Snappy New Year in The Hills

Catfight!

This fabulous New Year’s episode opens with Lauren and RBF (replacement best friend) Audrina shopping for New Year’s dresses. It’s so funny to me how these girls have to purchase a new wardrobe for every event they attend. They spend half of their time shopping anyway – you’d think that they might have picked up something along the way that would do for New Year’s Eve. Apparently not. Lauren announces that she has invited several people up from Laguna to join in the New Year’s festivities. This is mainly due to the fact that Heidi is spending the evening with Spencer – who isn’t allowed in the car – and can not be counted on to be around. Who’s Heidi again? Oh that’s right, she’s that idiot who thinks it’s a good idea to spend time with Spencer Pratt. Also known as Lauren’s roommate. Also known as ho. Lauren hopes this New Year’s will be better than last year.

“New Year, New Friends” We’ll see about that!

Newsflash: Today in Brentwood, there was NO parking available. But what WAS available today in Brentwood was Conversation Driver Whitney participating in a game of softball. In a highly uncharacteristic moment of magnanimity, Lauren and Audrina are on the sidelines cheering Whitney on. I keep waiting for an explanation of this softball game. Is this a church team? An intramural team? Is there a Teen Vogue team that Lauren has forgone? I guess we’re on a need-to-know basis, and WE DON’T NEED TO KNOW because it’s never explained. Whitney does, however, drive the conversation by asking the gals about their plans for New Years. Then the topic turns to that all-important event – the New Year’s kiss. We all saw how that worked out for Lauren last year, so this year couldn’t possibly be any worse – unless of course, that most dreaded of dreadful things happens, which is no kiss at all. Luckily, Lauren has a plan to prevent that: she will grab whomever is nearby and go to town. What if it’s Spencer?

After some shots of Beverly Hills, we now join Heidi and Spencer shopping in West Hollywood at a store called Milk. Heidi, like Lauren and Audrina, is looking for a New Year’s dress. I don’t know if I can keep up with the exciting diversity of these girls and their pastimes. It may be too much for me. Just for kicks, I looked up Milk on-line and the average dress price is around $400. Not bad for a dress these girls will wear one time and then fling aside for the maid to use as cleaning rags. They do, however, sell actual lederhosen, and that somewhat makes up for the dress prices.

Wilkommen in Milch.

But then I saw some $124 face cream and I’m out. ANYWAY, I’ll move on from the insulting prices of Milk and go back to what is important – Heidi and Spencer’s plan for New Years! Evidently the plans are all up to Heidi, who informs Spencer that the two of them will have dinner alone and then meet up with the whole gang at… wait for it… Area! Spencer whines and whines that he doesn’t want to hang out with Lauren the Pauren, the big fat Fauren. Heidi insists that this celebration will be a renewal of the wreck their friendship has become during 2006 and all will be well. Spotting a perfect opportunity to eliminate Lauren from the picture for good, Spencer chooses now as the perfect setting to suggest to Heidi that they move in together. And he seriously calls her “Princess Heidi” when he asks. He keeps telling her that Lauren is getting in the way of their relationship, and that she’s not even that great of a friend to Heidi.

"You'd pass this up?"

Um, does Spencer ever have a single thought that doesn’t 100% serve his own evil purposes? What a great boyfriend, not caring at all that he is continually putting his girlfriend into completely awkward situations and then whining about it to make it worse. And does Heidi ever have a thought that isn’t 100% retarded? If a guy I’d been dating for a few weeks suggested that we move in together, I would laugh so hard. And I don’t care how much time we were spending together. For guys, getting a girl to move in is their ticket to never doing anything considerate ever again. Why should they? Ugh, why is Heidi so stupid? You know she’ll move in with him, too. If there’s ever a decision to be made, Heidi makes the wrong one – well at least the moronic one.

Next at the salon, I guess it is New Year’s Eve and the girls are once again having their hair done. Does money fall from the sky for these girls? Yes, yes it does, and it is their parents perched on some clouds dropping it down. Anyway, Heidi is being totally ostracized. I would feel kind of bad for her if she didn’t TOTALLY DESERVE IT! Lauren and Audrina are giggle-giggling about their plans for the evening – including Lauren picking up her date, a random traveler from Colorado whom she met last night, and Audrina deciding to wear her hair just like Lauren’s. Heidi is in the beauty chair between them and it is so obvious that she feels totally awkward. When Heidi asks about Area, Lauren says, “I don’t know, like, what your deal is, but we’re planning on going there.” Heidi looks uncomfortable. When Lauren brings up her date, Heidi says, “You met a guy last night?” And Lauren snips, “Yeah, if you would come out, you would know that!” Oh snap! (Sound familiar Heidi?)

"But he's really sweet when we're alone..."

Now Heidi and Spencer head to Dolce for dinner where Spencer launches into his usual routine: telling Heidi how beautiful she looks and following it up with pissy complaints about Lauren. At least he’s making this less stressful for Heidi than it already is. He then starts asking if Heidi has decided whether she will move in with him, which of course, leads to more complaining about Lauren and how she’s ruining their relationship by expecting Heidi to continue to be her roommate. Boo hoo, why can’t she just live with someone else, like Audrina? Thankfully, it’s commercial time.

Back at the apartment, the gang of girls has gathered for a pre-Area photo shoot. And here we finally have the much anticipated return of Lo, Lauren’s best bud from her Laguna Beach days. Lo’s real name is Lauren, like most girls from Laguna Beach.

Lauren Olivia Bosworth

Lo actually looks very pregnant, which is a little confusing, but it is treated like the elephant in the room and we move on. She wonders where Heidi is, and is instructed to form her own opinion about Spencer when she meets him later that night. Lo does seem to be drinking champagne, which is a vote against possible pregnancy.

Formal maternity wear, or just latest fashion?

Everyone begins arriving at Area, and in the car Spencer suggests for the 90^th time this episode that he and Heidi don’t go to the club. Can’t he just be a man and be nice to her friends for one hour? Wait a second, what am I thinking? Inside Lauren is chatting with her date who is definitely not her type, as she explained earlier. His name is Derek, and he’s telling her about his speed boat. Poor Derek. Lauren’s last boyfriend had a condo in a high rise, and the one before that had a house on the beach in Malibu. I don’t think she’ll be impressed with a dinky little speed boat. But you never know, he may have actually bought it himself, instead of his parents pouring their money down a hole for him. Anyway, Heidi and Spencer soon arrive, and Lo makes the most awesome bored face when she sees Spencer that I just want to kiss her. She stares at him, then totally rolls her eyes and looks away. That’s right!!! Team Lo! Heidi says to Lo, “My boyfriend is cute, right?” Um, what? No, Heidi. Spencer is NOT cute! You could take a poll of America if you would like an honest answer. But Lo just says yes, he’s totally cute, and then Heidi passive-aggressively tells “Lauren” that Spencer asked her to move in with him – meaning she tells Lo. Whew! The drama of having to bust the news to Lauren has just been avoided. As the countdown to midnight proceeds, Spencer hands out sparklers to everyone, perhaps thinking the sparklers will serve as an olive branch? Not so much. A team of Los Angeles firemen stand just off camera as the think-tank members light their sparklers indoors and wave them around.

"Keep an eye on the blonde one. Wait..."

At the stroke of twelve, Lauren is very lucky to be standing right near her date, so she grabs him and plants a huge kiss on his mouth, then looks “embarrassed” like that was just so forward of her. Honey, you lost your mystery years ago on Laguna Beach. The jig is up.

"Heavens, I'm so shy!"

Heidi is off to the side, recognizing once again, that no one wants Spencer around and no one really cares if she’s around. Spencer sees her and pulls out his old trick of telling her how good she looks. Except this time, he pays homage to the absent Brody by telling Heidi she looks “amazing.” You know, it starts to lose its meaning when you hear it every three minutes. Try something else Spencer. Outside, the girls kind of wander off leaving Heidi and Spencer standing there and Spencer performs yet another monologue about what a terrible friend Lauren is, and that’s just “the reality” of the situation. I can’t really tell if Spencer minds Heidi and Lauren’s friendship, or if it bothers him. I wish he would give me some sort of clue. Heidi just keeps begging Spencer to stop.

Later at Bolthouse Productions, Heidi downloads onto Elodie about her New Year’s Eve. She complains that she made this huge effort to be with Lauren, but Lauren spent most of the night with Audrina, which was just so rude. Elodie accurately points out that Heidi’s friends probably didn’t want Spencer there. Heidi then goes on to tell Elodie all googly-eyed how Spencer asked her to move in with him. Elodie’s reaction is priceless. She seems surprised and then disgusted and then surprised again when Heidi actually seems to be considering this plan.

"Wait a second, you're serious?"

I remember Elodie’s introduction to Spencer in the form of a brawl with Max outside of a restaurant. Why would Heidi think Elodie would be supportive of this? Heidi is so naïve. She’s like, “I’ve never been in love like this.” What? You’re 20. You have no idea what you’re talking about. Granted, I am of a conservative slant, but seriously, I would take Spencer’s proposal as an insult and a threat, not as a huge compliment like Heidi is. He’s not suggesting this because he has Heidi’s happiness in mind – he wants to control her.

Now Lauren meets Whitney for coffee and recapping of New Year’s Eve. Nothing new comes up except that Whitney claims that Heidi and Spencer have been together for a long time now. I’m sorry, but that’s not possible. Even if we stretched to the very limit, it’s maybe been two months. That’s nothing. Nice try, Whitney!

Later Heidi and Spencer are off to yet another dinner and I bet I can guess how the conversation will go: Heidi looks incredible and Lauren is a bitch. Are you moving in? Heidi is wearing another plunging neckline dress (another shopping excursion?). Heidi orders a “virgin” lemon drop, as if there is any such thing, and she and Spencer make a toast. Heidi says, “Cheers, I love you.” And Spencer, great orator that he is, responds with, “Cheers, I love you more.” Then they bicker about who really loves whom more. Ew, enough already! You both suck!

"Don't you know I love you, you pathetic slut?"

Spencer then lets Heidi know what a favor he’s doing her by loving her despite all of her “baggage,” meaning “friends.” Is there any question left about this guy being a total controlling jerk? He’s implying that other guys wouldn’t put up with all of her crap and she’s no picnic and she’s really lucky that Spencer is willing to overlook all of that and be with her anyway. Oh yeah, and it’s really rude of her to want to live with Lauren instead of him. I swear if there were a book for warning signs of an abusive boyfriend, it would just be a giant fold-out poster of Spencer. Heidi keeps comparing the situation to the time that Lauren was with Jason and how she was nice about it when Lauren moved in with Jason. Yes, but as I recall, Jason and Jordan (Heidi’s boyfriend du jour) were pals and the four of them hung out and Jason wasn’t egging Jordan on to make out with Heidi’s friends while her back was turned. Lauren has personal reasons not to like Spencer, so it’s not quite the same. Heidi asks Spencer who he’s going to get a house from and he says, “Don’t you worry about that. You just worry about how you’re going to break it to Lauren.” Um, sketchy! Also condescending! If only I could have a boyfriend who talked to me like I was a four-year-old with a learning disability. I’d move in with him in a second!

Finally, we join Lauren and Lo for sushi. Lo, in more maternity clothes, begins by accidentally snorting ginger up her nose, but once she recovers from that the girls discuss the fact that Jen had actually considered coming to Area on New Year’s Eve! Scandal! Too bad for Heidi that Jen didn’t come, because perhaps Heidi wouldn’t have had to serve as the outcast for the evening if she had. Now Lo drops the Heidi bomb (just as Heidi planned) and tells Lauren about the Spencer-cohabitation-possibility. Lauren is dumbfounded as we saw on the previews and concludes that Heidi won’t move in with Spencer because she’s not “that crazy.” Um, guess again, Lauren.

Next week: the amazing return of Brody.

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