Jersey Shore: Tossed Salad

What's for dinner?

Poor Jwoww! We catch up with her and Snooki discovering all the douchebag stuff Tom did to her for breaking up with him, like stealing her hard drive and her money. And her bed. Snooki wants to find Tom and “chop his nuts off.” As always, let’s thank Snooki for being the voice of reason. Jwoww is super hurt and decides that her only home now is in Seaside Heights in her little bed next to the bathroom.

Speaking of Seaside Heights, Ryder is arriving for a visit in her denim booty shorts and tank top. I mean, why get dressed just to whore it up on the boardwalk? Vinny lets her in and it’s kind of awkward since these two shared a night of indiscretion as we learned via a tantrum Snooki had in the hot tub at Vinny. Vinny says he has strict instructions from Snooki not to have sex with Ryder again so he’s not sure what to do.

"So Ryder, do you know how to make spaghetti?"

That’s quite pathetic. There’s a girl around and Vinny can’t have sex with her and she’s not here to cut his meat so he doesn’t know what to do with her now. What could she possibly be good for? Snooki isn’t back yet so Deena offers to hang out with Ryder, especially since it was just her birthday a couple of days ago.

"I'm this many."

Back in Long Island, Snooki and Jwoww go to a hardware store to change the locks on the house - or get Jwoww a new knob, as Snooki puts it - since Tom has keys and Tom has just shown himself to be a kleptomaniac. Unfortunately, neither of them has any idea how to install new doorknobs, so they struggle with it for quite some time. Snooki finally asks if Jwoww doesn’t know some juiceheads around here who might know how to do this. Jwoww acts like that’s a total epiphany. She gasps and goes, “Do you want to call someone?” A new knob could be closer than you think, girls!

"I just locked us IN."

Ryder, meanwhile, is slightly annoyed that Snooki has not returned, but Deena puts on her “blast in a glass” hat and offers to do happy hour and a bar crawl with Ryder. I’m kind of surprised that these two haven’t met each other before, both being party friends of Snooki and all. So they hit the boardwalk and become fast friends over shots, pool, and boardwalk rides.

Watch out, Deena. Snooki doesn't like it if you bang her best friend.

Snooki and Jwoww finally get new locks on the doors, pile the dogs into the car and head back to Seaside, where Pauly D and Vinny are offering Ryder their bedroom if she needs somewhere to sleep. Back off boys. No more pissing Snooki off by boinking her friends, if you don’t mind. When the dogs arrive, Pauly D names the poofy one Snooki and the little skinny one Ryder. Hmm, I don’t know how flattered I’d be. But whatevs, it’s time to hit Karma! Jwoww is excited to see Roger for the first time in a few days, and Sammi is excited to pick a fight with Ronnie for having verbal contact with another human being. Please, no.

"Is Ronnie breathing over there? He's gonna get it!"

Ronnie promises that it’s the girlfriend of one of their friends and he even offers to bring her over to show Sammi her c-section. She’s going to show Sammi her c-section? THIS I’ve gotta see. I think he means her scar, but he may not, so bring it.

"Just tell me right now if there's going to be major surgery in this club, Ronnie!"

Vinny has discovered a fellow Sicilian who travels with her own entourage of bodyguard relatives, just like Apollonia from The Godfather. Unfortunately Vinny is not in this to find himself a wife, so these fellas mostly serve as a giant cockblock.

"I just wanna bang their cousin, is that so wrong?"

But he manages to convince this girl, Gina, to come back to the house by herself. This can’t bode well. I mean, at the club her guardians were all up Gina’s ass every few seconds making sure she was okay. Upstairs in the Depression Chamber (Rammi’s room) Sammi is wasted and slurring accusations at Ronnie of touching other girls and hating her. Ronnie dares her to pack her crap and get out, but instead she goes downstairs to snag herself a piece of pizza. Mmmm, pizza.

"There's too much Xenadrine in his system. He needs food."

And while she does that Ronnie goes to the closet, takes every item of clothing Sammi owns, and throws it into the middle of the room. Nice to meet you, Mommie Dearest. No wire hangers! Sammi comes back in with a peace offering in the form of pizza, and Ronnie seriously tells us that he is mad it’s not a protein shake. He tells Sammi he’s on a different level now and she needs to pack her crap and get out. Sitch waltzes through right now and tells Sammi she’s been kicked out of her own room. Sammi starts to bawl while Ronnie tells her her tears mean nothing and she owes him an apology.

Sitch has managed to get a girl back to the house and he’s trying to get her to change into his sweat pants, but her friend is there and is apparently a grenade. So Vinny does something extremely classy and mature and gets out his “grenade horn,” which is to alert Seaside to the fact that there is a grenade at their house.

Or that someone needs a cough drop.

This isn’t very clever or entertaining boys. Keep trying. UPDATE: I just saw that you can now purchase the grenade horn at the MTV shop. Please don’t.

All of a sudden this herd of huge guidos comes marching up the stairs to the patio looking for Gina. I knew it! Vinny is completely put out and compares this to Romeo and Juliet, which it isn’t... at all. Until Pauly D gets up in Gina’s uncle’s face saying “Do you bite your thumb at us sir?” Yeah right. Vinny says that as beautiful as Gina is, knowing she has this entourage doesn’t make him want to call her again. That just means their system is working because only guys who are seriously interested in more than just banging Gina are going to work through the entourage. Vinny has been weeded out! A plague on both your houses!

Ronnie’s lying on the couch in the living room sobbing like a little girl. I do so hate this storyline. But Jwoww goes to him and tells him that she’s here for him and she went through the same thing with Tom, Ron deserves better, yadda, yadda, yadda. The whole time she keeps looking over her shoulder like Sammi’s going to be standing there with a chainsaw.

"I can't get blood on my ostrich top."

A little later Ronnie and Jwoww are talking on the patio and Sammi comes out on the balcony above them demanding to know what Ronnie is doing.

"Don't you make me come down there, Ron-ald!"

She starts yelling, “Are you friends with her? Are you? Let me know now, are you? Are you?” And Ronnie sits with his head down.

"Not telling."

During this tirade, the rest of the roommies come out with a cake and lit candles to sing Happy Birthday to Ryder. Sammi bolts down the stairs and out to the patio, still screaming - now in Ronnie’s face - “Are you friends with her? ARE YOU?” He finally gives a little nod and she reaches back and punches him right in the mouth. He reacts like he barely notices, but still. Violence is never the answer, people. Happy Birthday, Ryder!

And here's one to grow on!

Sammi runs to the phone and calls her mom to come and pick her up. Right now. Sitch starts announcing that there has to be a family meeting. Vinny and Pauly D rush to Sammi’s side to try and convince her to stay... why? Sammi says that this is God telling her to leave and Vinny says no, it’s your ego. Never thought I’d say this, but good call, Vinny. But God or ego, please let her leave. Snooki and Ryder join the Stay Sammi party and Sammi just keeps flipping out. She finally storms out of the room - hopefully to go home.

"Sammi, please stay. I want to get punched again too."

In totally other news, Jwoww has decided that she’s waited long enough and tonight is the night with Roger. Her dogs get to watch.

It looks like everyone stays up all night talking because at 6:30 in the morning no one has gone to bed and Sammi comes outside and tells Ronnie she’s truly sorry for punching him in the face. She goes on to say that she’s extremely hurt that he would be friends with Jwoww and she wants him to know how she feels before she leaves. She goes, “This is my final goodbye to you, so you can say whatever you want.” Ronnie gets up and walks away. Ha! Sammi’s like, “Really? Okay.” BUH-BYE Sammi! Ugh Ronnie’s still bawling like a bitch. Sammi gets him to come inside and they hug it out. Noooooooooooooooooooo!

Sammi keeps talking to the camera like she’s having a revelation about how stupid she’s being. She says that she’s destroying herself and it isn’t worth it. She wants to take it day by day and work on all of her relationships in the house. Great, so we’re back to square one. Again. Sammi’s staying. Ryder’s leaving, though.

Over family dinner Sammi thanks everyone for being nice to her and letting her stay. She even offers to help with the dishes, so something’s definitely up. And that night Jwoww and Roger are going out, and so are Deena and Not-Ronnie. Huh? I thought the jig was up about his girlfriend, Not-Sam. Well, whatever, it’s a double date on the boardwalk. And Snooki and Vinny go on a little platonic outing to buy - what else? - a stripper pole.

Because books are just so 2008.

The next day the guys head to the barber shop for some bonding time. While getting their heads shaved into various ridiculous shapes, the guys ask the barber about Not-Ronnie, who also comes here for haircuts. Well, the barber has some juicy gossip to share and that is that Not-Ronnie announced to the barber that Deena tossed his salad, like willingly. The guys all totally believe this, of course, and giggle about it incessantly. Why are guys so gross? I mean, what girl would seriously do that - to a guy she just met especially? COME ON. I even give these Jersey Shore girls more credit than that. Remember that episode of Sex and the City? Even Samantha said she would never do that, and Samantha will do everything. But the guys think it’s funny, so they’re going to go ahead and spread this one around. All the roommies meet up at the gym and Sitch can’t keep his mouth shut for two seconds before sing-songing to Deena that he heard a story about her. She wants to know what he heard because she hasn’t done much here at the shore, except hook up with that guy, Not-Ronnie. Sitch keeps saying stuff like, “If you like to do that, good for you,” (cause who wouldn’t LIKE to do that?) and Deena is confused and wants specifics. Sitch finally tells her and Deena is immediately horrified and adamant that she would never do that. She’s pretty offended and walks away. Pauly D confirms the story and Deena tells him it’s not true. Then she goes to Jwoww for sympathy, but Jwoww just cracks up.

Thanks for being there, Jwoww.

Deena’s like, “It’s not funny cause it’s not true!” Deena swears she’s going to rip Not-Ronnie a new one, and that just opens up an entire can of jokes about what she’s been accused of doing. Poor Deena. I believe you.

"I don't even LIKE salad you jerk-offs!"

Well, guess who’s at Karma with our guidos tonight? It’s Not-Ronnie! Deena marches up to him and tells him she’s being tormented because of what he said. Not-Ronnie doesn’t know what he supposedly said, so Deena screams it out to everyone at Karma. Good thinking, Deena. Not-Ronnie’s like, “I never said that!” Of course. Well, I guess we’ll never know who started that story, but I still pretty much believe Deena. But I’m definitely open to discussion.

Jwoww is in a very generous mood and offers to buy Ronnie and Sammi drinks and Sammi gets up and comes with her. At the bar Sammi tells Jwoww she knows she has no business saying anything, but she realizes Jwoww was just looking out for her.

Like there was just one.

What is this? Burying the hatchet of THE NOTE? Awwwwwwww. The mortal enemies are making up and becoming friends! So I guess Sammi isn’t going anywhere after all. What a buzzkill.

Next week Ronnie won’t be getting his salad tossed. But it looks like he may have “fallen” on some sort of oblong object, necessitating a visit to the proctologist. Of course Sammi comes along with binoculars.

So what do you think? Is Deena guilty? Other thoughts?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Jersey Shore: Snooki's Slump

Previously...

"If you guys want pictures with me, you just have to ask."

We catch up with Jwoww and Deena leaving the beach in tears after watching the patrol car drive away with Snooki inside of it insisting she’s a good person. Yeah, good and drunk. I wonder if the police would have cared so much if there hadn’t been crowds of people gathered, egging her on. Her fame turned the situation from a crazy girl being helped home by her friends to an entire movement. Diabolic celebrity - it’ll get you every time.

So Jwoww gets home and calls Snooki’s dad, cause you know, he might have to get involved at some point, and he is very polite but exasperated, asks Jwoww to have Snooki call him when she gets home, and calls Jwoww “honey.”

"Yes, Mr. Polizzi, sir."

The next call Jwoww makes is to Tom. She says she’s sorry for not calling him last night, then bursts into tears explaining what just happened with Snooki. Tom’s like, “She got arrested today? Then what the eff happened last night to keep you from calling!?” He starts screaming and Jwoww hangs up on him. I’m so glad she didn’t try to apologize or sit there and listen to his BS. She’s genuinely upset and all he wants to do is accuse her of something since she didn’t call last night.

The guys get home from GTL-ing and Deena tells them what happened and that she and Jwoww are about to go pick Snooki up. Sooooo, Snooki was in jail for 10 minutes? That’ll sober her up.

"Sounds like a criminal situation."

The duck quacks and it’s Tom again. Jwoww picks it up and screams at him to go eff himself then slams it down again. Love huh. Vinny puts on his dad hat and says that things with Snooki aren’t funny anymore and she’s got a real problem. She even wore her party clothes to work. As they leave to go to the jail, the roommies all yell, “Free Snooki!” LOL. She’s the new Nelson Mandela, what an inspiration. When they get her into the car Pauly D goes, “I hope that jail time changed you.” A lot can happen in 10 minutes you know. Snooki may have become someone’s bitch or even gotten a tattoo.

Snooki’s kind of embarrassed that she went to jail, but not too much. In fact, she has no idea why she even went. Jwoww tries to explain to her how she was acting and honestly, Snooki mostly seems amused by it. I’m amused by the fact that Snooki’s been home for less than five minutes and Jwoww is already wearing a “Free Snooki” shirt. At first I thought this was tricky editing, but then I remembered that these people have free reign of the t-shirt shop, so this is all very possible.

It's like this decade's "Donna Martin Graduates."

Snooki tells us that her dad is the “typical Italian crazy ass psycho dad.” You know the type. The ones who don’t want their kids getting arrested. Especially when it’s being televised. Psycho. She tells her dad that he has no idea what it felt like being in that jail cell (for 10 minutes). It was phenomenal. No not phenomenal, a train wreck. He begs her to think about what she’s doing to her body and she goes, “It’s not like I killed someone.” Yeah, YET. Daddy Snooks is not amused and tells her she should be humiliated and that if something like this happens again he will be down in person and she will be done. Done! Snooki says in baby talk, “please don’t be mad.” How is she not even a little bit ashamed? I swear this is like a badge of honor for her. Her dad says he’s disappointed in her and she seems a little put out that her dad is disappointed because it’s really going to put a damper on her partying. This girl! At least she decides to stay home tonight and sleep. Seaside Heights will be a safer community because of it.

Here’s where Jwoww pulls down Snooki’s dress and reveals that there is a mess of sand between her boobs, which, as you all pointed out, means she hasn’t showered in a while and I’m sure she IS smelling pretty gross. I mean besides everything else, 10 minutes of the last couple of days were spent in jail.

Later when it’s dark Snooks and Jwoww sit out on the patio to try to analyze what’s going on in Snooki’s head. My guess is nothing. But Snooki seems to think this is all Emilio’s fault. Remember that boyfriend she had for like three weeks at the beginning of season 2? Yes, he’s responsible for today’s public intoxication followed by jail time. Jwoww decides to be blatantly honest. She tells Snooki that she wants to find love so badly that she’ll make guys who aren’t good enough for her good enough for her. This is totally true. Well, I don’t know about not being good enough for her, but the desperation part is true. It was one of the main storylines of season 1 - Snooki wanting so badly to find that perfect guy to be with her or even just someone willing to come home and bang her. And she didn’t have much luck. Maybe now that she’s famous she’s having more luck, but the wrong kind of luck. And she’s not terribly discerning. She tells the camera in dead earnest, “It’s kind of like a disease to Snook for love. It’s worse than a staph infection. It just keeps eating at you and eating at you. And then when you don’t find a guy you just get more miserable and more depressed and it’s just not a good time.”

"And when something's not a good time it's like a disease that can't be cured with antibiotics."

Oh Snooki wisdom, how I’ve missed you. And I really hope I don’t catch this “snookin for love” disease. But there might be a show in it somewhere for Dr. Drew...

Hooray it’s time to hit the town! This is Rammi’s cue to go to bed, so they do. It looks like tonight MVP is going out and bringing New Girl along. She tells us that MVP love girls and when she’s drunk she loves girls too, so she’s a perfect wingman. They head for Bamboo, home of my favorite security t-shirts, and Deena is ON A MISSION to fit in with MVP. She’s talking only to girls, complimenting their breasts and inviting them to take body shots off of her. It works though. The guys are mostly just glad she’s not cockblocking like a certain former roommate we all hated. Eventually Deena stumbles onto a guy named Dean - oh how freaking adorable, Deena and Dean - and he tells her she’s drop dead gorgeous and she tells him she loves his fauxhawk. It’s a match made in guido heaven!

Deena mentally plans her big friggin' wedding.

The guys get a load of Dean and think it’s hilarious because he looks just like Ronnie! Okay he looks KIND OF like Ronnie. His body is the same and his face is similar, but I’d never get them confused or anything. Still, it’s funny that the guys think it’s so funny. They’re calling him Ronnie and saying he’s Ronnie’s stunt double. Sitch says Deena must be fulfilling some sort of Ronnie fantasy and then they say he even dances like Ronnie, but I didn’t notice any epileptic seizures taking place. Just some dry humping on Deena. Which makes the guys threaten to tell Sammi.

Not-Ronnie agrees to come home with Deena so the boys take him into the confessional to do an interview with him pretending he’s Ronnie.

"Never fall in love at the Jersey Shore. How's that guys?"

He’s all low-key, just going along with everything while the guys crack themselves up. Pauly D gets the brilliant idea to have Not-Ronnie actually switch places in bed with Ronnie and see if Sammi notices. While they try to wake up the sleeping couple, Ronnie looks up and goes, “Who is that? Dean?” They know each other! Which makes the guys laugh even harder. Ronnie and Not-Ronnie know each other! Ronnie goes, “His girlfriend’s name is Sam, too.” This is hysterical. Not-Ronnie goes, “Yeah my - ” then looks at the camera like a deer in headlights. BUSTED, Not-Ronnie!

"Shit, did I say that out loud?"

Slobbering all over Deena (and failing to mention that he knows Ronnie), then coming to the house and forgetting to shut up about your girlfriend Sam. If Not-Sam is anything like Sammi, Not-Ronnie’s privates will be mutilated when she sees this episode. Of course, the guidos know what’s up and they’re not about to get in the way of a brother getting some play. In fact, Deena has already dug out the “blast in a glass” hat and even managed to keep her bikini bottoms on with it.

Hot tub scene! Deena tells Not-Ronnie he’s her perfect guy because he has a fauxhawk, nice teeth and a good personality. She wants to know if he has a girlfriend and he stumbles a little, but then insists he doesn’t. Whatever dude. We’re not here to be Girlfriend Patrol. Guess who is, though. Pauly D and Vinny! They’re sitting in the living room talking about what a shame it is that Ronnie is hooking up with Deena in the hot tub right after he and Sammi made up. Their faces are totally deadpan and Pauly D wonders if they should tell Sammi. Vinny thinks hard then says, “Wait, I have an idea. Why don’t we write an anonymous note.”


Pauly D goes, “Yeah, OMG, let’s do it! We’ll write it so they won’t even think it’s us. We’ll write it politically correct, so bring a thesaurus.” HA! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! Hilarious!


This little scene was a long time coming and these guys NAILED it. Perfect situation to do it in, too. Just gorgeous. Jwoww, you’re my girl, but you and Snooks totally had that coming. The guys make each other promise not to tell Sammi who wrote the note, then they pinky swear and call each other Boo Boo. Loving them right now.

Deena takes Not-Ronnie back to her bed to “snuggle.” She tells us that he didn’t get the golden ticket, but she gave him a sneak peek. Okay, the golden ticket is for a tour of the chocolate factory, so you fill in the blanks. The next morning Sammi sees Deena kiss Not-Ronnie goodbye and she breaks the news that he has a girlfriend. Sammi’s seen her “like five times.” Deena’s all shocked. She goes, “REALLY?”

"But I was gonna give him the golden ticket tonight!"

Then she says what they did last night, but it’s blurred and I seriously can’t figure it out. Something that a woman wouldn’t appreciate her boyfriend doing to another woman, I would imagine. Deena actually takes it pretty well. She just shrugs and says, “Sorry girlfriend!” Seriously, he lied about it, so it’s on him. So funny, too, how the guys would NEVER have said anything about there being a girlfriend, because what’s it to them? But girls tell each other that stuff immediately, if not sooner.

That night it’s back to Karma. Snooki’s along for the ride, but swears she’s only going to have one drink.

To make up for not drinking she huffs some spray tanner before they leave.

Pauly D tells us how it’s nice to be back home in Jersey where everyone in the clubs is just like them and they can all fist pump the night happily away. Roger’s here, so Jwoww sits down on a couch with him and who should show up, but Lauren, ever the bearer of bad news. But this time she has good news! She’s learned that Roger is not, in fact, dating Heather, but some guy who looks like Roger is. Well that’s a huge relief because that must mean he’s free. We all know that guys with girlfriends are unavailable and conduct themselves as such. Woops, I forget that Jwoww has a boyfriend. Let’s see what’s up with that.

When everyone comes home the duck quacks and it’s Tom calling to check up on Jwoww. While she talks to him Ronnie works himself up into a frenzy because here is Jwoww on the phone with her boyfriend five minutes after talking to her ex-boyfriend, which obviously makes her as big a dirtbag as Ronnie. Except it doesn’t. Ronnie says Jwoww is lucky that he doesn’t type Tom an anonymous note. Okay first of all, I must have missed the part where Tom repeatedly begged Ronnie to please tell him if Jwoww was doing anything behind his back (like Sammi did). Secondly, I must have missed the part where Jwoww did anything but have a conversation with Roger. Her intentions may not be pure, but she hasn’t DONE anything. Ronnie’s just trying to make himself feel better about being a total piece of crap. But back to Jwoww. She tells Tom they should talk tomorrow and that she loves him. And he hangs up on her. She flips the phone off and says, “That’s why I’m leavin’ yo ass... douche.” DO IT, Jwoww!

That poor duck must be traumatized from living here.

The next day Jwoww calls Roger and plans to bring Deena to meet up with Roger and his “hot friend” Alex. Tom calls before she can get out the door, but she still doesn’t break up with him or say anything about Roger. I wonder if she would break up with Tom if Roger wasn’t in the picture. Is she one of those girls who always needs a boyfriend? When they get back from the boardwalk they wake Snooki up. It’s 5:30 pm. I’m guessing Snooki’s going through some withdrawal after her non-stop drinking binge? She tells Jwoww that she doesn’t want to drink anymore. At all. Jwoww tells her to take it one day at a time because on Thursday she might want a glass of pinot. Snooki goes, “Oh yeah, I think pinot’s okay. Pregnant people do it.” Jwoww goes, “Exactly.” Huh? Pregnant people drink pinot? Maybe like ONCE during a pregnancy isn’t a huge crisis, but I doubt they drink it all the time - or every Thursday. Plus, being pregnant isn’t being an ALCOHOLIC. A glass of pinot could lead to another scene on the beach. That’s how it works. I’ve watched Celebrity Rehab.

The roommies are sensing that Snooki is feeling depressed now that she’s sober, so the guys decide to make some home movies to cheer her up. They interview her about her poof, then they try to interview Jwoww’s boobs - you know, guy humor.

Later Snooki, Jwoww and Pauly D have to do a shift at the t-shirt store and it’s getting pretty funny watching Danny beg and plead with these guys to do something besides just loiter around his store in their sweats. That actually might be enough to bring in a lot of business - I guess they’d just rather be elsewhere.

"Anybody want to buy an effing t-shirt?"

Jwoww asks Pauly D if he thinks she should try to stay with Tom. When you describe your relationship in those terms - “try to stay with,” it’s probably not a relationship you want to be in. Snooki thinks Jwoww and Roger “as a couple would be amazing. That’s like your typical gorilla-guidette couple. And they would have the most amazingly cute babies ever.” Babies are a possible factor now?

Jwoww decides that she must take action to help pull Snooki out of her slump. She calls Roger and has him bring another one of his hot friends to the t-shirt store. Roger seems to always be hovering nearby with a supply of hot friends. Every girl needs a guy like that for her girlfriends. We see Roger and his friend trail into the store after Jwoww, and Snooki goes, “OMG, THANK YOU!” And I was thinking, geez Snooks, could you be any more obvious? But then I notice that Jwoww brought her a coffee. Snooki takes one look at Roger’s friend and tells us this is what she’s been waiting for her entire life. Good call Snooki. After all that self-discovery on the patio you wouldn’t want to throw yourself headlong at YET ANOTHER guy who’s wrong for you. The four of them leave the store to go sit in a booth and chat. Snooki is disappointed that this guy is Irish since she likes guidos, but I remember in season one she had a fling with an Irish farmer and that didn’t bother her. She tells us Nick is perfect. Perfect! It takes about 30 seconds for Danny to shoo the girls back into the store, but I guess that’s all the time Nick needed for his perfection to shine through.

Prepare to be blamed for her next meltdown, Nick.

That night they’re going to the boardwalk with Roger and Nick and Snooki says she’s going to have to double-panty it. My, my, she’s a lady. Again, I’m so glad she’s not getting ahead of herself with this guy. There’s also talk of Snooki having to poop because she’s so excited. She emerges from the bathroom, announcing, “I just had a baby in the toilet!” Who could resist this one? When the guys arrive, Deena says that Nick is perfect for Snooki and she’s even jealous because he’s hot and she got stuck with Alex. Poor Alex is probably proudly watching his television debut right now and he just got crapped on. Since Nick likes to joke around and doesn’t bore Snooki, she decides that she also wants to have sex with him tonight. No way this plan could ever go awry! Roger sleeps over too, but the next morning Jwoww tells us they didn’t have sex. She does, however, say that she’s infatuated with Roger and over Tom. She doesn’t even miss Tom, then wouldn’t you know it - he calls. The roommates all gather around to listen and see if Jwoww will finally break things off.

"This is Jwoww's private moment. Everyone quiet down so we can hear it."

As Tom catches on to Jwoww’s distance, she tells him, “I’m just taking a breather.” Pauly D goes, “Roger that!” and that makes me laugh so hard! He’s killing me this epi. He starts going, “I’ll Roger that. R-R-Roger that!” HEE! Jwoww admits to Tom that she’s been hanging out with Roger and he starts to fly off the handle. Jwoww gets mad and yells at him and hangs up on him... again. I think this one was the one that finally did it.

The next call Jwoww makes is to her dad, who has apparently just talked to Tom and learned that Tom is moving his stuff out of their house. Jwoww asks her dad to call Tom and tell him not to touch any of her stuff. And he says he will! Hmm, handling a breakup through your parents - that must be fun. Jwoww is upset because if Tom leaves their house her dogs will be left all alone. It’s time to head to Long Island for Operation Dog Rescue. Snooki’s going with her, which is nice. When they get to Jwoww’s house, she’s crying, saying it’s one thing to take it out on her, but it’s another to take it out on her dogs.

"The dogs never even MET Roger!"

Well, it turns out the dogs are just fine. They’ve probably only been alone for a couple of hours, which is not even a regular work day. While Jwoww explains to the camera that her dogs are okay, there is a film of them going behind her, which also cracks me up.

The poof balls were oblivious to any crisis.

But all is not well. Jwoww’s bed is gone. So is her graduation watch. (High school graduation?) Her hard drive is gone too, which sucks. Then she notices the coup de grace. Tom has left on the computer screen a transfer of funds from Jwoww’s PayPal account to himself. That’s effed up. Isn’t he her manager? He’ll probably claim it’s his fee. Poor, poor Jwoww. I bet Roger could beat Tom’s ass, though.

Next week! Sammi punches Ronnie. SWEET!

So was it just me, or was this episode particularly awesome? What do you think?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Jersey Shore: Intoxication in the Public

"What did I do? I mean since I banged those other chicks, what have I done?"

Oh joy of joys we’re coming back in the middle of a Rammi fight. Sammi starts talking about owing Snooki an apology and here’s the thing. You guys have explained in the comments that the guidos got to watch season 2 as it aired while they were living in Seaside Heights filming season 3. That makes sense, but the production never bothered to explain it, so what is everyone (who doesn’t have you guys for info) supposed to think? Why would Sammi suddenly have this epiphany? I guess they assumed people would figure it out, but it’s really messing with my suspension of disbelief here. We’re not supposed to imagine them watching themselves on TV are we? We’re just supposed to assume that they get all of their information from anonymous phone calls or typed letters... right? Boo, MTV. Boo. Ronnie practically dares Sammi to go and make up with Snooki and Jwoww and he says that they (meaning Rammi) will be done with. If only.

Downstairs Jwoww is watching Snooki and Deena drink themselves into a stupor and Snooki decides she’s going to gnaw on a raw potato.

"Doesn't vodka come from potatoes? Maybe if I suck hard..."

Jwoww says she can’t remember the last time she saw Snooki sober. Snooki chews her potato saying, “It’s not beyad. Not beyad.” Plus she points out that if you’re ever stuck in a cornfield, this is what you’ll be eating. Brilliant.

"Cornfields grow potatoes too?"

Pauly D walks in saying, “Hey, blast in a gas.” Ha ha! I think Deena’s nicknames are getting a FAIL. Snooki decides that tonight she’d like to spend some time with “Seabiscuit,” apparently a nickname for Vinny’s anatomy. She’s begging him to give it up, but Vinny’s not down since Snooki’s totally trashed. He tells her she’s crossed over to the other side.

In another desperate corner we have Deena trying to get Sitch to dance with her. Snooki tells us that Deena really wants to make out with Sitch but she doesn’t want to be too forward about it. Geez, I’d hate to see her idea of forward. So Snooki’s going to be a generous friend and offer to have a threesome with Sitch and Deena to get things moving.

"I'll do you a solid, girlfriend."

Sitch acts like it’s Christmas morning - not because of Snooks and Deena, he points out, but because it’s a threesome which is every guy’s dream. But Snooki has merely been looking out for her friend and as soon as the lights go off she’s out of there. Sitch immediately realizes this isn’t what he signed up for. He tells us it’s like having chicken put on the table with salt and pepper, then suddenly someone pulls the chicken away and you’re just left with salt and pepper. So I guess Deena is the seasoning for Snooki? Sitch’s analogies rarely work.

Snooki runs right to Vinny’s room, but Vinny is still not down. He tells Snooki she’s acting crazy and to stop. Snooki is totally frustrated and heads for the confessional with Jwoww to complain. Jwoww reminds her that Vinny is being this way because he cares about her. Snooki’s like, “Stop caring and eff me.” You heard it here, folks! Setting womankind back decades with each episode!

"And why should we vote? We're not as smart as guys."

Meanwhile Sitch’s threesome has become a Deesome, and as soon as she gets up to use the bathroom he darts out of the bed and down to the kitchen. Then after a snack he gets in his own bed and goes to sleep. Denied again, Deena!

The next day Snooki goes with Pauly D for GTL and guess what. She’s still drunk. She squeals and giggles while she tries to climb on some sort of ladder machine.

"Do I row? How does it work?"

Then she burns her butt at the tanning salon by putting “a glob of lotion” on it. When she gets home her butt is totally burning and itching so she whines about it for a while, then sits in a mini fridge, which I guess has a cooling effect on her burning ass. I’m assuming there are edible items in that fridge, so after this they’re all going to need to be thrown out. She sits there eating something and then says, “I have to poop.” This is not cute. Snooki has her endearing moments, but I haven’t seen any lately - she’s just kind of sucking.

Next she'll leave a maxi pad on the floor.

Surprise, everyone, Sammi’s sulking in her bed! She’s absolutely positive that every time Ronnie leaves the house he’s cheating on her or doing something to betray and humiliate her. And still, they don’t bother to explain that Sammi may be in possession of new information. Ronnie saunters in and Sammi begs him to come clean with her because she knows everything. Ronnie freaks out and yells a lot, so they go out onto the patio to continue.

Interesting topic: What's under the tarp?

They might as well have stayed inside because all the roommies are gathered around to eavesdrop. Naturally Ronnie says he’s done with Sammie. Oh the suspennnzzzzzzzzzzz.

Ronnie and Sitch head for the gym and Ronnie gives his speech about being in love with Sammi and wanting to be with her (five minutes after “breaking up” with her). Sitch does his best to talk Ronnie out of Rammi.

Pauly D, Snooki and Sammi have to work at the t-shirt shop and Pauly D is mad. He complains that he doesn’t know how to sell t-shirts because he’s a DJ. OMG. He should just hang out singing “t-shirt time,” that might actually sell some shirts. But something interesting happens today at the Shore Store. Sammi takes Snooki aside and says, “I owe you an apology and I am sorry for cutting our friendship completely. It’s disgusting. I didn’t believe the right thing. But I am so wrong and you were so right the whole time. And just thank you for doing something.” That, of course, was spliced together by our lovely editors, but still, isn’t that sweet? Snooki is happy to make amends. After what amounts to a couple of “I told you so’s,” they hug it out and Snooki goes, “Waaaaah. Bitch. You’re such a whore, why were you like that?” Ah, friendship. Pauly D has been watching the whole time and he is on girl talk overload.

When they get home Sammi decides that Deena also deserves an apology, so she asks her to come sit on the couch. Pauly D flees the scene. Sammi apologizes for being a huge priss and Deena says they’ll drink Patron tonight and have a good time. All better! The only thing Deena is worried about is the animosity that still exists between Sammi and Jwoww because that leaves everyone in a rather awkward position.

"It's like a walking workday with overtime."

She tells Snooki, “You brought me into this house and Jenny has had my back since day one.” LOL, day one was like the day before yesterday. Snooki tells Jwoww about her talk with Sammi and Jwoww is like, “She didn’t apologize to me.” Good point.

Time to go to Karma! Jwoww admires how big her boobs look - did I read somewhere that she had them “worked on?” Pauly D predicts that Deena will need to be carried out of the club. She’s already trashed. Upon entering Karma, Jwoww immediately runs into Roger, a former fling who is now a friend. She strikes up a conversation and this does not bode well since she and Tom have been rocky lately.

"Your boobs look higher."

Deena tells us that dancing is her “best thing,” and she doesn’t care if people look at her funny because she loves to dance and get off of her. M’kay? Honey, they’re not looking at you funny because you’re dancing. They’re looking at you funny because you can’t stay upright. She is falling off of the stage and literally being held up by various bystanders. Oh and her panties are on full display.

"Holding me up is a blast! In a glass!"

Club security notices and tells her she’s got to leave. She’s escorted out of the club and into a cab. Sitch says he’s going to call her the Holiday Inn (instead of the walking holiday), and that six minutes and 53 seconds into the evening the Holiday Inn closed early. Thank you, Stich, for another metaphor. This one was a little better. Night night, Deena!

Sitch is having a fortuitous moment because he runs into Paula, the girl who doinked him in the hot tub in season 1 and then fell down the stairs. Tonight Paula is sporting a black sports bra and a black marabou halo. What! I wore that same outfit to dinner last night. Oh wait, it gets better. She seems to be alternating between the halo and little red devil horns. Isn’t she adorable? Obviously Sitch is trying to get her to come home with him.

Elsewhere Snooki is following Deena’s lead and falling all over the club. Jwoww continues her convo with Roger, which leads to dancing, which leads to whispering. Then this girl Lauren comes to Jwoww and tells her that Roger has a girlfriend who works at a tanning salon (of course). Coincidentally, this Lauren is the same girl who banged down the door of the shore house last summer to retrieve Paula after her night of regret with The Situation. Lauren has the unlucky job of messenger it seems.

Lauren blows up everyone's spots.

So Jwoww’s kinda pissed that Roger’s been acting all flirty and stuff when he has a girlfriend. She’s done with Roger and joins Snooki on the upper level of the club to have a little private dance party. Well wouldn’t you know, pretty soon Jwoww has to pee and doesn’t want to be bothered to go all the way downstairs to a bathroom, so she just steps behind the empty bar and pops a squat. Don’t worry, though. Lest you think she was classless and dirty, she did pick up the water fountain thing (the thing that bartenders get soda and water from, I don’t know what it’s called) and sprays down her pee.

"No evidence at all! Oh yeah, the cameras."

Ronnie and Sammi are talking about their relationship, but who cares?

Ohh, guess which other blast from the past is here! Danielle - Pauly D’s Israeli stalker! Remember the girl who “stalked his whole life” on the Boardwalk last summer?

Pauly was going to go to Israel with her.

She comes up to Pauly D from behind and throws her drink in his face, which is actually pretty funny. Vinny screams at her to get out of the club and as she’s leaving she turns around and flips them off, then takes a swing at the camera. HA! Someone saw herself on TV! Bad edit, Danielle?

Vinny and Pauly D have found two girls who are registering well on their “DTF-o-meters.” Sitch got Paula to come home - big accomplishment. Turns out Pauly D’s ho isn’t such a ho. She’s not DTF and she goes home. Mad respect, girlfriend. Vinny’s totes excited that his ho is ready to leave as soon as he’s done with her. Sweet, now he can join Ronnie on the patio at the grill.

The next morning Vinny, Ronnie and Snooki have to go in to the t-shirt shop and Snooki is NOT happy about it. It makes sense - she’s been drunk for like a week straight. Getting up in the morning can’t be a pleasant experience. She drags her corpse outside in the same dress from the night before, her huge green slippers, and a blanket.

Why employers cancel Casual Friday.

Snooki tells Danny she doesn’t feel well and Danny’s like, “no kidding, you were out partying.” She denies it. Nice try Snooks. Once work gets going all Snooki wants to do is find a beer and continue drinking. Danny finally sends her to get a coffee. Instead, Snooki goes into a bar and takes shots. What bar is open at 10 in the morning? A few minutes later Snooki is at a snack bar ordering fried pickles and sipping a Long Island Ice Tea when Danny pops up and wants to know what she’s doing.

I guess it’s later because Jwoww and Deena are on the boardwalk getting coffee for their hangovers and Snooki is back at the bar getting some old couple to do body shots. She thinks this qualifies her to be a sex therapist, by the way.

"I forgive you for blowing our retirement in Atlantic City. Thanks Snooki!"

Snooki is reaching blackout capacity and she takes off running down the boardwalk screaming “Where’s the beach!?” This is the part from the previews. She runs up to some poor unsuspecting stranger and screams “Where’s the beach?”


It’s two feet away, so she runs down onto the sand with Jwoww and Deena hot on her trail. They try to get her to come back with them, but she wants to wade into the water and act all around belligerent. Then she face plants right into the hot sand.

"I'm just looking for my keys."

It’s about this time that the local constabulary (and hordes of onlookers) take notice of what is going on. Jwoww tries to put her foot down and tell Snooki she has to leave, but Snooki is too far gone. She’s just contradicting everything anyone says. As the police try to escort Snooki back up to the boardwalk it’s kind of hilarious because huge crowds have gathered to watch what’s going on and you can hear people screaming “Snooki!” No longer just an anonymous drunk - this girl’s got fans! But while they’re walking her along, Snooki keeps mouthing off and finally the cops have had enough and put handcuffs on her. They tell Jwoww and Deena that Snooki is being arrested and she’ll be released on a summons. Poor Jwoww starts to cry. I love that hooker. She and Deena have no choice but to go home and call Snooki’s dad. Snooki tries to tell the police that she’s a good person. Yeah, they don’t care.

It takes three of them to restrain her scrawny ass.

Jwoww and Deena can’t remember what Snooki was arrested for. Drunken and indecency? Intoxication in the public? Drunken public intoxication? Public indecency? I think what the police said was “drunk and disorderly.”

The sight of a celebrity always causes a scene, officers!

Next week! Snooki’s dad is PISSED OFF! See you then!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta