Double the Bachelor!

"To the Dizzy Rooster, Jeeves!"

Well I celebrated too soon. Just when I congratulated myself on only having to recap an hour-long show this season, ABC went and stretched The Bachelor back out to an hour and a half. 60 minutes of air time just wasn’t enough for the girls to parade around acting jealous and catty, or for Brad to display what an honest, caring, uneducated guy he really is. So here we are back at the Mansion of Desperation with Chris Harrison explaining that this week there will be two group dates, each with a rose at stake, and one single date, where the lucky participant will either get a rose or a kick in the pants. The girls will find out who’s going where as the Date Boxes arrive. Oh look at this, a date box has already arrived! McCarten reads out who is invited and earns herself the nickname McTan Lines due to some apparent falling asleep by the pool – in a halter swimsuit. The first group to flaunt their shame will be: Stephy, McTan Lines, Portfolio Jenni, Lindsey the Model, Sarah, and DeAnna. The encrypted note reads: “Join me for an afternoon at the greatest show on earth. –Brad.” They all squeal and dig into the box, pulling out what looks like mostly clown wear. One girl gets a clown cookie – lucky! DeAnna tells us that she’s excited because she hasn’t been to the circus since she was little. There’s a reason for that, DeAnna. Lindsey’s excited too, but worried that some of the others might have stronger bonds with Brad already. Uh oh, it’s time to go to the circus in your underwear and highlight the only thing you have to offer, Lindsey.

In the limo on the way over, Brad says that this will be a participatory date, and he tells us that he’s bringing them to the circus because he wants to see the inner child in each of them. Oh no. If he dares to say that he’s just a big kid, ABC is going to be the recipient of a nasty letter campaign spearheaded by yours truly. Nice reason, Brad, but you’re taking them to the circus because that’s what the producers arranged. First stop at the circus is to feed an elephant some bread. Sarah starts acting like this is the most spectacular thing she’s ever done and asks if the elephant is “really outgoing.” It’s an elephant, Sarah, not a candidate for student body president. The elephant answers her question by blowing its nose on her. Outgoing enough for you?

"Excuse me, I thought you were a giant tissue."

Brad takes the girls to a special box, just like they had at the racetrack, and then they get to come down into the empty arena and explore the circus behind the scenes. I’m starting to worry that this might be one of those Bachelor tricks where they pretend to go to an event, but end up just visiting the venue – like when the Prince Pet Beautician took that girl to the “opera” and they just sat in the empty theater eating dinner. Some hired musicians eventually serenaded them, but it was no opera – and he was no prince. Will this be the case with the circus as well?

They spend some time with the clowns who show off their tricks and pretty soon Jenni says she’s in her element. Oh, does she think we’re at a Phoenix Suns game? I guess it’s the next best thing because she does a tumbling sequence for everyone like the big show-off she is. The clowns hang their heads in shame. I am alarmed to observe that I think Jenni is wearing a strapless jumpsuit. Like the kind I would try on at the store and take pictures of myself wearing as a hilarious joke. Brad is so flabbergasted by the tumbling that he pulls Jenni outside for some one-on-one time and tells us that she is the only girl who still makes him nervous. Oh geez. Jenni is so dull to me. I mean, yes she’s a perky cheerleader, but she’s 27 and… she’s a cheerleader. Does she have anything going on that will be useful in life? Or does Brad just not care? Jenni tells Brad she hasn’t told anyone about their kiss and he says neither has he. Oh really? Who would you tell Brad? And I mean someone who’d care, not Chris Harrison. Jenni decides it’s time to pull out the big guns and tells Brad that her life and her dancing are in Phoenix and wonders if he would be willing to wait for her to finish out the season should things work out between them. She’s basically bypassing the porta-wife conversation, not giving him the chance to ask her the classic “Can you see yourself living in my town?” Very brave, Jenni. Brad says that he’ll allow her to continue her dancing for the season since she’s being kind enough to allow him to date other people. Good one, Brad, heh, heh. Jenni says that she wants to be the one Brad falls in love with, confirming that she is here “for the right reasons,” as if there were any.

"That wasn't a portfolio, it was a scrapbook."

Next Brad has a sit-down with Stephy, who goes on and on about her father and how she’s dying to marry someone just like him. Oh, did your dad go on a TV show to meet your mom, Stephy? If not, you’ve got the wrong guy. She tears up thinking about her dad and Brad pats her knee very awkwardly. Next question! How long was your longest relationship? Turns out it was three years and in high school. She’s 26. In fact, she literally can’t remember the last time she’s been asked out. Brad consoles her by saying that he himself has “kind of” asked her out. Ha! Oh Stephy, this isn’t looking too good.

Next Brad breaks the news that they will not only be watching the circus, but they will also be part of it. Yay! Everybody scream! What this actually means is that Brad is the honorary Ring Master, so after a clown introduces him as the sexiest Bachelor ever, he comes out into the arena with the girls trailing behind him, welcomes everyone to the circus, then introduces the actual Ring Master. Wow, that was tough. What a huge deal. Brad says he feels like the kid from Titanic, in other words, the king of the world. He really needs to get out more. To places besides the bars he owns.

"I'm flying, Jack!"

The real Ring Master comes out and announces to the crowd that Brad will be awarding a rose by the end of the evening. The crowd starts chanting, “Who cares? Who cares?” They want to see the circus! On with the show. Brad decides to pull McTan Lines into their private box for some alone time. He tells us that he can’t figure her out and asks her if she’s putting out a “just friends” vibe. McTan Lines says oh no, she’s just very secure and doesn’t need a silly old rose to make her feel good about herself. She just wants to get to know Brad better and for him to get to know her better. Brad tells her that’s refreshing to hear. Then McTan Lines says directly into the camera, “Dating Brad is really like the tightrope walk. Some people need a net, and some people don’t.” I can’t figure out McTan Lines’ brain capacity. She’s an account manager, which explains nothing. She seems a little dingy, so we’ll see what else she has in store.

"Yes, I know what sunscreen is. Why?"

Back home, the second Date Box has arrived. It’s for the single date and when Hillary sees her name on the envelope she jumps around and screams like a stuck pig.

Subtle, Hillary.

Brad has written her a sonnet: “You just get dressed, I’ll take care of the rest. –Brad.” She pulls out from the Date Box a black sparkly dress and some trinkets representing San Francisco. In the middle of her dance of glee, Jade rains all over her, saying, “Are you nervous? You COULD go home.” Daaaang, girl. Way to ruin Hillary’s one-woman party. Hillary just keeps dancing and Jade raises her eyebrows in very snotty way. Maybe at this week’s cocktail party she’ll tell Brad that “some people” do dances when they find out they’re going on a one-on-one date, not to name names.

And over at the circus, the daters have to participate in a little clown number, which eternally endears Brad to the girls – he did get up, put on a funny hat, and dance in front of the whole circus crowd, after all. Then the real Ring Master stops the show and a clown ziplines down from the ceiling to hand Brad his rose to distribute. The crowd boos. They want more circus! They didn’t pay for this crap. Brad doesn’t have a microphone or anything, but it looks like he’s on the JumboTron and he tells the girls this has been amazing and gives the rose to Stephy. McTan Lines has only herself to blame for this, and Stephy is of course so glad to get a rose in front of the whole circus. Brad says he picked her because she “put herself out there” today. Hm, okay. Whatever. Some clowns shoot out of cannons and we’re done with the circus.

Later, Hillary poofs her hair in preparation for the big one-on-one. She tells us that she’s very touchy-feely and she hopes that she kisses Brad so that she’ll be able to brag about being the first one to kiss him. Great reason there, Hillary. I’m sure Brad will love it. Also, the joke’s on you because Perky Jenni already got the first kiss – well the first one that was mutual – so that dream is dead. Brad says he’s excited to take Hillary out because she’s the one who always keeps him laughing. Last week he said Jenni always keeps him laughing and honestly, I haven’t seen him laughing very much. Hillary makes her entrance in the black sparkly dress that has a weird plain belt around the waist and Brad starts stammering that he is at a loss for words. Luckily he has a little brown box that will do all the talking for him. It’s full of diamonds! Everybody scream!

The Heart of the Ocean

Immediately the group date girls go into pouting mode and Hillary goes into gloating mode. Brad fastens the necklace onto Hillary and she twirls giddily. Okay, I would love to get to wear a million dollars worth of diamonds, even for one night, but the other girls all act like this is Brad’s doing and that it must be some sort of favoritism. Ladies, he had nothing to do with this. The producers handed him the box and shoved him into the limo. And those diamonds are going right back where they came from before this night ends, so dry your eyes.

In the limo Brad tells Hillary that they are off to San Francisco, so I’m waiting for them to pull up to the Southwest terminal at LAX, but instead they get to go on a private jet! Interesting. I’m sure Southwest would have been cheaper. They fly from Los Angeles to San Francisco like once an hour. Oh well, I guess they have to pull out all the stops to make Brad seem impressive, even though he’s on the ABC private jet, and not the Dizzy Rooster private jet. In San Francisco they are whisked over to some restaurant where they get a private room to dine and discuss. Hillary says she feels like a princess with her prince – that’s original. Brad reiterates that he chose Hillary for this date because she seems so fun and he really wants to have a good time. This is Hillary’s cue to burst into tears. She says that she would give up the diamonds and even the shirt off her back (hint, hint) just to be happy with Brad and crazy in love. She bawls and Brad isn’t really sure what to do. She says she’s just so happy to have this chance to meet someone like him. He keeps telling her not to be sad and she keeps shrieking that she’s fine and then bawling some more. This is highly inappropriate. She’s sobbing her heart out to a stranger that she just met. Pull yourself together, Hillary. Men already think women are psycho.

Meanwhile at the mansion, Date Box #3 arrives. Obviously the girls going on the second group date are Kristy, Sheena, Jade, Bettina and the Christian. The production assistants gave up on rhyming and just wrote, “Let’s all sail away together.” Everybody scream! They pull out little nautical trinkets and Sheena tells us that she has been boating her entire life so she hopes that will give her the edge on the date.

Back at the sobfest Hillary cries that she doesn’t want Brad to think she’s an emotional girl. Good luck with that, Hillary. It’s just that she does want to fall in love and she’s just so happy to be here. Basically it just goes on with her alternating between sobbing and apologizing for sobbing. This is the worst date ever. Brad can’t even eat dinner because he’s too busy wiping off her face.

"Uh, is there some medication you forgot to take?"

Let’s see what’s going on at the mansion, shall we? The girls are speculating as to whether or not Hillary will be coming back. DeAnna says she doesn’t think so and McTan Lines flat out says she doesn’t want her to. When questioned, she says she’s not here to make friends and she doesn’t know or like Hillary enough to want her to come back. Well there you have it from Little Miss Confidence. The other girls act shocked over this attitude, but the only difference is that they’re not saying it out loud. Which actually makes them classier if you think about it.

And back to the floods. Hillary blubbers that even if she goes home, she’s so glad to know that there is a guy out there like Brad. All right Hillary, we get it. Give it a rest for crying out loud. Brad tells us that he thinks Hillary is crying because she has very true feelings for him. Yeah, either that, or she’s an insane mess. Why chance it? Brad decides that he can’t possibly risk an entire nervous breakdown, so he grabs the rose and gives it to her to shut her up. So much for a fun date with a fun girl. She snatches the rose, of course. Next Brad takes her over to the Ghirardelli Chocolate Factory for some ice cream in the shop. I may have to make an emergency run to Cold Stone after watching this scene. Hillary asks Brad if he wants “jimmys” on his ice cream which causes him to do a double take. She explains that where she comes from sprinkles are called jimmys, but everyone knows that jimmys is slang for condoms and I think Hillary is inserting a subliminal message. Would anyone from Philadelphia like to verify this? Anyway, Brad and Hillary share a little tear-stained ice cream kiss and Hillary is ready to walk down the aisle.

Back from commercial we embark on Group Date #2 and Brad tells us that it’s only fair to give the rest of the ladies a chance after his first two amazing dates. That's polite of him to call Hillary's date amazing. The girls climb on the sailboat and they have brought him the captain hat from the Date Box to wear. Eeeew, it reminds me of Mayo. This is a very large boat they are on; it looks like a pirate ship. Kristy announces that this is her chance to show Brad her funny side because all he’s seen so far is her serious side, what with the tongue diagnosis and all, so she sits with him at the wheel of the ship and “acts silly.” This is basically just her laughing really loud and pretending to put her arm around him. Oh Kristy, stop, you’re too much. I guess it works because Brad says they had a great talk and he finds her very attractive.

Brad is clearly entranced.

The other girls have started up their own dance party elsewhere on the ship and the Christian comes right over and gives Brad a lap dance. You see, she has really strong morals and values. She tells us that she and Brad have a really strong connection, but shaking her butt in his face is all she knows how to do. Yes, she really says that. Suddenly Smeed fires off a cannon. This is getting more bizarre by the minute.

Christian virtue or offensive mockery?

At home the girls are doing – what else? – hanging by the pool and Hillary asks for all the girls who didn’t want her to come back last night to raise their hands. DeAnna and McTan Lines raise their hands. Well Hillary, you asked. Hillary confessionals that DeAnna and McTan Lines are straight up witches. Oh, and I suppose you don’t want to be the one Brad chooses, right Hillary? Please. You wouldn’t want them to come back either and you know it, so why even go there?

Sheena decides that now is her chance to shine with her boating experience so she and Brad race around on a couple of wave runners. Sheena wave runs circles around Brad, but apparently she gets a little too risky out there because the next thing you know the Coast Guard is approaching, sirens blaring. They are escorted back to their boat where Sheena lies down in shame. It seems they have been restricted to only one wave runner at a time, so Brad takes Bettina out with him and they zoom around for a while. No Coast Guard intervention this time. Bettina tells us that she totally fell in love with Brad while looking at the back of his head on the wave runner. That’s deep. Back on the boat Brad tells Bettina that she has everything he is looking for. And… he knows this how? Oh because she’s pretty. Wait, she’s also sweet. Wow, he’s hard to please. Sweet and pretty. And most girls don’t act sweet and pretty on the first two dates, do they? Come on Brad. If that's it then why aren't you married a dozen times over? He starts asking about Bettina’s past relationships so she decides it’s time to lower the boom and tell him about the big divorce. She seems totally uncomfortable talking about it – even though she says she doesn’t mind – but she stammers through her explanation of how it was short lived and just not right. All Brad tells us is that he didn’t expect that.

"No I love talking about this. Really."

It’s time for Brad to present the rose. Without much fanfare he gives it to Kristy, saying he was happy to see her fun side and that she’s beautiful. Jade looks really annoyed – ha ha! You should have pretended to put your arm around him, Jade! Bettina is afraid that her divorce may have ruined her chances. But Bettina, don’t forget you’re everything he’s looking for.

And now comes the most scandalous, unexpected, controversial, earth shattering Pre-Rose Ceremony party ever. Brad shall enlist his twin, Chad, to trick the girls and find out which ones love him for him, and which ones are too caught up with themselves to notice when a stunt double comes along. Now that I’ve stopped rolling my eyes from the Brad/Chad naming fiasco, Chad knocks on Brad’s door and when Brad answers we see that they are dressed identically, from their pin-striped shirts and paisley ties right down to their spit-shined dress shoes. Brad is so grateful to Chad for dropping everything to come out and help him in this process. Who’s watching the Dizzy Rooster? They sit down out on the patio to have a beer and Chad wonders what Brad would like from him. Hmm, let’s see. What could it possibly be? Here you are looking identical with your outfits matching down to the last detail – I’m lost. I have no idea what you could be doing here. Come on ABC, give us some credit. Chad knows what he’s doing here, please. Okay, so Brad spells it out: he wants Chad to impersonate him. No! Who’d have ever guessed? Here Chad raises his eyebrows, laughs, and acts all surprised. Good acting, Chad, but no one buys it. Anyway Brad re-clarifies that if the girls can tell the difference, their feelings are sincere. This is a completely bizarre judging process that I can’t honestly believe Brad would employ in real life past the age of 16. In fact, I think that his twin brother is the main reason he was chosen as the Bachelor – just so we could have the upcoming scene. But honestly, first of all, these girls don’t know he has a twin, they’re not expecting this, and they barely know Brad as it is, so what does it really signify? Also, twins are always perceived differently by different people. Like to me, without the different hair color, I could never tell the Olsen Twins apart, but I’m sure they look different to some people – they’re fraternal. Brad says he wants to see who’s attracted to him as a person – like not for his looks. So sending in your duplicate is going to determine who loves your personality? Actually I guess that does make sense. I can’t believe I just said that. Now, having said all that to clarify just how dumb this little scheme is, I have to say that Brad and Chad don’t look identical to me. Brothers? Yes. Twins? Not necessarily. The girls should be able to tell, but you know they’ll be drunk and nervous, so it’s a crap shoot. Let’s see what happens.

"...and that will prove she loves me!"

Chad explains to us that before he met his wife, Brad saw her first and knew immediately that she was the woman for Chad. So it naturally follows that Chad should be able to walk into the room of bachelorettes and know right away which one is Brad’s soul mate. Yeah, that makes total sense, Chad. Thanks. They are digging to convince us that this is a good idea. Brad tells Chad it’s important to note that his intention is not to deceive anyone. Oh, so that explains the grand deception then. Just like it won’t be your intention to hurt anyone each time you reject a girl and send her away. Geez with the way Brad is going on about Chad being his last hope in being able to determine who his wife should be, I’m beginning to wonder how anyone without a twin to test the relationship can ever get married. Thank goodness my little sister and I are similar looking so I can do this procedure on boyfriends in the future. Finally Chad heads in and Brad settles into the limo to watch what happens on a monitor.

First up is McTan Lines, cleverly wearing a halter dress to cover those ridiculous lines. She should have thought of that before wearing a strapless top to the circus. She yammers for a while about herself just being herself, and even if she ends up by herself, at least she knows she was herself. Chad just laughs and McTan Lines doesn’t figure it out. Strike one!

Lindsey is up next and she is ready with questions for Brad. She wants to know how long he would like to be engaged for. And this is important, why Lindsey? Chad does a blanket response, that it could be long or short, whatever. Next Lindsey asks if he likes canoeing and camping because that’s what she grew up doing. Another life-altering question. Chad says he does and then excuses himself. Lindsey has absolutely no clue that wasn’t Brad. Strike two!

It’s Sheena’s turn now and she realizes right away that something isn’t correct. She tells Chad that he looks different and he tries to blow it off, but she knows it’s not Brad. Cut to Brad in the limo elated that someone finally recognized that his brother isn’t him. Chad introduces himself to Sheena and she starts crying. Oh Sheena, relax. Chad thinks it’s adorable that Sheena is so moved by the switcheroo, but when Sheena says that Chad doesn’t have the same patch of blond hair on his ear that Brad does, I’m a little spooked.

Kristy is up and she immediately says, “You are not Brad!” winning points with everyone. Next Bettina does almost exactly the same thing, realizing Chad is a twin. For some reason DeAnna and Stephy are up together and they start off saying something is different. Chad says he’s just really tired, but then he gives it up. Stephy says that either Brad is wearing dentures or she’s drunk. Ew, so Chad has gross teeth? Yuck.

Sarah goes next and she says that he looks different, but when Chad says it’s stress she totally buys it. She just listens to him for a while nodding with big eyes and never catches on. Strike three!

So after all of that and Brad putting his entire future into the hands of Chad and this one crazy experiment, what do you think Chad has to say about it? He says, “I honestly don’t know what you’re going to do.” And thank you Chad for deserting the Dizzy Rooster and your wife to come all the way out here to trick everyone and figure out nothing. That was a big waste of time. I blame you for making the Bachelor an hour and half again. So the girls all gather and Chris Harrison brings out Brad and then… Chad! Everybody scream! The girls who never caught on feel like idiots, as they should, the others bask in their cleverness. As the girls take turns telling the camera what they think of the trick, Sheena realizes that they are named Brad and Chad and collapses into horrified giggles. Exactly, Sheena.

Chris takes Brad and Chad into the room with the pictures and fills some time by asking what the experiment felt like to each of them. Who cares what the experiment felt like to Brad and Chad? Let’s get on with it! Chad votes for Sheena; he really likes her. Brad says Sheena “took him back.” That’s the second time he’s said that tonight. It’s taken aback, Brad, not taken back. You’re not a returnable item of clothing. He says it again before the episode is through. Chad has the nerve to stand up for McTan Lines, saying she would have figured it out if she had been given a little more time. Uh, no. This was her face when the twins came out together:

She wasn’t figuring anything out. Brad gets left alone to look at all the pictures and ponder.

At long last it’s the dreaded Rose Ceremony. Hillary, Stephy and Kristy are safe. Brad says he’s just going to go with his heart. Here’s how it goes: Sheena, McTan Lines (thanks a lot, Chad.), Perky Jenni, Jade, DeAnna, and… ladies, Brad, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. Divorced Bettina! So that means Sarah, the Christian, and Lindsey the Model are out. Sarah says she had no idea what went wrong – besides not being able to tell him apart from his brother. Sorry Sarah, you’re obviously a huge loser who will never marry a Texas millionaire. Okay, the Christian makes one of the greatest farewell speeches ever, so I’m going to have to quote it.

“It’s just upsetting ‘cause I feel like I had a stronger connection with him than anybody else did and I was a little more truthful and honest about who I was. Because he did see the very special parts of me because I wear those special parts on the outside. So it’s just that those special parts weren’t parts that he was looking for, unfortunately.”

Um, I’m just going to let that one sit and speak for itself. You all saw the strip show and the lap dance, so draw your own conclusions. Lindsey says she’s not going to sit here and cry about something that wasn’t right. Then she bawls her head off. She talks about meeting someone and thinking you’re going to spend the rest of your life with them, you’re going to get a house and have kids, and it hurts to see it end. Lindsey, you didn’t have a relationship here, you went on a couple of group dates. Yes it’s embarrassing, but you’re talking like you guys have been dating for years.

Not special enough parts.

Next week Perky Jenni gets a helicopter ride and the other girls are not happy about it. There is a group date at the Groundlings, and a two-on-one date including DeAnna and Jade who hate each other. This should be good, and I’m voting for DeAnna. I’ve liked her from the beginning, so I hope she gets the rose.

So what did you think of this extended episode? What did you think about Chad? Do tell me your thoughts.

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta