All Talk and No Action in Newport Harbor

And sometimes not even talk.

So what’s new this week down in Newport Harbor? Do you think that like, Chrissy still likes Clay? Do you think that Clay still likes Chrissy? How about Chase, is he still flirting with everyone and trying to prove that he is the biggest playa in the history of Orange County? And Mayor Grant, is he still the life of every party? Will Allie ever call Fatty out on kissing Chase right in front of her? OMG so many questions to squeeze into one little half hour episode. Join me to watch the drama unfold in this, our third episode of Newport Harbor.

We catch up with Chase and Taylor, participating in their only activity as a couple – sitting at the beach talking about being a couple – and Chase decides that he is tired of all of this “checking in” he’s having to do with Taylor. I guess the producers keep sending these two to the beach to talk about stuff and Chase would rather just get on with scamming on all the other girls. He says that he’s totally overwhelmed with the whole girlfriend thing and he just wants to chill out for a little bit. This is h ilarious – as if having a girlfriend has stopped him from doing anything. Nevertheless, he’s sick of having the nagging thought of Taylor in his mind, so they’re going to take some time, have their fun, then see what’s up. Taylor just sits there going along with everything. She is so lucky!

You’ve got to be kidding me, this episode is called “The Thrill of the Chase.” Yeah, I’ve never been more thrilled by any teenage boy.

Elsewhere in Newport Harbor, Clay and Mayor Grant are driving along in Clay’s SUV pretending to be a part of the American mainstream youth by singing along to Rick Ross’ “Hustlin.” Sorry boys, no one’s buying. We know you grew up wearing Armani diapers.

Designer youth

Clay decides to play a really fun game called “Describe Your Ideal Girl,” and the Mayor shows us his softer side. He’s looking for a warm, bright girl who will listen to his innermost thoughts and stick by him through the tough times life might bring. Oh wait, no. This is an adolescent boy we’re talking to, so let me guess: he wants a girl with big boobs and a nice butt. Mayor Grant, what’s that you say? She has to be blonde, petite, and have a good booty? Oh, and she has to be able to shake it – that’s vital. And they spend the better part of a minute describing just how big the booty can be. This is riveting. Do you want to know the saddest part about this? It’s the same description Scott Baio gave when explaining to his therapist his ideal woman. And he’s 45… and single. That’s your future boys, doesn’t it look awesome? Anyway, Clay brilliantly points out that Mayor Grant has inadvertently described Taylor! No way! And guess what – she’s single right now. This is a perfect opportunity to not only seize his ideal girl, but also stick it to his rival, Chase. The plot thickens.

It looks like the producers are trying to think of more interesting ways to film the children having their loosely scripted conversations, so they’ve sent Chrissy and Sasha out on a couple of beach cruisers to ride around and discuss stuff. They pass a couple of unknown local boys who must be poor because they are legitimately washing their own car in the street. Like, there are actual suds involved. This isn’t like Clay who just stood there cluelessly spraying down his car with water for 45 minutes; they’re really scrubbing and cleaning. The boys are all cute and friendly and ask Chrissy and Sasha what they’re doing later, and I’m hoping to see them again and maybe bring some variety into this boy pool. The ones we’ve been stuck with are pretty boring so far.

"Ew. Don't they have foreigners to do that for them?"

Chrissy and Sasha pedal on and launch into their one and only topic of conversation: What is up with Clay? This is pretty much a replica of what they said to each other at Haute Cakes Café the morning after Pretty in Pink. You know, what could he be thinking? He’s probably distracted with other girls, you should consider making him jealous with other guys, etc. This of course brings us right back to Chase. It seems he was at Chrissy’s house earlier today. Why can’t they turn around and invite the car washing boys to have lunch or something? Chase? Ew, he’s such whiny little phony. Sasha warns Chrissy that Chase is a terrible flirt and Chrissy insists that it’s not like that with her because she and Chase are just friends. Yeah, I’m sure he’s really interested in helping you fill out your college applications, Chrissy, come on.

In other news, Mayor Grant has decided to pull out the big guns and invite Taylor out to dinner. He catches her on the phone while she’s shopping, which I’m sure is easy to do since it’s probably how she spends 95% of her waking hours. She sounds totally non-excited about dinner, but says yes anyway.

And since the Mayor is busy on the phone trying to score a date, Clay is at the Fun Zone with his friend Austin, whom we met briefly at the Pretty in Pink party. Austin is the male version of Fatty. You know, the not-as-attractive sidekick who has been excluded from the main cast due to looks, but still appears a lot to give advice to the pretty kids. He hasn’t really offended me yet, so I don’t have a mean nickname for him, but he does twitch a lot. Maybe Tweak? OMG he looks just like Tweak! Perfect.

So the producers are standing behind Tweak with a sharp stick, prodding him to ask Clay about the Chrissy situation. Clay just whines about Chrissy’s overprotective Daddy and how he’s always in the way of Clay’s progress. Tweak’s back is starting to hurt from the producers poking him so much, so he finally says, “You know you could seal the deal if you wanted to.” He also adds that Chrissy has a cute smile and Clay could laugh with her. Keep in mind that Clay is fresh off of his booty convo with the Mayor so he’s like, “Laugh with her?” Ah, Tweak is such a sissy. Doesn’t he know that it’s not about being able to spend time with a girl; it’s about making all the other guys jealous because you’re getting a nice little piece of booty? Laugh with her, indeed! That’s enough from you, Tweak.

Let’s see what happens on Taylor’s date with Mayor Grant, shall we? I have to start by noting that Taylor has brought along actual luggage. I guess her dad’s credit cards won’t all fit into a normal sized purse. Grant stares at her boobs and tells her she’s pretty.

"You have a great set of... hands."

As they sit down to eat they discuss their views on the Middle Eastern conflict. Ha! What they really discuss is that Taylor’s top is blue and Mayor Grant almost wore a blue shirt, too, and that would have been like, so embarrassing!

Right about now Chase is driving along in his car and decides he would like to revisit that old annoying habit of “checking in” with Taylor. Remember that horrid task that he was so eager to be free of? Well, of course we all know what he really meant is that he wants to be able to hook up right and left without Taylor being upset, but that certainly doesn’t mean that she should be allowed to spend time with any other guys. He calls Taylor’s phone, which goes straight to voicemail. This is what we call The Backfire, Chase. Enjoy it.

"That ho's in big trouble now."

Meanwhile Mayor Grant is slyly suggesting that he and Taylor should head over to her place and go in the hot tub. Sounds innocent enough. They head out in a tiny little boat to go back to Taylor’s neighborhood and Grant starts playing tickle chase while Taylor giggles and Chase tries to call once again. While Taylor and Grant have hot tub time Chase makes the executive decision to head over to Chrissy’s house and see if he can teach Taylor a lesson about answering her phone when he calls. Chrissy invites him in like a total idiot and they settle in to “watch a movie” and “eat popcorn.” Chase gives the place a once over and asks if Chrissy’s dad is around.

In a completely unintentional parallel scene, poor little Clay is hanging out in his room with no one to keep him company except for his dog, so he picks up his phone and tries to call Chrissy. Alas, he is met with the same telephone fate as Chase trying to call Taylor. It is a crazy mixed up evening of star-crossed lovers getting it wrong all over town.

"Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight..."

Bright and early the next morning Chase is working very hard at what looks like his job at Main Street Surf Shop. Chase has a job? That’s much more than I expected out of him, so color me surprised. In walks Fatty to try and stir things up and cause a little drama, but Chase beats her to it, announcing that he “ended up” at Chrissy’s last night. Fatty is clearly a little nonplussed because she thought she was sinking her claws into Chase, but she tries to laugh it off. Nice try, Fatty. You’re out.

"No, no, no. Use me to get back at Taylor."

Chrissy and the Mayor also meet to discuss last night’s happenings. Chrissy realizes that she has stepped into the dangerous territory of chasing Clay away for good, so she spends most of her time frantically downplaying the whole incident, saying that it was no big deal, it meant nothing, and she wasn’t expecting it at all. I’m over here wondering if something happened between Chase and Chrissy, why didn’t we see any of it? Excuse me? All we have seen this episode is different pairings of kids in various modes of transportation talking about crap. And now that something actually happens, that’s the part they either don’t film or edit out? What is going on here? This is unacceptable! Show us something, for the love of all things holy! I can only take so many brainless conversations. Anyway, Mayor Grant is ecstatic to learn that Chrissy and Chase hooked up because it means that Chase is aware or at least suspicious of Taylor’s dinner/hot tub date last night with Grant. Chrissy asks Grant not to tell Clay about her little indiscretion with Chase, so of course Grant’s next stop is Clay’s swimming pool to share the news.

"No worries, I'll never tell Clay."

Clay is in full Scott Speedman form (yes, I noticed the similarity too!) upon hearing about the hook up. He laughs, then gets all serious, then laughs again and doesn’t really say much. Mayor Grant asks how it makes him feel and Clay does a face plant into the cement beside the pool.

"The pain... the pain! Make it stop!"

Grant reminds him that this is all just a big game, but all Clay can do is chew his gum. Oh Clay, wasn’t that you dirty dancing with some brunette girl at the party last week? Another grand example of The Backfire. Keep dishing it out boys, but you’ve got to be ready to take it, too.

The producers decide that the next conversation we should witness is between Chrissy and Taylor, so they send them both shopping at a store called Etc. It’s so obviously a setup – Chrissy is awkwardly looking around while absently flipping through the racks and then Taylor walks in all expectantly.

Chrissy: Hey.
Taylor: Oh hey.
Chrissy: What are you doing?
Taylor: Nothing. Shopping.
Chrissy: Cool.

Yeah, yeah, fancy meeting you here and all of that. So what does this “random” combination of characters have to say about the switcheroo? Taylor says that like, she and Mayor Grant aren’t like a couple or anything, they just like went out to dinner and stuff because she and Chase are all broken up. Chrissy’s like yeah, OMG, that’s totally what Chase said when he like came over the other night, but it like totally didn’t mean anything and whatever because he’s all like totally a player and stuff. But Grant is having Poker Night and we are totally going to crash it and you should like for sure come with and all that. Taylor is either really stupid or really sweet – okay she’s both, because she just keeps smiling and agrees that crashing poker night will be fun. And now back to shopping… Taylor promptly destroys some merchandise.

"Evs. I've got the Black American Express today."

Poker Night it is! A whole big bunch of boys are sitting around a table playing when in parade Chrissy, Courtney and Taylor. When Clay sees Chrissy he immediately goes into moody mode, pretending not to see her or care. Mayor Grant hops right up to hug Taylor and tell her how cute she looks. Then some guy starts inexplicably playing a harmonica into a microphone – this is at Grant’s house, so I’m not sure what the concert is all about. The next sequence is just everybody staring at each other looking melancholy and confused.

Chrissy pulls Taylor into the kitchen to complain that Clay isn’t talking and Taylor says they’re just into their game. Well, maybe, but Grant isn’t so into his game that he can’t keep hugging Taylor and pulling her down into his lap. Clay eventually gets up and walks moodily outside. He is so deep. More gloomy stares from everyone.

Later on Chase summons Taylor into his car to be chastised for having dinner with Mayor Grant. Taylor says she didn’t think it would matter since they were broken up, to which Chase responds that it wouldn’t matter if it had been anyone else besides Grant. Somehow I don’t believe that at all. The only way it wouldn’t matter is if it were Chase going out on a date instead of Taylor. Chase points out that in the past Taylor cheated on him with Grant and that’s why it matters so much. Taylor goes, “How many times have you cheated on me?” and Chase honestly responds with, “Okay Taylor, we’re not trying to talk about that right now.” Oh my gosh! Taylor, get out of the car and walk away! Are you seriously going to entertain this garbage? He called it off! He wants to see other people! He’s overwhelmed having a girlfriend! And now he’s trying to censor who you’re allowed to spend time with? Buh-bye! As if this weren’t enough, next Chase says that he ended up at Chrissy’s that night because Taylor was with Grant. It’s her fault. It was the biggest backstabbing betrayal he can possibly think of. And I thought Grant reminded me of Spencer. Never mind. Chase is completely Spencer-in-the-making. Totally manipulative, lying, insulting, isolating, gross, jerkface, punk. Ew, I hate him. Taylor goes, “I think it’s karma to you ‘cause like, all the things that you’ve done to me? Are you kidding?” And Chase goes, “All right. I’m done,” and throws her out of his $100,000 Mercedes. Just like when Heidi didn’t want to move in. “My answer is get out of my car!” Eeeew.

Back at the ocean, Fatty is bursting to tell Allie about Chase and Chrissy hooking up. Allie, to her credit, stays very calm and even laughs about it, calling Chase a “slew.” I must be really old because I have no idea what that means. I’m guessing it’s along the lines of male slut, player, creep, I don’t know. Then Allie gives the line of the week, saying, “Chrissy can have Chase as long as I can have Clay.” Oh snap! She might just have a great big chance now, too.

Someone spies a window of opportunity.

And finally, Chrissy is back on the beach cruiser and this time Clay has been chased out of his house to play hoops by himself in the driveway so she can pedal by. Chrissy is wondering why they haven’t been able to talk much lately, and Clay calls her out on spending time with Chase. He’s mad that he had to hear about it from Grant and he doesn’t really know if he’ll want to hang out with her anymore. His pride has been hurt, you see. “Just leave me alone, Felicity!”

“Ben, it didn’t mean anything. I hope you still want to be my friend. I came all the way to New York City just to be near you.”

Next time on Felicity, there are many more conversations! Chrissy and Sasha talk about Clay, Clay and Grant talk about Chrissy, and just when you thought it was a rerun of this week, Allie calls Clay to hang out. I’ll bet a million dollars that happens in the very last scene.

How did you like this episode? Are you mad that we only got to hear about the action secondhand? How evil is Chase?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta