The Hills are Dead with the Sound of Music

The Dynamic Triumvirate - The Conversation Driver, the Emotionless Robot, and the Non-existent One

After a long enough break that it might as well have been the season finale the last time we saw the ladies of The Hills….it continues. Finally. A clever little rouse to make us believe that we haven’t been sitting around wondering “when is The Hills going to be on again? Didn’t they say its continuing?” No one had any idea when it was going to come back. I found out on The Soup.

Another clever thing they did on Monday night was to fit a whole bunch of nothing into an hour on our not-season premier (it’s just continuing, remember). That is why I have decided to recap The Hills, since there’s not a lot going on. Basically Lauren went clubbing in Paris then to a ball, ruined 2 dresses and snubbed some poor French guy who wanted to get in her pants. Heidi went snowboarding in Crusty Butt and Spencer showed up unwelcomed. She made faces at him for an unspecified number of days and he finally left. The end.

This is Lauren - Excited

Let me elaborate, in case you didn’t see this episode and are incredulous that this is really all that happened in the entire hour. We began with Lauren pondering leaving Brody behind in LA while she was whisked off to Paris, and reconfirmed her decision as the right one when she remembered giving up Paris for a boy before and how badly that turned out. I’m not sure why this is an issue, are Lauren and Brody a couple? All I remember is that they had an awkward kiss in Vegas, which means nothing. There has been a lot more going on in Vegas that has meant nothing to anyone – believe you me! I am living proof that Vegas is a black hole of meaninglessness and nothing sustainable ever makes it out, not even a killer tan.

This is Lauren - Pissed Off

And then we find out Lauren’s big over-hyped super-duper trip to Paris is only a week long! Was I the only one misled to believing that she was staying for the summer? She really couldn’t go to Paris last year for A WEEK because of Jason and their beach house? Lauren is an idiot. I know – that’s no surprise.

This is Lauren - Hungry

Lauren and Whitney had two tasks as soon as they landed in Paris – pick up their ball gowns and pick up the debutantes' shoes. They did the first and couldn’t manage the second. This is why they are interns and not employees! I notice MTV has decided to tell me about most of the songs that I am hearing as I watch the episode and was immediately side tracked with L.A. Girls (Gilbert Le Funk Fantastique Remix) by Angel De Frutos, David Tort & Dj Ruff. I think it was maybe 12 minutes into the episode and I was completely over the show and into this song! I spent about 2 hours downloading other gems on iTunes, and then after a lengthy IM session with HoneyGangsta, she asked I tell her what I thought about the non-premier of The Hills (it’s just continuing, remember). So I had to saunter back with head hanging and finish watching.

This is Lauren - Au Naturale

Lauren and Whitney went out to a nightclub in Pairs and Lauren decided to alter and wear her ball gown, despite the fact that it’s a *ball gown*. Don’t worry y’all, she did this to her prom dresses – we’re in good hands. Until she burns the fabric by mysteriously placing her curling iron directly behind her designer *ball gown*. She bursts into tears, not because she ruined a ball gown, but because she doesn’t have anything wear. Whitney calls the guy who gave them the gowns and in a bad voice over she negotiates a new ball gown for Lauren. Yawn. This whole episode is so boring. OK, off to the Crillon Ball they go to “work” where Lauren gets a call from the French guy who wants to get in her pants – he wants to show her around Paris before she leaves the next day. The French guy shows up on a moped and she hops right on in her new *ball gown* that she promised to take very good care of. Did I mention it was raining? Genius Lauren. And that’s it. They get all sad about leaving Paris, and call their hotel room their home for the past week. Its like they’ve never stepped out of Southern California before. But then again, remember the hullabaloo they caused when they moved from Laguna Beach to Los Angeles – a mere 50 miles away and they acted like they were never going to see each other again. So this might as well have been like going to the moon.

The French Guy - sorry dude, no luck for you

In the meantime we got some updates from Heidi’s world, she’s at her parents in Crusty Butt, Colorado snowboarding and bleaching her hair beyond white to match the color of the skin on her face, so you can’t tell where her hairline begins. Nice job Heidi. I also think she got eye enlargements since the last time we saw her – even though we are just continuing, remember. She looked freaky. Spencer showed up in Crusty Butt, Colorado because Heidi hasn’t been answering her phone calls. Heidi and Spencer went to dinner at the Crusty Butt diner, and then the Crusty Butt Brewery, and then got drinks at the Crusty Butt lounge. She made a lot of faces at him and he was completely confused about what "no" means. Typical. This is one thing I personally learned from The Dude Whisperer – when a man says no, take him for his word. When a woman says no, that’s usually far from the end. Explanations are required, followed by pleas, begging and renegotiations from the guy. And here it is in living color. Anyway, Heidi was pretty rude to him and he left back for Los Angeles. She said something about wanting him moved out but I didn’t really catch what he said about that. I could care less about these two.

One more thing I’d like to add – its so lame that The Hills thinks that I am fooled into thinking this is a real fight when I have this, this, this, this, and this to show that they are indeed happy and retarded as ever together.

In the previews for this season (that is just a continuation from last season) we see that Spencer’s sister wants to befriend Lauren – which makes perfect sense. I mean how can you not want to be friends with someone as dynamic, charismatic, and exciting as Lauren? Oh wait.