Toil and Trouble in The Hills

The Birthday Princess Witch

Okay, “The Hills” is really taking a downhill turn. Why, why, why is MTV dumbing it down so much? No dumbing-down needed! Look at the cast! This crap editing and storylining is forcing me to put all of my hopes in “Two-A-Days,” which is dangerously teetering on the beginning of a second season of its own.

Alright, let’s get this over with. Heidi and Lauren begin by going shopping for Heidi’s birthday – another big surprise. She’s looking for a fun party dress to wear to her celebration. Lauren goes down the guest list. “Did you invite Whitney? Did you invite Audrina?” Yes the Conversation Driver was invited, but no, Audrina was not. Heidi explains, “We’re not friends, so I’m not gonna invite someone who’s not my friend.” She then explains that she doesn’t dislike Audrina, so she wouldn’t care if she were there, but she doesn’t like her, so she’s not going to invite her. We’ve already spent way too much time on this. Next the discussion moves to the fact that Heidi will be wearing a crown for her birthday. She really is a princess on her birthday, despite what anybody thinks. Well excuse me. And Heidi should note that I’ve been giving her crowns to wear since way back.

Now it’s the opening credits, and I keep noticing that there are several shots in the montage of Audrina and Heidi hanging out like they’re friends. I guess that’s why we have to keep following their idiotic fight. Not to mention that Audrina is a featured character in the opening credits as well, so we can’t just brush her under a rug.

Oh gag, we now join Brody Jenner waiting at an outdoor table for Lauren to join him and have lunch. This is so reminiscent of Jason last season. I wonder if Lauren will tell another story about going fishing with her dad. This kid is such a dud. The minute he says something remotely interesting I’m going to call CNN. Well, at least MTV News. Don’t worry, there’s no chance of that happening anytime soon. Brody’s big news is that he got a haircut. See what I mean? Then he starts asking Lauren about her love life, and whether she’s still in touch with Jason. She isn’t. Lauren asks Brody if he went straight from Kristin (Cavallari) to Nicole (Richie). This is too much for Brody and he is very confused. He can’t possibly be expected to remember the girls he’s dated in the last six months in any sort of sequential order. He has no idea whom he dated or when. I’d find out on-line, but honestly, I just don’t care at all.

"Um, I don't remember what color my hair is."

Lauren wonders why Brody hasn’t taken some time for himself between girlfriends to just be single. Is she kidding? He’d be left with no one but himself, and we can all see how NOT fun he is to be around. Brody explains that it’s too hard to stay single when he meets someone really special. Wow. It was too hard to stay single after dating Kristin Cavallari once he met Nicole Richie! She was so special that he just had to dive into another relationship. Lauren counters that sometimes it is good to just be friends for a while. Brody doesn’t understand at all. “But it’s hard. It’s hard to say that if you really care about somebody, you know? It’s hard for me.” This is so bizarre. It’s like he has an idea about a “real conversation” and now he is trying to conjure it for Lauren. The words are there, but they mean nothing. He’s honestly trying to convince us that he “really cares about” Lauren? Or that she’s so special he just can’t stay away? He doesn’t even know her! It’s like this is how he thinks real people talk. Lauren is buying every word of it. Apparently she thinks this is how real people talk, too.

"It's so nice to have a meaningful
conversation for a change."

Just when these two idiots have the “real conversation” just about mastered, Brody busts out with, “I’m still looking for someone to cuddle with.” Lauren swoons. And there go the attempts at a “real conversation.” All done!

Over at Epic Records, Audrina has decided to take another break from picking up the phone to go and talk to coworker Chiara, who we learn is an intern. I have to pause and note that Audrina wears a lot of makeup to work. It’s the same amount she would wear out to a club.

"Do you think I have on enough eyeliner?"

Whatever. Okay, so Audrina once again clarifies to Chiara and her entire television audience that there is nothing going on between her and Spencer. Yes, I remember you hanging up on him last week, which was actually the coolest thing you’ve ever done on this show, Audrina. Anway, tonight is Heidi’s birthday, and Audrina wants to go and just say “hey.” What will Chiara’s advice be? Let’s find out. Chiara says Audrina should go. Good, got that cleared up. Audrina reiterates that Spencer is a pig and that Heidi is getting played, but this is the last time she’s going to try and patch things up. Did you hear that Heidi? It’s your last chance!

Next Heidi and Lauren are heading for the salon and Heidi is wearing nothing but a large button-down shirt with a belt around her waist. Oh, and her crown. I’m serious.

Does someone think she’s Carrie Bradshaw? That outfit didn’t work for her, either, and she only wore it because she fell into a pond in Central Park trying to avoid kissing Mr. Big, and then they had to go and shower at his apartment and this was all he had for her to wear home. Wrong answer, Heidi!

The girls settle in for their hairdos and toast each other on being fabulous and “lots of other stuff.” There we go again, serving alcohol to minors at the beauty salon. Crazy Los Angeles. Heidi informs her stylist that she will be looking very Audrey Hepburn and wearing a black tutu for her party. Now this I gotta see. Someone really does think she’s Carrie Bradshaw. Lauren informs Heidi that Whitney is too tired to come to the party tonight. Ah, that helps to explain why this episode sucks so bad – no Conversation Driver. All we have is babbling without our precious Whitney. I wonder what would happen to Brody Jenner if Whitney tried to drive a conversation with him. He may spontaneously go into a coma. Then the subject turns back to Audrina and Heidi makes another of her brilliant statements: “She can come, but she can’t come to my party.” So what, exactly, can she come to, Heidi? Please stop talking. Lauren has crow’s feet. Ha! She’s only 20.

"I only wash my face with Evian."

Back from commercial, we head straight to Les Deux Nightclub for Princess Heidi’s royal coronation. As promised, Heidi is tearing around in a black tutu looking nothing like Audrey Hepburn or Carrie Bradshaw. She looks pretty ridiculous, and nearly naked from behind. How classy – truly.

Carrie, in her own tutu, does not approve.

Lauren brings out a birthday cake with Heidi’s baby picture spray frosted over the top. Heidi cheers mightily for herself and her baby picture, screaming, “I’m so cute! Nobody can eat me I’m so cute!” Can someone please find some duct tape?

Spencer is fluttering around and he decides to have a little talk with Brody about moving things along with Lauren. “Lauren is so your style.” Thank you, Spencer for that profound exploration into human compatibility. Brody chews on his straw and protests because you see, he just got out of a relationship. What? I thought “just getting out of a relationship” didn’t matter when you meet someone really special. Eat your straw, Brody.

Across the room, Heidi is doing her part to nudge the Lauren/Brody connection into a higher gear. She points out that 1) Brody is a great guy. 2) He makes Lauren smile. 3) She is comfortable with him. I’d like to know what makes Brody Jenner a great guy because so far he only seems like a special needs child. Reminder: Jason also made Lauren smile and she was comfortable with him, too. Let’s bring it up a notch, “ladies.” Lauren just giggles and protests. Can something please happen?

Ah, here we go. Audrina is approaching the club entrance and we all know from the previews that she will leave the club in tears, so here comes some drama! Heidi spies Audrina from her perch up on the balcony and says, “Shut up. It’s Audrina.” Lauren goes into helpful mode, announcing, “I’m gone!” and running away. Heidi copies Lauren, screaming, “I’m gone! We’re gone!” and runs after her. Way to play it cool, girls. Never let it be said that you didn’t handle the situation gracefully. Audrina is actually the only one who has maintained any sense of dignity throughout this whole affair. She always goes with the flow. Of course, that may just be because she lacks the brain power to do anything else, but let’s face it: she comes off looking better. When Heidi finally deigns to walk past Audrina, Audrina grabs her and wishes her a happy birthday. Heidi mumbles, “thank you,” and stands stiffly while Audrina gives her a birthday hug. Audrina asks Heidi if she’s mad at her. Heidi pauses for a minute, then says “no” in that snippy way that snotty girls have of saying “no,” but meaning, “burn in hell, bitch.” Audrina tries to pursue a discussion of what’s been going on, but Heidi quickly puts her in her place, announcing that it is her birthday and she’s not going to talk about it right now. She then screams, “Oh snap!” in Audrina’s face and twirls away to dance by herself. What a nice young lady.

Elsewhere, Jen (the other girl who can’t tell time) has decided that it’s time to insert herself right into the middle of the drama. After all, shouldn’t she get a little camera time too? Actually, no she shouldn’t, but she goes for it anyway. Lauren surprisingly does the right thing and tells Jen that Audrina isn’t being mean and nothing needs to be done, but Jen is having none of it! She marches up to Audrina and announces that Audrina is random, knows nothing about the situation, and that Jen is just trying to protect Heidi. Audrina says that she just came over to wish Heidi a happy birthday and be nice, but now she’ll go back downstairs with her friends. Jen agrees that would be the “best idea.” Wow, I’m sure glad Jen was there to step in and stop the violent tornado that was Audrina’s destructive behavior. In the middle of this ridiculous conversation, we flash over to Spencer and Brody, who are staring blankly at the walls, and Brody suddenly blurts out, “Celebrate life!” while patting Spencer on the arm. Um, what? Sure Brody, we’ll do that. That’s great. Any more wisdom to impart, or is it time to get back on the short bus?

Now for Audrina’s “leaving in tears” scene. I don’t blame her – Heidi is being despicable. Speaking of her royal whore, she’s standing at the window, yelling “Ha, ha, ha!” as Audrina retreats in shame. She then screams, “Oh snap!” again and does a little twirl. I can’t imagine why Heidi doesn’t have more friends. And by “friends” I don’t mean people who come to her party so they can get on TV.

The classiest girls in the world.

Later at the girls’ apartment, Jen, Heidi and Lauren trash talk Audrina and then move on to the most fascinating subject on earth – Brody Jenner. There’s still more to say about him? They go back and forth trying to determine if Lauren really likes him or only sort of likes him, and whether or not they are actually going to date. This is so interesting! They of course reach no conclusions except that Heidi declares boys to be as disposable as accessories. Funny, that’s just what I was thinking about Heidi. I wouldn’t have used as nice a comparison as an accessory, however.

Next we’re off to the Teen Vogue closet, and the return of our sorely missed Conversation Driver. Lauren and Whitney tidy up the closet, hanging up some clothes on some racks. The girls discuss manicures and Lauren announces that she needs a “me day” because apparently life in Los Angeles isn’t revolving around her whims quite enough yet and she needs time off from her hectic stress to get her nails and hair done, a facial, a massage, the works. Audrina calls, interrupting the clothes-hanging party. She wants to meet up for lunch and talk about stuff. Lauren wants Whitney to come along. Obviously this is because Lauren feels awkward about the ridiculous situation, but I, for one, am so ready for a Whitney-driven conversation. Whitney explains that since Heidi isn’t talking to Audrina, Audrina figures that Lauren is the next best thing in resolving the issue. That’s correct, Whitney! Thank you for articulating the obvious. I’ve missed you so!

"Don't worry. I'm here to clarify everything."

Lunch starts off with pointless small talk about Lauren’s dating life. We get to hear yet once again that Lauren doesn’t want a relationship for a while. We know, we know. We also know that she's going to have one anyway with Brody Jenner. Next is a huge awkward pause where Whitney shamefully ignores her duties. I’ve never been so disappointed in her.

Whitney loses her "driver's" license.

Audrina finally launches in and explains that she wasn’t at Heidi’s birthday party to ruin it, she just wanted to say happy birthday. Lauren defends Heidi a little, saying she just didn’t want to get into anything heavy at her party. Whitney finally pipes up, saying that sometimes girlfriends just grow apart. I guess so, but that’s not really what happened here. Heidi’s just being a big mean spoiled brat. Sometimes that happens, too. Thanks for NOTHING, Lauren and Whitney! Back to the closet with you!

Later, Lauren reports back to Heidi about the lunch. Since there’s nothing to report, the conversation is brief, ending with Heidi singing, “I don’t care. I have too many friends and too little time!” Has someone been taking singing lessons from Spencer? P.S., you don’t have too many friends, and you have nothing but time. It seems that now the girls are going to meet up with Spencer and Brody for another evening of intellectual stimulation.

The grand meet-up takes place at Area, where Audrina has the audacity to be hanging out – again! The mentally challenged boys (both wearing huge necklaces) greet the mentally challenged girls. Spencer sees Audrina and begs Heidi not to let Audrina come between them tonight. That’s rich. Heidi promises that she won’t. Next Spencer forces Jen to get up off the couch so that Brody can sit down next to Lauren. Jen, not wanting to be brushed aside (and off camera) makes a huge deal about getting up for Brody, yelling, “It’s cool, you know. I love standing!” Brody completely ignores her and launches into “real conversation” mode for Lauren. It reads better as a list. And let’s face it, it probably is a list – right out of the guy manual of things to say when you’re trying to get together with a girl. What Brody doesn’t understand is that it is a list of suggestions for things to slip into the conversation – not just a list to be memorized and read out loud – in list form – to the girl. Here we go:

1. You look amazing, by the way. I’m being serious.
2. You have the most beautiful eyes, honestly, I’ve ever seen. You really do.
3. I like you. I want to hang out with you.
4. Come outside.
5. Did you have fun tonight? I had an amazing time.
6. Give me a hug.
7. I’m so glad I’m with you right now, honestly.
8. I swear, there’s nowhere else I would want to be right now, than with you.
9. I’m a cheese ball? Why am I a cheese ball?
10. I really, I would not want to be anywhere else.
11. Why are you thanking me? I’m just being real with you.
12. Look at you. I love seeing you smile.
13. You have a beautiful smile.

The lines start at the club, but end in Brody’s apartment, where the two brainiacs end the episode smooching on the balcony.

These lines are things that would make me extremely uncomfortable coming from someone I just met. I mean, telling a girl she looks pretty is one thing, but having absolutely nothing else to say ever is an emergency. This list is the longest conversation they’ve ever had! There’s no where else he would rather be? Really? Here’s a tip for guys: saying that to a girl you barely know is stalker talk. Especially when you’ve never had an actual conversation. Lauren must have a huge bull’s-eye on her back for guys operating out of the guy manual because she believes everything he tells her. He reads her the list and it works. Unbelievable.

Next week Heidi has to choose whether she believes Spencer or Audrina. If this doesn’t pick up really fast, I may need to move along to better shows. It’s killing me!