The Bachelorette: The Good, The Bad and the Rejected

It's raining men.

Welcome to another super-sized episode of The Bachelorette! Tonight the guys dress up like cowboys, go on the Ellen DeGeneres show, and continue to hen peck one another in a grand romantic attempt to win DeAnna’s affection. I’ve got two hours to wade through so without further adieu, let’s get started!

Chris starts us off with another friendly visit to the Bunkhouse, which the guys have dubbed “The Outhouse,” but I’m going to keep saying Bunkhouse because it makes me think of them at camp. Chris announces that Paul, Graham and Jeremy will be heading up to the mansion for the next few days since they are the lucky three who received roses last week. Richard is feeling a bit dejected since he used to be in the mansion but now he has to stay at the Bunkhouse in shame. The New Mansion Three join DeAnna at the pool where she awaits their arrival. Here is what she says about her new housemates: She’s obviously attracted to Jeremy, she wants to know more about Paul, and Graham is just so freaking hot that she wants him to wander around shirtless for her pleasure. Hmm, if this were the Bachelor, we’d already know who is receiving the final rose. They all frolic in the pool for a while and then we head back down to the Bunkhouse – which, by the way, looks like it was hastily constructed out of cardboard 20 minutes before filming started. The Bunkhouse Boys are complaining about being left behind while Jeremy, Graham and Paul get to laugh it up with DeAnna poolside. The consensus seems to be that the guys don’t like or trust Jeremy. Basically boo hoo hoo. Then DeAnna sends the Mansion Three down to the Bunkhouse with a date card!

“Richard, join me for rooftop romance in the City of Angels. Love, DeAnna.” Richard is as nervous as a June bride as he remembers that he’ll have to pack his bags since this date may end in his speedy departure. DeAnna tells us that Richard is funny and easy to talk to, but tonight she needs to discover if there is a spark. As she descends the Bunkhouse path, The Riddler comments, “Dude, look at her. It’s like she has a closet full of perfection. She just walks in there and gets dusted with it.” I’m sorry but that is so cheesy. What guy says that? DeAnna fetches Richard and they head downtown to have dinner on the roof of an unnamed “landmark building.” Oh yeah, that one. Over dinner DeAnna asks what is the most romantic thing Richard has ever done for a girl. He tells her about a hilltop picnic and then crushes her dreamy idea of shooting stars, telling her they’re mostly just space junk burning up in the atmosphere. Ha! My three-year-old nephew could have explained that to her. That’s hardly fair, though. He can also explain the physics of the Phoenix Mars Lander – and he’s turning four next week.

"Space junk?!"

Back at the Bunkhouse the guys are pretty sure Richard will be getting a rose and then Date Box #2 arrives. Brian, Sean, The Riddler, Graham, Fred, Chef Robert, Twilley, Ron, Paul and Jeremy. “Get along, city slickers. It’s time to leave L.A. behind.” The important news here? Jason is not invited on the cowboy date and thus will have an open mike to blab about his son, Ty on his one-on-one.

And on the rooftop Richard tells DeAnna that he loves his job (teaching science) but he doesn’t make much money, to which DeAnna responds that she doesn’t mind working and would like to be with someone who loves his job. The next thing we learn about Richard is that he’s never brought a girl home to meet his family. DeAnna is shocked, but I don’t think that’s too weird. I once dated a guy for almost a year who talked to his parents five times a day and I don’t think they knew I existed. Okay so maybe that doesn’t justify anything, but instead brings up various other issues... Back to the show! Richard tells us that he’s feeling really good about things and he’d like to go in for a kiss. There is an enormous painful moment where you can just feel him wanting to kiss her but all he does is tuck her hair behind her ear while she snickers. That was awkward!

"OMG, he better not kiss me."

DeAnna tells us she knows he’s falling for her. She tells Richard she has a final surprise this evening. She takes him down to the street and has him change into a fairy princess outfit and high heels and then invites him to join her in a glowing pumpkin carriage.

Bibbity bobbity boo!

Yes, it’s all true. Okay not the dress part. Or the heels. But those might as well have been. I’ve never met a guy in my life who would willingly ride around a glowing pumpkin carriage out in the open. Richard tells us it feels so right, which is alarming. Unfortunately DeAnna isn’t feeling the same way because she waves her magic wand and the carriage becomes a pumpkin, the horses become mice and Richard gets the big fat shaft. DeAnna cries as she tells Richard that she can’t give him the rose because she doesn’t think there is a romantic connection. He hangs his head as he shuffles toward the cab that has been strategically waiting a few feet away. DeAnna rides home in the pumpkin alone.

The Bunkhouse Boys watch in shock as the luggage guy comes in and takes Richard’s luggage away. It’s so funny because the luggage guy never speaks but you can tell that the Bunkhouse Boys are looking to him for an explanation (they’ve clearly not seen the show). But the luggage guy will not break the fourth wall and the Bunkhouse Boys are left to deduce for themselves the danger they are all in now that things are getting serious.

Bright and early the next morning we have the arrival of the first actual Date Box of the season! And I don’t mean a tiny one that just has a note in it. Oh no, this one is filled to the brim with cowboy paraphernalia. And later, all dressed up as cowboys, the guys meet DeAnna at The Red Barn, whatever that is. DeAnna is in costume, including a midriff baring cowgirl outfit and pigtails. She talks about being in her element as she is a southern girl, but I thought she was from Georgia. I would picture more the Scarlett O’Hara type of ensemble making her feel at home, but maybe that’s just my own daydreaming. Next comes another painful scene as the guys try to learn a country line dance in their plastic cowboy hats.

Ho down!

And at home, Jason does what? Calls Ty. No thanks.

Now it’s time to ride the mechanical bull. The Riddler ends up being the champion bull rider and then all the guys rush right up to the bull with binoculars to watch DeAnna take a turn. Of course they do. After she flails around on the bull she fakes an injury on being thrown to the mat. I knew that was going to be a big fake out when I saw it on the previews! As the guys rush over to her she announces that she is just trying to see who is a gentleman and who isn’t. The Riddler wins, and Ron loses. He’s still way over on the grass nursing a beer.

As you were, Ron.

As a reward The Riddler gets alone time and DeAnna wants to know why he’s still single. He tells her that his last girlfriend got to the point where she would introduce herself as Jesse’s girlfriend, instead of using her name. He doesn’t want someone who is just Jesse’s girl. Well he may not, but Rick Springfield does. So there.

Where can I find a woman like that?

Later around the campfire Twilley leads the guys in some kind of clapping chant about a lion hunt and it is yet another really awkward moment. I won’t be sad when Twilley is excused from this process.

"Timmy!"

DeAnna takes Ron aside to find out why he confronted Jeremy about getting to stay in the mansion again because it wasn’t Jeremy’s decision. Ron talks about being a guy’s guy and basically tells DeAnna not to worry about it because it’s none of her business. I guess that’s true. Also, you never see the Bachelors trying to sort out fights between the girls. They just sit back and bask. Rookie mistake, DeAnna.

After his alone time Ron sits back down with the rest of the guys and goes back to brow beating Jeremy. He tells him that there’s something wrong with him and that he’s missing a level of tact. Not only does he pester Jeremy, but he keeps trying to rile up all the other guys to take his side. I get that he’s annoyed that Jeremy is getting a lot of DeAnna’s attention, but this is not a very helpful reaction. Trying repeatedly to insult Jeremy isn’t going to get him any further into DeAnna’s good graces. He’s really focusing on the wrong things here.

Jeremy gets alone time now and he screams at DeAnna to let him fight his own battles. Just kidding, they snuggle up while Graham and Fred sneak up behind them and scare the crap out of DeAnna. I’m going to say it, I think Fred’s really cute. He’s not terribly photogenic and he has an annoying Chicago accent, but I think he’s quite adorable. I hope to see more of him.

Chef Robert is up next and he whines to DeAnna that she hasn’t made any efforts to rekindle the connection they made on the very first night.

"You haven't paid enough attention to me!"

Geez! The girls never do this! They never blame the Bachelor – to his face – about not having enough time for a connection. Remind me to never be the Bachelorette because this would suck. What is she supposed to do? Well what DeAnna does is give Chef Robert the rose for calling her on the carpet. Then everyone sings “Home on the Range” and I chalk up yet another awkward moment for the episode.

And the next day the final Date Box arrives and it’s just a note that says “Jason, let’s reach for the stars. Love, DeAnna.” Ron guesses that means a roller coaster. That’s enough, Ron. DeAnna comes down to the Bunkhouse and sits down to wait for the ride that will take her and Jason on their date. It turns out to be this season’s first helicopter ride! The other guys stand around being jealous as the cute little couple lifts off. After soaring over Los Angeles, Jason and DeAnna land at the Mt. Wilson Observatory. That’s actually really cool. They sit down to a candlelit dinner in the observatory library and DeAnna opens a ginormous door for Jason when she asks him if he misses his family. Funny you should ask DeAnna… and he finally tells her that he’s a single dad and that Ty is the most important thing in his life.

...Gulp.

DeAnna actually reacts very graciously, telling him not to be nervous, that it’s okay, and then asking various questions about Ty. Oh, that’s nice. I actually once dated a guy with a child… never mind. DeAnna even looks at pictures and we discover that Jason was, in fact, married previously and that his wife chose to leave him and Ty. That’s so sad. And now Jason asks DeAnna to tell him about her late mother. DeAnna details her mother’s cancer and her final days and I am so bummed out! This is one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard. DeAnna talks about how strong she had to be for her little sister and how much she misses her mom. Then she says the most shocking thing of all: she has never dated a guy who has cared to know anything about her mother. What? What is wrong with people? How could you purportedly care about someone and not ever ask them about one of the most important people in their lives? Especially when the loss of that person has made such an impact? I can’t stay on this topic or I’ll cry and smash the computer. Suffice it to say that it was classy of Jason to ask and then listen to the story of DeAnna’s mother. I’m getting a tissue.

DeAnna offers Jason the rose, suggesting that they get to know each other better. They look through a huge telescope at all the space junk burning up in the atmosphere. Then Jason asks if he can kiss DeAnna and they do a little closed mouth smooch. As much as I didn’t want to like Jason, I have to say that this was a very emotional evening and I don’t see how they could help bonding over it.

Why does it look like they're in an 80's aerobics studio?

The next morning DeAnna and the Mansion Three head to the Bunkhouse to round everyone up for another big adventure. DeAnna says it’s a surprise, but thank goodness ABC has been teasing it on every commercial break for the last week. They’re going to the Ellen DeGeneres show! Did you know that Ellen DeGeneres is one of DeAnna’s trusted friends? DeAnna talks up their relationship and it seems that she is putting an awful lot of faith in a talk show host to help her decipher which of these guys is the one for her. As everyone files onto the soundstage it’s quite obvious that there is no studio audience at the moment. Just like Dodger Stadium – we only have use of the facilities. I’m not going to spend too much time on this – mostly because we’re nearing the two hour mark and I can’t take much more. Ellen asks the guys questions like what they like about DeAnna, which ones have kissed her, how long their past relationships have been, etc. Then they get in pairs and have a dance off, then Ellen sends the guys away so that she and DeAnna can deliberate over whom to award a rose. Ellen thinks that Fred is cute (holla!), Jeremy is ready to commit, and The Riddler is the most fun. She says that Graham is scared to death and I have to agree there. He seems like he has no clue what he’s doing. The guys come back out on stage, drop their pants and model Ellen boxers. All righty! Then Ellen paces back and forth in front of them carrying a boom box playing the Rose Ceremony music. After she goes up and down and back and forth, she gives the rose to Fred. Aw.

Congrats to the dark horse!

It’s Pre Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party time! Sean has chosen to do away with his mullet which is a huge step in the right direction, but then he wears an all cream suit, which is at least a half step backward.

Work in progress.

DeAnna takes Ron outside and tells him she’s freezing. He doesn’t offer his jacket. He tells her that upon waking up this morning he had reached a decision that she wasn’t really his type. Oh Ron. What’s she supposed to say to that? Great, let’s see if this can lead to marriage? Way to put the nail into your own coffin. He tries to smooth it over by saying he changed his mind later and he’d like to stay. Toodles, Ron.

"How could I ever resist such a speech?"

Jeremy comes out to break up this chat and the guys are so ready for a brawl that they all rush up to the window to watch, but it happens without incident. DeAnna thanks Jeremy for taking her away from Ron. Ron makes yet another speech to the guys and then to us about Jeremy’s lack of integrity. Boring. Jeremy and DeAnna talk about the possible geography of their hypothetical relationship. Yeah, yeah. DeAnna takes Graham outside to try and force his hot exterior into her mental mold of the perfect guy. It goes as usual with Graham – slightly awkward and then they kiss. DeAnna is totally relieved for no reason that I can detect. Next DeAnna takes Jason outside and presents him with a certificate saying that she named a star after his little boy. This may be totally hokey, but I can’t help thinking this is really sweet of her to show her appreciation for the conversation they had the other night about his son and her mother. Jason is so moved that you can tell he’s trying not to cry. So am I. These two are going to be the end of my emotional composure. I’m losing my edge!

Ah, here’s Chris tapping the glass, let’s get this buttoned down. First Chris makes DeAnna go over every single guy’s status in excruciating detail. Half of the episode gets replayed. Nonsense, let’s do the roses! And here’s how they go: Twilley (WHAT? I ask you!), The Riddler, Jeremy, Brian, Graham, gentlemen, DeAnna, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready… Sean – no more mullet. Paul and Ron are out of here! Paul says that he put his heart on his sleeve and he’s a little confused about what went wrong. Was it the maple leaf? Ron doesn’t feel rejected or like he lost, it’s just that DeAnna chose others. He’s not rejected, he’s not rejected. If she chooses Jeremy it’s doomed to fail. He’s not rejected. Bye Ron.

The REJECTED.

Next week the guys have to write DeAnna love songs, drive race cars, and then somehow cause DeAnna to have a crying fit at all of them.

So! How do you feel about Jason now? Am I alone in not being so annoyed by him anymore? Who do you think is next out the door? And why the hissy fit?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta