Monday, August 30, 2010

Jersey Shore: War Stories

Writer of THE NOTE.

Oh boy, so here we go back to Jersey Shore, aka the Sammi/Ronnie show. I was over these two and their pathetic antics about three episodes into season 1, but here we are on episode 5 of season 2 still having the same fight. The editors need to shift focus ASAP or they’re gonna lose a whole bunch of viewers. So as you can see, I’m really tired of writing about Sammi and Ronnie’s fight... again, so I’m going to tell you what ELSE happened on this episode and leave it at that. Hopefully we can all move on. Here we go!

This episode is titled “The Letter,” which is an offshoot of Sammi and Ronnie’s fight so I’ll go there since it involves the rest of the house. Here is my theory about Jwoww and Snooki and their undercover project: They wrote an anonymous letter to AVOID an uncomfortable confrontation, either with Sammi or with Ronnie. In actuality, all the letter accomplished was to POSTPONE an uncomfortable confrontation, along with making it 100 times worse than it would have been if they had just spoken up in the first place. This is a tactic highly popular among males. They avoid the awkward conversation with a girl thinking they’re saving themselves, when in reality all it does is make the girl even madder and the conversation goes from awkward to ferocious. We’ve all been there, right ladies? Anyway, Jwoww and Snooki are very misguided in this little adventure. The truth will obviously come out and they’ll be in much deeper sh*t with both Sammi AND Ronnie for dancing around everything.

But onto more important matters like Jwoww’s fake boobs. She’s standing at the mirror squeezing them together and wishing they would stay squeezed together without her hands. But alas, every time she lets go they move about a centimeter. They’re still suspended in mid-air, mind you, but there is a small ravine between them. She keeps pushing them together and saying, “Like that,” but they don’t stay.

"Damn sternum."

I’m sure she doesn’t want to be bothered with wearing a bra that would push them together, but I bet her plastic surgeon would be happy to suture them together for price. Why the heck not?

It’s gay pride week in Miami and Jwoww and Snooki are off to a gay club to be admired. They quickly find a couple of guys who are happy to dance, drink and tell Jwoww how hot she is. Ah, the gay shot-in-the-arm to the self-esteem. There’s nothing quite like a guy telling you how great your makeup looks.

Especially through your tranny sunglasses.

Of course our guidos have no interest in gay pride week and are busy at Klutch seeing what they can round up for the evening. Sitch’s shirt is up around his neck and Pauly D is doing reconnaissance. Apparently it’s a good night because Sitch tells us, “I’m hookin’ up wid this girl, your girl’s girl, and her girlfriend’s girlfriend’s girlfriend. Someone’s gotta do it.” Indeed.

The Situation takes a ready-made prisoner.

Snooki comes home and decides this would be a perfect time to drunk dial Emilio. Or as she says to the camera, give him a second chance. As soon as she mentions that there were guys in the picture this evening, Emilio is pissed. Gay or not, Snooki is not allowed to be out with guys. Jwoww’s nearly unconscious on the couch and she mumbles, “Tell im it’s gay parade week... end.” LOL. Snooki tries to explain to Emilio that gay guys are into other GUYS and this sends Emilio over the edge. He doesn’t want to hear about gay guys making out, for pete’s sake! Snooki goes off on him, saying she’s not herself when she’s out at clubs because she misses Emilio, but he’s now blown his second chance and it’s over. She slams down the phone while he tells her he doesn’t miss her. Oh Emilio.

"This is why I'm a lesbian. Honestly."

He calls right back, but Snooki just picks up the receiver and drops it back down. Take notes, Sammi. This is how you end things with a guy. You actually stop talking to him.

Let’s check in on Sitchy D! They’ve got Vinny with them tonight, but only manage to convince two young ladies to escort them back to the house. Sitch very astutely tells us that the numbers don’t add up and someone will be left out. But just as they walk the twosome into the house ANOTHER twosome of ladies shows up at the door yelling, “Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike!” These are evidently Sitch’s backup plan. He’s super excited because this presents him with a girl puzzle and he loves these. Now there is one extra girl instead of one extra guy, but luckily the extra girl is a hippopotamus so the guys don’t need to worry about who will sleep with her. This is the closest these guys will ever get to being in a battle so they make the most of it and use their military terminology. Sitch tells us very carefully that in this situation you have to separate the two sets of girls and then you have to separate the good looking girl from the hippo. This will require much strategy and maneuvering. Sitchy D manages to arrange it so that there are two bedrooms on different ends of the house and each of those bedrooms contains two girls.

Spoils of war.

Then the three guys convene in the living room for the battle plan. Vinny states the mission: we have to take 3, one for each of us and the grenade is just going to sleep... or something like that. Luckily Sitch is willing to go out to the front lines by himself, sparing his buddies. He selflessly instructs Pauly D and Vinny to go into the bedroom with the two hot girls and help themselves. He will take on the dangerous task of entering the other bedroom, extracting the hot girl, and leaving the grenade to blow up by herself. I smell a Medal of Honor in someone’s future if this works. The guys all shake hands and wish each other well, then trade letters to their parents in case one or more of them doesn’t make it.

"See you in the trenches."

Sitch very bravely enters the danger room and approaches the grenade, which turns out to be a dud who only wants to sleep anyway. So he takes “Kristine, or Kristen, whatever her name was,” into the smoosh room to take care of bidness. So each of our soldiers has success on tonight’s battlefield. And three ladies walk away with a little less dignity and a lot more STDs. At least they got to be on TV. It’s slightly interesting to me that NONE of them cared which one they end up sleeping with. Vinny high fives Jwoww as he walks past her, then says, “I don’t know if you want to touch that hand.” GROSS!

"My hand now has HPV."

The guys are ready to start their day so they get dressed up in their Jersey wife-beater / sweatpants uniforms and head out for GTL, minus the G today, leaving behind instructions for Angelina to clean. It seems that she hasn’t been pulling her weight in the sanitation category of the house. Angelina, however, is busy. She has ten thousand phone calls to make to let everyone in the tri-state area know that she is bored in Miami. The guys get home to see that nothing has been accomplished so they yell to Angelina to get off the phone and clean, to which she responds (at the top of her lungs) that she doesn’t give a f--- and to shut up.

"And whaddya gonna do about it? I'm bored!!!"

Sitch tells her she’s excluded from dinner if she won’t clean. She gets up and screams, “Say please! Say please!” So Sitch goes, “PLEASE hit the f-ing treadmill! PLEASE!” Ha ha ha! Oh, I mean, low blow.

Snooki and Jwoww are on a walk to blow off steam about Emilio. How is it that Jwoww is becoming my fave? She hugs Snooki while she cries about losing her gorilla juicehead and Jwoww tells us that if anyone deserves a good guy it’s Snooki. Of course, they keep it Jersey, though, by standing in front of an intersection to hug it out. Brilliant.

Think this will stop traffic?

Later the guys are making dinner while Angelina pouts. Seriously, she just sits on the couch with her arms folded glaring. Sitch says he was only trying to prove a point and would never actually exclude her. Um, why not, exactly? When she deigns to walk through the kitchen Sitch tries to apologize but she cuts him off, saying she doesn’t like how he talks to her.

"If you'd just work out sometimes, guys would stop calling you a grenade."

After more yelling they get it all settled and Angelina gets to eat dinner with the family, what a relief. But all is not well at dinner as Snooki is down in the dumps over Emilio. Pauly D says to give him his social security number and he’ll have him taken care of. I guess by having some hit man steal his identity, I don’t know. On the bright side, Snooki is ready to party like the old times. Sitch offers her his vanilla ice cream for dessert, which, NASTY.

Later Snooki gathers up all of the pictures she has of Emilio and takes them outside to burn.

"That jerkoff is giving me BACK my air brush tanner."

The entire household joins her to show their support. Well actually to get a bucket of water so that Snooki doesn’t accidentally burn their house down. You know she would if left on her own. The moral of this scene is that Snooki learns a new word: sympathetic.

It looks like it’s time to plant the anonymous letter. Oh goody this should be not exciting at all. Jwoww puts it in one of the see-through plastic drawers next to Sammi’s bed.

The next day Sitch, Snooki and Jwoww have to work at the gelato shop and Snooki and Jwoww are glad to get out of there because they were up all night worrying about the stupid note. And sure enough, between clipping in her extensions and outlining her eyes in black Sammi opens her drawer and finds the note. After sounding out all of the words she marches out into the kitchen to confront each of the guys one at a time to see if they know anything about the note or what it says. Surprise, surprise Vinny and Pauly D deny knowing anything.

Snooki and Jwoww are having anxiety attacks over at the gelato shop imagining Sammi finding the note. At home Vinny pantomimes to Ronnie that Sam received a tell-all note.

"One word, one syllable. F---ed."

Ronnie’s mostly mad that the note is anonymous because it means someone can’t man up. Funny, when it comes to HIM manning up the story changes completely. He has Sammi show him the note, thinking it’s either from Jwoww or Snooki until he sees the word “wisely” and eliminates Snooki. Hmm, I thought the use of “breasts” was supposed to throw everyone off. So what happens next is: Sammi and Ronnie have their same fight. Sammi says they’re done.

Ronnie tries throwing his weight around to frighten a confession out of someone about writing the letter. It doesn’t work. Just to be safe, Angelina wears her sunglasses.

"If I don't move I'm invisible."

Sammi and Ronnie fight again. Sammi says they’re done.

"Let's buy a house together."

Jwoww can’t stand the suspense anymore and calls the house to talk to Angelina, but SAMMI answers... and immediately asks about the note. Jwoww’s like, “Nnnnnooooo... I didn’t do anything.” Snooki does the same. They tell Sitch about the note that Sammi found and he’s the first one to see all the humor in the situation. At home Sitch reads the note out loud and cracks up. Sammi’s like, “Why would you laugh?” Sitch goes, “Multiple fat women? I mean it’s the truth.” HA! He’s the only one being honest about it and for some reason that’s hilarious.

"If it's in the note, it's true to be honest with you."

Sammi’s only concern - still - is finding out who wrote the note. Ugh. Jwoww whispers to Snooki, “If they end up back together then she looks like the dumbest bitch.” Like THAT’S going to happen. Oh wait, it most certainly is.

Excellent poker face, Snooks.

Ronnie’s pretty sure Snooki and Jwoww wrote the note so he’s giving them the silent treatment. We’ll see if they even notice. Guess what. Sammi and Ronnie fight again. Sammi says they’re done.

"Let's get married."

This time Ronnie decides to react and he frantically searches for his notebook ‘o phone numbers and calls some girl back home to talk suggestively within earshot of Sammi. Sammi starts angrily putting her shoes on and I think she’s going to leave. Good for her. Oh wait, all she does is go to Ronnie and demand to know who he’s talking to. Way to take a stand Sammi. More of The Fight. Sammi says they’re done.

Next week - Sammi and Jwoww throw down! I’m so excited. See you then!

You guys hanging in there?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Jersey Shore: Stormclouds Gather

Standoff of the orange tans.

Welcome back, beloved readers! According to the recaps of what we’ve previously seen on Jersey Shore, it looks like this is going to be a Ronnie/Sammi centered episode. Get ready for some serious déjà vu, some clip-in extensions, and some steroid-fueled mood swings. Can you handle it? We shall see!

We begin with more footage of Ronnie getting with ho’s out at the local Miami social establishments. He’s wearing a gleaming white baseball cap perched sideways way up above his forehead, so I’m thinking what woman could possibly resist? Sitch goes between looking on with a “tsk, tsk” expression and informing Ronnie with guido sign language that he is, indeed, in the IFF. To us he says that Sam is getting punk’d. Oooh, MTV cross-promotion.

"Yo, let me borrow your hat for a while. It's a slow night."

Snooki and Jwoww are on their way home from an innocent outing to a tapas bar when they notice a store that sells only white clothing. Snooki is charmed as this seems very “Miami,” but wonders what a girl is to do when she gets her period and ruins her white clothing. But on to more important matters! She needs to get home and call Emilio, with whom she hasn’t spoken in a couple of days. When he picks up he’s obviously out enjoying a social life of his own and can’t hear her over the noise of whatever club he’s in. Snooki’s like, “Ew, what are you doing?” She implores him to go outside where he can hear her, but he screams at her that he doesn’t have to, there are half-naked girls everywhere, and he’s out... peace. Uh oh. Looks like there’s trouble in gorilla juicehead paradise. Snooki slams down the phone screaming in exasperation then walks away mumbling about Emilio catching an STD. To us she says that guys are all douchebags who don’t know how to deal with women and that this particular phenomenon explains the rising rate of lesbians in this country.

"Because with girls there's no emotional baggage. It's way easier."

HA! That’s awesome. One of my good friends one time got so fed up with dealing with guys that she asked me if I thought there were camps that existed to deprogram you from being heterosexual. Snooki? What do you think?

Snooki storms to her bedroom where Sammi is still pouting and tells her what happened with Emilio. Sammi’s like, “Yeah that sucks. Do you think Ronnie is totally effing with me?” Thanks for your support there, Sammi. She tries to pump Snooki and Jwoww for information about Ronnie but they are still keeping their mouths shut. They advise her to stay single, but won’t rat out Ronnie. Sammi keeps saying that she would be upset if they knew anything and didn’t tell her. They just keep blinking and looking at their feet.

This is going to be the topic of the entire episode. The question before the house is: Do we tell Sammi what we know, or do we stay out of it? I know that there were lots of approaches and opinions discussed in the comments about how to handle a situation like this, but Snooki and Jwoww are quite tormented. Too bad they couldn’t have logged on back when this was being taped and gotten some advice. So anyway they’re stewing out on the patio about what to do and Sammi marches out furious that it’s four in the morning and Ronnie told her he’d only be gone for an hour. She wants the girls to find out for her what happened but they’re still pretty evasive. Sammi’s only recourse is to march back inside and write on the chalkboard “Never fall in love in Miami.” Oh Sammi, that’ll teach him. Good thinking.

Meanwhile the phone rings and who would it be but Snooki’s loving boyfriend Emilio, of course calling to apologize to her for hanging up on her earlier, right? Wrong. Here is what he called to tell her:


He insists that he’s just trying to be honest with her and when Snooki gets riled up enough to yell at him to never call him again, he bursts out laughing, says he’s just kidding and that it’s all a joke. Snooki screams at him that she hopes he dies and he should never joke about that - all in much more colorful language, naturally. Jwoww and Sammi witness the whole thing and they are both scandalized. Seriously, what kind of thing is that to say to your girlfriend? Is he completely insane? The phone rings again and Jwoww picks it up and immediately says that she will call the cops or take the next flight to New York - but she’s cut off by Emilio asking “Is this voice mail?” This cracks Jwoww up and she hangs up. But don’t worry he calls right back, and this time she at first pretends to be an answering machine, but then gives the following speech:

“Let me explain something to you because we have about 20 f-ing beautiful six-foot-four guys outside our door. So while you’re f-ing the nasty bitches out there, I’m sure Nicole’s gonna get it in down here. All right? So at the end of the day you’re just a loser as it is, and you’re just a drunk skank with no job. So get it through your f-ing head, all right?” CLICK.

And she may just write on the chalkboard next!

Snooki’s like, “ooh, that was mean... but he deserved it.” That was pretty awesome. Soooo... Emilio doesn’t have a job? That might be the funniest part of all of this. He thought he’d hitch a ride on the Jersey Shore Express, but it backfired when he got drunk. To prove that she’s done with Emilio, Snooki picks up some of the flatware and shatters it all over the patio. Sammi joins her to get out some of her pent-up rage as well.

When the guys roll in empty-handed from their night on the prowl, they sense drama due to the broken plates on the patio. Good radar, guys. Snooki comes padding out in her slippers to tell them what happened with Emilio and Sammi’s ears prick up at the sound of Ronnie’s voice. She’s been waiting to pounce. When Ronnie doesn’t come to her she goes to him to get the age-old argument started. She didn’t go out so she could be with him, he doesn’t care, blah, blah, blah. Ronnie tells the camera that he’s pretty much over it and at this point it’s beating a dead horse. What Ronnie? I’m sorry, you totally just lost me there with your metaphor. Oh wait, he clarifies, “And if a horse is dead you gotta leave it alone.” OH! THAT’S what that saying means! I’ve often wondered. I’m so glad Ronnie was here to explain things to me.

"But sometimes it's a challenge to ride a dead horse, so there's that..."

Sammi tells him that she was testing him earlier when she said it was okay if he wanted to go out with the guys. Back to the camera Ronnie says, “I don’t like tests. That’s why I didn’t go to college.” LOL. It’s okay, Sammi. Keep fighting for that prize of a guido! Their fight continues as per usual, ending with Sammi swearing that - once again - it’s all over.

The next day our four guidettes head out to get some sushi. I’m pleasantly surprised to see that Sammi is joining in instead of spending another day pouting on her bed. But of course the entire conversation revolves around Sammi wanting to know if the other girls have seen Ronnie misbehaving and all of them looking at the ceiling and over their shoulders. Jwoww says sometimes she’s allergic to pecans. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Back at the house Sitch is once again attempting to prepare a house dinner. He says he wants to try again since Snooki sabotaged the last house dinner (you know, by opening the fridge). He takes a lid off of one of his stovetop pots and the entire thing falls off and crashes to the ground. And I don’t think Snooki is anywhere in the vicinity.

Not just the results of another night of partying.

Turns out it was the beginning of Pauly D’s homemade tomato sauce and now they will be reduced to using sauce from a jar. Awwww. Then Sitch goes to take something out of the refrigerator and a whole bunch of stuff falls out on him. Again, no Snooki. Somehow dinner eventually makes it onto the table and we have our first family meal. Sitch starts talking about Klutch, the club they went to last night, and Angelina pipes up, going, “The funniest part was when Ronnie was dancing with that blonde girl and...” complete silence.

"He'd neva do that to me."

Ronnie is frantically making the “cut it out” sign while Sammi looks around with a furrowed brow. Awkward!

"Could we just flag this whole scene, guys?"

After dinner they all decide to play “a bowl of questions” as Snooki calls it. Remember when they used to do this on the old school Real World? Such a set-up. I really can’t see this bunch coming up with this activity on their own. Unless it was set up as a drinking game. Even then, I doubt it. The girls, however, put their own Jersey spin on things by deciding that this would be the perfect time to dress up in lingerie. Angelina comes out in some tiny shiny black thing and Pauly D says it looks like a trash bag, like she’s dressed up in her luggage from last year!

With heavy duty drawstrings.

Vinny goes, “I think Victoria should have kept this one a secret.” Sexy fail for Angelina. Anyway the questions are like which two roommates would you have a threesome with? Sammi gets one that asks which guy in the house would take a dump on her chest? Oh my gosh, that is so wrong.

"There must have been cameras in the guest room last night!"

Then OF COURSE Angelina gets: Have you ever cheated on your boyfriend or girlfriend? Who saw that coming? Ronnie goes, “No. Well yeah. Everyone’s cheated before.” And we have another big awkward moment. Okay enough of this.

The guys all sit out on the patio and encourage Ronnie to keep doing what he’s doing and have a good time, but do it as a single man. He agrees, but then goes in and asks Sammi if she wants to come to bed with him. He SUCKS. She sits there on the couch with his head in her lap. Way to stay strong, Sammi.

The next day the guys do GTL and the girls try to pick a place to have dinner. No Sammi this time. I guess she’s back to pouting. The three other girls go over each of Ronnie’s transgressions and conclude that Sammi needs to know, but they’re going to tell her via an anonymous note. An intrigue! How exciting. Angelina tells us that she thinks Sam should know, but that even if she knows she’ll still go back to Ronnie, so whatever. That’s completely true. Then on the way home Angelina farts all over the other girls just in case anyone still thought she had a modicum of sexiness left.

It looks like tonight will be a roommate night out including everyone, so Ronnie is at the blender whipping up some pre-party Ron-Ron juice. Apparently he fumbles on the subtle balance of flavoring and spirits tonight because Jwoww almost gags on it, and everyone is telling him it’s way too strong.

And these people have never met a drink they didn't like.

Ronnie says no it’s not too strong and offers to chug an entire red plastic cup, at which the guys start asking who will be babysitting Ronnie tonight. Sammi is on high alert - she’s ready to see what goes on when she and Ronnie are “not together.” Time to hit the clubs!

For some reason Vinny is dressed up like Mr. Rogers for tonight’s dance party.

"Howdy, neighbor. Care for a square dance?"

Sammi starts pouting and Ronnie pulls her aside to argue, telling her to go have fun with her girls. Sammi keeps repeating, “Really?” I thought they broke up yesterday, but I guess this is par for the course with these two. They are always together AND broken up. Sammi ends the conversation with, “You will never find someone like me!” And I remember Snooki saying something along those lines to Emilio as well. Sorry ladies, but I’m afraid all these guys have to do is go to a club to find plenty of other girls JUST like you. Sammi tells us that in her head she wants to move on, but in her heart she doesn’t. The girls take her outside and try to comfort her, telling her they’re tired of seeing her like this. Close your eyes then, girls because this IS Sammi.

The guys decide it’s time to migrate to b.e.d. Oh, everyone but Ronnie, that is. So Sammi runs back toward the club to tell Ronnie where they’re going. Jwoww is starting to lose patience and tells Sammi she needs to make a decision. Sammi’s like, “I just have to make sure he’s okaaaaaaaay.” Why? He’s a grown man who’s managed to survive without you on many evenings. Anyway, as she reaches the club entrance she spots Ronnie hailing a cab and as she runs up to him to tell him who knows what he calmly gets in the cab, shuts the door and has the driver drive away. He never even looked at Sammi and now she’s standing there in the street like an idiot.

Traumatized.

She comes back to Jwoww and Snooki to announce that she’s done. For the four hundredth time today. In the cab Ronnie is quite pleased with himself. Like he won’t be right back up in Sammi’s face within the hour.

"I'm going to try to resuscitate that dead horse."

Over at b.e.d. Sammi actually looks like she’s doing okay because instead of running home to her bed she’s standing on a couch dancing with the girls. Baby steps. Ugh, but then Ronnie arrives and stumbles over to her to slur, “I haytch you soooo much because I loooooove you so muuuuuch!” He’s actually having trouble holding himself up and keeps lurching forward into her lap. Sammi decides it’s time to be Florence Nightingale and assists Ronnie outside so that she can take him home and nurse him back to life. As soon as she gets him to his bed he rips a huge fart. So romantic. He’s totes wasted and starts snoring pretty fast. When Snooki and Jwoww get home Sammi runs over to tell them that she’s going to take care of Ronnie but it DOESN’T mean they’re back together. It DOESN’T! Snooki and Jwoww are over it.

Ronnie somehow wakes up and falls out of bed. Then the vomiting begins. What was that you were saying about the strength of your juice again, Ronnie? So Sammi is right there comforting him while he vomits and then they cuddle on the couch. Ronnie tells her that at the end of the day they still love each other. I’d say at the end of the day they’re still masochistic codependent dysfunctional messes, but I guess that’s just semantics.

For a breath of hopefully fresh air we make a stop at the gelato shop where Vinny and Pauly D are scooping and Snooki is sitting at a desk somewhere observing. The boys are using this opportunity to hit on every single girl that comes through the door, regardless of looks, attitudes, clothing or creeds. Remember for them it’s a numbers game. They’re fishing. A couple of girls tell them they’re in the middle of law school finals, much to Vinny’s dismay.

"I can't believe you know the word 'technically.'"

He says he’s in Miami and he doesn’t want girls studying for finals he wants them studying for (I think he says “dick.”) Yes, careful Vinny. You definitely don’t want to risk hanging out with women who have brain cells. What a disaster that would lead to. Best to keep to the idiot skanks. One girl returns after walking out the door and Pauly D tells her there are no refunds. She says she doesn’t want a refund, she wants to give Pauly D her number.

"Call me if you want to be on my show Millionaire Matchmaker!"

When she leaves again Vinny goes, “Do we have a butterface flavor or what?” Pauly D goes, “She had summer teeth. Some are like this and some are like that.” Prince Charmings numbers 1 and 2, ladies and gentlemen. Get in line.

Okay here we go with Jwoww and Snooki to a cyber cafe to get this “anonymous” note written. FINALLY. They write the note in all caps and detail everything Ronnie has done behind Sammi’s back. Snooki tells us that Sammi will never figure out who it’s from because the note uses the word “breasts” while she and Jwoww always say “tits.” Is the CIA aware of these two and their extensive knowledge of code writing?

"She also doesn't know that we can turn on a computer. She'll never guess."

Sammi has rounded up Angelina to go out to dinner with her and sit through yet another interrogation on Ronnie’s behavior. She once again throws down a gauntlet, saying if anyone has information on Ronnie’s actions and doesn’t tell Sammi, they will never be her friend again. I really think Sammi is of the ilk referred to in the comments that would excommunicate not the cheating boyfriend, but the informant girlfriends. There has been no evidence to the contrary in any of her behavior. What to do? Maybe the anonymous note IS the best option. On the other hand, it may just lead to more endless interrogations. SOMEONE had to write it, so SOMEONE had to know.

Later the guys decide it’s time for yet another GTL excursion. It’s late at night so when they get to the laundromat the place is closed, much to their surprise. Miami must be a very classy town to refuse to have 24 hour laundromats. Maybe they could head back to the hood where Vinny got his haircut to see if there are some nocturnal establishments there.

All the girls arrive home to find only Vinny there and the rest of the guys gone. Sammi repeatedly asks Vinny where Ronnie went and he repeatedly doesn’t know. Jwoww and Snooki tell Angelina that they wrote the letter and to keep mum about knowing anything.

"And not even Sherlock Holmes could figure out it's from us."

Oh my gosh, she’s gonna figure out who wrote it! Like Pauly D sat down and typed out a letter? Come on! Angelina says she doesn’t want to be involved, but Snooki tells her they’re all involved. So we end the episode with Sammi still not getting the letter. Argh.

Next week! Sammi gets the letter - and it better not be in the final 30 seconds of the episode like this week. Also, Sitchy D are up to their old tricks by stashing different sets of girls around the house and trying to get with all of them without the girls figuring it out. I hope none of them went to law school!

So what did y’all think? Did you make it through this Ronnie/Sammi crapfest? What’s going to happen? Will the letter lead to the Jwoww/Sammi fight seen in the previews?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Jersey Shore: MVP in the MIA

When Vinny pulls out the pink, look out!

Let’s head back to Miami to play with our favorite guidos! It’s another staggering episode of Jersey Shore!

So where did we leave off? Oh yes, Angelina is tormenting Sitchy D because she would really appreciate it if Pauly D would remember that they once exchanged bodily fluids and it had a special meaning. Pauly D is of course totally over it and over Angelina, and after getting smacked in the face, he’s over being nice to her as well. He dares her to smack him again, but she’s so wasted she ends up just kind of jabbing him in the face. Let’s be honest, the first smack wasn’t even really a smack - it was more like an open palm push, but her intentions are pretty clear. While the three of them are out at the grill screaming at each other Jwoww is awakened from her post-party slumber and emerges to see what is going on.

"What's out there? Is it a dingo?"

Through the bushes she asks what’s happening and Pauly D yells that Angelina needs to leave the house. Jwoww tells us that Pauly D is the “nicest kid” so she’s very surprised to see him this upset. Sitch tattles to Jwoww that Angelina smacked Pauly three times, which Angelina promptly denies. Loves it. You’ve just been FILMED hitting someone and you stand there straight-faced saying you didn’t. In her (tiny) defense, however, she’s completely trashed. Pauly D is super irate that Angelina is up in his creepin business and Sitch is substantially annoyed that they paid for all of her drinks this evening, ha ha ha.

"Those Stoli shots didn't buy themselves, ya know!"

Jwoww is still keeping to her promise to beat Angelina’s ass when she sobers up, so she’s pretty much on the outs all the way around.

The next morning Vinny, Ronnie and Jwoww head off to work the first shift at the gelato shop. Jwoww is put out that she has to wear a t-shirt that covers her boobs. She thinks they can’t breathe unless they are mostly exposed. Mine must have asphyxiated years ago as I wear bras daily.

Maybe her earrings can fan some air down her cleavage.

Enzo teaches the gang how to scoop gelato, pour milk, wipe tables and chop fruit to go in the blender. And he’s very particular about the size and shape of the chunks going into the blender. I’ve been experimenting with smoothies lately and I’m no gelato shop owner in Miami, but I’m pretty sure they all wind up as pulp in the end. Enzo takes a special liking to Vinny and calls him Vicenzo (prounounced Vi-CHEN-zo) and they agree to speak Italian to each other. I hope Vinny doesn’t come down with pink eye again and destroy this beautiful relationship.

Back home Angelina is getting the major cold shoulder. Naturally she claims not to remember anything, likely story. Sitch tells her she was even worse than Ronnie was on their first night. Upon “learning” that she smacked Pauly D, she takes him into a bedroom and bursts into tears, saying she’s not comfortable here and that’s why she drank a lot. What can she do? Yeah, I don’t buy it. Maybe she’s a little hazy, but totally blacking out is questionable. She would have had a hard time standing upright if she was at blackout capacity. Let alone speaking clearly or actually making contact between her hand and Pauly D’s face. Pauly D tells her thanks for the apology, but she’s on her own from here on out.

"You're not getting another piece of this, neither."

They discuss what each of them is here to do and conclude that they both just want to “have fun.” Pauly D goes, “Unfortunately your fun conflicts with our fun.” Awww, not enough fun to go around I suppose. Well, not when Angelina’s definition of fun is cockblocking and Sitchy D’s definition is cashing in on their newfound glory. Pauly D uses one of his favorite phrases and tells Angelina to “do you.” He would like to leave it at that, but Angelina asks if she can have a “get out of jail free card” since she was drunk. Pauly D’s not having it. He thanks her for her apology but he’s clearly not ready to be buddies.

Later Vicenzo is becoming very worried about his hair. He tells us he has very thick Sicilian hair and so all he can do with it is get a tape up and a fade. I’m assuming he means getting it cut really short and tapered from the top down. I’m not sure because I have very fine Scandinavian hair - probably totes opposite of Vicenzo the Sicilian. I use volumizer and root booster, which maybe Pauly D would know about, but not Vinny. Anyway, Vicenzo says that going without a proper haircut would be like the other guys going without hair gel. He starts making calls to find a suitable barber shop. When he finds one Ronnie goes with him and Vinny tells us that they go to the hood because if a barber can handle a black person’s hair, then he can probably handle Vicenzo’s. I don’t appreciate the racist undertones of Vinny assuming that black people live in the hood. Ha ha. As they stroll along, Ronnie says that “they” are letting the pigeons go right now.

"There they go! They saw us!"

That is awesome. I was JUST watching Training Day and when Denzel Washington entered a particular neighborhood, the residents let off a swarm of pigeons as the signal that he was in the area. I love that Ronnie alluded to something. Very amusing. They arrive at Platinum Boyz Barber Shop (I swear) to see if the barbers here are up to the Sicilian Challenge. Both guys are nervous that they may not get an ideal haircut and very tense music plays as we flash quickly back and forth between their worried faces.

Because hair this length doesn't grow back in matter of days or anything.

Turns out, there was nothing to fear! The hallelujah chorus plays as both Ronnie and Vicenzo rejoice in their new hairdos. Vinny shows us his fade, saying, “They know how to do it in the hood!” Yay integration!

When Ronnie arrives home he shows Sammi his haircut, asks for a kiss and says he missed her all day. I guess they’re on for the moment. Sammi tells us she thinks that they’re single right now, but working on things and that Ronnie is really trying. Oh just wait.

"Wait, your eyelashes are coming off."

Sitch visits Angelina who is pouting in her bed (a trick she must have learned from Sammi) and he asks her if she’s okay. Sitch DOES seem like he has a soft spot, even if overall he comes across as completely clueless. He doesn’t want to see his friends hurting. He goes to the patio to talk to the other roommates and implore them to take in Angelina because she can’t spend this entire season doing GTL with the guys then ruining their game at night. He says they should forget the past and go forward. Jwoww says she just wants Angelina to admit that she talked crap about them and then she can move on. Sammi and Snooki just sit there blinking. Sitch goes back inside and invites Angelina to come out with all of them tonight, much to her surprise. She accepts and out comes the hairspray. Snooki gets all done up in what Vicenzo describes as “old Snook look” with a super tight leopard print dress and a super high poof of hair right above her forehead.

Still fitting like a really tight glove, Snooks.

Vicenzo is entranced and tells Snooki she looks hot and takes his breath away. Snooki asks if Vinny is trying to smoosh, but then tells him he looks hot too. In his pink button down. We flash to Pauly D shrugging his shoulders and saying, “Who knows?”

Out at the club Vicenzo is fixated on something else, and that something else is Jwoww’s rack. He tells us that her boobs defy gravity and that Albert Einstein should come back to rewrite his laws of physics based on Jwoww’s chest. It’s called silicone, Vinny. Don’t they have that in Sicily?

Her shirt isn't defying gravity either. It's called double-stick tape.

Meanwhile Snooki takes pity on Angelina because she remembers what it was like last season when she got off on the wrong foot with everyone. She takes Angelina aside and tells her that if she’ll just admit that she talked s*** then everyone will bring her in.

Your hair is really flat.

For once Angelina is receptive and admits immediately to Snooki that she said stuff about her. Snooki is actually totally cute about it, screams “Thank you!” and praises her for being honest. They hug it out. To us, Angelina says she was being the bigger person. Pshhh. You were backed into a corner, liar. Jwoww is next to hear Angelina’s admission and she’s sweet about it too. I DO like Jwoww more and more. She’s very entertaining and seems like a loyal friend. I am also really liking her new and improved non-skunk look.

Out on the dance floor, Vicenzo looks like he’s doing a square dance, but I’m sure that if we could hear the house music it would look much more like “beating up the beat” or “battling.” As it is, though, it just looks humorous.

Son of a gun we'll have big fun on the bayou!

And it looks like we have to pay attention to Sammi and Ronnie for a minute, crap. She tells us that they were having a fantastic night out until she looked over and noticed that Ronnie was wasted, which she doesn’t appreciate. Get used to disappointment, Sammi. It’s the Season 2 Ronnie. And he’s joining Vicenzo’s hillbilly hoe down. He tries to give Sammi a gyrating lap dance, but she’s not impressed. She’s even got her sunglasses on so we won’t know that it’s her getting the lap dance. Who’s fooled? Besides me, I mean.

Of all the things she's done on camera, this is where she draws the line?

Ronnie starts whining that Sammi is being a party pooper and she might as well go home and here we go again. Sammi’s like, “Fine, I’ll go!” she storms off and Ronnie turns his attention to the other young ladies in the club. She tells us she and Ronnie are through... again.

The girls go home with Sammi, where she tearily retires to her pouting corner. Oh wait, Snooki is still at the club and she’s watching Ronnie get his creep on. She asks Ronnie if he’s sure he wants to be acting like this and that he should have a line he doesn’t cross. Ronnie’s just like, “Whateva,” and goes back to the ho’s. Snooki asks Pauly D if she should tell Sammi and like a typical guy he just shrugs. Guys usually just want to stay out of stuff and girls are the opposite (in my experience). It’s funny that they are seeing the exact same thing, one thinks it’s none of his concern and the other thinks she owes it to her friend to fill her in.

"I do not like green eggs and ham."

Then Snooki makes the mistake of trying to reason with Drunk Ronnie and he pushes her away, so the guys grab him and tell him it’s time to go home.

At home Ronnie is stumbling around again, bragging about how successful he was with the ladies He even triumphantly pulls out a phone number he received: 786-985. Hmm, someone gave him a fake number. Most phone numbers have seven digits, but what does that matter to Ronnie right now? He falls down and then goes to sleep with Sammi again. She lets him. Sitch tells us that Sammi must have an idea of what’s going on but doesn’t want to believe it. Kind of like letting go of the tooth fairy.

"If you promise to leave two quarters and a candy bar under my pillow."

Elsewhere Vicenzo has passed out on the big round cushion chair next to the phone, which is getting in the way of Snooki drunk dialing her boyfriend and hicupping in his ear. Emilio picks up and tells her it’s six in the morning and she just keeps saying, “‘N I gotha hiccups,” while reaching over and grabbing Vinny, who thinks this is hilarious. Snooki screams into the phone when she accidentally knocks over the phone table and while Emilio is still talking on the other end she hangs up on him. Vinny gets up to go to bed and he tells Snooki to come sleep with him for companionship (for his privates). She asks him if he wants to do it with her and he says sure, but he’s barely conscious.

When he wakes up later he is horrified to discover Snooki in bed with him and wonders if they smooshed. It doesn’t look like it - Snooki’s still in her leopard print and poof. But that doesn’t stop the roommies from giving him crap. The other news around the house is that Ronnie and Sammi are in bed together and how ridiculous those two are. Jwoww is now on the Snooki bandwagon, wondering if they need to fill Sammi in on what Ronnie does after she leaves the clubs. She calls him a true pig. Word. Sammi’s an idiot, though, for letting him into bed. The disastrous duo has to work a shift together at the gelato shop today. Ronnie helps Sammi tell the difference between passionfruit and mango and then hugs her and calls her his girlfriend. Sammi rejoices. Whatevs. Let’s move on.

At home everyone is discussing their options for the evening’s activities. The girls are wanting to go play pool somewhere but the guys are wanting to go to a club to creep. Pauly D gets totally wound up and excited when he puts on his red shoes, telling us this is how we know it’s serious. If I saw a guy in red shoes the last word that would come to my mind is “serious.”

Souvenirs from clown school?

They’re all in their “shirts before the shirt” and dub tonight an MVP night. Get it? Mike, Vicenzo, Pauly. Another guido-ism.

Checkin out the MVP. This must be the mirror-cam.

Vinny explains that they are the most valuable players in the MIA (Miami) supporting the GFF (grenade free foundation - what’s up with all of their foundations? Are they raising money here?). Angelina comes in and wants to participate in MVP night, which makes all of they guys groan. They tell her not to come and she thinks they’re messing with her and being funny. She is so clueless. She’s determined to come with them, so the second she looks away MVP tear out the door and into a cab without her. Mission accomplished! We get a shot of Angelina sitting at the pool place with the girls holding a pool cue and there are crickets chirping in the background. Ha ha ha!!!

Least valuable player.

Turns out it’s not such a good night for hotties at b.e.d. where the guys are hanging out. We are told, in fact, that there are grenades everywhere. Just as Vicenzo and Pauly D determine that they’ve never in their lives seen a club this badly stocked, they notice Sitch across the room trying to talk some girls into coming home with them.

Guasians?

Vinny says that even though they are in the Bronx Zoo Sitchy D are going to find whomever they can get to come back to the house, saying they would take home a stray dog if there were no girls left. This is how my sister is with shopping. I can do a quick once-over in a store and conclude that there’s nothing for me today, but my sister will sift through every single rack and round up the least ugly items to try on before leaving the store empty handed. Exactly how Sitchy D is with women. As Ronnie said last season, “I’m sure they’ll scrape something off the boardwalk to bring home.”

They manage to get a herd back to the house, out onto the patio and into the hot tub. Sitch tells us that at one point he remembers splashing water in his face and then noticing, “We’ve got grenades, man!” HA! Like this is the first time he’s actually seeing who they brought home.

"This? After all of my reconnaissance?"

Pauly D either still hasn’t noticed or doesn’t care because he is all entwined with his grenade, or as Sitch says, “One of the hyenas hypnotized him.”

Serenity now.

Then one of the girls sees a boob cutlet floating in the hot tub and no one knows what it is. Oh come on. The girls totally know what it is, but no one is fessing up. The guys play catch with it and Pauly D offers to grill it up. Sitch says after that they had to get rid of the girls, so they seriously hand them all towels and push them out the door. Thanks for playing!

Snooki and The Situation pull a shift at the gelato shop and there is a big problem. Snooki can’t see over the counter. For reals. She can’t see the customers and she can’t reach the gelato. Enzo brings her out a stool and schools her for an extended period of time on the art of scooping. Sitch decides that business is slow so he’s going to stand out in front of the shop shirtless and round up some customers. Ew. We get a montage of him standing there half naked trying to entice people to come have a gelato and no one is paying any attention to him. Awwwww, too bad.

"Anyone want to see more? Anyone?"

Snooki says he looks like a freaking dirty old man standing outside of an ice cream shop without his shirt on. When it gets dark and there are still no customers, Sitch and Snooki go outside to look at a huge dog statue. Sitch asks Snooki if she wants to “ride the camel” and lifts her onto it. She says it hurts her vagina but she likes it. All righty then.

That night is another going out dilemma. The boys are going clubbing and Jwoww and Snooki are going out to eat. Sammi and Ronnie are content to lie in bed until Ronnie hears everyone’s plans and tells Sammi that if she wants to go with the girls he’ll totally go with the guys. Sammi is horrified, but tells him to do whatever he wants to do - girl code for “don’t you f-ing dare.” Ronnie doesn’t catch on and jumps up to go with the guys. Sammi can’t believe his nerve and is very angry and upset. Ronnie has no clue what he wants. Yesterday he was calling her his girlfriend, but tonight he tells us that he’s here in Miami to have a good time and go out. They’re both completely psychotic. He kisses Sammi goodbye on his way out to go kiss whatever else comes along.

Like this, for instance.

Snooki invites Sammi to go with them but Sammi would rather hold still and pout. Why doesn’t she just go with the girls? At least to distract herself? She is the queen of self torture. Over dinner Snooki and Jwoww discuss what a jerk Ronnie is being and whether they should tell Sammi. I love how Jwoww puts it: “It’s not a good look for him. It’s not a good look for US.” I like that they want to stick up for Sammi, even though she sucks. They figure she’ll find out anyway, so maybe they have a responsibility to tell her.

And next week they do! Via an anonymous typed note. Ha ha! Who is she going to think wrote it, for crying out loud? I can’t wait to find out!

So what do you think? What’s up with the guys STILL not being able to snag any hot girls?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta