Jersey Shore: Where My Guidos At?

"Here we are! Who wants an STD?"

Greetings beloved readers! I am back after a very brief hiatus to take a good look at the latest pile of trash masquerading as a documentary that MTV has seen fit to present - Jersey Shore.

I must start out with a disclaimer. I have never been to New Jersey. I have visited Manhattan, but that is the closest I have come to the Jersey Shore, so I have no firsthand experience with the Jersey Shore social scene, party scene, vacation scene or any of the above. Do I think that this lovely MTV project is an accurate representation of all people from New Jersey or New York? Of course not. Do I think it is an accurate representation of all people who spend time on the Jersey Shore? Of course not. Do I think it is an accurate representation of all people of Italian American descent? Of course not. Do I think it is a deliberate selection of super trashy people who are prone to being belligerent, offensive and completely without self-awareness? Yes I do - which is why I tune in. My own experience in the trashy club scene comes from the opposite end of our great nation... Hollywood. I am very well versed in the local douchebaggery of the left coast and will draw most of my own comparisons from said experience, but that will reflect only my experience, so take it for what it is. Let's do this!

First I thought I would start off with a little research to prepare myself for what I am about to become involved in, so I did a quick search on urbandictionary.com. The previews for Jersey Shore showed cast members describing themselves as "guidos" and "guidettes" so these are their own terms and I am merely going along with the crowd when using them. Here are the definitions I find most useful:

Guido: an Italian American man usually residing in New York or New Jersey. He wears shirts that are too tight and unbuttoned 5 buttons too low to show off the chest that he spent hours and hours at the gym obtaining, he spends more time on his hair than his girlfriend, and continues to "hit the clubs" long into his mid to late 30's. Often attracted to the female version of himself, the guidette.

Guido Case Study

Guidette: Female counterpart to the Guido, meaning vapid, vain, and shortsighted. Located largely in the tri-state area or wherever there is a high density of Italian families. Can be spotted generally according to lack of clothing, and lack of breathability in said clothing. Often speaks in a high, shrill voice---almost like a mating call to attract guidos. Daily life consists of clubbing, tanning, shopping, perhaps exercise or work, and not a whole lot else.

Guidette Case Study

Interestingly, our fine cast seems quite proud to call themselves "guidos" and "guidettes." Every last one of them seems particularly pleased with him/herself and quite convinced that most others are jealous of them. See what I mean about lack of self-awareness? Right off various cast members explain to us that many young people pool their money and rent houses on the Jersey Shore during summer for the purposes of partying and hooking up. Our new series will be such an arrangement, with the exception, of course, that MTV is paying for the house. We take a trip around the tri-state area to round up our housemates. First we meet Pauly D. in Johnston, Rhode Island (which I guess is not technically the tri-state area, but whatevs.)

"Seriously. How jealous are you of my hair?"

He tells us how proud he is to be a guido, which to him means representing a lifestyle of Italian family. To prove how serious he is, he shows us the tanning bed he has purchased for his home and the 600 gallons of hair gel he has on-hand to spike up his hair like a Gotti child. He packs an entire duffel bag with nothing but hair gel so apparently there is no hair gel available for purchase at the Jersey Shore - or at least this is what Pauly D fears. Pauly D is a DJ and you know he doesn't mean to take other guys' girlfriends, but it happens constantly nonetheless. Hmm, so guidettes are also very loyal then.

Next stop, Poughkeepsie, New York, where an orange girl with a massive hair bump screams into our faces, "I'm going to the Jersey Shore, bitch!" This charmer is Nicole, aka Snooki. Snooki tells us that her DREAM is to move to Jersey, marry a juiced hot guy and live her life. Soooo... get married and chill? Sounds good to me! But wouldn't that kind of put a damper on the partying?

"Hell no, I'll party with six babies hanging off me... bitch!"

Turns out Snooki is about 4' 8", which she says doesn't matter as she walks down the street in ho gear screaming out that she's looking for a tan guy with muscles. Whatever works, dear.

And on to Manalapan, New Jersey to meet Mike, aka "The Situation." Sorry, but I'm not referring to ANYONE as "The Situation." I'll think of a suitable alternative as we move along. For now "Mike" tells us that his abs are so ripped that they are called "The Situation." I guess by him.

"The current 'situation' is that my gym membership just went platinum."

Mike explains that he looks in the mirror in the morning and due to his extreme good looks can tell it will be a good day. Most days, it seems, are spent by Mike with his shirt pulled up over his head so that girls can view his abdominal muscles. This shirt-over-the-head may account for his constant positive mirror affirmations as he is only peering into the outside of whatever wife beater he's wearing at the moment. He goes on to say that he works out five days a week and that if he were to see himself out and about he would grab his girlfriend quick. Ok, deluded much?

Now it's Hazlet, New Jersey to grab Sammi "Sweetheart" for our next housemate. She says she's the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet, but don't f with her, m'kay? She's not looking for Mr. Right, but she is looking to break a lot of hearts and hook up with a lot of guidos - in fact, her main mission on any night is to find the hottest guido and take him home. Gee that must feel like an accomplishment - these guys seem pretty hard to get.

A typical afternoon from 3 to 6:30 PM.

She's packing up some booty shorts, caking on the makeup and showing us her clip-in hair extensions. Take a number boys! There's only so much class to go around.

And here we are in Staten Island, which, from what I've read on the inter-highway is the home of many Jersey Shore summer guidos. We are here to meet Vinny, who is sitting at a table PILED with spaghetti and surrounded by a million Italian family members. Well as long as we're not perpetuating stereotypes or anything. Vinny proudly tells us that his mom cooks and cleans for him - what a lucky girl who marries this one and gets to take over those duties.

See what you have to live up to ladies?

He says that the guys who spike their hair, have fake tans and wear lip gloss are not real guidos - he is. I'm sure your new housemates would beg to differ, Vinny. He explains that he went to college, but still loves to party. And to illustrate that he pumps his fist in the air wildly, showcasing enormous pit stains. This gets better and better. Vinny's mom cries as he gets in the car - she's created a monster; she must be so proud.

Let's island hop over to Long Island and meet Jenni, or "Jwoww," as she calls herself. Can you guess why? Because she's so incredibly beautiful, of course! She announces that if you don't know her, you hate her and long to be her. Ha ha ha ha ha! That's a good one as she poses like a total skank on top of a motorcycle for a photographer. Oh, if only! Did you also know that she is a praying mantis and will rip a guy's head off after she has sex with him? Charming.

Oh man - I just wish I were this girl! My hair is far too monochromatic.

Jenni has an enormous fake rack, skunk hair and prides herself on tormenting guys who would like to have relationships with her. She has a boyfriend, but plans to behave like a kid in a candy store during this Jersey Shore experience. That's nice.

In the Bronx we meet Ronnie who introduces himself with his number one rule, which is never fall in love at the Jersey Shore because everyone knows you are just there to get laid. He just takes his shirt off and the girls come to him like flies to poop - his words (sanitized). And yes, he is the poop in this scenario.

"Waddya gonna do about it?"

Ronnie is one of those guys whose muscles are so big he starts looking chunky. Me no likey. He packs a bottle of protein shake mix that is as big as his torso. How long are they going to be staying for crying out loud?

And back to Staten Island to pick up our final partier, Angelina. Angelina claims to be the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island. So she has a sex tape? She says she's all natural with real boobs and a nice fat ass. Now see, where I'm from girls don't want a fat ass. Maybe there IS something to this Jersey Shore business. She, like Ronnie, does not need to go after the opposite sex because they automatically come to her. I'm sensing some common themes here. Angelina also has a boyfriend and considers this experience to be a test of their relationship. I have one guess as to the results of this test. She is ready to show her new housemates what it means to be a guidette.

"First I'll burn all the Buns of Steel tapes."

Let's now head over to Seaside Heights, New Jersey, our new home for the summer. Here is our house:

Uh, really?

It's no Laguna Beach palace, but I suppose it will do for storing alcohol and condoms. There are animal print bedspreads and a metallic couch. Also, the garage door is painted like an Italian flag. They are proud of their heritage, you see. Mike and Pauly D arrive first and decide that they will be roommates and try to persuade a girl to room with them as well. The first girl through the door is Sammi Sweetheart, so they immediately launch their roommate campaign on her. Mike is instantly smitten by Sammi's purple tiger print tank top and black spandex booty shorts. Sammi is likewise impressed with both Mike and Pauly D with their orange tans and big muscles. With all the love already in the house these three decide to be roommates, how special.

Vinny arrives next and decides that he expected a girl hotter than Sammi, but he's happy with the guys. He is down to put his stuff in a room that he will share, depending on whether or not he likes the look of the next arrival. If so he will share a room, and if not he will take the bed that is secluded. Next to pull up is Jwoww and Vinny spots the skunk hair and dashes inside to haul his luggage to the secluded bed, LOL. He says he can tell she's high maintenance. Meaning what, she may resist cooking and cleaning for you? Snooki bounces in and asks for alcohol. She can barely reach her shot glass on the bar.

"Is there a step-stool for shots?"

Ronnie strides in and announces that the only way the situation could be better is if there were a stripper pole in the middle of the room. All three of the girls swoon. The last arrival is Angelina, who has her clothes in garbage bags instead of suitcases, which Pauly D can't resist commenting on. I mean, this is supposed to be an upscale operation, right?

It's time to receive our first guest! This guy's name is Danny and he comes in to announce that he will be the landlord of the shore house and the housemates' boss for the summer. In order to live in the house they will have to work in his t-shirt shop on the beach. Not one of the housemates is happy to hear this news. There are many rules to being employed, like you can't be drunk or late, what the flip? Someone just snuffed out the flames of this party. Or did he?

Meet the Enemy of Fun.

Snooki has apparently had at least two shots and it looks like her undersized frame can barely handle it because she's already stumbling around the kitchen slurring about how much she loves everyone. When all the roommates begin not-subtly giggling at her she stomps upstairs to the roof/patio and starts talking to herself (or to us through the camera) very loudly. She's pacing around complaining that no one understands her and it's not fair. Meanwhile the rest of the roommates have come up to the roof/patio and carried on with their first night festivities. The boys decide to try out the rooftop hot tub but I guess the girls are worried about messing up their clip-on extensions. But before the guys can get lonely Snooki has stripped down to her bra and thong and joined them. Angelina is appalled, saying you should at least wear a thong bikini, which is "more classier, if you're going to wear anything at all." Right, that's much more demure Angelina, good call. Snooki attempts to mount each of the guys, but is universally rejected, which actually surprises me a little. I guess they're not as drunk as she is and call her sloppy and stereotypical, which will be really funny later when we see all of them at their drunkest.

Well Snooki's had it and she passes out on a hammock while everyone else goes for a walk to check out the new neighborhood - specifically a carnival-type pier area. While they throw darts Snooki wakes up and becomes very disoriented on finding herself alone, so she decides to call her dad on the duck phone that some production assistant stole from the old Silver Spoons prop warehouse. Why would you call your father while you're wasted? It doesn't really work anyway because every time he says hello she accidentally hangs up on him.

"Is this the button to take a picture?"

The plot thickens as Jwoww's boyfriend chimes in on call waiting and Snooki can't even set the phone down without causing it to quack. She keeps padding through the house in her slippers, hoping that this time one of her housemates will turn up, all the while very confused and distressed by the quacking phone.

And over at the pier Mike is getting friendly with Sammi Sweetheart. He's grabbing her hand, trying to be cuddly, and the other roomies start talking about how these two will probably hook up. Aren't you thinking they'll all probably hook up with everyone at this point? I mean it seems like that's the only goal, so why not? Mike claims to not know who grabbed who... likely story.

The current 'situation' looks fairly promising.

They wander back to the house and Snooki announces that Jwoww's boyfriend called. The house guidos are scandalized. How dare she not mention she has a boyfriend? But Pauly D bucks up, saying he will help her forget her boyfriend. Oh I'm sure that's already happened.

The next morning Snooki wakes up feeling shredded and can't remember what happened last night, which she tells us is the story of her life. Wow if I had that life story I'd certainly put it on TV! She implores one of the girls to hold her hair back while she pukes, but alas, she is left to her own hair clips. The other roomies decide to leave her and head off to the t-shirt shop for orientation. Vinny very sternly tells the camera that he can't be responsible for a grown woman who knows her work schedule - he's no one's parent. I find that highly amusing coming from the grown man whose mom still cuts his meat at the dinner table. Self awareness, people. It's more valuable than you'd think.

When Snooki finally pulls her head out of the toilet and shuffles over to the shop on the beach, Danny immediately takes her outside for a talking-to. He tells her that this is her freebie and after this if she's late again she's fired. Then he sends her home. Later Snooki wants to know why none of the roomies seem to like her. Sammi takes a moment alone with the camera to trash talk Snookie, saying she wants "nothing to do wid her." She doesn't have time for stupid bimbos you see. That's why she's here on this show - to put as much distance as possible between herself and the stupid bimbos of the world.

Later the group starts cooking dinner and it cracks me up that not one of these Italians knows how to peel garlic. Peel garlic! Well I'm surprised they can part their hair, so maybe peeling garlic is a stretch. As they sit down to eat an Italian meal with no garlic (or maybe they just threw it in - peel and all) Vinny offers to say grace like a good Italian Catholic boy. However, he can't get through one sentence without giggling, and here is where Jwoww gets on a high horse, announcing that you can't make a joke out of grace. Out of your body? Yes. Out of your boyfriend? Sure. But she draws the line at grace. Snooki takes this opportunity to apologize for making a fool out of herself the night before, to which all the roomies applaud.

"And we're looking into a step ladder for you."

Later we have a charming scene of Mike and Pauly D on the rooftop patio "fishing," which Pauly D explains is casting a line down to the girls on the street and seeing what comes back. CLASSY! One of my girlfriends and I have discussed this very fishing theory at length when we see guys behaving like idiots - we even called it fishing. Like, do they just desperately try any means possible to get a girl's attention, hoping that eventually something will work with some girl? Apparently the answer is yes, and here is Pauly D even calling it fishing! No shame, I tell you. And I bet it wins them the attention of some real gems. They convince a group of girls (who look like quite the challenge) to come up to the roof and go in the hot tub.

"Wanna see our boobies first?"

Ronnie announces that the female housemates are going to be extremely upset with this, which is hilarious because it's true, yet the girls would do the exact same thing if given the opportunity. My theory is that people who aren't getting any are always annoyed with people who are - even if the circumstance only lasts five minutes.

So it turns out that none of the street girls have bathing suits, how fortunate. They waste no time stripping right down to nothing but their bras and hopping into the hot tub with Vinny, Pauly D and Mike. Angelina and Sammi want to go up to the roof and watch the scene unfold, but Ronnie tells them to just leave it alone. Well, that would be the classy thing to do so of course Angelina and Sammi tear right up the stairs to have a good look. When Mike sees Sammi he continues his hot tub escapade with one eye on the floating boobies and the other eye on Sammi to see if she cares enough to have a reaction.

After the hot tub orgy calms down, the guys come into the house where Angelina, Sammi and now Jwoww are waiting to pounce. They'd never pull three douchebags off the street and bring them into the house to disrespect the guys (yeah right!), so the guys should not be bringing in skanks. Of course the guys are totally defensive - they are here to have fun, to play, what do the girls expect, etc. And as they dink around one of the street girls walks through the front door wondering what is taking the guys so long. All three of the house girls order her directly back out onto the street, so she closes the door calling, "bitches!" This is just silly. But even sillier is the fact that Snooki is lying in her bed listening to all this thinking that the roommates are still talking about her hot tub antics from the night before. She yanks out her suitcases from under her bed and starts packing.

"You think you're getting a piece of this after kissing THOSE skanks?"

The fight eventually shifts to why Mike would act like he's into Sammi and then go to town with some random ho's in the hot tub. Mike tells the camera he doesn't care because he can have his pick of any girl down here. Well that's probably true, but it certainly isn't saying much, especially after witnessing tonight's social activities.

Snooki calls her dad, saying she wants to come home and she's done with the Jersey Shore. While she packs her fellow guidettes come in to try to convince her to stay. Then Angelina offers her a garbage back to help her pack. Just kidding. They need her, they want her, please stay. I think we can all guess how this ends. Like she's really going home on night number two, come on.

Okay, I'm taking a look at this recap and it's getting pretty long, so I'm going to stop here and do a separate recap for hour two, which is actually episode two according to mtv.com. Stay tuned for the exciting continuation of our Jersey Shore premiere!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta