Thud! In The Hills

So composed... all the time.

Okay, so we meet up with our heroine and her Conversation Driver back in L-Squared’s office where another something big is about to go down – the Oscars. As such, Vogue is sending its #1 missing editor (editor-at-large) Andre Leon Talley to Los Angeles to host a segment on Good Morning America featuring Oscar dresses. Yawn. This little “piece” has been done every year on so many shows. Yes, I’ve seen Gwyneth Paltrow’s weird pink dress and Hilary Swank’s weird backward dress SO many times. I would only be interested if someone would show up in Vivien Leigh’s dress from the 1940 Oscars because that one is bomb, and no one ever thinks to go back that far. Boo. Anyway, the girls are slated to assist with the “big show” and it’s such a big deal that even Emily the New York intern is flying in to help. Aren’t there enough retards in LA to handle this one? Certainly it isn’t necessary to fly Emily in to hand people shoes. But flying in she is! And she will be modeling a dress because there are also no girls in LA willing to model. Uh hem. Now Whitney requests a moment alone with L-Squared so Lauren flees the scene – literally, she gallops out of there. It turns out that Whitney is about to graduate from college (she’s older?) and she wants to know what possibilities await her in the fabulous fashion world – besides being an unpaid intern, that is. L-Squared lets it be known that there is a job opening up for a “fashion contributor.” How insanely convenient! BUT there are other interns with similar qualifications who will also be applying. I bet one of them has a name that starts with E and rhymes with “semily.”

“Everybody Falls” in this episode, as we all saw on Good Morning America a few weeks ago. Apparently MTV decided to embrace, not ignore Whitney’s highly public blunder.

And we’re right back at Teen Vogue – now in the intern closet, and Whitney is wearing wallpaper.

"Yeah, my mom's redoing the bathroom,
so there was all this extra wallpaper..."

I’m not sure what is up with these girls and their fashion choices recently, but what do I know? I’m not a Teen Vogue intern applying to be a Teen Vogue Fashion Contributor. She gives Lauren the 411 on the job prospect and Lauren says that they’ll have to make Whitney look good. Aw, that’s nice.

You’ve got to be kidding me, we’re heading over to Don Antonio’s now, where Spencer is pumping his arm in a cheering motion for his arriving fajitas. Maybe he’ll make a toast to them. It’s time to recap Lauren’s birthday. Heidi says she had fun and Spencer says it’s ironic that he ended up giving Lauren’s birthday toast. Yes it is, but we have to remember who assigned him that task – it was our favorite brainiac Brody Jenner. That is what happens when decisions are turned over to Brody. Spencer then proclaims that Heidi thought the toast was nice, but it was actually intended to be mean. Well, for what it’s worth, I didn’t think it was nice, and neither did Lauren, according to her thoughts at lunch with Brody. But unlike Spencer, I didn’t see it as an insult cleverly cloaked in compliments; it was just inappropriate and awkward. Heidi shifts gears and tells Spencer that if she were to think about moving in with him (didn’t she already tell Lauren she said no?) that there could be no more “Playmate incidents” or anything like that. Spencer’s response? “How much I love you now compared to where we were at then is from earth to the moon, so I think moving in would be brilliant.” Stupidity of the clichés aside, how long has it possibly been since the Playmate incident? Three weeks? Four? Come on. Only a little longer than it took for astronauts to actually travel from earth to the moon, and that is not long enough to have proven a complete change in behavior. Unless you’re only trying to prove it to Heidi Montag. Spencer asks Heidi in disbelief if she doesn’t trust him. Because he totally trusts her. Yeah, no kidding, idiot. She’s not the one constantly cavorting with people other than you. Like the Playmate incident? That was you, Spencer, not Heidi. You saying you trust her is no incentive for her to trust you, dumbass.

"But I trust you, you stupid whore."

Oh great, now we’re at the Good Morning America fitting and I see the same old, same old. Julia Roberts’ Oscar dress, Gwyneth Paltrow’s Oscar dress, Hilary Swank’s Oscar dress, how very original of Vogue. “Super Emily,” as Lauren calls her, struts in late and deigns to greet the lowly LA interns. Mean Lawren Howell is there, too, bossing everyone around, ordering the girls once again to “eliminate chaos.” Are you listening, Lauren? Everything must appear perfect to Andre. Ugh, this is another thing I hate about the entertainment industry – putting on a “serene show” when a senior person comes around. What’s the big deal? They’re at a fashion fitting. Surely Andre has been to one or two of these and is familiar with the typical atmosphere. But no! We must all be very silent and serene and not let him know that any stress or work took place here. He should think it all magically put itself together just for him. Emily adds to the kiss-ass aura, saying “It’s so exciting. I mean it’s like such a huge thing to be working on.”

"Seriously. You need to realize how
important I am. Even with my lazy eye."

Okay, okay we get it. We are in the presence of greatness and should all bow down. There are Oscar gowns present! And Andre is coming! In fact here he is, and dressed very formally for “such a huge thing” I must say. Which is to say that he is dressed like a bum. Or a spectator at an outdoor winter football game. You be the judge.

"As you were, ladies."

How glamorous. I’m certainly glad the girls eliminated all the chaos for his majesty so his feathers wouldn’t be ruffled. On with the fitting! Lauren hands L-Squared shoes while Whitney snaps Polaroids. Andre makes a huge deal over Lauren when she takes some shoes out of a plastic bag, pointing out that the “little intern” is asserting herself and that is how you get ahead in life. Everyone laughs. Um, condescending much? Lauren squats on the ground to put the shoes on a model’s golden feet. No chaos! When Whitney suggests a particular shoe, Andre notices her and starts asking her very loudly if she is a model. “Aw, shucks, no. I’m just a lowly intern,” or something like that is Whitney’s response. Lauren points out that she did walk in a Teen Vogue show once. Yes, I remember that episode. I really liked Whitney’s makeup. Andre tells Whitney she should be a model and asks her to try something on. L-Squared suggests the white Faye Dunaway dress, but Andre shushes her and orders the Sophia Loren dress. Ha! L-Squared will always be known as the girl who suggested the white Faye Dunaway dress. Andre changes his mind and orders Lauren to bring Whitney the Hilary Swank dress. He then starts talking about how Whitney has that “television face.” Yes in fact, that’s why she’s on television Andre, or didn’t you notice the MTV cameras following her around? No chaos! Here we have a very well-timed Emily sigh. She does not like another intern in the spotlight. She knows what dahlias are. Andre sees Whitney in the backward blue dress and proclaims that she is going on the show. Emily craps herself. L-Squared says, “Good Morning America, Whitney.” Thank you, Captain Obvious. (And thank you, Noix de Coco.)

Next we visit Brody’s condo, where Spencer and Heidi are inexplicably hanging out without Brody. And that wouldn’t be so weird except that it’s morning and Heidi is getting ready for work and can’t find her shoes. So what, they slept there? Okay, whatever, who am I to question these things? It looks like Spencer is checking his MySpace, so he can’t be bothered with silly things like Heidi missing her shoes – especially because if she would just submit and move in with him, her shoes wouldn’t be lost, they’d be right there in the closet. Spencer waves Heidi off and tells her they will talk later. When a still-shoeless Heidi demands to know what he means by that, Spencer launches once again into his whine-fest about Heidi moving in. You see, he’s done the whole “single-Hollywood-thing” and he’s ready to get serious. If Heidi’s not ready, then she can take off. Heidi questions whether her being serious equals moving in and taking it to the next level. Spencer claims that it’s not about taking it to the next level, but that Heidi’s living with Lauren is ruining their relationship (this again?) and that moving in together will solve everything. He hates Lauren so bad that he would rather Heidi lived alone. Heidi sarcastically suggests that Spencer just decide her living arrangements and let her know later, to which Spencer very seriously responds that he’s already decided her living arrangements. And if Heidi isn’t going to play ball, she should tell him so he can get out.

"I mean it. You're on shaky ground, ho."

Heidi stammers around a little bit. “It’s like, it’s not fair, it’s like, if I don’t…” Yeah, I think the word you’re looking for, Heidi, is ultimatum, and I can’t resist here quoting the Random House Unabridged Dictionary definition of that word, as found on dictionary.com:

A final, uncompromising demand or set of terms issued by a party to a dispute, the rejection of which may lead to a severance of relations or to the use of force.

I’m glad Heidi isn’t caving easily, but I’m also furious at her for not pointing out his tactics. What’s also interesting is this: isn’t it usually the needy female putting ultimatums to the male? We get engaged by Christmas or we break up. We move in together in the next month or it’s over. I thought guys avoided any semblance of commitment at all costs. But here is Spencer, once again the poster-boy for the abusive boyfriend, ordering Heidi to fall in or get lost. Here’s another thing: Why would Spencer want to live with a hostage? That’s my dream – bullying someone into being with me. But of course, I keep thinking in normal-people-terms and forgetting that Spencer’s ultimatum has serious ulterior motives. I can’t believe Heidi is still entertaining this. Wait, yes I can.

Over to the Good Morning America shoot, where Whitney and Emily are in hair and makeup and Lauren is in the lowly-intern section looking on. It looks like only four models will be showcasing Oscar dresses after all the fuss at the fitting. And the first one looks like a concentration camp victim, for reals.

Freaky...

Anyway, we’ve all seen this – if you haven’t seen it, click here – and what happens is that the girls just have to walk down some stairs and then stand there while Andre points out the special features on each dress. Easy enough, right? Well, just as they reach the last stair, there is the sound of a muffled thud – or the sound a model makes when falling down carpeted stairs, and Whitney disappears from the picture. That’s right – Whitney falls right on her butt on live television. Horror.

The thud heard round the world.

She pops right back up and poses nicely while Andre shows her bare back – see Hilary Swank thought she would be chilly, so she wore a long sleeved dress… with no back. Poor Whitney is mortified, but she manages to hold it together for the cameras.

"In through the nose, out through the mouth..."

Then Emily is just a little too happy about the fact that she’s not the one who fell.

"Oh, that's a shame. Hee hee."

As soon as the cameras stop, Andre is very nice to Whitney, telling her it’s fine and a great way to begin her career. So funny that when you’re just an intern, the slightest mistake means that your entire livelihood is in jeopardy, but when you’re a model the mistakes you make are cute. Whitney scurries away and Lauren runs after her to comfort her, which actually prompts the tears to really come (ladies, we know this feeling), and even Emily says something sort of not-mean to try to make her feel better. There’s really no getting around what happened – it sucks. And it was live on Good Morning America. Now if it had been Heidi who fell, it would have been the funniest thing ever, but since Whitney is actually not evil, I do feel bad that she’s embarrassed. What can you do? On the upside, her hair looks awesome.

How is this done?

Back from commercial, L-Squared has Whitney in her office to discuss the shoot. She tells Whitney not to worry, she did a great job and it was really impressive. Okay, I do have Whitney’s (bare) back on this one, but it wasn’t impressive. There’s nothing impressive about a model falling. Amusing and entertaining – yes, especially when it’s Naomi Campbell, but impressive – no. L-Squared then says it was endearing, which is more accurate. Speaking of the evil supermodel, Amy Astley has sent Whitney a note saying that even Naomi Campbell fell on the runway, so she’s in great company. That actually is really nice. Even Anna Wintour called to say what a fantastic job Whitney did. Alright already, we get it. Falling on TV when you’re a model is adorable. I have to point out, however, that no one sent Lauren a note when she arrived late to a set-up last season to say that even supermodels arrive late, so she’s in good company. See what I mean? Next L-Squared tells Whitney that it would be a really good idea for her to fly to New York and meet with Amy Astley about the Fashion Contributor job. They really want to keep Whitney in the family. Wow, Whitney should fall on her butt more often.

And it’s lunchtime with Audrina, where Whitney drives the entire conversation, regaling Audrina with her tumbling tale. Once the girls have sufficiently comforted her again, Whitney explains to Audrina about the Fashion Contributor job. It’s still fuzzy what this job actually is, except to say that Whitney would be the head of all the interns. Lauren jerks up at this news.

"What? My boss?"

Apparently she didn’t realize that this was a facet of Whitney’s prospective job, and apparently she still plans on being an intern next year. While it’s clear that Lauren finds this potentially awkward, she declares that she would much rather report to Whitney than Emily. In fact, if she had to report to Emily she would quit. Well, drastic times, you know…

Last stop for this episode is Bolthouse Productions, where Heidi is busy reading Blender and answering her cell phone. Spencer is calling from the back alley. Oh no, another back alley scene? This is the site of the notorious pregnancy test-off. Heidi gets right up and trots outside – her job is so demanding. Spencer is pouting in the car. Great, here we go again with the hostage crisis. Spencer wants to go to the next level. Heidi says it’s not about going to the next level. Funny, they each said the exact opposite thing in their last conversation. Seriously. Scroll back up and see for yourself.

"No, I said that. No I didn't. Whatever, I'm right."

Anyway, Heidi is getting pretty adamant about just not being ready for all this right now and Spencer is remaining pretty adamant about forcing Heidi to comply. It’s the same argument as before except that this time they’re yelling. I have to marvel again at just how undesirable Spencer is as a boyfriend. This is like my worst nightmare. Heidi finally puts an end to the fight saying, “All right, well, my answer is no.” Spencer responds very maturely and lovingly saying, “Sweet, my answer is get out of my car.” Oh, in that case, I’d love to move in with you! Heidi jumps out and slams the door, then does her little hip-swiveling walk in fast motion back toward the building while Spencer squeals away. Lovely. Heidi is such a lucky girl!

Next week: Heidi moves in with Spencer. I give up.

What do you think about all this?