Thursday, January 18, 2007

Don't Take the Heat for Granted

J.Lo's New Back-Up Dancers

I'm excited about DanceLife...I want to know what it's like to be a dancer, to have a life, and ultimately to have a dance life! Let's begin...

It's not an MTV show until you get ample aerial shots of the city we're visiting - a la Let's Go Los Angeles. And all these shows about LA are making me homesick - sunshine, convertibles and sex! Oh wait, that's what The Donald thinks about when he thinks of LA.

We start with a regular choreography session when J.Lo walks in and everyone stops in their tracks to watch her behind her giant sunglasses and giant earrings looking fly, and aglow in honey tones. She sits down, and the auditions begin. We learn that J.Lo doesn't care what they look like, she wants their game! - that's intense...I'm thinking she's a lot deeper than expected. I am also thinking, she's probably wearing sunglasses to circumvent the inability to publicly announce that no one should look her in the eye.

She sits at the judging table yelling things like "c'mon" and "whooo" and "that's why I'm here" in her ghetto talk...all of this is taking place, of course to her own songs. Oh my gosh, I just realized that she hasn't told us in the past 5 minutes that she's from the Bronx, and I realize I can't seem to place her origins.

We meet some of the dancers. The most notable is Jersey, who is from New Jersey (I'm guessing it's her nickname). I take to her pretty quickly. She's in LA to pursue her dream and her family wants her to come home, and every convo they have is about how she should go home. And Jersey wants to go home, I can only imagine how different LA life is when you grew up in NJ, but wants to stay to dance! It all hits too close to home for me.

Back to the tryouts when we get a sound byte from J.Lo - "Don't hurt yourself, but almost do" and then laughter from her, and then a second later, from everyone that is in her posse in support. Wait a minute!!! Who is that sitting next to her? Marc Anthony! Wow, I didn't even recognize him for 20 minutes...perhaps it was because the camera only caught the left side of his face. In all fairness, who the hell is Marc Anthony anyway when you have J.J.J.J.J.Looooo.

In the end, she likes Kenny and Blake and asks what does everyone else think? Coincidentally everyone thinks exactly the same thing she does! They're all looking at her, probably avoiding eye contact with all their strength. This Kenny fellow doesn't look like a dancer at all...wait a minute...did I just hear that he's dating a Pussycat Doll?????? No, it can't be. A high-five is exchanged just at the mention of the pcd - and it confirms the impossible.

We cut to a phone convo between Jersey and her persistent mother in a pitch to get her to move home. Jersey tells her:

I'm going to make it!

I would like to quote David Cross about people who "are going to make it" right now:

Chew on This

The best, slash worst, slash best again part about Hollywood is the non-stop parade of delusion you get to see. It's just a big old parade. Go to Sunset Blvd, go to Venice Beach, go to Melrose, put some patio furniture down, sit down, put your kids on your shoulders, get a bag of peanuts and watch the parade. Watch the parade of the deluded, because right now, as we speak, there are a million - A MILLION PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD right now who are all going to make it. They are man, they're all going to make it. They've got the dream, they've got the desire, they're not giving up. They got the talent, they got so much to say, they're so unique, they're so driven, and they KNOW. They're all going to make it! They know it. They're going to be the next Brad Pitt, or the next Fred Durst or whatever marginally talented guy you can think of right now...a million of them. And you know what? Maybe 13 will make it. About 13 of them...maybe 14 if you count the woman who goes on Blind Date and then posses in Playboy - if that's your idea of "making it" then let's go to 14 on that. That means that there are going to be 999,986 who aren't going to make it, who are going to grow increasingly bitter, angry and resentful, and they're going to take it out on you when they give you back your dry cleaning or park your car. And they get crazier and crazier, cause they keep trying.

In the end, we finish with a solo dance from Jersey in an empty studio with J.Lo's voice over telling us that a Dance life is a tough life, but it's a beautiful life.

Yo Flava's Hot


Honey Gangsta said...

Oh NDC, I marvel continuously at the pictures you manage to find for your posts. So awesome! You're totally right, too, every flippin MTV show starts out with the helicopter montage of LA. Originality, anyone?

I think we've seen the first and last of J.Lo on this show. We haven't HEARD the last of her because every time there is a commercial or mention of it, it's "Jennifer Lopez's Dancelife." Yeah, yeah, yeah, she produced it. Fine. I guess it's the same as Ashton Cutcher's Beauty and the Geek. Ashton has NOTHING to do with it. He just threw some money at it a couple of years ago. Anyway, like we're really supposed to believe that J.Lo would condescend to attend one of her own auditions. Um, no. Thank you so much, J.Lo, for treating us to your presence on this, the opening episode of YOUR show.

These dancers are pretty hilarious. And it seems like they've chosen to follow around a bunch of pretty established dancers as their "wannabees." They all have resumes that are pages long, which brings me back to my original question: Where are they trying to get to? I guess wherever "it" is, they're a step closer now that they're on MTV.

Yes, yes, yes!!! The David Cross thing is so completely apropos for this! And I think he's overestimating with his 13-14 range. He must be including all of the "flash-in-the-pan" types who are famous for two seconds and then fade back into obscurity - I think that is all that our Dancelife people can hope for, and THAT'S aiming high.

Can't wait to see more stars pretending to attend their own auditions so that they can make an appearance on J.Lo's show. Ah the life of the seriously deluded...

Honey Gangsta said...

PS - LOUVRE that last picture of J.Lo. I think we should blow it up to poster size and find out where she's going to be. Then we should show up, look her STRAIGHT in the eyes, and ask her to sign it. Still Jenny from the Block?