Sloppy Seconds in The Hills

Nope, that's not Lauren.
Kristin gets first dibbs - again!

So this week we join Princess Heidi right where we left her last week – with her pregnancy test. She comes downstairs from the testing center and joins Lauren, who is busy studying on her laptop. Ding – false alarm! Lauren is actually making a list of presents she wants for her birthday, which is months away. Fashion school hasn’t started back up yet, so neither has studying. But it will – really soon. Thinking back to last season’s Christmas episode and how greedy these girls are, I get to wondering where Lauren’s Christmas list is. It must be stored on a bigger computer somewhere – perhaps at NASA? Anyhoo, Heidi divulges to Lauren that “a part of her” thought she might have been pregnant. I’m guessing it’s the part of her that likes to be on TV, because of course, she isn’t pregnant. Lauren makes her best faux-scandalized face and wonders aloud why Heidi didn’t invite her to join in the testing. You know peeing isn’t as easy as it may sound.

♫ No one else, no one else, can speak the words on your lips!

A little later, Heidi has safely returned to Bolthouse Productions, where she has deemed it an appropriate time to scare the crap out of Spencer. She summons him by cell phone. Spencer is driving along on what we can only imagine is a highly productive errand (lunch at Don Antonio’s?) and he grabs up the phone singing, “What a pleasant little surprise!” Heidi, however, is all business, and demands that Spencer report immediately to Bolthouse Productions – in the back alley. The back alley of Bolthouse Productions is where girls are taken who don’t know how to use an earpiece properly.

Over at Teen Vogue, Lauren and Whitney have been bid into yet another laugh-fest in the office of L-squared.

"Is it safe to enter, your Highness?"

It seems that the girls are absolutely necessary at a fashion show tomorrow, showcasing the work of one Ashley Paige, a fabulous swimwear designer, and friend of Amy Astley (or A-squared) whom we met last season. Whitney announces that she has school tomorrow, but will rush right over as soon as she is done. L-squared admits that school is very important, and we all pan back around to… Lauren – who is not in school. But she will be really soon. And she can be there tomorrow. And the whole thing is resting on her incompetent shoulders. Sounds like an upcoming promotion to me!

Now Heidi is pacing around the back alley of Bolthouse Productions, looking at smashed earpieces on the ground, surrounded by acrylic-nail claw-marks. She absently touches her earlobe. Up pulls Spencer on his white horse, aka black beamer, and Heidi jumps in. “Well hello dear,” Spencer chirps. I think he must be warming up for his gay choir try-outs later this afternoon. Heidi is the picture of seriousness as she begins her proverbial beating around of the bush. “I kind of want to talk to you about something… I’ve been feeling really sick, and really nauseous, and I’ve never, never really felt like this before…” Spencer remains all smiles, draws a deep breath, and takes a drink of water. He assures Heidi that he “more than likes her,” and he is “on Team Heidi,” but this is a decision she needs to make. You can almost see his mind calculating just how quickly he can flee the country. Next stop – “The Princes of Bangkok.” Heidi continues in ultra slow-motion, “I… took… a… pregnancy… test… … … … … annnnnnd… … … … … I’m… not… pregnant.” The smile is dancing around the corners of her lips while Spencer puts on his “defiant hat.”

"Well, I never!"

See, he’s a little bit irritated that Heidi let him think for a second that she might be pregnant. Spencer, I’m a little bit irritated that you keep coming on my television screen. I’m a little bit irritated that you actually had a TV show of your own, and I’m a little bit irritated that you pretend to be straight. I’m also a little bit irritated that you always sound like you’re singing and you never stop smiling. Finally, I’m quite a bit irritated that you think you have any right to be irritated when you came within an inch of knocking someone up. Buy some condoms, idiot. They come in extra-small. Heidi defends herself very inadequately and Spencer accuses her of saying all this, “just to see how he would react.” Heidi says with grand mystery that this has made her think about a lot of things… Spencer then delivers a memorable quote: “If we’re talking about Audrina, who’s out of her mind, I never tried to hook up with Audrina.” Well, maybe not technically, but you DID tell her that you were on HER team last week – meaning against Lauren and Heidi. Stop switching teams, Spencer! It’s making me a little bit irritated. Things in this lame conversation end on a lame note, with the lame people teasing each other about “testing this and testing that.” You know, bringing the pregnancy test full-circle. I’m already exhausted and it’s only the first commercial break.

Next day Heidi, in chipper form, makes Lauren a nice cup of tea to start the day. Lauren asks about the convo with Spencer and Heidi admits that she was pleased with how he handled the whole pregnancy possibility. She says if he had “reacted wrong,” then she wouldn’t want to be with him. Lauren in a rare moment of logic points out, “I don’t think there’s a right way to react to that, though.” Undaunted by logic, Heidi continues by sharing her latest scheme with Lauren, namely that she should date Spencer’s best friend, Brody Jenner. Remember him? He was in the club last week at six o’clock – no, eleven o’clock – but in reality about two o’clock – even though it was around midnight. Lauren balks, claiming that Brody Jenner is “tainted” because he has been “touched by Kristin.” Oh Lauren, come on! We all know that you never date a guy unless he has already dated a fellow Laguna girl. We saw all that with first Stephen and then Jason. Don’t even start pretending that you are the type who doesn’t do leftovers – that’s all you do. Well it’s too late! Heidi has already given Brody Jenner Lauren’s number, so if she doesn’t want to date him, she has to tell him so herself! I just hope he doesn’t call at a time when Lauren is extremely busy assisting models at a fashion show. That would be some crazy timing.

And it’s over to the Ashley Paige store, which we can see right off is very high-end, as it is located directly next door to “Vinyl Fetish” in Hollywood. I’m sure Neiman Marcus and Saks Fifth Avenue must be banging down Ashley Paige’s door to get her couture bikinis onto their precious racks. Here we meet Ashley Paige, who is very in touch with her inner Pagan as we can see from her months-untouched hair and her affinity for “magic” candles.

"Dip your wick into my flame of love."

Without so much as a “hello,” Ms. Paige demands to know if Lauren knows how to answer phones. Hmm, ask her again in a little while when Brody Jenner is calling. For now, though, Lauren needs meticulous instruction on how to lift what is called the “hand-set” off of the part that makes noise. In disgust, Ms. Paige mumbles, “Interns never know how to answer phones; it’s ridiculous!” She must be friends with Kelly Cutrone. Next on the list of Lauren’s extremely important, yet terrifyingly complicated duties is: digging wax away from the wick of a magic candle. See, Ms. Paige really wants to get that sucker up and burning – it’s a magic green money candle from the enchanted depths of… the store across the street. Get to work, Lauren! This could be enough to drive Lauren to quit. I mean, answering the phone and digging out candle wax? What’s a Teen Vogue intern to do? Next Lauren is scolded for not wearing a watch. What, do clocks mess up the aura of the magic green money candle in the Ashley Paige store? I don’t know why she’s asking anyway – Lauren doesn’t even know what six o’clock means. Someone named Jesse comes to help Lauren retrieve the long-lost wick, and there is finally success – and a burning magic green money candle. Apparently this is all it takes to be hired by Ashley Paige. Next project: sewing flowers onto a mesh umbrella. Yeah, I think I saw one of those over at Fred Segal. Or wait, was it Vinyl Fetish? Whatever, Lauren is going to sew on more flowers and not make it look tacky. Ha!

We take a break from the mind-numbing complexity of fashion to pay a visit to Audrina, who is currently receiving a phone call from our almost-baby-daddy Spencer. “♫ Well look who it is! My favorite person in the world!” Yes, Spencer is still singing as he calls his favorite person in the world, who’s out of her mind. Spencer suggests dinner - at Don Antonio’s (ha, just kidding), but Audrina graciously declines. She explains that it would be awkward because of the whole Heidi situation. Now, what happens next may be pure editing, but it played out with a bit of hilarity:

Spencer: You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. Even if I did do something wrong, it’s like, A) we weren’t dating and B) it’s like –

Audrina: Spencer, I gotta go. Click!

Oh snap! The Prince of Malibu was just hung up on. Yay, Audrina! Spencer looks at his phone as if it is to be blamed and he mumbles, “Oh, just hangs up.” Aw, not feeling so cool at the moment, douchebag?

Jordan Spencer gets shut down!

Back to Fashion Central, where Lauren has changed into an Ashley Paige t-shirt and is backstage watching other people do stuff. She is eventually assigned to hold the mesh umbrella, so she’s not totally useless. One of Ashley Paige’s bi-atches yells at Lauren to go with someone, stop playing with her hair, and stand up straight.

"I'm not playing with my hair.
I'm holding the umbrella. Wait..."

About two seconds before go-time, Whitney shows up, fresh from school, in the same shirt she had on “yesterday,” and is scolded for not wearing an Ashley Paige shirt. Apparently she should have been able to procure one in her car on the way over. Don’t they know that when Whitney shows up to help with fashion shows she gets to be a model? A minute later she is suitably dressed in an Ashley Paige tee and just as things are about to get really crazy… guess what happens. Brody Jenner calls! Lauren deems this a perfectly opportune time to pull out her cell phone and have a little chat. So to answer your previous question, Ashley Paige – yes, Lauren can answer phones – but only if it’s at a really inappropriate time and for completely unprofessional purposes. Next we see some fugly swimwear coming down the runway courtesy of Ashley Paige.

In case it ever rains while you're swimming...

Lauren dutifully carries around her umbrella and ultimately hands it off to a model wearing some kind of cobweb dress. Ms. Paige, in post-fashion-show relief, mistakenly asks Lauren if she can be stolen away from L-squared. So relieved is our designer, in fact, that she compliments the mesh umbrella again.

Later that night at home, Lauren’s cell phone is once again hit up by our other Prince of Malibu, Brody Jenner. Heidi gets really playful and snatches up the phone, announcing, “Heidi’s Dating Service, how may I help you?” Lauren witnesses this and completely draws a blank regarding anything that has occurred in the last twelve hours. She mouths to Heidi, “Who is that?” as if there is any question. Sorry to disappoint here, but Brody Jenner does not ask Lauren out on a date. Instead, he informs her that they will be going out to dinner tomorrow and that he will pick her up. Lauren responds very intelligently, stating that she feels uncomfortable going on a date with someone who used to date her “friend” Kristin Cavallari, but thank you anyway, for the offer. Yeah right! Lauren of course submits blindly to once again picking up the scraps off of Kristin’s floor. She hangs up all proud of herself.

The next day, Lauren and Whitney use teamwork to bring L-squared a cup of coffee and L-squared takes this opportunity to tell Lauren what a great job she did for Ashley Paige. It seems that the buzz around the Teen Vogue offices is that Lauren’s strength is really in fashion production. Hmm, yes. All fashion shows need somewhere to put their umbrellas, so why not hire Lauren? L-squared suggests that for Lauren’s next project, she should embark on a two-week preparation for a fashion show, working exclusively with one designer. Two weeks of lighting candles and holding umbrellas? I hope Brody Jenner doesn’t call.

Speaking of Brody Jenner, we now join Lauren putting on makeup for her date with that lucky, lucky boy. Heidi comes in to watch and she is all dressed up because Spencer invited her to dinner after Audrina turned him down. We uncover the shocking fact that this is Lauren’s first real date since Jason! Yeah, she just gave Jason back his crap last week. Oh wait, TV time. It has probably been months since Lauren has been able to pull herself together and be ordered out on a date with someone’s ex-boyfriend. The makeup proves troublesome, and Lauren almost pokes her own eye out waving her eyeliner dry.

Brody Jenner takes Lauren to eat at a restaurant called Social. I’m disappointed that it’s not Don Antonio’s, but oh well. The two embark on a conversation of epic proportions, each trying to out-compliment the other. Lauren looks amazing. Brody Jenner looks handsome. Lauren has a nice smile. Lauren hates her smile. Brody Jenner thinks it adds character. Lauren thinks “having character” is what you say about a negative attribute. This quickly degrades into an argument over a compliment. I’m sensing that Lauren’s relationship conversation skills were not improved by months of listening to Jason’s fragmented mumbling. The meal ends with the two giving each other goofy smiles and thanking each other for being so good looking.

"You're cute."

"No, you're cute."

So this is what a relationship is like without any hint of brain activity? Looks stimulating. Brody Jenner drops Lauren off at her apartment with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Each party goes their separate way, clearly pleased with themselves over tonight’s performance.

Lauren thinks to herself, “Wow, I am really pretty. And he likes my weird smile.”

Brody Jenner thinks, “One more dinner and I bet I can hit that. Is that a scratch on my windshield?”

Next week: Princess Heidi wears a crown for her birthday.