Jersey Shore: When Dogs Attack

"Is my bronzer smeared?"

We come back to the shore house to find Snooki attempting to cuddle with Gianni, her latest one night smoosh. She asks if he’ll spoon her, but he doesn’t know what that means so Snooki decides he’s served his purpose and sends him on home. Later she proudly announces to Jwoww that she had sex and her vagina is killing her. Wow, she’s getting on my last nerve. But since she’s already over Gianni she gets on the phone to call her friend Nick, who is way hotter than Gianni anyway. Nick is the guy Roger brought over to the t-shirt store to cheer Snooki up a couple of episodes ago. Snooki asks Nick if he wants to hang out later. When he says to call her, she goes, “Are you going to answer??” Way to play it cool, Snooks. Guys love that desperate clingy tone.

"I'll DIE if you don't want me!"

Pauly D, Mike and Deena are slotted to aggravate Danny today, so they all arrive and quickly decide to go on break, which they decide is going to last an hour.

You know Danny gets more done when they're gone anyway.

Meanwhile, Ronnie gets on the phone to his dad for some whining time. He needs advice on what to do when you abuse your girlfriend and she leaves like a selfish whore. He wants to come home to sulk, but his dad suggests instead that he’ll come visit Ronnie and give him a pep talk.

Back to not-working, Sitchy D is trying to win a super miniature motorcycle at a carnival game and after wasting a hundred dollars on the game, they just pay the carnies for the motorcycle and go back to work.

Ronnie’s dad, who is much skinnier than Ronnie, arrives and paces the boardwalk with Ronnie while Ronnie tells his sob story about Sammi going home.

"After everything I've done for her, dad. She runs out on me."

He conveniently leaves out the part where he called her horrible names and destroyed all of her belongings. The point is, Ronnie wants to go home like Sammi did, but his dad tells him that even if he comes home, he’ll still be stuck in his own mind with the same problems. So true, Ronnie’s dad, so true. What he actually says is, “Wherever you go, there you are.” Sorry to break it to you Ronnie, but no matter where you run to, you’ll always be Ronnie and you’ll always suck and you’ll always have to live with that. And so his dad convinces him to stay and have fun with the guys, and deal with things on-camera at the shore house, but be sure to call if he ever needs anything. Basically, stay away from my house, boy!

"Your mother gets very upset when you come within city limits."

The diligent worker bees come home from Danny’s shop and everyone takes turns riding the miniature motorcycle around on the patio. Pauly D describes Ronnie riding the little bike as a bear in a circus. Good imagery, Pauly D!

"Someone hurry, put Sammi's glasses in my path!"

It’s time for Snooki to call Nick like they discussed, so she calls and what do you know? He doesn’t answer. Snooki is totes put out and leaves a really pissed off message. Come on, that doesn’t work! You have to be breezy, nonchalant and preoccupied with other things. THAT’S what gets guys’ attention. What’s up with the bratty pouting? But does she listen to me? No, she proceeds to call him like 20 times and leave tons of messages. Jwoww wonders if maybe Snooki inadvertently hooked up with one of Nick’s friends and that’s why he’s not answering. Well, let’s find out. Jwoww’s on the case. She calls Roger and finds out that Gianni is Jeff’s cousin. Remember Jeff? The guy that had been engaged in the past, so Snooki kicked him to the curb? Well he and Gianni are cousins, and Jeff is good friends with Nick, so Nick knows everything and I guess he’s not down with stirring his buddies’ vanilla. Snooki actually seems quite amused and a little proud by this explanation of why Nick is ignoring her. FML, she says.

"So who knows who the baby daddy is? At least they're all friends!"

Sorry, but I’m fastforwarding through another clogged toilet escapade. Just can’t do it.

Snooki makes a sexual advance at Vinny in a joking-but-not-really sort of way and he tells her he can’t believe she smooshed Gianni. That little indiscretion is haunting her big time. She tells Deena it wasn’t even worth it. Then Vinny starts lecturing Snooki on how dumb it is for her to bang guys the night she meets them. Snooki is irritated because, of course, Vinny constantly bangs girls the night he meets them.

"Stop acting like a desperate slut."

What a ridiculous hypocrite. Vinny tries to back pedal by saying he just didn’t like that particular fellow Gianni. Oh, yeah, the one who stopped you from sleeping with that girl you just met a few episodes ago? Figures.

Let’s hit Bamboo! Vinny and Snooki dance together and Snooki renews her hopes of making Vinny her boyfriend. Jwoww has run into a couple of gentlemen who are wearing shirts that say “Male Escort Service” on the back.

"No, an escort. You'd be surprised how many ladies just want someone to talk to."

And wouldn’t you know it - they know Roger. I immediately jump to the conclusion that Roger is a prostitute. Then I wonder if that would even bother Jwoww. Then I realize I’m getting ahead of myself - Roger knows everyone! When one of the male hookers starts hitting on Jwoww, she tells him to text Roger and tell him that she misses him. She’s not going to make the same mistake Snooki made by hooking up with one of Roger’s friends. Good call. Wouldn’t want to mess things up with your personal prostitute. And that does it for Bamboo tonight!

At home Snooki jumps into Vinny’s bed to snuggle, but he kisses her forehead and tells her to go to her own bed. Snooki complains that when Vinny’s sober he wants nothing to do with her. That’s right - when he’s sober he wants nothing to do with her. Snooki, maybe you should say things in your head to see how they sound before you say them out loud. Vinny tells Pauly D he’s mainly concerned that Snooki had sex with someone last night and that’s gross.

"I only sleep with virgins."

I wonder how many of the ho’s he bangs have slept with dirtbags the night before. These standards seem so arbitrary.

Oh geez, Ronnie is calling Sammi. And she’s talking to him!

"Who am I kidding? Let's keep ruining each other's lives!"

They ask each other how they’re doing and then Ronnie wants to know what is to become of them as a couple. Instead of just telling him to eff himself, Sammi’s like, “You put me through a lot... I always knew what I had and you didn’t.” Just the same old crap. Ronnie’s like, “I was wrong, you’re right...” I wonder how those words tasted coming out of his mouth. Sammi offers to be friends (huh?), which Ronnie passes on. Yeah, that wouldn’t be a good setup, either. These two are the worst friends in the history of humanity. He tells her to enjoy her family and he tells us that if she comes back he can’t be in the same house with her. Well, your dad won’t let you come home, so whatcha gonna do, Ronnie?

Later Snooki and Deena break marshmallows in half and stick them all over the house, laughing maniacally the whole time.

"It's like we live in CandyLand!"

They decide to celebrate this triumph by going to Jenk’s, whatever that is. I’m guessing some sort of drinking establishment. They want to call a cab, but Mike has commandeered the duck phone. After whining at him enough, he hangs up and offers to call the cab for them. He calls, but tells the cab service that this is a big surprise and the cab is going to secretly take the girls to Times Square. I guess this is to get rid of them for a while... and to escalate the ongoing prank war. There’s trouble, though, when Vinny hears that the girls are going to Jenk’s and he wants to go with them. Mike has to pull him aside and convince him that this is actually a prank.

"Woohoo! We're going to Jenk's! Here's a marshmallow!"

The girls hop in the cab when it arrives and start flirting with the grandpa-aged driver. They’re only mildly confused when the driver sails past the exit they’re supposed to take. He tells them that due to traffic they have to go “the back way,” so the girls are just like, “okay, cool.” And go back to their flirting and general annoying.

"Easiest $200 I ever made."

At home the guys decide they’re going to go have dinner and a place called Rivoli’s. Everyone gets ready to leave except for Mike, who sits yapping on the phone. When he finally hangs up he tells the guys he needs five minutes to get ready. But he gets upstairs and starts shaving and going through his extensive grooming process.

"What's the hurry?"

Every so often he calls out an ETA: five minutes, three minutes, but he never emerges. The guys have finally had it and leave him there. Awesome. He’s such a jerk, sitting on the phone for hours, wanting to come out with the guys but refusing to get ready, then taking forever to get ready while they all wait by the door. I would have left him a long time ago.

As they drive to Rivoli’s the guys discuss what a jackass Mike is, like how he tried to hook up with Pauly D’s ex. Uh, yes! He sucks! He’s sucked all along, but he manages to be charming just often enough to make these retards forget. Mike’s still at home putting on all of his jewelry and by the time he finally comes downstairs the guys are long gone. He doesn’t take this well at all. He sulks and gets Jwoww to drive him to get take out. The funniest moment of the episode happens as these two are driving home from where they got food. Jwoww is driving with her two dogs on her lap and Mike gets irritated with the car in front of them, so he reaches over to honk the horn. As he does this the little Pomeranian with the pink bow in her hair freaks out and bites his hand. Exactly, little dog! Do you know how many people have been longing to do just such a thing? Well done!

Please draw blood. And maybe have rabies?

Mike comes home, spreads his food out at the table, and carries on a conversation like everyone else is there with him. Is this supposed to teach them a lesson or something? Cause they’re all over at Rivoli’s gorging themselves on mountains of Italian food. Mike SUCKS. Have I mentioned that yet? He’s the most annoying idiot ever.

Oh here’s Sammi at her family’s house, getting ready to come back to the shore house. Like for good. Her mom and sister sit her down and tell her to be careful because there is no doubt that Ronnie will try to win her back. Her sister says that if Ronnie isn’t nice to Sam, she’ll come down there and “have a talk with him.” Are they kidding? Have a talk with him? The guy who destroyed all of her things? Yeah, let’s have a talk with him. That’ll fix everything. Who ARE these morons? And look what is ominously decorating the house.

She may not have glasses or clothes, but she has tri-colored roses.

Of course Sammi kept these and proudly displayed them as proof that Ronnie is sorry. I don't believe any of her speech about learning so much during this time to herself. Puh-lease.

Meanwhile, Snooki and Deena finally realize that they’ve been sent to Manhattan. This happens, of course, when Manhattan comes into view. Excellent detective skills, ladies. They’re super pissed off now and demand that the driver turn around and take them home. But not before stopping off at a liquor store to make the ride home a little more interesting. They declare that they are done with Mike. You and everyone else. Speaking of which, the guys are coming home from Rivoli’s. Mike says they’re acting a little cowardly, hanging their heads and avoiding eye contact. He says that is how the troops act without their General. I have no idea what kind of fantasy is playing out in his head. I mean, he was just blatantly ditched and he narrates it to us like they guys are super ashamed of it. What a loser.

Vinny belches to the camera and tells us what a gluttonous piece of crap he is. Yes, I’ll agree with that, Vinny. Ronnie asks Jwoww if Mike is pissed, which, yes he is. Pauly D tries to offer him some of the leftovers they’ve brought home, but Mike waves him off and tries to guilt him about the troops ditching the General.

"I don't want any of the pathetic food yous guys got widout me."

Pauly D tells us that ditching Mike has shown him to take them seriously. When they say they’re leaving, they’re leaving. I’m with you Pauly D, but I don’t think Mike is. He’s over there talking about how embarrassed the guys are for being mean to him.

Drunk Snooki and Deena conclude that Vinny will now have to sleep with Snooki to win her back after lying about the cab. They come running into the house screaming about how much fun they had in the city. Yeah right, if only. This was their chance to party in New York and all they did was buy some alcohol at a liquor store. What losers. At least they tell Mike where to go. He kind of wimps out, and apologizes, telling them that he thought they’d be able to turn around at the turnpike. Snooki also tells Vinny she’s pissed at him for not telling her what was going on and he just says it wasn’t his idea and he wasn’t getting involved.

"Oh. Wanna have sex then?"

Now Pauly D comes in and with a mock-serious tone says, “I just heard... that you guys are mad at me... but I didn’t do anything.” He even says the last part while waving his head around like a girl. It’s freaking awesome. He goes on, “So I’m mad at YOU for being mad at ME for no reason! So try and talk to me. I’m mad! Pissed!” Then he pretends to storm out, but quickly comes back to ask them when they figured out they weren’t going to Jenk’s. Ha ha ha! Well played, Pauly D. You are my favorite guy.

Hee.

As everyone decides which club they’re going to tonight, Sammi quietly walks in the front door. Pauly D goes, “Hi Sam!” and Ronnies face immediately drops in horror.

"So much for my bonding time with the guys. I'm calling my dad!"

Sammi says she feels much better and Ronnie goes outside without saying anything. That’s right, leave with your tail between your legs!

Next week! Ronnie launches his get-Sammi-back campaign, and Snooki gets desperate about Vinny. Ha! Pathetic all around. See you then!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Jersey Shore: Ronnie Fails Aftermath

We catch up with Ronnie shortly after Sammi’s grand exit and he’s heading to the upstairs patio to smoke and pout. The tears stream and Ronnie laments this hole he’s dug himself into.

"How could that heartless whore just leave me like this?"

Sitch comes to offer him some comfort. This should be good. He just says that Ronnie has a lot of good things in his life. Ronnie sniffles that Sammi was a good thing too. I don’t know about you, but whenever I have something good in my life, I try really hard to mistreat it, torment it and crap all over it until it’s gone. Anyway Sitch claims that he plays various roles in people’s lives: Uncle Situation, Dr. Situation, Chef Situation, Bang Your Girl Situation... wow he’s deluded. He continues to thus philosophize and Ronnie says that getting relationship advice from Sitch is like getting advice from a sailor on how to fly a plane. That’s true, I haven’t seen Sitch in any relationships... ever. But it’s also not like Ronnie has any better ideas. Sitch ends his soliloquy saying, “I’d rather die standing than live on my knees,” whatever that is supposed to mean. Most likely that he’d rather receive blow jobs than give them. Ronnie is still a crying mess so that was a waste of everyone’s time.

"The past is prelude. We must decipher intermission."

Oh, here’s something interesting! A camera crew has joined Sammi to return to her family. She gets home and settles on the couch with her mom and her dog and fills her in on the last big fight. Her mom is SO calm about it, but at least she tells her that people who love each other don’t treat each other that way.

"Sweetie, wait and see if he sends you flowers."

Sammi says she almost feels like she’s been mentally abused. Oh, honey, you two have been mentally and emotionally abusing each other since day one. Almost? She tells us that she loves and cares for Ron so much, but doesn’t know what to do after being abused like that. They have such a misguided notion of love.

Back at the shore house Ronnie pops into the girls’ room and asks them what Sammi told them. Snooki won’t even look up from filing her nails, which is pretty awesome.

"Did I hear the sound of a walking piece of CRAP?"

Jwoww and Deena just say that after what went down they would have left too. Ronnie is all quiet, saying how he messed up something he really wanted (could have fooled me). The girls just sort of look back and forth at each other and keep busy rearranging items and sipping Red Bull. Ronnie tries again to get some sympathy, saying he doesn’t even want to sleep upstairs, boo hoo. He finally says he’s going to go and Jwoww says, “You do that.” No sympathy here, jackass!

Next he goes to Pauly D and Vinny to see if they will help him feel sorry for himself. Vinny goes, “If you need anything Pauly’s here for you.” Ha! Then Deena and Snooki decide they are bored out of their minds and in order to change that they’re going to throw cake in Vinny’s hair. Oh boy. So Deena sits down next to Vinny to distract him and Snooki comes up from behind and smashes cake in his face. Basically shoving him on the playground to show she likes him. Pauly D is thrilled because this means a prank war has been initiated. Vinny is all riled up, telling us how putting Snooki and Deena’s brains together still wouldn’t equal his, and he’s busy filling up a water balloon in the kitchen sink. But when he tries to tie it he twists it too many times and it bursts in his hands. What was that you were saying about your massive brain, Vinny?

The next plan is to get dog poop out of the garbage, put it in a plastic bag, poke holes in the bag and put the bag under Deena’s pillow. Luckily for Deena, she is hiding under her bed and witnesses the whole thing, so she just puts the poop bag under Vinny’s pillow.

"What's in here? It smells like Snooki."

I’m actually surprised anyone notices poop in their bedrooms when I think about what the whole house must smell like.

Vinny’s next move is to steal Snooki’s “Crocodilly” stuffed crocodile that she sleeps with every night. He ties a string around it and dangles it from the balcony in Ronnie and Sitch’s room. I honestly can’t believe this footage made the cut. Sure enough, once Snooki has prepped her false eyelashes for bed, she discovers that Crocodilly is missing. She wanders all over the house, looking under blankets, behind couches, all the while calling out, “Croc?” as if her stuffed animal might hear her and come running. The boys play dumb (not a stretch), but after a brief interlude Sitch takes Snooki to the balcony and shows her the dangling crocodile.

"Now I can get it in tonight."

Vinny does not at all appreciate his prank being cut short. He calls Mike on it and wants to know why he would ruin everything. Mike’s like, “I didn’t know what was going on. I didn’t know how serious it was.” So Vinny renames Mike “Snitch-uation” and everyone laughs like it’s the funniest thing they’ve ever heard. NEXT!

Well Ronnie made it through the night without Sam. Imagine that. He goes off to work at the t-shirt store with Deena and Snooki. And guess what. He’s left two clogged toilets behind him. Make that three. The next few minutes detail Vinny trying to unplug a toilet and I can’t watch it, sorry. It looks like there’s no indoor plumbing at the Jersey Shore house for the moment.

Over at the store, Snooki would like to take advantage of Danny’s unclogged toilet, but she can’t get to it because Ronnie has locked himself in there to cry like a three-year-old. He bawls to us about how much he misses Sammi and wants to come home to her. Certainly a different tune than the one he was singing last night while he was throwing her bed out the door and smashing her glasses! At home the other roommies are trying to figure out what they can do to bring Ronnie back to life so that he can enjoy himself as single Ronnie. Jwoww offers to move all of Sammi’s crap downstairs so that he won’t always be looking at it and thinking of her. That actually makes sense.

When Ronnie gets home he orders flowers for Sammi and her sister. For Sammi to say he’s sorry and for her sister because it’s her birthday. Oh my gosh, does he honestly think sending her flowers after what happened is going to make anything okay? Sending flowers is easy! That’s so pathetic. As he orders the add-ons - a balloon, a teddy bear and chocolate, Jwoww has the same look on her face that I do. Pathetic.

Chocolates mean destruction of property never happened.

The boys go to get their hair cut (and Mike’s eyebrows waxed) and Deena and Jwoww set about moving all of Sammi’s stuff downstairs. Deena points out that if Sammi comes back she needs to stay with the girls. Another good point. Naturally they stumble across a pair of disgusting stinking underwear. This episode is totally skeeving me out. They decide that when Ronnie asks where Sammi’s stuff went they will say they don’t know. Um, why? The reasons they gave for moving her stuff seem very practical and legitimate. But I guess practical and legitimate don’t mean anything to Ronnie. Still, dumb plan. Like he won’t figure it out and use it as ammo against them forever?

So when Ronnie comes home he realizes that everything is gone, except they’ve forgotten one bag. Like a cosmetic bag. He brings it downstairs and starts putting two and two together. He asks Deena and Jwoww if they moved Sammi’s stuff and they both say no. Good grief, who do they expect him to think it was? The Underpants Gnomes? The next thing Jwoww does is go over to the duck phone and call Sam. Ronnie is still wandering around, so he hears her say hi to Sam and this is all presented like it’s a horror movie. Like any second something is going to blow. All Jwoww says to Sam is that she has to go to work, k bye. Ronnie says that the girls should mind their business and only get involved if it effects them. Or benefits him, I might add. Also? Pauly D, Sitch, Snooki and Deena go drive go karts.

Most likely to find a working bathroom.

Later, Deena’s stomach is hurting and it’s mainly due to the fact that none of the toilets in the house work. This episode is downright fascinating, isn’t it? Oh, here’s something. Sammi’s sister calls Ronnie to say thank you for her flowers. She says that Sammi also says thank you but she’s not home right now. Just then you hear Sammi going, “Yes I am!” You can practically see her diving head first for the phone for a fleeting hint of her abuser’s voice. She says thank you, he says you’re welcome, and that’s it.

Back to our bathroom storyline, Pauly D is trying to make himself fresh to death when he spots a pair of dirty panties on bathroom floor. More dirty panties? He picks them up with a plastic fork and places them on the bean bag chair in the living room to be claimed.

"I hope this never touched my hair gel."

We never see exactly what is so disgusting, but apparently the panties are soiled somehow. All the roommies pass by and take a look, but no one will claim ownership.

Maybe not Jwoww's panties.

Thankfully Pauly D pipes up with the ONLY funny line of this whole miserable episode. He goes, “They’re not mine. Mine’s are red. I got them same ones, ‘cept mine’s are red.” Mine’s? Ha ha ha ha! That’s the first time I’ve cracked a smile in 45 minutes!

They finally throw away the dirty underwear and conclude that it must belong to one of the hundreds of ho bags who parade through this place on a nightly basis. Vinny’s like, “The girls I bring home don’t wear underwear.” Then Deena says the wisest thing to ever pass her lips. “Or they take them off in the bathroom!” Hello!

It’s off to Karma! Deena is still constipated, so before leaving the roommates take turns joking about her name “Blast” meaning something totally different, and other various poop references. Deena doesn’t think it’s very funny. I don’t either. This episode is such a freaking reach!

"No way they'll actually air any of this."

Oooh, an ex-girlfriend of Pauly’s is at Karma tonight! Her name is Gina and she’s anorexic. Just as she and Pauly D are exchanging pleasantries, Sitch grabs Gina and proceeds to dry hump her on the dance floor three feet away. Catching crumbs again, Mike?

"Excellent. Robbery accomplished."

He tells Gina to come home with him, but she says she’s not like that and walks away. Pauly D tells us that girls he makes his girlfriend are smart enough not to fall for Sitch’s crap.

Meanwhile Ronnie is sulking. Sulking, pouting and crying. Snooki sits down with him and tells him that he said a lot of messed up things to Sam and that she deserves to be mad and go home to her family. Ronnie insists that he’ll get her back. When Snooki asks how, Ronnie says he’ll figure it out because he gets what he wants. Not because he wants what’s best for Sam, mind you, but because HE gets what HE wants. Could he be a bigger douchebag? Snooki tells him that she honestly believes that he and Sam shouldn’t be together. That’s what EVERYONE believes. Except Ron and Sam. Which is why it doesn’t matter and this will never end.

"No, I already bought the cage I'm going to keep her in."

Elsewhere Vinny has managed to round himself up a ho for the evening to come home and leave her underwear in the bathroom and Snooki is now complaining about the shortage of gorilla juiceheads on the premises. But as it comes time to leave, Snooki grabs herself a “little Mario Brother” and brings him home with her because, as she explains, she’s drunk and she wants to hook up. His name is Gianni, but no matter how many times he tells her she can’t remember.

Deena is shuffling along with all the other roommates on their way home, but she’s an angry drunk this evening. They start giving her more crap about being constipated and she’s ceased having any goodwill about the topic. After tripping and falling, Deena starts crying and saying she’s going to go home. Like home, home.

Never drink when you're constipated.

Sitch calls her Slopopotamus, which is a combination between a hippopotamus and a Slop Tart. He’s such a prick. When they get home, the only person trying to help her and get her out of the line of fire is none other than Ronnie. He pulls her out to the grill, tells her to calm down, and has her help him barbecue. Now Deena thinks she’s eternally indebted to her new brother Ronnie. Good luck with that, Deena. It’s like Stockholm Syndrome.

As Snooki pulls Gianni through the living room and up to the smoosh room, Vinny recognizes him as being one of the guys who busted in to rescue a girl out of his arms a couple of weeks ago. Remember that? The girl whose uncle and entourage pulled her away from Vinny’s loving embrace? Well, turnabout is fair play, so Vinny and Pauly D run into the smoosh room and announce that they are rescuing Snooki. They drag her out, then let her back in and oh ha ha how clever. While she’s getting down to business, Gianni tells her to say his name. Really? I didn’t think guys cared. Snooki can’t remember so she calls him Bernard. Good enough.

Vinny is also trying to make some headway with his ho and Mike decides that now is a good time to bring him a hamburger. He comes in and pesters Vinny to taste this amazing hamburger until Vinny finally takes a bite just to shut him up. Mike is the absolute WORST. In an annoying jerk kind of way, not the Ronnie way.

Robbery Attempt of the Evening #2

Back to Ronnie and his gentle sobbing. Deena, feeling that she owes Ronnie something, admits that she and Jwoww moved Sammi’s stuff downstairs. Ronnie’s mad, but thankful to Deena. Then he says he, too, needs to go home and sort himself out. Please do! But he doesn’t start packing, he just goes to bed.

Next week! The roommies go to Manhattan and Sammi returns. It’s not clear for how long.

So this episode was pretty lame I thought. Maybe they SHOULD have made one season out of seasons 2 and 3 because some of these vignettes are killing me. What do you guys think?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta

Jersey Shore: All Time Low

Welcome to another (and hopefully the last) Rammi-centric episode. Of course, I would prefer not to recap any Rammi fights because they are all identical, nonsensical and lead nowhere. Plus we’ve seen their fight so many times that really, what’s the point anymore? But that’s all they’ve given me to go on tonight, so I have no choice.

We've reached a new low.

We wake up the next morning after the last fight I wouldn’t write about and Ronnie tells Sammi that the way she acted was uncalled-for. Sammi wants to know if they can talk about it. Oh, why, Sammi, why? Talking about it has never led these two to anything good. Or anywhere at all for that matter. All they do is blame the other and play the victim. Neither is willing to compromise or change, but they’re also not willing to give up on demanding that the other one change. Sitch hears them talking and voices what the entire planet earth is thinking: Why don’t they just break up?

"Does anyone know where we keep the cyanide?"

Sammi goes on and on about what Ronnie’s Miami antics “put her through,” and how she’ll never get over it. She brings up Miami a lot, so obviously she’s seen the episodes of Ronnie being a prick. She keeps saying she can’t talk about it and Sitch keeps saying, “To be honest with you.”

Unpacking? Not so fast, Sammi.

Ronnie hears Sitch talking about Miami and feels betrayed by a fellow guy. He goes to Deena and Pauly D and bawls about Sitch ratting him out. Pauly D is like, “Ugh, now what?” Ronnie promises to put Sitch in his place. To try and calm everyone down, Pauly D takes Ronnie to the boardwalk to ride rides and Deena takes Sammi to a bar.

As Deena and Sammi get ready to take shots (keep in mind, it’s morning) Ronnie and Pauly D walk by and wave. Immediately Sammi says that Ronnie is with a girl. Congrats, Pauly D, you are now being mistaken for a female by your own roommate. So what to do when your on-again, off-again boyfriend walks by with a guy who looks like a girl? Why, grab the first guy you see and flirt your tail off! Other riff raff at the bar? Flirt with them, too!

"Hey, is someone giving out free candy?"

But by all means, make sure you NEVER do this to have any fun. ONLY do it to piss off your boyfriend. The results are sure to be stellar.

Back at home, Ronnie is getting himself more and more worked up as he plans to confront Sitch about talking to Sammi. He’s practically pacing as he puts together a batch of Ron Ron juice, which will definitely make everything a hundred times worse. He won’t even talk to Sammi until he’s settled things with Sitch, so Sammi just sits there fretting. When Sitch gets home, Ronnie goes off on him about not having his back, selling him out, etc. Sitch fights back for a few minutes before just telling Ronnie he’s sorry so that everyone can get on with their lives. Did you see that Sammi? Ronnnie? Ending a fight for the good of humanity? Novel concept, I know.

"WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST HELP ME CHEAT???"

Ronnie, who is very used to fighting till both parties drop, is totally taken aback by Sitch’s sudden surrender. But he accepts the apology and they hug it out.

Thank goodness for small mercies, like a topic switch. Let’s check in with Jwoww, who is getting ready for a dinner date with Roger. Roger, you see, is getting ready to go out of town for 10 days, so he and Jwoww are having a special romantic evening before their agonizing separation. Roger shows up with an overnight bag, which is pretty hilarious for some reason. Is that something guys do? What’s in there? Anyway, they go to eat at a Mexica place on the boardwalk, where, it turns out, Roger knows EVERYONE. And not only does he know everyone, but everyone stops to talk to him and he engages in extensive conversations with all of them. Jwoww can barely get a word in edgewise before yet another of Roger’s buddies shows up and wants to pass the time of day. So much for their romantic goodbye dinner.

"And how's your Great Aunt Mildred?"

Jwoww tells us that this will definitely be a problem if they keep dating. They finally decide to take their drinks outside so they can talk and as they stand up we hear someone yell, “What’s up Roger?” Ha ha ha.

I knew that scene was too good to last. We’re back to Rammi. Sammi wants Ronnie to explain to her how he could look her in the face, watch her cry, and yet still hook up with other girls and lie about it in Miami. What does she expect him to say? Does she think he will come out with some thoughtful psychological analysis of himself and his choices? Would it matter if he did? Of course not. And he has no answer. He just wants “honesty points” for admitting he cheated, then wants Sammi to hang her head over supposedly talking to a male in Atlantic City at some point in time. Sammi tells him for the 900th time that he doesn’t deserve someone like her, then Ronnie blows his top and says they’re done and need to just do their own thing. Any of this sound familiar? Of course it does.

Deena and Snooki talk Sammi into coming out drinking and dancing with them. She keeps talking about how she’s sure Ronnie is going to do something shady, so she wants to do something shady as well, to make him jealous. This won’t end well. So Ronnie’s going out with the boys and Sammi’s going out with the girls and everyone is going to the same place to ensure maximum drama. As everyone gets ready, Sammi asks Ronnie what he’s going to do if a girl comes up to talk to him. Sammi, SHUT UP! Ronnie’s like, “What does it matter, we’re broken up.” And here comes the nightmare. It begins with Ronnie continually sliding the sliding mirror open so that he can get something out of the closet while Sammi is trying to do her hair in front of the mirror. So they shove this stupid sliding mirror back and forth at each other while telling each other to move out of the room and sleep somewhere else.

"Does your face hurt? Cause it's KILLING me!"

Ronnie announces that he will be using the smoosh room tonight. They scream some more insults back and forth and then Ronnie starts pulling Sammi’s clothes out of the closet and tossing them all over the room and out onto the balcony.

Sitch tries to get Ronnie to walk away, but that would be like asking the sun not to rise, so he calls the other roommates in for backup. At this point Ronnie is trying to lift up Sammi’s bed to remove it from the room and Sammi has jumped on the bed to stop him. But it doesn’t stop him.

There's no stopping someone hopped up on "Xenadrine."

Sammi’s screaming for Ronnie to stay away from her, but when he leaves the room she follows him screaming, “I hate you!” more and more hysterically. Vinny’s trying to physically hold Sammi back, but she’s kicking open doors and clawing and screaming. Ronnie is promising that he’s going to bring three girls home and bang them all tonight. My head is pounding. These people are animals. Animals. Who acts like this? What grown adult couple who “cares about each other” acts like this?

The roommates have finally pried them apart and the guys beg Ronnie to leave with them, but first he has to finish throwing all of Sammi’s belongings out onto the balcony - including the mattress from her bed. Then he storms out of the house, calling her names along the way and adding, “Just like Snooki said, you’re a slut.” Snooki’s standing right there and she turns to Sam and very softly says, “I never said that.” Ha ha.

"I'm not a slut. Help me find a slutty outfit."

FINALLY the guys leave and Sammi is positive that Ronnie will bring home a girl to escalate things, so Snooki and Deena tell her that two can play that game. This strikes a chord in Sammi and she tells the girls to come to her closet to help her pick out something super slutty. They discover the havoc Ronnie has wreaked with Sammi’s possessions so Snooki and Deena start transporting all of her things down to their room while she gets into her ho gear. Unfortunately the IKEA bed won’t fit through the door without being taken apart, so they finally give up and just bring down the mattress. HOWEVER, Snooki doesn’t miss the opportunity to compare the bed not fitting through the door to Vinny not fitting in her. I guess that one never gets old. They get the mattress downstairs by “surfing” it down while they ride on top. I have to say that these girls are being really nice to Sammi after how awful she was to them. I wonder if she realizes she’s lucky anyone is talking to her. Probably not, victim that she is.

Off to Aztec for the Grand Showdown. If Sammi had just acted normal, had a few drinks, talked to some guys and danced a bit I would have thought, “Good for you. Have a good time, get your mind off of things.” But no. She enters the club, climbs up on a table and starts screaming that she needs a hot guy! Where are the hot guys? Ew, pathetic.

Didn't want to keep even a shred of dignity?

And Ronnie is watching the whole thing. Eventually one of the riff raff from the bar earlier grinds with her on the dance floor while Ronnie and the other roomies look on. Seriously, the whole time she’s dancing she’s just watching for Ronnie’s reaction. She couldn’t look more desperate and obvious if she tried. Very poorly played, Sammi. It does, however, succeed in riling Ronnie back up into an insane fit of rage.

He stomps back to the house with the other guys in tow, telling us along the way how disrespectful it is of Sammi to dance with another guy. Oh give it a rest, douchebag. You don’t get to teach THAT lesson. Instead he goes back to his demonstration of room-trashing 101. This time he doesn’t just throw things, though, he destroys things. Sammi gets home and sees all of her things ruined, including a pair of crushed glasses. What is it with these guys? First Tom steals Jwoww’s hard drive and now Ronnie smashes all of Sammi’s things? This is not the way to carry on, people. Everybody has relationship woes. It doesn’t mean you act like swine.

Sammi comes up to the roof to confront Ronnie with her broken spectacles and we have more of the same old argument: what do you want from me? You disrespected me, you embarrassed me, on and on. Oh, and Ronnie is a much better person than Sammi because he had enough respect to cheat on her behind her back, not dance with someone else in front of her face. He is evil. So is she.

In other news, Jwoww wants to give Roger a memorable send-off so she changes into that leather outfit she got last week at the sex shop. Also pink fuzzy handcuffs. Then she comes strutting out in it in front of Deena and Snooki.

"Did you get a good angle on my butt?"

Roger drools and Snooki announces that if Roger wasn’t there, she would have sex with Jwoww herself.

"I look slutty too. Why won't anyone sleep with me?"

Deena is still jealous that Jwoww ruined that outfit for her.

The next morning Roger is off and the roommates discuss the horror that was last night’s fight. Apparently Ronnie sobbed all night like the little bitch that he is. Pauly D and Sitch decide that Rammi owes everyone an apology. Word. And good luck with getting that apology.

Snooki and Deena head off to Beachcomber to look for cute guys. A guy - though not extremely cute - buys them shots. As he walks back to the bar the girls notice that he’s wearing some pretty tight shorts, so when he comes back they give him all kinds of crap about it.

Auditioning for an 80's music video?

Snooki yells that they can see his wiener and pretty quickly the guy takes off out of there. That’ll teach you to try to be nice to Snooki.

Such subtle imagery.

Back to hell. Sammi pulls all the girls into the bedroom and tells them she’s done with her relationship and she needs to go home and get herself together. Please actually do it this time. Please. She takes the guys aside one at a time to tell them that she’s leaving and she’s actually packing up her crap, so here’s hoping. Ronnie gets wind of the grand departure and he’s all puzzled, as if this makes no sense. I guess that’s what happens when you cry wolf all the time.

"Wait. Is Sam mad?"

He takes her out on the porch to talk and he honestly asks her, “What’d I do?” Oh. My. Gosh. At least Sammi doesn’t cave. There’s a first time for everything. She won’t go near Ronnie or sit down next to him, but she finally hugs him and they both bawl.

"You're a filthy whore, but I love you so much."

Then a cab comes and Sammi actually gets in it and rides away. Praise be! Will she be back?

Ronnie’s all dumbfounded and after all of his horrible ugly talk he’s saying he regrets what he’s done to her. But not enough to stop, I’m sure. In fact I saw him on the After Show say he doesn’t regret ruining all of her things because she deserved it for disrespecting him. Swine.

Next week! Ronnie contemplates leaving too! Hooray!

Geez, this episode was dark and ugly. Can we please just get back to Karma?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta