Revendge is Sweat on Two-A-Days

This week Two-A-Days starts right off with an homage to the Pussycat Dolls. In the opening montage, we see the Buccaneers bursting through a banner on the football field that reads, “Don’t Ya Wish Your Seniors Were Hot Like Us?” Then each of the senior football players’ names are decorating the banner. This gave me a chuckle. Will the next banner read, “Loosen Up Our Buccaneers’ Buttons?” Ha ha ha.

Okay, on to the show.

We see an overview of the past several weeks of football games, with Hoover of course winning each and every game. Even Alex and Kristin are doing better as evidenced by the two of them telling each other they smell bad on the field after the game. How tender. Alex then tells us that the players are starting to break down. Ross hurt his leg (and has a massive concussion still healing), Alex hurt his shoulder, and Max hurt his back. Worst of all, Repete has been spotted openly flirting with cheerleaders from an opposing team. We see him hollering to some girls in the stands who are trying to make a hasty exit, and then we see Defensive Coordinator Jeremy Pruitt yanking him away from another group of girls and ordering him to act like he’s got some ****ing class. Oh dear. Anyway, I thought Repete loved Megan, what about that? Oh yes, I remember. He also loves “the women.” Megan must feel very special.

Now comes the big shocker. This week is a huge game. HUGE. The play-offs have arrived and Hoover has the chance to redeem themselves against Tuscaloosa County, the only team that has beaten them all year. I remember that black, black day. I called in sick to work and sat at home eating ice cream with a huge box of Kleenex.

Following the opening credits, we join the kids at the site of all important Hoover conversation – the cafeteria. Chatterbox Jessica has resurfaced, asking Max how he hurt himself in the game. Max explains that he landed on his back on top of another player, heard it crack three times, and now it hurts when he burps. Well, as long as Max doesn’t burp during the upcoming Big Game, Tuscaloosa County better look out.

"What happened? Where y'all going? What y'all doing? Are y'all nervous? Are y'all pumped?"

Next it seems that the football team has begun training for the Mr. Universe competition, as they are all lifting enormous barbells and grunting like bodybuilders on steroids. Alex confessionals that beating Tuscaloosa County is all he has been able to think about. Max sums up his very mature, sportsmanlike attitude saying, “I just hate them.”

Now Coach Propst leads a meeting where it appears that the boys have viewed either some slides or some video of themselves at practice, and Coach Propst actually tells them that he thinks they have improved a lot since Black Friday, BUT so has Tuscaloosa County. It comes down to the next three weeks if the boys want to win the state championship, and to quote our beloved Coach, “You better FIGHT to keep what’s yers. You better fight to KEEP what’s yers. You better listen to me. You better fight to keep what’s YERS.” Go Bucs!

Back outside to practice, and Max is having trouble with his shameful job of punting. He complains to the coaches that it hurts when his body jerks. You know, like when he burps? No more soda for Max! Or is all soda “Coke” in Hoover? Just trying to get with the colloquialisms. The team doctor squeals up to the practice field in his Mercedes, flashes Ross a wink and a thumbs-up, and heads over to Max’s stepdad, Jim, where they decide it’s time for Max to get checked out. Jim slips Dr. Bryant a Benjamin and agrees to meet him at his car, nodding knowingly toward the Mercedes. With Max momentarily removed, Defensive Coordinator Jeremy Pruitt concentrates his life-bitterness onto Repete, screaming out that he is non-athletic, will get his scholarship pulled, and something else I rewound three times and still can not understand. Repete leaves the field in shame and is summoned into Coach Propst’s office. Uh oh. This is where Coach Propst keeps his red hot poker.

Coach Propst very calmly begins listing Repete’s recent mistakes, which are actually not athletic mistakes, but behavioral mistakes. We find out that besides making obnoxious comments to girls on the sidelines, Repete also ventured out onto the field last week following a Hoover victory and said to a player from Hillcrest, “How’d you like getting your ass kicked?” instead of the customary “Good game.” That’s actually pretty funny. I mean, no. No it is not. That is very inappropriate and should not be tolerated. Coach Propst advises Repete that he needs to shut up (hey – Goose said that too!), and that he needs to learn humility, like Coach Propst. “I am the humblest football coach east of the daggum Mississippi. It ain’t easy findin’ humility nowadays. You are very lucky to have a humble example like me.” Okay, so he didn’t say that. But we all know he “thunk” it. None of the coaches want Repete to play on Friday. He needs to correct his “mental assignments.”

"You must emanate humility, like I do."

We now head over to the never-before-seen Binder Residence, and finally meet – here in Episode SIX – the parents of our star and narrator, Alex. For heaven sakes, we’ve even met Blair’s parents before this. Where have these two been hiding? Over dinner, the Binders ponder over the fact that any given game now could be the last game Alex ever plays as a Hoover Buccaneer, and that is just so, so weird. Next Mrs. Binder tries not to put any pressure on Alex at all by reminding him that they have no money to pay for college and he needs to get some kind of athletic scholarship. Thanks mom, for helping to ease the stress. Then they completely deflate my bubble by mentioning that Alex is counting on a baseball scholarship. What the crap is this? Baseball? No! This show is about football, and I don’t want to hear one more thing about the b-word. Traitors.

Back from commercial, we are treated to a precious scene of the cheerleaders trying to paint a new banner. Blair comes up with a delightfully motivating slogan for the school to look at all week, which is “Revenge is Sweet.” There is only one problem. No one on the squad can spell “revenge” or “sweet.” Luckily Blair knows how to spell “is,” so the middle of the banner is taken care of. Blair needs to invest in a pocket dictionary to take around in her mom purse – especially if painting banners is a permanent job for her. This is ridiculous. The only worse thing that could happen is if the girls wanted to include the word “asparagus” in their banner for some reason because no one in Hoover would know how to spell the word, know what it means, or what you are supposed to do with it. Enough of the cheerleaders.

It is time for Max’s physical therapy! I’m not sure exactly what this involves but it appears as though Max is having some electrical currents run through the muscles in his back to help relieve his pain. At last he will be able to burp in peace. He asks if he will be ready for Tuscaloosa County and the therapist answers, “No question. No question.” He then rolls up his sleeve to gaze at a diamond encrusted Rolex.

Physical Therapy just got really lucrative.

Next we join Repete, whose hairstyle of the day channels Vanessa Huxtable. Repete has decided to visit his old neighborhood. Yes, it is time to revisit his roots and remember what this is all for. Repete’s old neighbors tell him they’ve seen him on television and a sweet little old granny gives him the following brilliant advice: “Number one, be a good boy.” Aw, that’s adorable. And true. Following this visit, Repete feels like he’s ready to go back to the team and stop being too big for his britches.

And now for another motivational speech brought to you by Coach Propst. And no motivational speech would be complete without a shining Coach Propst quote moment. And here it is: “They don’t know what they’re fixin’ to get themselves into.” I presume he is referring to the Tuscaloosa County players. All those southerners – always fixin’ to do something or other. Coach Propst finishes by telling the boys that, despite what anyone says, they are the best team in the state and they just need to go and prove it.

And it’s into the locker room, where the mass overflowing of testosterone is resulting in mock fisticuffs – started by Max. Incidentally, this little joke fight was shown on our way out to the last commercial as the teaser for this segment. That’s right. MTV got us all fired up for a locker room brawl, when it is really nothing more than silly Max trying to dispense with some of his excess hormones with his homeboys. I’m fixin’ to write a complaint letter to the producers.

Wow, to top off the testosterone surge, a few of the players head over to the high class, respectable establishment that goes by the name of Hooters. Alex and company drool ever-so-discretely over their waitress, who demurely asks Alex if he has a girlfriend. You can literally see Alex wincing in physical pain as he has to admit (there are cameras present) that yes, sadly he has a girlfriend. The waitress asks if his girlfriend knows he’s at Hooters, and Alex says no. After the waitress walks away, the boys collapse into giggles like little girls and Alex practically pats himself on the back for being so sexy that a Hooters waitress, of all people, inquired as to his relationship status. It seems to escape his attention that these girls, like strippers, work for tips, which probably means that she flirts with all of her customers, and not just Alex Binder.

Back from commercial, we are treated to a Field of Dreams moment with an aerial view of the football stadium at night and miles of cars lined up to get in. Apparently if Coach Propst builds it, they will come. It looks like it’s cold because the cheerleaders are jumping around in snowsuits instead of miniskirts and you can see everyone’s breath in the air. In the locker room, Max has stopped starting pretend fights and is quietly getting his back all bandaged up so that he can burp freely throughout the game. Repete is hunched down in the hallway weeping, and he confessionals that he is very emotional because he just barely “got the green light” to play in tonight’s Big Game.

Coach Propst delivers yet another delectable pre-game motivational speech, and I think this one is worthy of capturing on the internet forever:

“I’ve never seen this group this ready. We are ready. I seen your eyes, guys. If I could take a picture and let you see it, this was what you’d wanna see in a Hoover football player. When you take it to ‘em tonight, you take it to ‘em with everything you’ve got for the whole game. All that RIDICULE you took – every bit of the ridicule you took after gettin’ your butt beat – when you’re poundin’ on their butt tonight, you think about that. You take every bit of your energy, every fiber in your bone, and you take it and you beat the PISS outta ‘em. I’m talkin’ ‘bout BEAT THE PISS outta ‘em. Let’s go whip their ass. LET’S GO!”

The boys dry their eyes and explode into hostile rage, ready to run out and beat the piss out of the first person to cross their paths. They enter their field to the cheers and screams of their adoring public and burst through a painfully misspelled banner (just kidding, I didn’t even see what it said).

It’s time for the highlights:

• Repete makes a good tackle.
• Defensive Coordinator Jeremy Pruitt tells the boys on the sidelines, “We gotta play lights out.” Is this football terminology, or just the standard eloquence of our aristocratic #2 coach?
• Steven Tate makes a lovely interception, sending Coach Propst into an epileptic seizure, which is worsened when Player #9 smashes headlong into Coach Propst’s side in frenetic glee.
• Max begins to start more fake fights on the sidelines. Apparently he is able to burp without pain.
• Little Ross runs the ball through the clump for a touchdown, making the score 7 to 0.
• Coach Propst announces that it is a good time for a “trick play,” which turns out to mean that Ross throws the ball to Cornelius, who very trickily throws it back to Ross, who runs it in for another touchdown. I was tricked, and so was Tuscaloosa County. Were you? 14 to 0.
• Alex makes a tackle. Hey, this is the first time I’ve ever mentioned Alex in the highlights. Where has he been all season?
• Hoover makes another interception.
• Max is on the sidelines and he must have burped because he is complaining again that his back hurts. Ever the sympathetic, health-conscious coach, Defensive Coordinator Jeremy Pruitt tells Max, “Well you just gotta suck it up,” with a very disgusted look on his face.
• Max makes a tackle and then warns the other team, “I’m comin’ harder next time.” I’ll dispense with the double entendre and refer to Max’s earlier statement of his regard for Tuscaloosa County: “I just hate them.” Yes, we see that.
• Next Ross avoids Tuscaloosa County’s blitz and throws the ball to a wide open Cornelius, who makes yet another touchdown. 28 to 0 as we go to halftime.
• In the third quarter, Repete’s dad, who goes by Pete, (how cute) leads the crowd in chanting “Over-rated!” And I’m thinking that they’re more like “Over-protected!” Yay Britney Spears.
• Ross and Cornelius make another touchdown. Is this about over? Yes it’s the fourth quarter and the score is 42 to 0.
• Now Pete is leading the crowd in

♫ “Na na na na,
na na na na,
hey hey hey,
good-bye!” ♫

• The clock runs out, but apparently Tuscaloosa did something because the final score is 42 to 8.

Hooray! The Buccaneers got their “Sweat Revendge!” Uh oh. Repete’s dad has run down to the field, and, as Repete confessionals, smells like alcohol. He’s jumping around with the game ball behind Repete as Repete is being interviewed for the news. Poor Repete is a bit embarrassed and slinks off into the locker room.

The Bucs are back!

What did you think? Did the Hooters waitress want a date with Alex or a big tip? Will the cheerleaders take first in the state spelling bee? (I LOVE it when you guys comment!)

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