lauren dreamily explains how Jason decorated a room at the Downtown Standard and it was all just perfect. She conveniently leaves out the part where Jason wanted to do anything besides just hang out with Lauren and they both ended up watching television in tormented agony.


Whitney says she is so impressed that these guys are so young, but they know just what to do. I have to agree that this show does have some very talented production assistants who can’t be past their 20’s. Good call, Whitney!

Now a montage of LA at night and then back to Heidi, who has given up on men completely and is making out with Bella on the couch. Jordan arrives wearing a confusing combination of a basketball jersey and sunglasses balanced on top of his head. (Is anyone still on the fence about Jordan’s sexual orientation?) “Jordan, we need to talk!” Heidi begins. And so begins yet another useful discussion in the relationship of Jordan and Heidi. Heidi asks if Jordan can please talk to her more nicely. Jordan says he will not! He is passionate and he will not reconstruct who he is to become a calm person! He really said that. Heidi resorts to begging Jordan to please watch what he says to her because she is a princess. Jordan says he is what he is. Period! So, no. He will not watch what he says. He will continue with the verbal abuse and Heidi will fall in line and like it! Hmm. I’m thinking this will require some thought on what Heidi’s next steps should be. Yes, they both go off to think about it. Jordan leaves Heidi with the loving words, “Shut up!” Heidi wants Bella to join her in the bedroom for meditation. Bella refuses. Denied!

We are extremely lucky to come back from commercial to a montage of LA followed by Lauren and Jason having a lunch loaded with stimulating conversation. Ha ha ha ha ha! Okay, but the lunch part is true. Lauren says that her friends would all really like the chance to take Jason out to dinner. Let’s pause for a moment because it seems to me that Lauren’s friends have had dinner with Jason on every episode since his triumphant return. Maybe what Lauren’s friends really said was that they would like the chance to see Lauren with a winner. Yes, that has to be it since dinner has happened multiple times. Jason responds by saying he wants to get a house on the beach with Lauren for the summer. Ah, once again, the easy ebb and flow of logical conversation on The Hills. The lovebirds stroll down the street hand in hand for at least a full useless minute to the romantic tune of a song about California.

Ooohh, here is a montage of Pan Pacific Park in LA. Now Jordan discusses his Princess Heidi troubles with Poor Brian and they both revert to southern accents. Poor Brian offers up a brilliant suggestion. Talk nicely to Princess Heidi! Psyche! He totally does not say that. His suggestion is for Jordan to show up when Princess Heidi gets off of work in a suit and tie with flowers and take Princess Heidi out to dinner. Dazzling solution! Considering that their relationship is on the brink of total annihilation, Jordan decides that would be too much trouble. “I don’t know if I wanna do that.” The girls boys play basketball instead.

We switch over to Princess Heidi and Lauren continuing to discuss the complicated situation over sushi. After Princess Heidi explains her latest frustration, Lauren wrinkles up her nose and says in a baby voice with a huge smile, “Boy problems are no fun!” Translation: “I have no idea what you just said, but I’m not in a fight with my boyfriend right now, so who cares?” Thanks for the empathy, bi-atch! Lauren then reassures Princess Heidi that no matter what happens, Lauren and Jason will be there for her. Okay, even saying that Lauren will be there for her is a stretch, but Jason? OMG! Puh-lease! Jason can’t even be there for his dealer! And we’ve seen how he’s “been there for Lauren.” He’s really going to be counted upon as a shoulder to cry on when Princess Heidi is having tough times? Lauren, can you please say something else, because every time you’ve opened your mouth on this episode, your statements have become increasingly more ludicrous and laughable. You haven’t made sense even once yet! Princess Heidi announces that there is a difference between loving someone and being “absolutely in love” with someone. Lauren prods whether Princess Heidi is “absolutely in love” with Jordan. Princess Heidi thinks (which looks really painful) and then says “no.”

We come back from commercial to something very new and different – a montage of LA in the rain! Inside Princess Heidi’s palace, Lauren is extremely busy, as usual. This time she is tearing pages out of a magazine. I just don’t know where she finds the time. Well, it looks like Jordan is moving out! His crap is all over the palace, but packed up and ready for him to take it away. Princess Heidi whines to her mom about it on the phone for a minute and then Jordan comes in, totally snubs Lauren and her magazine tearing, and stalks into the Princess’s chamber. Here Jordan makes a desperate last ditch effort to salvage the façade of his relationship with Princess Heidi (people might start to wonder about Jordan and Jason without the Princess cover). Casting aside any shred of dignity that may have existed, Jordan cries like a little whiny bitch and begs Princess Heidi to please take him back. He loves her, he can’t imagine his life without her. I can’t help but notice that there is still no resolve to treat her nicely. Big pause… Princess Heidi is done. She gets up and hands Jordan his bracelet and his necklace. (Any final questions on Jordan’s sexuality?) After Jordan skulks away, Lauren hugs the Princess and reminds her that – uh-hem – she and Jason will be here, ok? Yeah ok. Great. The Princess goes to take a nappy. That actually sounds like a really good idea.

Jordan goes back down the hall to the Ugly Boys’ apartment to continue his crying to da boyz. This is completely out of nowhere! Jordan had no idea the Princess was so sensitive about being verbally and emotionally abused. I mean sheesh! Women are so demanding – particularly when they’re royalty. I must note that Poor Brian is looking especially ugly in this scene.


He looks like he just pulled his head out of the toilet – and I mean more so than usual. Jason and Poor Brian can NOT believe that Princess Heidi and Jordan are through. It is the end of an era. They were the model couple, the ones everyone else looked up to, the ones to give out relationship advice to other couples. I know that I took many a lead from Jordan and Princess Heidi when dealing with my own social life over the last couple of months. Particularly putting an end to arguments with the undisputable “Shut up!” Now who will guide me? Ah, now comes the quote of the week and it is quite a mouthful, considering that it is coming from a mute. Jason carefully considers the conversation, takes a deep breath, and announces: “I thought me and Lauren would be way done before they would!” Wow. I think that statement speaks for itself. Lucky, lucky Lauren. Jordan continues his crying jag, pondering that he and the Princess were picture perfect. Everyone said they were completely in love, all the time. It is quite important what everyone said all the time, you know. And with everyone else thinking the relationship was fine, Jordan is utterly baffled. He throws his hands up in complete bewilderment.

We pan across LA at night and then during the day and end up back in the Teen Vogue closet where Whitney and Lauren are once again messing with the racks of clothes that decorate their office – which makes sense since their office is a closet. Lauren tells Whitney about the Big Breakup and Whitney drives the conversation for a while. She’ll have to call Princess Heidi, is Jordan upset, blah, blah, blah. Then she announces that summer is always so stressful because she feels like she has to get some kind of job! Yes, that is quite a pain. Thank goodness we won’t have to worry about that anymore once we… oh wait, most of us will have jobs for the rest of our lives! How stressful! I feel like I have to be employed! Lauren reveals that she may move into a beach house with Jason. Whitney brings up the important issues like what will Princess Heidi do if Lauren moves in with Jason? Laurens stammers and Whitney translates: “You haven’t spoken to her about it yet.” That’s correct – thanks Whitney! We leave Lauren staring at the clothes racks twisting her hair and looking very puzzled.

Princess Heidi and Audrina are inexplicably hanging out alone in the casting room at Quixote Studios. Audrina is getting the scoop on all of the recent developments. She tells Princess Heidi that things will be different now because she’s only known Princess Heidi with a boyfriend, but now she gets her buddy back. Big plans ensue for the girls to hit the town and get their mojo back.

Let’s see… There are still 2 minutes of time to fill before the closing credits can roll, so we are treated to… a montage of LA! I was wondering what Los Angeles looks like, so I’m really happy to see this again. I am now intimately familiar with every crack in the sidewalk citywide.

6838 Hollywood Blvd.