Douche Spotlight in The Hills

"Stop taking my picture! That's assault!"

I am seriously reeling. Yes, last week I complained that nothing was happening on “The Hills” and I was getting pretty sick of recapping Lauren and Heidi going to Area and giggling over the two gay douchebags in their lives. So boring. Well! This week PLENTY happened. And even though plenty happened, I am still finding myself annoyed beyond reason. Let’s walk through this week’s episode and you be the judge.

We start off at the pool with Lauren and Heidi talking about… Brody Jenner. I shall quote Lauren precisely: “Part of me just wants to be like, ‘Brody we should just be friends.’” Will somebody please just kill me now? How many times has Lauren already said this? YES, we get it! You don’t know if you’re ready for another relationship yet because of the whole Jason fiasco. You think Brody is cute, but you don’t want to start anything. But then he says all these wonderful things (read: memorized) and you are torn. How many ways can I put it? How many times can you repeat it? It doesn’t even matter because it’s all crap! You’re going to date him anyway and we all know it! Now please can we stop talking about this idiot? Please? Thankfully Heidi switches topics and announces that she is meeting up with Audrina later on a “solo mish” to figure stuff out. She then gives this totally ironic speech about how it’s not high school anymore and everyone should just grow up. Oh Heidi. I thought you just had so many friends and so little time. It’s not your day to give a speech on maturity. Barf.

I don’t even have the willpower to quote the lyrics from the opening credits, but the episode is called “Who Do You Trust?” I don’t know, but I’m predicting the girls will end up trusting the wrong people. Call me crazy…

We go now to Bolthouse Productions where Mr. Bolthouse barks at Heidi to come into his office. Heidi asks permission to go home for two days for her mom’s birthday. Mr. Bolthouse could care less. I have to point out here that despite what is about to happen, I have already noticed Heidi’s outfit.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend.

It isn’t what I’d wear to work, but who knows about Bolthouse Productions. I guess I just don’t feel the need to dress like Marilyn Monroe to sit at a desk all day. Especially if I don’t have to. I’d wear a dress like that to something more special. Anyway, Production Assistant Max calls Heidi from the next cubicle to tell her that he got in trouble today over the dress code and Heidi may not be appropriately dressed for the office.

Over in the Teen Vogue closet, Lauren and Whitney rehash everything we’ve already seen, and Whitney offers no constructive additions.

Next Heidi is meeting up with Spencer for lunch. She tells him that she spoke to Mr. Bolthouse about her dress and once again, he could care less. I doubt he even raised his head. Spencer decides to take serious offense, and plans to confront Production Assistant Max the next time they are at the club and tell him his outfit is inappropriate. Oh that’s mature, Spencer. Heidi now tells Spencer about her dinner plans with Audrina and Spencer goes into overload. He starts using big hand gestures and irrational accusations of Audrina seeing how happy he and Heidi are together and trying to “snipe that out.” Again Spencer, thanks for your mature contributions. This is a conversation where a normal boyfriend would listen politely, but not have much to input. But not Spencer! He has a bit of belligerence to add to every piece of news Heidi shares. What girl finds this attractive? It’s such a turn-off. Did I mention that Spencer is clearly gay?

What happens next is so unbelievably irritating that I can barely stand to watch it for the purposes of this recap. My poor television is coming really close to suffering the irate consequences of me being a devout “Hills” viewer. So who comes strolling past Heidi and Spencer’s table but Max and Elodie from Bolthouse Productions? Spencer decides that this will be a good time to assert his prowess. He stands up, marches over to Max, and begins instructing him on how he is never to comment on how Heidi dresses, ever again. His reason for this command is that he and all of his friends like how Heidi dresses. Um, that’s so irrelevant to a workplace dress code.

"Brody says Heidi looks nice."

Max, though understandably surprised, handles the situation with grace, saying, “Okay,” and walking past Spencer, touching his shoulder as he squeezes through. Spencer, sensing his intimidation tactics failing, switches it up a notch and starts calling out to Max never to touch him again because that is assault. Assault? Oh Spencer, quit while you’re ahead. Heidi tries to lead Spencer to the car, but Max isn’t crying yet, so Spencer isn’t finished! Now he follows Max, who apparently mumbled the word “tool” as he walked away, and rightly so. In fact, “tool” is so mild compared to the descriptive words I have for Spencer. Now Spencer announces that he is going to beat Max’s ass. Oh my gosh! Okay Spencer, okay! We’ll go along with the “you like girls” story, okay? Stop – this is so ridiculous. After a few in-your-face exchanges, Max turns to walk away – again, this time crossing a street and Spencer calls out, “Walk in front of a car! Walk in front of a car!” That is his last desperate attempt to hurt Max’s feelings. Heidi, I hope you’re proud. If any guy of my acquaintance ever acted even a little bit like this, it would be the last time I associated with him. How humiliating to have your boyfriend make a huge scene in public with your coworkers! Heidi is the one who has to go back and work with these people – isn’t she a little bit ashamed? It’s not unthinkable that someone could get fired for a scene like this – it is so inappropriate. Next Spencer hugs Elodie and tells her he’s really not a jerk. Oh, okay, thanks for clearing up that scene we all just witnessed. If you hadn’t said that, I might have thought you were a jerk!

Ugh, it’s back to the Teen Vogue closet, where once again, nothing happens. Except that Whitney finds a pair of pants to “borrow” for a birthday party tonight. Yawn.

"Do I pull them on over my head?"

It’s finally time for Heidi and Audrina’s fateful dinner. Heidi launches into a lecture, telling Audrina that it was inappropriate for her to try to have a discussion at Heidi’s birthday party. Oh wow. Um, Heidi? It’s not your day to give a speech on appropriateness, either, okay? You’re done! Audrina denies any interest in Spencer or any “hook-ups” between the two of them. Heidi just rolls her eyes and says she’s tired of everyone coming up to her and telling her to watch out for Spencer. Now this is interesting. So “everyone” has been telling her to watch out for Spencer? I guess everyone must be wrong because here is Heidi’s response: “You don’t see how he looks at me. You’re not there when we’re alone. You’re not there when we’re together.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe this is the speech that battered women give when defending their choice to stay with an abusive man. I would be mortified to hear those words coming out of my mouth. You know, how a guy acts when no one is around is sometimes not as important as how he acts when the whole world is watching. How about how he acts in front of your coworkers? How about how he acts when he’s being filmed? I guess none of that matters because he looks at her a certain way when they’re alone. Very smart, Heidi, you dumbass. Audrina asks if Heidi and Spencer were together two or three Saturdays ago and Heidi has to pull out her day planner to figure it out. Do I really need to go on here? Good, because I can’t. Heidi and Audrina are friends again, and that’s the important thing.

Next Heidi downloads the contents of the Audrina dinner onto Lauren and brings up again that she is sick of “everyone in LA” coming up to her and telling her to be careful about Spencer. Lauren gets all excited and makes a speech of her own, proclaiming that all those people don’t see the way Spencer looks at Heidi. What is with this “looking at Heidi” thing? So because he winks or something he gets a free pass to degrade and humiliate everyone in his path? Pit friends against one another? Jeopardize Heidi’s job? I mean, if “everyone in LA” knows something about Spencer, mightn’t it be a good idea to be a little bit wary? These girls have the combined brain power of a baby pea. Lauren finally asks, “Who do you trust more, Audrina or Spencer?” Well, there’s the title. Heidi has no idea of course.

Later Heidi is packing for her trip home to visit her mom. I, for one, can’t believe Heidi has the guts to face her parents after everything she’s done on TV. Then I remember an interview I read once with Heidi’s mom and she was just so proud of her daughter. That explains a lot, actually. Heidi tells Lauren that if she ends up going to Area without her, she’ll have to report back on how Spencer behaves. Will it really matter how Spencer behaves? I mean, you should see how he looks at Heidi when they’re alone.

And it’s over to Brody’s condo, where Brody and Spencer are preparing for their evening out at Area. These kids really have quite the club circuit. It’s either Area or Area. The boys giggle over Spencer’s MySpace page and then Spencer announces that Heidi is out of town and as such he “has the Playmates rolling over.”

"Dude, that's amazing."

How on earth has Spencer cajoled Playmates into hanging out with him? Well, here they come, an entire passel of douchebags and douchettes and they’re all ready to par-tay. Spencer falls all over himself complimenting the easy girls. A toast is given. Guess what Brody toasts to… an amazing night! He has such a vocabulary range. Spencer guffaws and toasts to “the most beautiful human beings I’ve ever been in a room with.” He’s so charming. You should see how he looks at a girl when they’re alone.

Back at the girls’ apartment, it looks like Heidi has missed her flight – how convenient! She is in the bathroom with Jen and Lauren talking about how it’s going to be so much fun to show up at Area and surprise Spencer. Oh the buildup! I can hardly stand to wait through the next commercial break. Yeah right.

So after we watch Spencer in his necklace dancing around like a gay monkey on the couches at Area, he and one of the Playmates start discussing the fact that tomorrow she will be participating in a photo shoot involving a naked picnic. You know, Playboy is so classy. It’s not really pornography because it is very tastefully done and sophisticated. Nothing screams high-end like a naked picnic. No guy will ever beat off to that. And Spencer wants to come along! Oh how cute. The Playmates and Spencer have to banter back and forth now about whether they are going to have a naked picnic together, or run off to Vegas and get married tonight. Oh, which will it be? This is so adorable!

Aspiring Playmate Spencer discusses
themes for his next shoot.

And arriving just now at the front entrance are Heidi, Lauren and Jen. Heidi’s coworker Kristen has some very accurate news to share:

Kristen: I saw Spencer with some blonde whores.
Heidi: Who?
Kristen: I don’t know, two blonde sluts.
Heidi: Who?
Kristen: Spencer. He walked in with two blonde bimbos. (Clear yet, Heidi?)
Heidi: What blonde bimbos?

Okay, enough. Suffice it to say that Heidi is angry and ready to go in and see what the hell is going on – because Kristen’s description was a little confusing. The girls march up to the Bunny table and Lauren yells, “Spencer, surprise!” Spencer hops up and accuses Heidi of having a little plan – she’s the sneakiest girl in town. Hmm, you would think that such a special boyfriend would be A) concerned about what happened to Heidi’s travel plans, B) very excited to see his woman. Nope, neither. Heidi goes to the bathroom and Spencer demands to know why she’s being so rude.

Oh sick, Lauren and Brody have an interlude. Just for laughs, I’ll list Brody’s lines again.

Lauren: How’s your night so far?
Brody: You know, it would have been better with you, but so far it’s been amazing (can someone get Brody a thesaurus?).
Lauren: It seems we kinda crashed you guys’ night.
Brody: No you didn’t. Why do you say that? It’s like, you didn’t crash anybody’s night. If anything you just made my night.
Lauren: Aw, thanks.
Brody: You really did. It’s like, I’m serious. Look at you.

Heidi’s had enough and she’s out of here! Lauren is reluctant to leave her brain-tickling conversation with Brody, so she tries to figure out what is wrong. It seems that Heidi ran into a Playmate in the bathroom who spilled the beans. Said Playmate stands up and recounts to Lauren Spencer’s actions throughout the evening, telling Heidi that she needs to “watch the f*** out.” Yeah, but she doesn’t see how Spencer looks at her when they’re alone. Spencer, meanwhile, is lamenting to his Playmate that because they didn’t meet until tonight, everything’s been thrown upside down. This, of course, implies that had Spencer met Playmate before he met Heidi, he would be with her and not Heidi. He begins to leave with Playmate when Heidi confronts him. Spencer, true to form, denies everything and asks Heidi if she’s going to believe what she sees, or what he tells her. Heidi can’t decide right this minute, so she and Lauren leave.

"Who do you trust - your eyes or me?"

Back home on the couch, Heidi cries her eyes out while Lauren yells at Spencer on the phone. Heidi keeps kicking Lauren and yelling, “I’m over you! Just hang up – I’m over you!” Lauren delivers the quote of the week regarding why she is on Heidi’s phone instead of Heidi: “She was crying so hard I had to pick up the phone. I had to pick up the phone LIKE I HAD TO PICK UP MY BEST FRIEND AND CARRY HER UPSTAIRS!” Lauren concludes by telling Spencer he has to decide what he wants with Heidi. Whaaaaaaat???? He still gets to decide? I should have known that watching him with other girls wouldn’t be enough for Heidi. After all, they don’t know how he looks at her when they’re alone. Now Spencer gets to decide. Are you kidding me? Lauren and Heidi cuddle and Heidi apparently thinks she is on a daytime soap opera because she squints her eyes and says dreamily, “I was really falling in love with him.”

"But you don't know how he looks at me."

Who wouldn’t fall in love after that scene at lunch? Back at the club, Spencer begins herding his harem out of the club yelling, “Let’s go, Team Playmates!” What a special guy. I’m really falling in love with him, too.

I hope I (and my television set) can make it through another week.