Thursday, August 17, 2006

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow in The Hills


Oh wow.

This is the season finale of The Hills and there is just so much happening that my head is spinning. We start off with a very informative recap from Lauren. Did you know that Whitney is graduating to an internship with Teen Vogue in New York City? Neither did I, but Lauren said it like it happened on the last episode. Poor Whitney with her important scenes always getting cut. She’s only good for conversation driving about the other characters. No one cares about her pathetic story line. Next we visit Jason and Lauren, who are touring a phat beach house in Malibu. Jason reveals that he is tired of being around people 24/7, so he wants to spend the summer at the beach house with just Lauren. Damn people. They’re everywhere, you know?

“Timing is Everything,” on this very surprising season finale. What could this cryptic title mean?

Over to Teen Vogue, where Lauren and Whitney are in an important meeting with L-squared. LA Fashion Week is coming up and the girls are going to be participating in a big way. Never mind that in real life interns would be making dinner and car service reservations for their bosses while never leaving their closet. Lauren and Whitney have major responsibilities. Whitney will be helping to set up an after party at the Roosevelt Hotel. She’s so composed all the time that I know she can handle it. Lauren will be getting tickets for a Jennifer Nicholson show. So much for major responsibilities. Who the crap is Jennifer Nicholson? Granted, I do not run in fashion circles, but I have never heard of this person, not even on Sex and the City. L-squared looks right at Lauren and says, “Do you think you can manage that?” Oh, the faith L-squared has in Lauren is overwhelming. It is, however, a fair question. It is actually a good question. Can Lauren manage that? Probably not.

Now to Bolthouse Productions where Mr. Bolthouse is telling Princess Heidi that he can probably get her into – what else? – the Jennifer Nicholson show! Wow! That is such a major coincidence that Princess Heidi gets to go to the same obscure fashion show that Lauren has to get tickets for. Mr. Bolthouse bestows this enormous token of goodwill onto Princess Heidi without ever cracking a smile – even when she grovels at his feet. He is so above all of this. It’s boring.


Princess Heidi immediately snatches up her phone and calls Elodie in the adjoining cubicle to brag about going to the show. Elodie is congratulatory, yet somewhat incredulous. She needn’t be. It makes perfect sense to give the biggest perks to the most junior staff members. Common entertainment industry practice. Sorry Elodie, looks like you’re the one still paying her dues. Princess Heidi twists the knife a little more by saying whimsically, “Life in Hollywood is so good!” Elodie begins to cry.

Next Lauren hops out of a limousine to greet L-squared and Amy Astley, the Editor in Chief of Teen Vogue. Apparently we have jumped forward in time because it’s the night of the fashion show. “Hi, how are you?” Lauren shrieks in falsetto. Big news. L-squared and A-squared need two more tickets to the Jennifer Nicholson show (who?). Lauren freezes because she thought she was home free with her major responsibilities. L-squared says it should be no problem if Lauren says the tickets are for two Vogue editors.

Lauren hops back into the limo and begins to furiously get down to business by calling Whitney to complain about her latest assignment. Whitney, though busy setting up the after party at the Roosevelt Hotel, takes time out to drive the complaint-conversation. She agrees that Lauren has been assigned a very large task and has no helpful words of advice. Lauren’s clever solution is to purchase two folding chairs and stick them into the audience hoping no one will notice. Hee hee. Silly Lauren!

Arriving at the Jennifer Nicholson show (who?), Lauren hangs out backstage shifting her weight from one foot to the other. Enter the fashion show Gestapo, aka Kelly Cutrone, who is also Jennifer Nicholson’s publicist. (I must say she hasn’t done a good job of publicizing.) This woman is on an enormous power trip. She demands to know what Lauren is doing. Lauren makes a fool out of herself by saying she’s waiting for Kelly Cutrone (ha ha ha), and Kelly demands to know what she wants. Lauren wants two more tickets for Vogue editors, but Kelly is having none of it! “I know all the Vogue editors! Who are they?! This is the 11th hour! Go wait over there and I’ll be with you when I can!” Can I just say: YES! Finally! Someone who is unimpressed with the MTV camera crew? I love it. She was even throwing suspicious glares at the cameras the entire time she was ordering Lauren around. “Get in the corner!” Nobody puts Baby in a corner.

I’d like to take a moment and reference a Fashion Weekly Daily interview with Kelly Cutrone. Thanks to TVgasm for linking to this on their glorious site. When asked what she thought of Lauren, Kelly said, “That girl was so funny…She stood around backstage for at least a half hour before she figured out what to do. She didn’t really have the sense of how to do things: she wanted stuff to fall on top of her and into her lap.” Thank you, fashion show Gestapo, for telling us what you really think, instead of sugar coating it for the sake of poor little Lauren’s career. (The name Lisa Love comes to mind.)

Back to the show, where Princess Heidi and Audrina, her lady-in-waiting, have made it into a fashion show so exclusive that not even Vogue editors can get tickets. I’m sure Jennifer Nicholson will be thrilled to know who populated her audience as she attempts to make a name for herself. Lauren spies her friends and nearly has a come-apart. She takes five to complain yet again about her impossible task, but she still solves nothing. Princess Heidi decides to take action. “We’ll figure it out,” she offers. Oh great. If her royal highness, Sherlock Heidi is on the case, there is no need to worry. Whew. Lauren finally reaches L-squared via her cell phone and gets the names of the editors who still need tickets – which she immediately forgets. The second Lauren snaps her phone shut, the Gestapo is all up in her face demanding to know the story. Lauren has no idea. Kelly Gestapo Cutrone rolls her eyes to her cohorts in full view of the MTV cameras while Lauren frantically looks to Princess Heidi for help. “Um, Hamish Bowles and…” Heidi? Heidi? Weren’t you going to figure this out? Nothing from Princess Heidi. The other name Lauren is searching for turns out to be… Lauren. Yes Lauren. No wonder she forgot. Well, it’s spelled Lawren, which is totally different than Lauren, so it figures that she would never remember. “Lawren Howell!” she finally blurts out triumphantly. Thanks for nothing, Princess Heidi. Kelly Gestapo Cutrone leaves Lauren with some loving advice: “You need to move quicker, sweetie, if you’re going to work in fashion.” Snap!



Now enter the guests of honor. Arriving at the Jennifer Nicholson fashion show (who?) is: Hamish Bowles, European Editor at Large, Vogue. Editor at Large? So he’s missing? Is this like a fugitive at large, or is this some kind of fashion jargon that I am not privy to? Also arriving is: Lawren Howell, the forgotten West Coast Fashion Editor of Vogue. Lauren leads everyone to their seats and L-squared, in an unprecedented moment of kindness, actually tells Lauren thank you. She obviously has no idea how ridiculous Lauren just made Teen Vogue look. Lauren waves goodbye to the front row and goes back to her corner to watch the show. Ha ha ha – again! You may wonder why MTV did not arrange for Lauren to also watch from the front row. Funny you should ask because I have the answer right from the mouth of the fashion show Gestapo herself. We return to her Fashion Weekly Daily interview to find out, “’I was like, absolutely not,” said Kelly. “If she’s an intern, she’s not going to sit in the front row. I don’t care that she’s on MTV. She can stand in the back as an intern.’” Ah yes, you know I am loving this, but did I happen to mention that this woman is on a power trip?

We return to the Teen Vogue intern closet where Whitney drives a delightful conversation about how the two interns are not usually separated, so the preceding events were more difficult. Blaine steps into the office, blares a trumpet, and announces that her majesty, L-squared, requests an audience with Lauren. Whitney speculates that usually means Lauren is in trouble.

L-squared tells Lauren that A-squared really liked her and that although Lauren was shaky at first, she’s really gotten it together and worked her way up. Really? Are you sure about that, L-squared? Couldn’t it just be that she’s gotten better at hiding her incompetence? Nah! Lauren has risen to the challenge and has earned herself a nomination for… a summer internship at Paris Vogue! Who nominated her, I am wondering at this point. Princess Heidi? L-squared says that New York thinks she can do it. Shows what New York knows! This is insanity, of course.

Back from commercial to the intern closet where Whitney almost craps herself with jealousy. Lauren is hesitating big time over whether to take the internship because you see, she’s already made summer plans with Jason. Whitney is stunned that Lauren could even consider passing up this opportunity and offers to go in her place. Get ready for another pithy Whitney summation: “Timing, right? If it was only, like, another summer!” Yes, that would solve Lauren’s imbecility. Oh well, at least this episode’s title inspiration has been identified. In the lobby, the interns bid each other a tearful farewell, followed by, “I’ll call you tomorrow!” I guess the internship is over, but the powerful new friendship forged therein is not!

Later at home, Lauren sits on the couch flipping through an issue of Paris Vogue to help her come to some sort of decision. I’m not sure how much help looking at pictures will be. (There is no way Lauren is bilingual.) Princess Heidi comes in and gets the scoop. Lauren illustrates her point by holding up the magazine when she says “Paris.” Thanks Lauren. I didn’t quite understand what you meant by “Paris Vogue” until you held up that copy of Paris Vogue. Princess Heidi thinks it’s cool and all, but what is Lauren going to do? There are plans in place with Jason. Lauren says that she and Jason have been so up and down, but they’re finally at a really good place and she doesn’t want to leave right now. I think by “really good place” she had to mean the beach house, because their relationship is still an absolute joke.

And it’s off to Malibu where the beach house has apparently been rented. Jason is sitting on the floor listening to his iPod. At least he’s making good use of all his free time. He tells Lauren that he’s been doing some thinking. Ha ha! Sorry. He’s thought about getting patio furniture and a barbeque. Wow. How long has he been sitting on that floor? I mean, he did some real thinking. This is great! Patio furniture and a barbeque? But wait, why is Lauren so quiet? Lauren, eating a piece of her hair, busts the news about her internship offer and is greeted with… silence. Jason asks what she will do. Lauren delivers the quote of the week: “Like Paris isn’t something you just immediately say no to, you know?” Yes Lauren, you’re definitely right. Usually you consider your loser boyfriend and his big plans for patio furniture and a barbeque, and then you say yes. Glad you’re thinking logically. Jason sees a big opening and says he’ll support whatever decision Lauren makes. In his mind he begins picturing all the kick-ass parties he and Jordan can throw this summer at the beach house with Lauren safely across the Atlantic. There will be so much coke and so many gay orgies. Solid!



Back from another commercial, Princess Heidi and her lady-in-waiting Audrina are lounging poolside discussing boys. Princess Heidi decides that she has been using the wrong approach with the whole having-a-boyfriend thing. She figures that she had it right in preschool, when she liked a new boy every day and always liked multiple boys at once. She even got boys to fight over her and that is what she would like to see happening again. Yeah well, in preschool I wet my pants in class, but I wouldn’t recommend doing it now. There’s a reason you go to preschool when you are four years old. Audrina announces that they are going to go out every night! They are going to have the best summer! Adrina then says, “I’ll miss Lauren.” Princess Heidi says, “Who?”

And it’s in to Lauren’s room, where Lauren is packing for some unknown destination wearing a cocktail dress and pearls. This doesn’t seem right for either an international flight or lounging on the new patio furniture in Malibu. Her one suitcase doesn’t seem to fit the idea of moving to a new house – even for the summer. Hmm. Where could she be going? Lauren and Princess Heidi tell each other goodbye and they love each other, but Lauren says she’ll be back! Hmm. Still no clue as it is definitely conceivable for Lauren to come back either from Paris or Malibu.

Lauren sticks her suitcase upright in the backseat of her topless BMW and takes off. We now cut to a shot of L-squared arriving at LAX, presumably to meet someone. Could that someone be… Lauren? Next we cut to Jason, hanging out at the beach house, watching his hair grow. Still no answers. Where is Lauren going? Where will she be spending – ah! It’s Malibu! Lauren pulls into the driveway of the beach house in the triumphant apex of another brilliant decision. No more pesky closet browsing (in France), no more annoying photo shoots (in France), no more impossible tickets to fetch (in France). No more! Lauren has opted for a stimulating summer on the beach with Jason – up the road from where she’s lived her whole life! Well done, Lauren!

Anticlimactically, Whitney shows up at LAX to meet L-squared. L-squared asks if she’s ready and Whitney says yes. Where is she going? New York City? Paris? Oh, do you think we will ever know?

Jason tells Lauren she is just in time for the sunset. They kiss and say they love each other. They are going to have an amazing summer watching themselves look like idiots on television. Hooray for The Hills!

P.S. To tie up any loose ends, I’ve gathered this useful piece of information from Wikipedia: “The audience is left with the appearance that Whitney takes the internship in Paris instead. It turns out that the internship in Paris was staged and that there was not really a ‘Big Decision’ looming over Lauren.”

Of all the low down, dirty tricks.

1 comment:

NoiXdeCoco said...

I would LOVE to comment on this post, but I have to be honest with you and tell you that I am SO OVER the Hills. And now that it's actually not on TV anymore, I simply can't revisit it.

My brain hurts everytime I think about these retards and all the crap editing they do to make it "seem" like a certain way. Puke.

But, as usual, your post is totally hillarious. I absolutely love the hats that were chosen for our heroins. Audrina is my fave - HOOTERS..ha ha ha ha. The look on her face is priceless. I wonder if she's thinking about getting Jeffrey's tattoos on the front of her neck.