Is Rome Like, a Country? (Newport Harbor is!)
This week on
Chrissy leads us in with a little recap of the prom episode. Apparently Chrissy has started smoking crack because she claims that Allie and Chase finally got back together last week, which wasn’t the case at all. At most, they went to prom as a question mark, or a dot, dot, dot. Then Chrissy says that
So Chase brings Allie to the beach to try and deconstruct what went wrong on prom night. Chase does his usual song and dance making himself look like an innocent bystander to the chaos, but explaining that he does want to try and make things right with
"So prom wasn't my fault. I wasn't even there."
Tonight’s episode is called “The V Word.” Oh, what could it be? Valentine? Violence? Vanity? Ventriloquist? I can’t stand the suspense!
Sasha and Chrissy plop into Chrissy’s pool to float around on rafts sunbathing and discussing prom. Mayor G-Thing and Clay toss a football around on the beach and then sit down to have a discussion of their own. Maybe it’s just me, but Mayor G-Thing drives me insane. He is always going around like he’s doing everyone such a huge favor by being there (“Prom with G-Thing?”) and talking like he’s omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent to everything going down in the Harbor and regions beyond. He always talks to Clay like he’s leading him down the path of cool-dom, bestowing all of his exquisite advice on his naïve little pal. And really, Mayor G-Thing has gotten the least action out of any guy on the show. He took
"Dude, you're so lucky I'm here."
Anyway G-Thing wants to know if Clay and Chrissy hooked up on prom night and Clay pulls the “I don’t kiss-and-tell” attitude to cover for the fact that all they did was long kiss. Next G-Thing wants to know if Chrissy is a virgin. As if he isn’t. Clay giggles and says he doesn’t know. Mayor G-Thing then “accuses” Clay of also being a virgin and Clay scoffs. I’m guessing they both are. And rightly so – they’re children. Wait! Doesn't “virgin” start with a V?
Imagine the sheer coincidence to discover that Sasha and Chrissy are having the exact same conversation in the pool! Chrissy tells Sasha that while she and Clay were making out after the prom she got the idea that he probably wanted more, but that he was such a gentleman that he didn’t pressure her. Wow, that was really big of him to not pressure her into having sex with him on their third date – in high school. Chrissy is very proud of herself for making it all the way through high school while remaining a virgin. Seriously? First of all, that’s a bit alarming, but I guess I didn’t go to high school in
Back at the beach, Mayor G-Thing wants to know where this is all going, and Clay says that Chrissy is a chill girl and it’s going in a good direction. Not one to be outdone by the fact that his friend has a girlfriend and he has nothing, Mayor G-Thing tells Clay that he needs to “step it up,” and that he’ll “throw him a couple pointers” on “taking it to the next level.” Do teenage boys really use the phrase “to the next level?” I had an ex-boyfriend who made fun of me endlessly if that phrase ever crossed my lips – like real people don’t talk like that and I must have heard it on TV. Anyway, as I said, this is G-Thing once again talking a huge game with nothing to show for it. Please don’t throw any pointers, G-Thing.
Elsewhere on the beach Chase and Krutch are rehashing the scene where Krutch threw
"You know, like how Newport Beach is a state."
Girls! How did you make it through 13 years of education and not ever learn that
Uh oh, Chase is still at the beach waiting for his third appointment of the day and here comes
"Hurry up because I'm meeting with Chrissy next."
Once again, we get the “I’m Innocent” speech from Chase and Taylor correctly points out that Chase acted like he cared more about Allie in the entire prom situation. Chase whines and
What’s next? Ah, we’re back to the smartest girls at
"Hey! They're all stuck together!"
The brainiacs wonder what food is like in
Taylor and her friend Alex are sitting on
"So I'm still mad? Wait. Am I?"
Oh geez, Mayor G-Thing is doing some fancy skateboarding down the street while his boyz sit around on the curb cheering him on. Clay is here, of course, wearing his signature clueless grin and chuckling about everything. Misspelled Jasen is also here, along with Andrew – he of the pale yellow tuxedo jacket.
"Gather 'round, class. For I know nothing."
After G-Thing bites it on the skateboard, the guys decide to tag team Clay about taking things to the next level with Chrissy – again with that phrase? Mayor G-Thing says they need to talk strategy and his first tip is to pay Chrissy compliments, like saying he likes what she’s wearing. Hmm, I would consider that more of a common politeness than a sex guarantee. Any other thoughts, G-Thing? Yes in fact. The next tip is for Clay to not answer his cell phone during the date. Okay, this is a sad commentary on the state of dating affairs today. So now regular courtesy is not to be expected as a given, but rewarded with intercourse? No wonder guys feel so entitled. “I didn’t burp in your face for the last 10 minutes, aren’t you going to lift up your shirt?” Really ladies, we can do better than this.
And it’s over to Molly Brown Swimwear – cute name – where Chrissy has apparently come to the conclusion that of the 42 bikinis she owns not one of them will do for her parentless hot tub date with Clay. She and Sasha are on a mission to find a new one. Sasha wants to know if Chrissy has spilled the beans to Clay yet about being a virgin and Chrissy says that the opportunity hasn’t really come up yet. Oh, you mean during your first three dates the brave and bold Clay didn’t come out and ask if you were up for a roll in the hay? Chrissy wonders whether she should tell him and Sasha thinks yes. She also thinks that Clay will appreciate the fact that Chrissy is pure. Chrissy is not so sure and worries that guys might want a girl with experience. Next I think Sasha uses that word again from a couple of episodes back, “slew,” or “sloot,” or whatever. She says, “They don’t like slewy girls who have been with a lot of guys.” Kids today. I just can’t keep up. What with their lingo and their crazy virginity – I can’t follow.
"Pshh... you're so naïve."
Chase is on his phone once again, determined to get
Over at Allie’s house, it’s Euro Showdown 2007. Her parents innocently ask what she plans to be doing this summer and she announces that she’ll be in
"I am smart - I am!"
She yells at her dad that it’s so messed up to be hesitating after he’s already paid for the whole thing. Oh my gosh! He paid for the whole thing unknowingly! Now she’ll never speak to them again if they ruin her senior trip. When her parents weakly attempt to tell her she’s being disrespectful she snaps right back that they are the disrespectful ones and storms away. I hope that Art and Carolyn are happy with the monster they’ve created. This is what happens when you never say no to your children and let them run wild with your credit card. I guess it’s not exactly Allie’s fault that she’s like this. Europe 2007!
A giggling
"I'm so mad at you Chase."
Over dinner Chase says he was an idiot and he’s sorry.
And finally we have the Grand Hot Tub Date. Clay and Chrissy start off sitting on the floor of Clay’s bedroom (why isn’t Daddy blowing up her phone?) and looking at prom night pictures. Then climbing into the hot tub, they embark on their flirty talk, where they’re both really self-conscious and not sure what to say. It’s quite cute, but no wonder they can’t talk about sex. Clay goes, “So…” and Chrissy goes, “So…” It’s always like the first date for them. But then Chrissy gets really brave and decides to bust out the news that she’s… a virgin!
"It's true... I'm pure."
I think Clay is secretly relieved because this takes the pressure right off of him. He launches into a speech about how he and Mayor G-Thing decided that it’s sexy when girls hold off and don’t give it up all the way through high school. Chrissy says she respects herself and Clay exhales a huge sigh of relief. Now he can answer his phone if it rings. Then he asks her if it’s been hard and congratulates her on a job well done. Hmm. Apparently we are to think that Clay isn’t a virgin… but I’m not so sure.
Next week is graduation!
What did you think of tonight’s episode? The big V?
Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta
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