Date My Ex: Not in My Water Feature!

"Slade has two swimming pools?"

So this week a family member of mine set the DVR to record the Olympics EVERY TIME it was on. This of course, means that the Olympics were recording for at least 12 hours every day and the DVR started eliminating everything else that was recorded, most alarmingly, Date My Ex. I know you’ve all been biting your nails to the nub waiting to read about how Jo is proceeding so the minute the rerun came on – which is right now – I got right to the recap. With apologies for Olympic tardiness, I present to you episode five.

You can’t control Jo, m’kay?

She’s meeting her final three dufuses tonight and Blonde Bangs tells us she’s already been out with 13 guys. I wonder how many guys came to the casting call. Twelve? Anyway, tonight we meet Chuck, 28, Clinical Pharmacist. Clinical Pharmacist and he wants to meet Jo? Either this guy had a really hard time in high school or his “clinical pharmacy” consists of a meth lab. He says that Jo seems like a fun girl with a lot of aspirations. Okay, whatever Chuck. Next is Rameil, 42, Investor. Well he’s in Slade’s age range and has similar graying facial hair, so Rameil is on the right track so far. He tells us that his name means “tall god” and he’s trying to live up to that. Oh boy. He says that Jo reminds him of a Ferrari Testarossa because she’s beautiful and powerful. And don’t forget, Rameil, she has tomato boobs, too. Finally we meet Peter, 28, Surf Instructor. Peter looks a bit like a gorilla and claims to be the life of the party.

Blonde Bangs explains the rules and brings out the four guys who are moving on to second date status. They do a walk through and rip on each of the three new guys. And here comes Slade. Today he has done away with the jeans/t-shirt/crocheted cap look and decided to don a three piece suit and sunglasses. I’m actually not sure which ensemble is worse. Either way he looks like a complete creep. Slade thinks he remembers Rameil from high school. Just kidding. The three newbies settle into their tiny chambers and sit down to play a game of cards. Not so fast, studmuffins. David has come up with a really fun game to play called “Initiate the New Guys.”

It's not all fun and games at Slade's house.

He makes them all change into their bathing suits and then brings them to the pond in front of “Slade’s” front door. He tells them that he’ll toss a handful of coins into the pond and whoever can collect the most will be the winner. And it’s supposed to have something to do with showing Jo how much they like her, etc. They guys leap in and start digging around for the coins, which is difficult because the bottom of the pond is all gray stones.

"Get off of my quarter!"

Apparently Slade hears a suspicious noise because he comes rushing out the front door demanding to know what the new guys are doing bobbing around in his water feature. Yes, he very carefully explains to everyone that this is a “water feature,” not a pond, and as such everyone better get out of there quick. It is the height of disrespect to treat Slade’s water feature like a playground and he will not stand for it! He says “water feature” at least 15 times before we get to the reason he came outside in the first place. It’s time for Chuck to go on his date.

"Can I get anyone a pharmaceutical?"

Over at Jo’s apartment Jo is sitting on her couch pretending to write a song. She sits there strumming her guitar and mumbling and I have to say that I can play the guitar this well and I can’t play the guitar at all. Can’t wait to hear this finished masterpiece, Jo. Brunette Friend comes in with the hot pink polka dot hat box. This is really the exact same thing every week, isn’t it? “Jo, let’s spend an afternoon indulging our senses in sweetness and laughter. Maybe we’ll connect if the spirits move us. –Chuck.” Jo and Brunette Friend coo over how sweet this is and then Jo pulls out a wine bottle opener – or whatever those are called. So they’ll be tasting wine. On her way over in the car Jo gets her phone call from Slade. But this time is different. Slade is very put out. “Blah, blah, blah… David blah, WATER FEATURE, blah blah blah… WATER FEATURE, blah blah blah blah WATER FEATURE, WATER FEATURE, WATER FEATURE!!!” Jo laughs, which almost puts Slade over the edge. “It’s not funny, Jo!” Did I mention that Slade is wearing a bracelet?

Jo meets Chuck at a chocolatier where they will be tasting wine and chocolate. During their first glass, Jo says she can’t taste anything because all she can smell is water feature. HA! Just kidding. She just says that it’s too sweet. Slade frets at the laptop that if Jo starts sampling red wine she’ll get all touchy feely. Look, it can’t be any worse than her plethora of vodka shots followed by a big fat smooch last week, can it? Chuck breaks the glorious news that not only will they be tasting wine and chocolate, but they will also get to make their own chocolate and dip some fruit in it! Oh my gosh – can this date get any more thrilling? Fasten your seatbelt! It turns out that Chuck was mildly fibbing. They don’t really make anything, they just stand next to a mixer where chocolate is being stirred and dip orange wedges in it. Jo tells us that Chuck is very classy and refined, then she gets very confused and says, “but really cute just the same!” Oh Jo, what are you trying to say? Zack the Model isn’t classy or refined? I never! They eat more chocolate and drink more wine, then discover each other’s innermost secrets, like they both like country music.

"Don't tell anyone, Jo. But SheDaisy is my fave!"

Jo says it’s one of her favorite dates so far. Chuck thanks his lucky stars that he didn’t take her shooting. When Chuck gets home to tell the guys about his date, David says something about having a chocolate de la Rosa and once again, Slade gets all in his huff about defending Jo’s honor. I’m so confused. First, what did David even say? Second, why would anyone care? And third, since when did Jo care about having any honor to defend?

Surf Gorilla

Back from commercial we go directly back to the pink polka dot hat box where Jo reads, “Jo, hope you’re on board for some fun in the sun! Meet me at the beach so we can begin our adventure. – Peter.” Of course, the surfer is taking her surfing. Jo pulls a string bikini out of the box – oh great, do we get to watch Brunette Friend help her put it on?

Slade comes to taunt Peter while he gets ready to go and he asks Peter, why Jo? Peter says that he’s always had a rapport with Latin girls so Jo will fit right in. Huh? Slade tells us that the “surfer thing” makes Peter sound really uneducated and Jo won’t like that. Slade? I don’t think it’s the “surfer thing” that makes him sound uneducated. And Jo liked you, didn’t she?

Jo and Peter meet at Santa Monica beach on a really cloudy day and begin their surf lesson. Being from Orange County, Jo has never learned to surf, which makes absolutely no sense, but whatever. She thinks Peter is cute, which is also confusing to me, and he describes her as a Latina goddess. There’s not too much to say about the surf lesson except that it looks really cold, and then they sit down on the beach to have a snacky-poo. Jo describes Peter as really down to earth and grounded, so there goes Slade’s theory about Jo finding Peter uneducated and unappealing.

"Is my eyeliner smeared?"

When Jo gets home she demonstrates to her friends with an ironing board how she learned to surf. I guess they couldn’t have visualized a surf board on their own. When Peter brags about how well his date went, the other guys belittle him, according to tradition.

Fresh off the retirement community

Ah, here goes Rameil getting ready to take Jo out on a senior citizen date. Slade relates very well, but still manages to mock Rameil’s outfit. He worries that Rameil will be much more worldly than the other guys because he’s so much older.

Jo is busy making smoothies when the pink polka dot hat box makes its final appearance. They always manage to have her look so busily employed! “Jo, I think you’re a princess and deserve to be treated like one. Care to join me for the royal treatment? –Rameil.” Of course, Jo is thrilled to have someone point out what everyone should already know, that she is, in fact, a princess. She pulls a ginormous gray purse out of the box and tells us it’s ugly. Thanks for nothing, Rameil!

Jo meets Rameil at the Luxe Hotel on Rodeo Drive and he presents her with a rose, telling her that her name, de la Rosa, reminds him of a rose. Wow that is so symbolic, Rameil. A little too symbolic, in fact, for Jo, who once again is very confused. Rameil takes her up to a room in the hotel where there are lots of roses everywhere and a little table set up. Jo gets really worried and whines to us that it is so weird to be taken to a hotel room on a first date. Jo, what about this whole thing ISN’T weird? And don’t pretend you’ve never gone to a hotel room on a first date before – please.

"I usually get several cocktails before this point."

Jo sits down at the table and Rameil wants to hover over her and feed her chocolate covered strawberries. Uh, okay, this IS weird. Jo insists that she can feed herself and Slade is elated at the laptop. Next Rameil wheels in a rack of formal gowns and tells Jo he wants her to try them on and choose one. Jo is all uncomfortable, but not for the reasons you might think. She is uncomfortable because she thought that she left this kind of life behind her in Orange County, and she’s just not about this anymore. Yes, ladies and gentleman, THAT is what is wrong with this picture. As she tries on the dresses, Rameil calls to her from the other room, calling her “sweetheart” and “darling” so Jo rolls her eyes and makes faces to the camera. She finally emerges in a purple gown, that’s so big of her to settle on one, even though this is all just so awkward, and Rameil tells her there’s one thing missing and hands her a fat necklace. She puts it on, then tells Rameil it’s not really her style, handing it back. The most shocking event happens now, when Rameil has the gall to ask Jo how old she is. Jo gasps. Slade gasps. Blonde Bangs gasps. This has been a little weird, yes, but Jo was willing to overlook all of the inappropriateness until this moment. How dare he ask how old she is? He just crossed a huge line! Rameil takes Jo to a fabulous restaurant and she decides that now is the time to pretend that she’s NOT the world’s biggest social climber. She tells Rameil that this isn’t what makes her happy and instead makes him take her to the drive-through at McDonalds and eats her quarter pounder with cheese in the back seat while he takes her home. Well, you’ve convinced me, Jo. I was wrong about you all this time. You’re really just one of us.

At home for some reason Slade has commissioned the guys to bake cookies for Jo. I guess because she’s such a regular down home girl. Once again, David wants to fashion food in Jo’s image and of course, it’s a stick figure with huge boobs. This guy is one clever chap! Cue Slade on his white horse to save Jo from any and all degradation.

"Did someone say 'boob!?'"

Following a montage of all of the offensive things David has done from episode one, Slade pulls David outside to throw down the gauntlet. First off, the water feature! Well, David will not be blamed for all of these things when all of the guys in the house have been involved! The conversation quickly devolves into a pissing contest from which David stalks away. So Slade goes and grabs all of David’s crap and puts it next to the front door, telling him he has to leave. Duhn, duhn, duhn!

Jo and the dumbelles arrive for their weekly pestering session right in the middle of all the drama. Slade pulls them all into a room to freak out and Jo says she hasn’t seen him this upset since the day they broke up so she knows it’s serious. While Slade is having his tantrum David marches in and tries to interrupt, but Slade escorts him right back out. He tells Jo that this is all about protecting her honor and wants to know if David is really the kind of guy she wants to be with and we cut to commercial after a sustained shot of Jo’s signature confused facial expression.

Jo’s big decision is to talk to David and find out his side of the story. Oh this ought to be good. David tells her that Slade is still in love with her and will say or do whatever he can to make the other guys look bad, specifically David. As Jo tries to explain to David that she’s never seen Slade this upset since the day they broke up, David walks away laughing. Uh oh. It’s time for reinforcements. Jo asks Lucas to step into a room with her and Slade to see if he has anything to say about all this. Lucas agrees that David has been highly disrespectful, so Jo takes her leather jacket and her dog tags and attempts to have conversation number two with David. David does his usual routine of steering the conversation and talking over everyone else and then finally Jo plays her trump card. “I think we should just be friends.” OMG, I almost just died laughing! Jo pulled out her dismissal line in the middle of Pre-Elimination Party Time! As David begins to respond, Blonde Bangs marches in as if on cue and announces that he needs to back his bags and get out of here. On his way out of the room David warns Jo that if Slade is the type of guy she wants to mess with, she’s on her own. Oh, you mean she’ll have to do it without your expertise, David? Sob.

"I've done all I can here."

David storms out into the front yard making a big scene about telling the cameras not to film him, which could only mean that he wants to be filmed until the last possible second. He tells us that Jo isn’t all that and that she is just in and out of his life and he’ll keep right on ticking. Oh good, I was worried for a minute about what your next move was going to be, David. Thank you for putting my mind at ease. Blonde Bangs tells the rest of the guys that David is gone and they all look down at their shoes while taking quiet sips of their drinks. Let’s get to the elimination ceremony!

Jo comes to chat with Slade and she thanks him for always having her back when guys try to disrespect her. Now onto this week’s guys! Rameil was a huge cheeseball, and her most memorable date was surfing. Chuck, however was very comfortable and romantic, but Slade warns her that Chuck is quiet and they don’t know much about him. Oh no, what could be worse than that? The second date guys gather in their room to do their usual speculating.

The new guys line up outside for Blonde Bangs to recap their dates, and then it’s Jo’s turn to talk. Jo, per usual, tells every guy his pros and cons. Rameil treated her like a princess, but he’s all about a life she left behind in Orange County. Peter taught her how to surf and she loves that he’s tan, but she doesn’t know if the surfer life is for her. Chuck is affectionate and comfortable, but he’s traditional, whereas Jo is very modern and trendy. And the first to be rejected is… Rameil. Jo thinks they should just be friends. Rameil is fine with that because Jo’s girlfriends are really cute and he’d like to hang out with them some more. And next to be dismissed is… Peter! Jo wants a second date with Chuck, so take that, Peter! You and Jo should just be friends. Peter says he’s going to go home and have a tantrum, throwing stuff all around his room, but he’ll be fine by tomorrow morning. We all will, Peter. Blonde Bangs congratulates all the guys for making it this far. Slade tells Jo to take a look around because one of these remaining four guys might be her next boyfriend. Wow, that is such a huge deal!

"I'll fill your prescription, Jo."

Next week Jo takes the guys on a road trip and kisses everyone. Then it looks like she tells Slade to take off. It can’t be! How can I make it until Monday to find out what that is all about? I’ll never sleep!

So, are you all glad to see David go, or could you care less? What do you think is in store for the long-awaited second dates???

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta