Triumphant Return of The Hills

Last shot before Heidi's bathroom break.

Hooray! Tonight is the celebrated return of our favorite flakes: Lauren, Princess Heidi, Whitney, Audrina, and respective revolving troop of boys. Lauren starts us off with a recap of last season’s staged adventures and then fills us in on what we all read about months ago – she and Jason broke up. No! Who would have seen that coming after the romantic renting-of-the-Malibu-house and the even more romantic shunning-of-the-Paris-internship? Wonders never cease.

Lauren pulls up in front of what appears to be Jason’s new apartment and begins unloading trash bags full of his crap from her car. Jason is aglow at being reunited with his beloved golf clubs – remember the ones that Jordan gave him? Just kidding, they were from Lauren, but he did think they were from Jordan. Lauren silently and sulkily rids her car of any evidence of their torrid romance, while Jason beams like a small child at Christmas. His coked-out brain probably does register this event as receiving all new items, instead of simply re-collecting long-owned items. Lauren is teary and explains that she can’t just be friends with Jason because “it’s him,” and it would be “too weird.” Jason, still smiling, is baffled of course, and tells her he doesn’t get it, but it’s clear that he doesn’t much care. Fond farewell, oh dashing prince! Enjoy your trash bags full of “presents.”

"Lauren brings me presents even when I break up with her!"

And we’re back! Feel the rain on your skin! The title of our season premiere is “Out With the Old,” and we embark on the all-too-familiar montage of Los Angeles to music that is eerily recognizable. The lyrics say, “This town is our town. This is so glamorous. I bet you’d live here if you could and be one of us!” Yes! It’s the haughty theme of that long lost MTV gem “Rich Girls.”

I can’t help but wonder what ever happened to those space-hogging idiots who used to run around New York on my television, trying to cook tacos or lose their virginity. Do you think we’ll ever know?

And it’s into the Bolthouse offices where we are treated to the ever-animated Brent Bolthouse telling his staff about this huge club opening coming up this week.

"I'm so excited because I plan the most fabulous parties in Los Angeles!"

Since the opening of what is certain to be the fabulous Area is only days away, now is a good time to inform the staff of their jobs. I’m sure this is news to everyone. Heidi will be working the door. Shhhhhhhocking. Apparently this is part of the promotion she received, to which Lauren alluded in the intro. She got bumped up from working the door to working the door with an earpiece!

Next we join Audrina at Epic Records, where she has secured a much more prestigious position as a receptionist. Wait, that’s exactly what she did at Quixote Studios as well. Hmm. There must be some musical assignments on the docket at Teen Vogue. Or perhaps Mr. Bolthouse will be sending Heidi over to select new talent for club openings. Either way, it’s safe to assume that this career move happened for a very good reason – one that will most certainly cross paths with our other three darlings. I must pause and comment that Audrina looks much more attractive than I remember. I honestly can’t say why. It could just be her makeup, but it’s better.

I have to take back all that stuff I just said about Audrina looking better because as I was browsing on the MTV website I found this picture.

It looks like Audrina has put on some weight and I just can’t support that (her chair probably can’t, either). If she’s going to let herself go and start packing on the pounds like this, then I can’t feel sorry for her. Stop with the donuts, Audrina!

In between what is certainly a jam-packed receptionist schedule, Audrina picks up the company phone to call Heidi, who we see over at Bolthouse deliberately ignoring the call. Lauren explained a little of this to us in the introduction earlier. Apparently Heidi has been seeing a new chap named Spencer over the summer who has also been seeing Audrina. Clearly, this is no one’s fault but Audrina’s, and Heidi has chosen to punish her accordingly.

Ah, how nostalgic. We are right back at the Teen Vogue intern closet where Lauren and Whitney have managed to retain the exact same status they had at the company last year. No promotions here! Not that the other ones mean anything. Thankfully this scene means the return of our invaluable Conversation Driver, Whitney, who promptly begins her duties as such. She starts by telling Lauren that she got to go to Paris (presumably in Lauren’s place) and says it was the time of her life, even pulling out a magazine to showcase a photo spread on which she worked. Lauren absently responds that Whitney has a really cute purse, so Whitney shifts the conversation into Lauren gear, and Lauren perks up. We learn that Lauren and Jason were not in the Malibu house for long, and that they fought every day, which is nothing new from how their relationship was before. I guess this time they just didn’t have anywhere to retreat to since they were cohabitating. Of course, the totally predictable happened and they parted ways, blah, blah, blah, how tragic.

"Oh really? You guys broke up? I'm so surprised."

Lauren proceeds to check her email and Whitney proceeds to read a magazine when they are both summoned to an audience with… L-squared.

The girls sit down and L-squared elicits the information that Whitney has been back in school for a month (where is she in school?) and Lauren is starting back up at fashion school “really soon,” meaning she has no idea when. Once again we launch into Whitney’s tales of Paris where it seems that not only did she work on a photo shoot and get a cute purse, she also got to see Coco Chanel’s apartment! Wow! I wonder if that is like seeing the apartment where Mozart was born – meaning you pay and then walk through in a crowd of tourists looking at carefully arranged displays of artifacts. L-squared pointedly tells Whitney that she made a very good choice in going to Paris. Ouch to Lauren! In fact, L-squared correctly points out that Lauren will always be known as the girl who didn’t go to Paris. She questions how the beach-and-boyfriend summer went, to which we only see Lauren shaking her head. Oh the shame of it all! I’m sure many more important projects will be placed into the hands of this master decision-maker!

Schedule Lauren to interview Roberto Cavalli... check!

Back home, Lauren bawls to Heidi that she is tired of hearing about Paris and Jason! Heidi, ever full of wisdom, says that things will get easier every day. Lauren cries that she’s tired of crying. She used to cry because she and Jason would fight, and now she cries because he’s not here. Heidi comes out with a completely inexplicable statement: “The best part of Jason was you.” What? Not really. At first Jason was an incoherent, shuffling coke addict and then Lauren came into the picture and he was an incoherent, shuffling coke addict who caused a lot of scenes. So I’d say that Lauren definitely was not the best part of Jason. She was just a catalyst for destruction. Heidi also offers comfort by telling Lauren that she has had many guys asking whether Lauren is available. Great. I’d love to see the closeted gays Heidi brings around to cheer Lauren up.

"Heidi, I said straight guys."

Back from commercial, we join Heidi and two-timing new-boyfriend Spencer on their way to eat at Don Antonio’s. Heidi wonders aloud how Spencer ever found this place because it’s in the middle of nowhere! It’s actually on Pico not far from the Westside Pavillion, but I guess that is the middle of nowhere when you live in “The Hills!” This is actually a fun little Mexican place with pretty good, greasy food. According to Spencer, however, this is the reincarnation of Mexico itself. He has never known such divine eating. Let’s take a moment to examine Heidi’s new beau, shall we?

"I'm Spencer!"

He is very reminiscent of Jordan, meaning blond, not very attractive, supremely inflated sense of self-importance, and clearly homosexual. Okay, so maybe he’s metrosexual, but I actually don’t see the difference. I think we all know which gender Spencer will end up with in the sack. Spencer begins to probe Heidi about the Area opening on Thursday and then proclaims that there is no way Audrina will be in attendance because she can’t get in. Heidi trashes Audrina for a minute and Spencer has an orgasm over his margarita. After dinner we see Heidi holding a couple of roses, each in individual plastic casings, and accompanying Spencer into his apartment where she will be staying over.

The next morning, Heidi comes home to Lauren, who is eating Pinkberry, a frozen yogurt that is apparently sponsoring “The Hills,” as we will soon be noticing. Heidi believes that Spencer is liking her more because he doesn’t brush her off as much in front of other girls anymore. How romantic.

Now we go directly to Pinkberry! See what I mean about sponsoring? And who might we be joining there but Spencer and Audrina! Audrina is holding a couple of roses, each in individual plastic casings. Does Spencer keep a stash of these in his trunk? They begin to discuss Heidi, and Spencer wants to know why they are fighting. Clearly he is fishing for a little competition over himself, and he is happy to instigate this by continuing to escort both girls around town while questioning each about the other and their fight. He must be an aspiring actor. He’s already a douchebag. He assures Audrina that he has her back in the situation against Heidi and Lauren. He then invites her for dinner at… Don Antonio’s, followed by Heidi’s club opening. What an idiot.

Later, at Area, Heidi is working the door as predicted. And she can’t stop tinkering with her earpiece. Remind Heidi never to join the FBI. Lauren is inside having drinks with an unknown girl named Jen. Jen tells Lauren there is a cute guy at six o’clock. Using the clock analogy, I would guess this means directly behind you. Lauren just sips her drink and says she doesn’t know what six o’clock means. After some careful calculations, Jen revises her statement and says she meant to say eleven o’clock. This is weird. Eleven is right next to twelve, which is straight ahead. She said six when she meant eleven? Okay, whatever. Eleven o’clock is ahead and slightly to the left, just like it is on the clock. Lauren and Jen immediately turn to the right and spot the guy in question. Jen really meant two or three o’clock, but we may be assuming a lot by guessing that these girls can tell time.

Back outside, Spencer is arriving with Audrina in tow, much to Heidi’s undisguised astonishment. She completely ignores Audrina and sends them in to their table. She then proceeds to trash Audrina to her coworkers. Yes, this is clearly no fault of Spencer’s, who, incidentally, is inside telling Audrina he had no idea Heidi hated her that much. Stir it up, Spencer! Heidi comes in to Lauren and Jen to continue talking trash and all of the girls agree that Audrina has some nerve to come parading in here with Spencer. Heidi decides to ask Spencer about it directly and he straight up tells her that he didn’t come here with Audrina. Okay, so now we’ve come to one of these instances that make our dear Laguna Beach children so ridiculous. They blatantly lie to each other on camera as if no one will ever find out. And this is even worse because we all (including Heidi) just watched him come here with Audrina and two seconds later he says he didn’t come here with Audrina. He must think that this will convince casting agents of his versatility. After Heidi walks away Spencer begins to massage Audrina’s shoulders and tell her how sweet she is. Did I mention he is a douchebag?

"Barbie, this is Bimbo. Come in please."

Don’t phunk with my heart.

At the Bolthouse offices, Heidi confesses to coworker Elodie that her boy situation is non-existent at the moment, due to last night’s fiasco. Elodie comforts Heidi by telling her that sucks and then Heidi announces that she has been dizzy and nauseous and she’s going home.

Over at Epic Records, Audrina tells coworker Chiara about the aforementioned fiasco. She explains that she has no interest in Spencer and that she believes his behavior of last night to be “piggish.” I’m liking Audrina a little more. We shall see how our former Hooters girl evolves this season.

On her way home, Heidi stops off at the drug store to purchase what we all know is a pregnancy test from seeing the previews for this season. She comes home and goes straight into the bathroom where we get to watch her unwrap her pregnancy test and get ready to take it. I think we all know there is no way Heidi is pregnant. This was a nice little season opener thrown in by the producers to get us watching. Give me a break.

…The rest is still unwritten!