Thursday, November 18, 2010

Football Wives: Reinventing the Tutu

You've never seen anything so avant garde.

Hey guys. I’m sure you’re all jumping off the edge of your seats waiting to read about what happened this week on Football Wives. All right, calm down. I’ll tell you.

It appears that Chanita is suddenly completely over the absence of her husband and has taken on a new project - launching her fashion line! Oh here we go. Why? Why does everyone think they can do this? Why? Amanda is also debuting her latest line of jewelry. Here’s the thing. If these women didn’t have husbands with semi-local-celebrity status, they wouldn’t even dare. It’s because they can ride their husbands’ coattails and get some mileage out of their names. They’ve got to grab some of that glory.

Chanita’s line is a children’s line called Rockstar Rascals, which is kind of cute, I guess. Mercedes comes over to Chanita’s because she also thinks she can (and should) design a fashion line. Chanita eyes Mercedes’ merchandise suspiciously and informs us that there is a problem because her own line is for kids and Mercedes’ line is for adults.

"Where are the tutus?"

Interesting. Wouldn’t that little fact have come up on the phone during an initial conversation about this? How is she surprised?

There is some random guy there, presumably helping with this fashion show, and he says that every time Chanita takes on a project she gets pregnant. Just then Chanita runs to the bathroom to throw up. Mercedes looks worried. Chanita already has six children and her husband is being relegated to the UFL. I would suggest looking into some birth control.

Next we hear some stately sounding music and get an aerial shot of the Sanders mansion. I guess the music is to remind us of how grand these people are. There’s a freaking Hummer in the driveway.

It almost deserves its own soap opera.

Chanita is coming over to see Pilar because she would like to use Pilar’s “celebrity” status and have her emcee the fashion show. That’s not a bad idea because you know Pilar will jump at any chance to affirm her “celebrity” status. Chanita tells Pilar that she has reservations about showing Mercedes’ pieces alongside her glorious Rockstar Rascals. Pilar talks her into telling Mercedes (nicely of course) that she has been ejected from the fashion show. Oh good. We wouldn’t want anything tacky going down the runway on the same day as Chanita’s fluorescent green tutus.

So Chanita immediately calls Mercedes to tell her about her concerns. Kidding! She waits until Mercedes shows up to the model fitting a few days later, then sits her down and says that their two lines don’t mesh. Mercedes is like, hello? Why didn’t you say something a few days ago and I could have come up with some kid-appropriate things? This now, offends Chanita, who has spent YEARS reinventing the tutu. Mercedes has a lot of nerve thinking she can produce something in a few days that would be suitable to show with Chanita’s years of work. How is it that Chanita can always figure out a way to be offended, even when she is the one being a bitch?

"With some warning, I could have made some tutus!"

Mercedes insists that she could have made it work because that’s what teams do. Chanita makes this a football analogy and says Mercedes wants her to play the last person on the bench just so everyone can play and she won’t do it. That’s rather dramatic, Chanita. This is a little fashion show for your friends that the two of you planned. It wouldn’t kill you to let Mercedes show some of her stuff. After some heated yelling, Mercedes tells Chanita to eff her show and she storms out.

To be fair, though, Mercedes did design this necklace then refer to her stuff as couture.

And now Amanda Davis is going to weigh in. She tells us that Mercedes and her ex (Marion Barber - thanks guys!) used to be really close with her and Leonard and were baptized in their jacuzzi. That creates quite a visual, doesn’t it? Anyway, Amanda will not stand for someone who was baptized in her jacuzzi to be dropping the eff bomb. Hmm. What if she had been baptized in a church? Then would you care? She schools Mercedes and warns her that if she ever tells anyone she was baptized in her jacuzzi then drops the eff bomb, she will never come through Amanda’s door again. Is Mercedes clear? Mercedes very softly says “yes,” and this scene makes me uncomfortable. Is Amanda her mother?

"You are giving our holy jacuzzi a bad rep!"

Mercedes starts to cry and Amanda continues her lecture and also starts to cry. She says it’s important to her how people remember her and she loves Mercedes enough to tell her how to act and not want her to spend an eternity in hell. An eternity in hell? Is this the episode of overstatement or what? For saying the f word once? Good grief no one has a chance if that’s all it takes to go to hell for eternity. Imagine if you actually did something bad. I guess you might as well if you’ve already used the f word.

Ah, it’s the day of the high end fashion show for Rockstar Rascals. Chanita is having these children get their hair done in mohawks and put on eye makeup. Thank goodness Mercedes won’t be here to bring things down to ghetto.

"I would so rather be here than playing the Wii. I swear."

Guess who hasn’t shown up or made a peep? The fabulous and perpetually busy Pilar Sandars. Chanita starts to worry that Pilar won’t show at all and she tells Dawn she may have to step in as emcee. Dawn’s like, “Maybe you should have asked me first - I would have called you.” Dawn tells us that Chanita knew she really wanted to emcee but she asked Pilar anyway. As if Pilar would ever miss a chance to be the center of attention, here she is! Making a very grand late entrance.

"My life has just been SO busy!"

She tells us that she’s SO proud of herself for getting there on time, which is hilarious because she’s so late Chanita thought she wasn’t coming at all. Pilar acts like she’s so happy to be doing something for the kids, but we know this is all about her own ego. Chanita tells Dawn never mind about emceeing, and Dawn reacts by collecting her daughter and preparing to storm out. Chanita compromises by letting both women emcee. This show is basically just a series of tantrums, isn’t it?

Wow, there must be at least a dozen people here.

Then we have the fashion show, during which we are shown three to four children wearing tutus and some variation on a top. Groundbreaking. Chanita congratulates herself and “Team Foster” for pulling off the ultimate feat.

Quick, where can I order some of this stuff? Oh wait, Mervyn's.

Later that same guy who was the fashion show assistant (or whatever) plops down a pregnancy test on the counter in front of Chanita and tells her she’s acting pregnant - throwing up, craving certain foods - so he wants her to find out. Wow, that wasn’t totally staged at all. Chanita exclaims about how horrible it would be if she were pregnant right now, then marches into the bathroom with the test. What’s highly disturbing is that her tweenage daughter tells her how to read the test results. Wouldn’t it be cute if they were pregnant at the same time?

"Oh mom, I read these all the time."

Well guess what. Chanita isn’t pregnant. So that was a plotline that went nowhere. But there’s always hope for the tween!

Uh oh, Mercedes has summoned a group dinner. This means that someone will be blamed for something, scolded, called out or shunned. Right away she announces that she’s going back to LA. What, without calling anyone on the carpet?

"Oh we'll really miss sharing the spotlight with you, bless your heart."

Pilar hugs Mercedes, which makes Chanita fume. After all, isn’t Pilar the very person who CONVINCED Chanita to throw Mercedes out of the fashion show? Was this all a grand scheme by Pilar to have Chanita tear Mercedes down so that she (Pilar) could scoop her back up? Shut up Chanita. You’re not the center of the universe, believe it or not. Chanita keeps bringing up how she was disrespected with regards to her fashion show and everyone keeps telling her to move on. Pilar says her ears are bleeding and Amanda says she can’t handle this when she’s trying to get ready for her OWN show. Oh right, the jewelry thing.

"Don't these women know I have rhinestones to hot glue?"

Pretty much everyone leaves this dinner in a huff and Dawn says, “Can’t we ever go out to dinner and not have people act ignant?” HA. And the answer is no, Dawn.

On some other day Amanda makes a visit to her stylist Gretchen, showcasing some serious extensions. She tells us that every year she and Gretchen plan a preview of her jewelry line with her favorite store in Dallas, Bling. Wow, that is so interesting. What IS actually interesting is that Gretchen kind of looks like Kate Middleton.

Future princess on the brain.

This year Amanda decided to let her girlfriends (meaning fellow cast members) model the jewelry. And guess who doesn’t feel well while getting ready backstage? That’s right, Chanita. It looks like she’s about to disrespect Amanda’s big day. Sure enough, soon her headache turns into the worst headache she’s EVER had. Then she has to go home. Then she’s sobbing. Then she’s asking for 911 and here comes an ambulance. She just couldn’t stand for someone else to have a day, could she?

What the flip is wrong with Chanita? My money’s on dehydration. What do you guys think?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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