Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Repetitive Two-A-Days on Two-A-Days

"Our girlfriends could mess you up."

Wow, this Two-A-Days recap is shamefully overdue. It’s high time we revisit our warm and fuzzy Coach Propst and see how he is going to “handle” this new crop of rowdy youngsters. After the Coach’s lax attitude of late, they must be starved for some discipline.

We start off with Brandon, a 12th grade Receiver. Brandon is this season’s version of Repete, the boy whose family transplanted to Hoover in order for their son to play on the football team last season. It seems that Brandon had something wrong with his knee and after the shameful loss against John Curtis, he agreed to knee surgery, but only on the condition that he would not miss more than one game to rehabilitate. He has been working really hard doing his physical therapy and he can’t wait to get back in the Game. Nice to meet you, Brandon!

Brandon beefs up with some step aerobics.

In the cafeteria, Mark sits around with Brandon discussing his knee and the upcoming Big Game. Soon they are joined by Brandon’s brother Byron, aka Foxy Brown.

Byron daydreams about his after-school plans.

Byron plays Defensive End, and has his own special version of the Hoover High Hairdo. I have no idea how he gets it all into a helmet. Maybe he doesn't need one. The boys discuss football, specifically Brandon getting his timing down with Ross.

Outside at practice, Brandon and Ross work on their timing. You know, Brandon likes it when Ross throws the ball high, but sometimes Ross throws the ball low. These are all things to be worked out in the grand football relationship. That’s nice. How about some storyline here? Does Brandon have a girlfriend? Will she be following him to college? Will he be cheating on her at any parties, or studying with some other girl behind her back? I guess we don’t get to find out yet because it’s on to Coach Propst’s pep talk about Vestavia and what a dirty football team they are. We are to expect the biggest crowd in Vestavia High School football history at this week’s Big Game. Vestavia and Hoover go way back and they hate each other’s guts. We must be ready for anything!

Inside the cheerleaders are painting their banners for the players to burst through at the game. They are all just as nervous as the football players because they, too, hate Vestavia. Even Sparky is feeling the jitters.

Later we are treated to a montage of possible engagement photos of Mark and Brittany before joining the happy couple at dinner with Brittany’s family. Uh oh. It looks like Brittany has a little brother who is in the early stages of the hairdo. This can’t be good.

"Can I follow you to college too, Mark?"

We learn that Brittany’s mom was a Vestavia cheerleader in high school, and she never imagined that orange and black would be her colors because the rivalry was every bit as intense back when she was “y’all’s age.” We also learn that Brittany is an identical younger version of her mom (Brit-pete?) and will probably be having this exact same conversation with her daughter in 20 years talking about how the Hoover/Vestavia rivalry just never cooled off, “so y’all cheer good tonight, honey!” Mark reminds us again that the Bucs have to be on their toes because Vestavia plays dirty. So far this episode is pretty repetitive.

During the second segment, we join our clique of children outside in the school courtyard discussing how many days remain until Spring Break. Suddenly, out of nowhere, something hurls in and hits Charlie in the mouth. It turns out that Charlie and his friend have a quaint little game, wherein they throw pencils at each other when the other is least expecting it. I love it when my friends throw sharp objects at my face – it’s so funny. Charlie is now bleeding from the mouth and the producers are nice enough to show us several times. Here it is again, in case you don’t remember.


Kristen, Charlie’s girlfriend of six months, rightfully mocks him over the pencil incident. She tells us that Charlie is a complainer.

Kristen’s last thought was a great segue way into the next scene, which is a montage of Charlie at football practice complaining about various things from the temperature to a stiff arm, and ending with him taking a leak on the edge of the practice field. So Charlie is not only a complainer, he is also extremely elegant!

Sweet! We now join Sparky in the middle of a rigorous cheerleading practice. He is scolding his “retarded dancers” for not getting their counting correct. He then takes center stage to give a speech about the importance of beating Vestavia. I am trying, but I can’t seem to find a theme in tonight’s episode. Hmm. Anyway, Sparky seems to think that frightening the cheerleaders about Vestavia will somehow help the football team to win. I guess we shall see…

"We will squash Vestavia!"

Next we are in for another treat: Couple Dinner #2. This one involves Kristen having dinner with Charlie’s family. I bet you can’t guess what they’re talking about! In case we haven’t figured it out yet, Charlie tells us, “It’s not even an option to lose to Vestavia.” Oh, okay, I get it now. Guess what else… Vestavia plays dirty. It turns out that they will kick and twist ankles under the pile. I wonder if it will be okay if Hoover loses.

At last it’s time for the Big Game. Coach Propst delivers a very calm, very deliberate motivational speech. The boys are going to prove that they are the best team in the state and the country. Um, didn’t we forfeit that “country” option last week losing to John Curtis? Apparently, beating Vestavia will begin to make up for past wrongs. They have to “play perfect” tonight and be extremely physical. The Hoover busses pull into the Vestavia parking lot, along with a police escort, where once again, crowds of youngsters are waving Confederate flags. Tisk, tisk, Vestavia Hills High School! That is seriously not a nice thing to do, considering the ethnic diversity present. Will there be some burning crosses waiting on the football field as well? Shame! And to add insult to insult, the boys are relegated to a large warehouse-type building instead of a proper locker room, with nowhere to sit down, and only porta-potties for calls of nature. The boys decide that this is part of Vestavia’s grand conspiracy to distract and taunt them. Coach Propst has to review his play book perched on a tractor.

"Step into my office, my dear boy."

Apparently, this is enough to rile him up for a pre-game speech. He reminds the team that the Rebels hate their guts, and that their pride is at stake. “SEIZE THE MOMENT! SEIZE THE MOMENT!” Whoa, this is the most emotion I’ve seen from Coach Propst since last season. No one puts Coach Propst on a tractor. “Let’s go kick their ass!”

Time for highlights:

  • We learn that Vestavia is undefeated, unlike Hoover. This information adds some tension to an already-tense atmosphere. According to the announcer, it doesn’t get any bigger than this.
  • The Vestavia cheerleaders have uniforms that look like bed sheets with eye holes. Just kidding, y’all!
  • Apparently the Vestavia players are illegally “cutting” the Hoover defensive players’ knees. I don’t know what this means, but Coach Propst is screaming about it to a referee, who does nothing.
  • Vestavia gets a first down, and Coach Propst starts screaming to someone about more illegal activity. That someone screams back that Coach Propst has lost his mind. And that someone is… Defensive Coordinator Jeremy Pruitt! Hooray! He is still around and not living in Max’s dorm room! Maybe he'll return to practice.
  • Uh oh, Vestavia gets a touchdown. Coach Propst screams at a referee, who once again does nothing.
  • In the stands, Charlie’s dad tells fellow Hoover fans that the Vestavia people have put manure under the visitors’ seats. He then delivers a tasty quote: “I knew they had no class, but I didn’t realize how much no class.” What, the Confederate flags weren’t enough of a clue of "how much no class?"
  • Wow, the Bucs make a really long run ending in a touchdown. The score is now tied up at 7 to 7.
  • DeJohn makes a bunch of tackles and begins cussing former-Coach-Propst-style.
  • The Bucs get another touchdown!
  • But what’s this? Vestavia immediately makes a touchdown of their own. Not good. They apparently did something else, too, because at halftime Vestavia is leading 17 to 14.

In his halftime speech, Coach Propst just tells the boys that they are going to go and have a good time. Nuts to that. Go back to your tractor, Coach Propst.

  • Vestavia makes another touchdown, bringing the score to 24 to 14. I blame Sparky and the cheerleaders.
  • The Bucs get a touchdown, narrowing the gap!
  • A Vestavia player fumbles, and Hoover recovers the ball. This is making me so nervous!
  • Ross throws a long pass to #11 in the final seconds of the game. #11 catches the ball and runs it into the end zone. Hey, why don’t we ever hear from #11? He is one of the best players out there. I’m always mentioning him in the highlights.

Hoover wins 28 to 24 and the players come skipping out onto the field. DeJohn hoists the Buccaneers’ flag, which is far less inflammatory than the Confederate flags we saw earlier. Nice job boys!

It looks like next week we may get some relationship drama. Finally!

What is up with Vestavia Hills???

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