Thursday, November 04, 2010

Football Wives: Winners Don't Lose

Welcome back to Football Wives! Let's see what these very important ladies are up to this week.

We meet up with Chanita Foster in her new Dallas home. She’s wearing a pool dress and making breakfast.

"Wally and The Beaver just left for the bus stop."

Husband George walks in and these two talk to each other in an odd way. They talk like they just met. Or just woke up after a one-night stand. I would never watch this interaction and guess that they have six children together. He seems all confused that she’s making breakfast and says, “I didn’t think that was your strong suit.”

"Where's the housekeeper this morning?"

She goes, “My strong suit? Everything is my strong suit.” In other words, don’t spoil her camera-ready “ideal wife” schtick. She tells us that George is leaving for training camp soon and she’s taking advantage of every moment they have together - even if that means getting rid of the kids for breakfast. So... where are the kids? This scene confuses me. Oh well, Chanita explains that George has moved to the UFL - oh so now he HAS moved on? - but there is still a chance they might get to come back to the big leagues. Chanita crosses her fingers about coming back to the big leagues to the camera, but then she asks George if he’s willing to risk everything that comes along with the big leagues, like injuries. She tears up to us, saying she’s never heard of a job before where the person is shortening their life span by going to work. Um, has she ever heard of the military? And they don’t get to live in McMansions in return for their services. Calm down, Chanita. No one has even left bible study early yet.

Oh look, Pilar and Deion Sanders are treating us to a glance at their fabulous morning. They’re stopping at the Dallas Ave. Diner to spend some quality time together. Deion limps to their table then sits down and lists off everything that hurts. He reminds me of how my grandpa talked when I was younger - his aching back and so forth. He says that his doctor told him he’ll be fine if he gets hoochie four times a week. Pilar’s like, “then you should be as healthy as an ox,” and Deion balks.

"Did you talk back to me woman?"

Again, I’m terribly confused. Is sex supposed to cure football injuries? What am I missing here? And if so, I somehow can’t see Pilar dishing it out that often. It might mess up her nails.

"And don't even THINK about smearing my lipstick."

Next Deion likens watching football to making love, very sensuously describing his concentration. Where did that come from? Then, “My knee hurts,” like a six-year-old. Pilar finally tells him to take some aspirin. And that has been our morning with the Sanders couple. Jealous?

Back to the Foster residence where Dawn Neufeld has stopped by to see how Chanita is settling in. Have they figured out which schools the kids will attend? Chanita points out that they are only there for the summer, so unless a miracle happens and the Cowboys bring George on board, there will be no need to find schools for the kids and they’ll be educated in Omaha. They discuss how expensive insurance is and how they’re only covered for five years after their husbands stop playing football. That’s five years longer than most jobs cover you after you leave. So far I’m not feeling too sorry for these ladies. And Dawn is a lawyer! It’s not like her husband’s physical status is the sole means for their income. Sounds like a pretty regular predicament called LIFE. And they’re getting paid to go on TV and pretend it’s important.

Later we drop in on David Beuhler, who is bringing home take-out for himself and girlfriend Brittany. He tells Brittany that the food was free since he’s the kicker for the Dallas Cowboys and all. Oh yes, if there is anyone in need of a handout, it is a professional athlete. Brittany tells us she’s just a girlfriend, but that’s okay because all the wives started out as girlfriends. I can see that Brittany will definitely be one to watch out for on the mental front. She thinks, though, that her relationship with David is moving forward because they just got a puppy together named Spike. Oh boy, David is also a cerebral powerhouse because he starts chewing up pieces of food and then spitting them out on the couch for the dog to eat.

Even Spike looks terrified.

It’s obvious he thinks this is very charming, especially when he explains that he is acting like a mama bird. Brittany giggles and tells him it’s disgusting. Spike asks if he can go back to the Humane Society where he was fed actual dog food that no one chewed.

David asks Brittany how the “wives thing” is going (so much for carrying on like there are no cameras), then reminds her that she’s just a girlfriend. He wonders if she’s trying to work her way up some sort of ladder and will soon trade up to a better position than kicker. Brittany laughs at his joke and says yeah, she’ll probably try to date a better position. David goes:

As if Hooter's waitresses were a dime a dozen.

Wow, Brittany is the luckiest girl in the world! How do these two manage to even get their teeth brushed? They are seriously lacking intellectually.

Some other day Chanita meets up with Dawn and Melani to play a round of golf. Chanita has invited a girl named Mercedes to come along as the fourth player. Apparently Mercedes used to date one of the players, but we never find out who.

This woman is shrouded in mystery.

Mercedes announces that she Googled what to wear to golf (seriously?) and the other ladies give her crap about her outfit. Mercedes seems spunky and confident and just lets everything roll off her back. And she has some of the biggest fake eyelashes I’ve ever seen. As they get ready to start Chanita warns Mercedes not to embarrass her because they WIN in the Foster family. What was that Chanita told us on the last episode about her husband playing on a team with an 0 and 16 losing streak? They all get into golf carts and Chanita immediately rear-ends Melani. She blames Melani, saying she should have announced that she was going to stop. I hope this is not how she drives her car - expecting all the other drivers to inform her of their plans. Then Chanita starts bossing Mercedes around about how to play, and making her take off her necklace. She yells that the winning team gets to makeover the losing team. Gee, where do I sign up to spend time with Chanita Foster? The game goes on like this and when Dawn says it’s no fun to play with Chanita, Chanita starts hollering that there is no such thing as FUN in sports and that is what is messing up kids in America today. Sports are for WINNING! “Don’t nobody come to play a sport to lose!”

"Now who's coming to the Annual Foster Croquet Tournament this weekend? Who?"

Other golfers are starting to notice her theatrics and Dawn totally bites, arguing with her about just why kids should or should not play sports. Okay, obviously teaching small children that the only reason to play sports is to win is a totally bad idea and will make for some neurotic children. Secondly, this obsession with winning hasn’t gotten her husband any NFL offers, so she needs to STFU.

Perhaps winning on the golf course is how Chanita feels better about George having to move to the UFL, because she and Mercedes take the game and totally rub it in Melani and Dawn’s faces. Too bad the Dallas Cowboys scouts weren’t watching.

Nope. Still no offers for George.

They stop in the clubhouse for lunch and Melani tells both Chanita and Dawn how embarrassing they were. I’m quite liking Melani. She’s very level-headed. Chanita, on the other hand, is not embarrassed at all - she WON!

Chanita says that the weight of the world is on her shoulders because she has missed her three month mark to take a trip to Africa. You see, she runs a charity to raise money for people in Swaziland. And she visits Swaziland every three months. I wonder how much is left for the charity after her trip overhead is paid for. Chanita also tells us that she and Dawn are classic frenemies, a point Dawn illustrates by saying Chanita must be rich to be able to go to Africa every three months. Chanita counters that it’s about making choices, and if going to Africa means one of her kids doesn’t get expensive gymnastics lessons, then so be it. Dawn is like, “I understand that your heartstrings are being pulled, but at the expense of your children?” Them’s fightin’ words. Chanita waves her head around and snaps her fingers at the camera, saying you don’t want to mess with her because she’s from Detroit.

Oh we’re back to David and Brittany, who are setting up for a beer pong tournament. Brittany tells us that they take this very seriously and once stayed up until five in the morning playing. I’m so surprised they’re not watching foreign films or taking in an opera.

After hours of struggle, neither one can count how many cups remain on the table.

And now we’re back to the aftermath of the golf game. Melani and Dawn must face their makeovers. Chanita and Mercedes dress them up like total streetwalkers, wigs and all, and Melani totally embraces the moment.

Dressed like this, they might get invited to a post-game party for the players.

She’s hilarious, going out on the front porch and yelling about Dawn never inviting her over. She goes, “My name is Queefa Shenaynay, Shenaynay.” Waving and posing.

No Chanita. Still no offers for George.

At least she’s being a good sport about it. Which, as we all know, is totally not the point of sports. I’d like to see the tantrum Chanita would have thrown if she’d been subjected to a makeover.

Uh oh. Chanita has summoned Dawn to a lunch meeting. We saw what happened last time there was a lunch meeting involving Chanita. Apparently Dawn said something to one of Chanita’s daughters along the lines of not being able to go to dance class because her mom was too busy feeding kids in Africa. Okay, so it’s none of Dawn’s business, but isn’t that exactly what Chanita told the girls? That they make choices to accommodate this charity? So wouldn’t it stand to reason that this is the type of conversation they might have with their kids when Africa wins out over dance class? I guess it isn’t Dawn’s place to say that to Chanita’s kids, but she’d never just say, “Oops, I shouldn’t have said that. It won’t happen again.” She has to argue that Chanita is too sensitive and reading way too much into this. On the other hand, what’s with inviting someone to lunch just to tell them off anyway? Is that like a requirement to be on one of these wives shows?

"I was really looking forward to a chopped salad..."

Chanita makes a dramatic finish, promising that if Dawn ever says something to one of her kids again, she will walk her like a dog! Much pointing and head waving go with this promise, of course. She storms out to her car and Dawn goes, “Check please?” LOL.

Wow, so far Chanita has managed to be involved in two out of two conflicts, one of them that had nothing to do with her. And it continues next week! It looks like Pilar shames some of the girls for not being able to keep up with her in some sort of athletic program. Then they all take turns crying and saying goodbye to their husbands. I wonder where they’re going.

I’m glad to hear that some of you guys are tuning in to watch and/or read about this latest television masterpiece! What did you think of installment #2?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

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