All About Tyra

Episode 3 of Top Model starts this week with the ladies sliding down mattresses that were placed on the stairs - aren't they short on beds as it is? Seems like an odd way to pass the time. Perhaps it was a message to Tyra - 'You may have chopped our hair off, but we're still playing Repunzel.' (Geez - that's the second Repunzel reference I made in three Top Model posts.) Speaking of hair, Jaeda confessionals that she won't get back her hair until it grows back - thanks Kendra.

The first Tyra mail warns the girls - "Watch Your Step - Your Butt is on the Line." The girls are whisked away to a circus where they are met by the master clown - Miss J, and a tightrope. They are going to be practicing their balance and posture by walking a tightrope. Very clever euphemism - to walk the tightrope between friendship and competition, between moral and provocative, between lost and found. This great parallel HAS to be a coincidence.

Walking the Tyra Tightrope

At the tightrope we are also greeted by two tightrope instructors: Ritchie and Alex. After last week's hair stylists, I was expecting the tightrope instructors to be named "Cline on the line" or "The Pope of the Rope" or "Lance the Balance."

Back at the Cathouse the ladies receive another Tyra Mail - tomorrow they'll rock their own line. (With Cline?) Wow, more training. More walking in a straight line. This is really shaping up to be a riveting episode of America's Next Top Model.


Oh, I spoke too soon. At the Cathouse MelRose goes into the phone room that contains the only phone in the house. I wonder if next week the ladies will play a game jump rope with the phone cord. Monique also wanted to make a phone call, probably to hear her mom tell he that she IS a princes on the toilet throne and busts in on MelRose. Monique declares - "I shouldn't have to wait to use the phone." This after she used the phone for 3.5 hours the last time we were visiting them. I'm beginning to wonder if she maybe has some mental issues; she's clearly out of her mind. MelRose slammed the door of the phone room on Monique's ass - and her face was hilarious! Oh-uh, sounds like some sort of vaginal liquid retaliation is in store for MelRose. After MelRose finishes her call, Monique calls her mom (I called it) and tells her, in a very classy, ladylike manner: "I'm about to f*&% that b*&% up!"

Fight, Fight, Fight

It's now night time and most of the girls have gone to bed. Another sign that Monique is insane: she's curling her hair before she goes to bed. As she is doing that, a brilliant idea popped into her head. She peed in her panties and then rubbed her panties on MelRose's bed. Ladies and Gentlemen, actually, mostly the Gentlemen - beware of Monique's vaginal fluids, apparently they are to be used only for revenge purposes.

The next day they have a challenge to get dressed in a gown with heals and a mask in 5 minutes. Actually, the challenge is to walk in a straight line on a cobble stone walk-way, with a line of tape on the ground to guide you. Ok, is this really a challenge? These girls want to be models! You would think they could walk in a straight line, right? WRONG. Most of them can not walk in a straight line. That's like if I wanted to be a chef, but I kept going into the bathroom to bake. GET IT RIGHT!

Walking in a Straight Line Will Help The Washed Up Models Later in Life Too

Megg's hair is out of control - that has to be the worst make-over I've ever seen - ROCK AND ROLL.

A Make-Under, If You Ask Me

A.J. wins the walk-off. Her prize is a trip to Austin with two of her friends to appear in a fashion show hosted (?) by Dennis Quaid. All the models in the show are from past seasons cycles of ANTM - most notably, my favorite model of all time from this show - Mercedes! Hey girl!

Dennis Puts "Relevance" in Fashion

During commercial, we get to see what's up with Danielle, who now seems to be going by Dani. Hey Girl!

Dani Strikes a Pose

Back from commercial, and we find that Monique is "very ill." All of a sudden, this disgusting, foul girl is the most soft-spoken little kitten you've ever seen in your life. She actually goes to the hospital and recounts her experience of being....DEHYDRATED. Perhaps if she stopped wiping her vaginal fluids on others, she wouldn't be dehydrated.

Drink This to Replenish Your Lost Fluids

The next day is the big photo shoot. The best part of this show. Monique tries to be strong, but in the end quits the shoot and opts to lay in bed. What a trooper. I'm hoping, fingers crossed, that this will be the end of Monique. The photo shoot is at the end of a wobbly runway in the middle of a pool. YES!! I can't wait to see someone eat it. Maybe that will give the girls an ACTUAL legitimate reason to cry. At this point my roommie declares: 'Being a model sounds miserable.' Indeed!

There were only two notable incidents on the wobbly freeway of liquidity - when Caridee's boob fell out of her dress and she didn't even notice, and when Eugena fell and almost got submerged in the 'difficulty that is being a model' aka the pool. ANTM is just full of analogies!

Submerged in the Model Life

Back at the Cathouse, Monique continues to whine about something. See this is what happens when you behave like a reckless animal - people stop having sympathy for you. And I also believe that this was karma for all the negativity that she created.

Back from commercial and we're off to judgment day. You have to give it to the ladies for continuing to act excited as Tyra spews off the list of prizes that are the same every week. I caught a glimpse of Tyra looking bored at listing these off, so Kudos to the models. Although, I'm sure it's editing.

Here's a few highlights of the comments:

Caridee, when they told her she has a Paulina look and changed her hair, she responded with: I smell what you're stepping in:

Brooke, apparently, created the fan with her hair:

Anchal - they told her that she's lucky her outfit hid her face!!!!!!!!!!!! Nice, ha? I, however, thought that Anchal was starting to look more modern with her new hair cut and outfits:

MelRose - she's really starting to look like a model. [What? She looks so weird here]:

During every girls' evaluation, Tyra had some comment about how she did it when...blah blah blah. It's getting really annoying, because now they are accompanying these reminders of how great Tyra is with visual images of 'back in the day Tyra.' UGH.

After they excused the girls, the judges deliberated. At the end they even did a blues rendition of "She Don't Want to Be Here" about Monique, but then Tyra threw in the extra line, something to the effect of - maybe she needs our direction to help her, or some crap like that. I guess it was supposed to throw us off and confuse us about who will get the stiletto boot.

All of a sudden there's serious music on, and the Tyra whisper comes out - must be time to chop another model's head off. Please let it be Monique!

This time there are "11 girls who stand before me." Tyra has cut out 11 beautiful girls, then she cut out 11 young girls...now they are just 11 girls. Monique gets the boot because she didn't do the challenge basically and because she is evil. She turned around and left the judging room. Didn't even say goodbye to the rest of the girls, just left. Then as she was packing up, she said - The whole time there was a big waste of time! Good one Monique.

A Big, Fat Waste of Time

What do you think? Did Monique's shenanigans dehydrate her? Will MelRose's place at the Cat House be calmer now that Monique has stopped wasting her time? Will one of the models fail to walk the tightrope of a model's life?

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