Thursday, September 20, 2007

Is Rome Like, a Country? (Newport Harbor is!)

This week on Newport Harbor everyone is making plans. Mayor G-Thing is planning to school Clay straight down the path to promiscuity, Chrissy is planning to go shopping for a new swimsuit, Allie and Fatty are planning to visit a continent called France, and Chase is planning to continue jerking everyone around. Taylor is planning to remember to be mad at Chase, and Sasha is planning to provide a lot of good conversation driving while Chrissy ponders on which swimsuit to buy. I’m planning to steal my parents’ credit card and put a down payment on a condo. Let’s head on down to the real Orange County!

Chrissy leads us in with a little recap of the prom episode. Apparently Chrissy has started smoking crack because she claims that Allie and Chase finally got back together last week, which wasn’t the case at all. At most, they went to prom as a question mark, or a dot, dot, dot. Then Chrissy says that Taylor plowed in and ruined their evening! Um, Chrissy? YOU invited Taylor and encouraged her to come. Bad narrator! Pull your tongue out of Clay’s throat and pay attention!

So Chase brings Allie to the beach to try and deconstruct what went wrong on prom night. Chase does his usual song and dance making himself look like an innocent bystander to the chaos, but explaining that he does want to try and make things right with Taylor. Allie says that Taylor will come around because Chase has her on a leash. Ha! Totally. She may have hung up on him last week, but I’m guessing she’ll collapse well before this episode ends. Kudos to Allie for once again behaving gracefully when she’s passed over for another girl.

"So prom wasn't my fault. I wasn't even there."

Tonight’s episode is called “The V Word.” Oh, what could it be? Valentine? Violence? Vanity? Ventriloquist? I can’t stand the suspense!

Sasha and Chrissy plop into Chrissy’s pool to float around on rafts sunbathing and discussing prom. Mayor G-Thing and Clay toss a football around on the beach and then sit down to have a discussion of their own. Maybe it’s just me, but Mayor G-Thing drives me insane. He is always going around like he’s doing everyone such a huge favor by being there (“Prom with G-Thing?”) and talking like he’s omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent to everything going down in the Harbor and regions beyond. He always talks to Clay like he’s leading him down the path of cool-dom, bestowing all of his exquisite advice on his naïve little pal. And really, Mayor G-Thing has gotten the least action out of any guy on the show. He took Taylor on a date that led nowhere and Sasha wouldn’t even look at him all during prom night. Step off, G-Thing. And cool it with your idiot surfer drawl. This isn’t “Maui Fever.” My apologies to the Mayor G-Thing fans – sort of.

"Dude, you're so lucky I'm here."

Anyway G-Thing wants to know if Clay and Chrissy hooked up on prom night and Clay pulls the “I don’t kiss-and-tell” attitude to cover for the fact that all they did was long kiss. Next G-Thing wants to know if Chrissy is a virgin. As if he isn’t. Clay giggles and says he doesn’t know. Mayor G-Thing then “accuses” Clay of also being a virgin and Clay scoffs. I’m guessing they both are. And rightly so – they’re children. Wait! Doesn't “virgin” start with a V?

Imagine the sheer coincidence to discover that Sasha and Chrissy are having the exact same conversation in the pool! Chrissy tells Sasha that while she and Clay were making out after the prom she got the idea that he probably wanted more, but that he was such a gentleman that he didn’t pressure her. Wow, that was really big of him to not pressure her into having sex with him on their third date – in high school. Chrissy is very proud of herself for making it all the way through high school while remaining a virgin. Seriously? First of all, that’s a bit alarming, but I guess I didn’t go to high school in Orange County. Secondly, I’m not a bit surprised that she made it through because she had a virtual chastity belt in the form of Daddy and his cell phone. She can’t really take all the virtuous credit. Sasha wonders aloud if Clay will “go in for the kill,” but Chrissy says that she’s going to hold her ground no matter what because she made it this far. Also, her implanted GPS device has an alarm that activates whenever she’s alone with a boy.

Back at the beach, Mayor G-Thing wants to know where this is all going, and Clay says that Chrissy is a chill girl and it’s going in a good direction. Not one to be outdone by the fact that his friend has a girlfriend and he has nothing, Mayor G-Thing tells Clay that he needs to “step it up,” and that he’ll “throw him a couple pointers” on “taking it to the next level.” Do teenage boys really use the phrase “to the next level?” I had an ex-boyfriend who made fun of me endlessly if that phrase ever crossed my lips – like real people don’t talk like that and I must have heard it on TV. Anyway, as I said, this is G-Thing once again talking a huge game with nothing to show for it. Please don’t throw any pointers, G-Thing.

Elsewhere on the beach Chase and Krutch are rehashing the scene where Krutch threw Taylor out of the after party. Krutch is a loyal minion and Chase says he made the wrong decision choosing Allie over Taylor. Boooooooring.

One final pair of prom-goers gathers to talk – and this time complain – about prom. Allie and Fatty sit on Allie’s bed saying how lame everything was and that they are really excited to go somewhere fabulous this summer. Oooh, a vacation! And to what destination will their parents be sending them in a private jet? Allie wants to go somewhere near water – not like Ireland. True, when you want to spend time by the sea, the last place you should go is an island country. Fatty holds up a travel book about Rome – which actually is not on a coastline, but sounds romantic enough for the girls to become excited about. Allie asks, “Is Rome like a country?” Yes, she really does. Then she reconsiders, saying, “No, is Italy a country?” Fatty isn’t sure, but decides that Italy is more like a state.

"You know, like how Newport Beach is a state."

Girls! How did you make it through 13 years of education and not ever learn that Italy is a nation!? Yes, a nation! Like, you need a passport to get in and out of it. It has its own language and, until recently, its own currency system. Seriously. Buy some chopsticks and perform a reality check. You are on TV talking like this. They conclude that Italy would be super fun because they really like Pizza Hut. Okay, I actually made that worse than it was. They said they like Italian food. They also like Spain for a runner-up because Allie has taken high school Spanish. Yes, “Donde esta los caliente boys?” should help a lot when your passports get stolen.

Uh oh, Chase is still at the beach waiting for his third appointment of the day and here comes Taylor in a bumblebee top.

"Hurry up because I'm meeting with Chrissy next."

Once again, we get the “I’m Innocent” speech from Chase and Taylor correctly points out that Chase acted like he cared more about Allie in the entire prom situation. Chase whines and Taylor pouts, blah, blah, blah. Chase wants it to be over and never talk about it again – what a surprise. I’m proud of Taylor for saying she doesn’t know because it was an awful thing he did to her. Here’s what. I think it was silly of Taylor to show up while Chase was on a date with Allie – no matter what Chrissy told her, but I can’t get over how manipulative Chase is with everyone. I like it when people stand up to him – even if it’s only temporary.

What’s next? Ah, we’re back to the smartest girls at Newport Harbor High School – Allie and Fatty, who will graduate next week much to the dishonor of California public education. They’re in the kitchen now and Fatty is astonished to discover that celery doesn’t grow in separate little stalks, but comes in a big bunch from which you have to pull off each stalk individually. I’d hate to see her when she discovers that grapes don’t grow individually either.

"Hey! They're all stuck together!"

The brainiacs wonder what food is like in France and Allie speculates that they might eat animals. Not like in America where we eat hamburgers and fried chicken, but animals – like duck. Fatty brings up fish eggs and they both search around for the proper term – caviar. As long as they’re going to France, I say they may as well go all out and try foie gras and escargot as well. How awesome would it be to see Fatty’s face as her brain slowly pieces together the spiral shells and bubbling goo on her plate? Bon appetit! There is one problem, however. Allie’s parents aren’t exactly on board with the Euro-summer plans. It seems that Allie’s done a lot of begging, but hasn’t been able to get definitive permission just yet. Fatty offers to have a sit-down with Allie’s dad Art, to square the situation away and then she says, “Wait till your dad finds out he already paid for it.” What? Okay, that right there would have been reason enough for my parents to disallow whatever it was I had paid for – which in my case would have only gone as far as a pair of shoes, let alone an entire trip to Europe. Her parents should at least make her point to Europe on a globe before entertaining any discussion about going there.

Taylor and her friend Alex are sitting on Taylor’s bed gabbing. I have to wonder if there was an Orange County Future Parents Convention in the late eighties where at least 75% of the couples agreed to name their children either Lauren, Taylor, or Alex. Those names have come up in every season for the past four years. As the girls discuss things like nail polish and highlights, Chase calls Taylor’s cell phone. Alex strongly urges her not to answer because he was so mean to her after prom. Taylor seems to have forgotten that she’s mad at Chase for a minute, but then she remembers and agrees not to answer her phone. Just as she recovers from nearly answering, he calls again. And again she is unsure what to do, but luckily Alex is still there to remind her not to answer. This time she flips the phone open and snaps it shut again, hanging up on him. Hooray! Thank you Alex, for keeping Taylor on task. That was a tricky one.

"So I'm still mad? Wait. Am I?"

Oh geez, Mayor G-Thing is doing some fancy skateboarding down the street while his boyz sit around on the curb cheering him on. Clay is here, of course, wearing his signature clueless grin and chuckling about everything. Misspelled Jasen is also here, along with Andrew – he of the pale yellow tuxedo jacket.

"Gather 'round, class. For I know nothing."

After G-Thing bites it on the skateboard, the guys decide to tag team Clay about taking things to the next level with Chrissy – again with that phrase? Mayor G-Thing says they need to talk strategy and his first tip is to pay Chrissy compliments, like saying he likes what she’s wearing. Hmm, I would consider that more of a common politeness than a sex guarantee. Any other thoughts, G-Thing? Yes in fact. The next tip is for Clay to not answer his cell phone during the date. Okay, this is a sad commentary on the state of dating affairs today. So now regular courtesy is not to be expected as a given, but rewarded with intercourse? No wonder guys feel so entitled. “I didn’t burp in your face for the last 10 minutes, aren’t you going to lift up your shirt?” Really ladies, we can do better than this.

And it’s over to Molly Brown Swimwear – cute name – where Chrissy has apparently come to the conclusion that of the 42 bikinis she owns not one of them will do for her parentless hot tub date with Clay. She and Sasha are on a mission to find a new one. Sasha wants to know if Chrissy has spilled the beans to Clay yet about being a virgin and Chrissy says that the opportunity hasn’t really come up yet. Oh, you mean during your first three dates the brave and bold Clay didn’t come out and ask if you were up for a roll in the hay? Chrissy wonders whether she should tell him and Sasha thinks yes. She also thinks that Clay will appreciate the fact that Chrissy is pure. Chrissy is not so sure and worries that guys might want a girl with experience. Next I think Sasha uses that word again from a couple of episodes back, “slew,” or “sloot,” or whatever. She says, “They don’t like slewy girls who have been with a lot of guys.” Kids today. I just can’t keep up. What with their lingo and their crazy virginity – I can’t follow.

"Pshh... you're so naïve."

Chase is on his phone once again, determined to get Taylor to pick up. This time she’s wandering around loose without Alex to remind her that she’s ignoring Chase so she answers. Chase suggests that Taylor come to his house tonight for dinner and talking. Taylor insists that she’s still upset about everything, but Chase uses the logic that she can’t be mad forever so she might as well come over. This blows Taylor’s mind and she agrees. Oh gag. I hope he doesn’t do something seductive like tell her she looks nice.

Over at Allie’s house, it’s Euro Showdown 2007. Her parents innocently ask what she plans to be doing this summer and she announces that she’ll be in Europe. When her parents adopt the “not so fast” attitude she tells them it’s all paid for as if that is the end of the discussion. When they continue to protest Allie gets all belligerent, saying that she’s practically an adult and all her friends are going and their parents are letting them. Oh, well in that case… yeah right! My parents would have busted a gut laughing at me if I had concocted a scheme like this at age 17 – and then gone ahead and used their credit card to pay for it as well. I would have been shuttled between my home and a job the entire summer and spent the rest of the time staring at my bedroom walls. Allie’s dad says that Allie thinks she knows what the world is like but she doesn’t. True, she thought Rome was a country, for starters. She argues that she has more of a clue about the world than a lot of her friends. Number one – that’s not saying a lot; Fatty knows nothing either. Number two – how does she figure? Because she’s been to Palm Springs? That’s not exactly international travel, sweetie.

"I am smart - I am!"

She yells at her dad that it’s so messed up to be hesitating after he’s already paid for the whole thing. Oh my gosh! He paid for the whole thing unknowingly! Now she’ll never speak to them again if they ruin her senior trip. When her parents weakly attempt to tell her she’s being disrespectful she snaps right back that they are the disrespectful ones and storms away. I hope that Art and Carolyn are happy with the monster they’ve created. This is what happens when you never say no to your children and let them run wild with your credit card. I guess it’s not exactly Allie’s fault that she’s like this. Europe 2007!

A giggling Taylor arrives at Chase’s house clearly ready to forgive and forget. Wow, all he had to do was invite her over. Chase has ordered pizza from BJ’s (heh heh, subliminal message?) and also presents Taylor with a bunch of pink roses. Done and done!

"I'm so mad at you Chase."

Over dinner Chase says he was an idiot and he’s sorry. Taylor says she’s over it. They agree that they should leave the past in the past and start fresh for the summer. They even pinky swear on it. Ugh, Taylor honey, the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior so good luck with this one. Luckily you’re an Orange County hottie and will have no trouble snatching up another guy once Chase is off to college… or massage school… or the hair academy.

And finally we have the Grand Hot Tub Date. Clay and Chrissy start off sitting on the floor of Clay’s bedroom (why isn’t Daddy blowing up her phone?) and looking at prom night pictures. Then climbing into the hot tub, they embark on their flirty talk, where they’re both really self-conscious and not sure what to say. It’s quite cute, but no wonder they can’t talk about sex. Clay goes, “So…” and Chrissy goes, “So…” It’s always like the first date for them. But then Chrissy gets really brave and decides to bust out the news that she’s… a virgin!

"It's true... I'm pure."

I think Clay is secretly relieved because this takes the pressure right off of him. He launches into a speech about how he and Mayor G-Thing decided that it’s sexy when girls hold off and don’t give it up all the way through high school. Chrissy says she respects herself and Clay exhales a huge sigh of relief. Now he can answer his phone if it rings. Then he asks her if it’s been hard and congratulates her on a job well done. Hmm. Apparently we are to think that Clay isn’t a virgin… but I’m not so sure.

Next week is graduation!

What did you think of tonight’s episode? The big V?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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